~A Lifetime of Toddlerhood~

 School was not a pleasant experience for Cassie. It was not for me either. The well meaning teachers, when she was a teenager, tried to teach her how to make her bed. Unknown to me, they began, by teaching her to take off all her bedding. Well, that was all she learned. To this day, nineteen years later, I still struggle with this habit they formed in her. More times than not, I will find her on the bare rubber sheet in the morning, with her bedding on the floor. If I put a sheet on in the daytime, she will pull it off. But she never could learn to put one back on!

 They did ask me whether there was something I would like them to teach her. I said it would be nice if she could load the dishwasher. Well, she could not learn that, but she did learn, through my teaching as well, to put her cup in the sink after she ate. Sometimes she will put the dish and spoon in too, but usually just the cup. However, I am proud of this little bit of help she can do!

 The last few years of her schooling, Cassie became more and more angry. She would come off the bus and charge through the house, snorting like a mad bull. Then she would stand in her room, rocking violently back and forth - I mean taking up the whole room with her anger. For hours! Now my daughter had always been the most passive person I knew. This was very alarming to me, because I knew something was wrong, and I didn't know what it was. She began to push young children, and once without warning, pushed my whole rocking chair over while I was rocking my baby Joshua. I never knew what was the matter. This was SO unlike her! My best clue that school was not good for her any more, was that she would become very calm and happy in the summers. No more anger, no more acting out toward others.

 The teachers' main focus in Cassie's teen-hood, was to try to force her to be more "sociably acceptable", in other words, to stop rocking. I was not told this for years. At last, however, I was told at an I.E.P. conference that they had squirted her with a squirt gun every time she rocked, but it no longer worked, because she had gotten to like it. So now they were poking her in the side to get her to stop.

 Well, I did not approve of this for Cassie, though I am familiar with behavior modification. Since my daughter rocks all day, and has since she was a baby, (I have pictures) I figured she must be getting poked all day long. I tried to get them to stop, but they said it was very important to teach her not to rock. She was nineteen years old at the time. I believed I had discovered what made her so angry and frustrated. So I pulled her out of school. She has done much better ever since, for nineteen years now. She still rocks, but she gets obviously happier and more social as the years go by. Also, she continues to make progress, as the years go by.

 February, 2004 - I could never have dreamed that she would still be changing at this age, but today, she said a word she's never said before. I was hanging up clothes on a rack near her, and suddenly, in her high small voice, she said "KISS!" When I turned toward her in amazement, she raised up both arms to me! This is a "child" who is so autistic that she could hardly bear to be hugged in all her life. A child who had very little eye contact with others at eleven. A child who could not tolerate physical affection, now ASKING for it?!!!! I ran over and hugged her and kissed her, and the smile beaming all over her face was amazing! Several times this afternoon, she has repeated this.

 Not only is the word itself a surprising one, but Cassie does not usually speak at all, unless prompted, and even then, only can say a few words. She can say "baby", "water", "bath", "pop", "cake", and "'tatoes 'n gravy". Once in a blue moon I can convince her to say "night-night", "bye-bye", or "hi". Only recently has she begun to say "mama" for me. And now "kiss"! I am aware that she might never repeat this word, but it was a sweet day!

 Pain is a puzzle to deal with. When Cassie has menstrual cramps, she crosses her legs Indian style, puts her arms across her chest, and leans forward all day long. I can not get her to take pain medicine. Many years ago I tried, but she chewed it up, and it tasted awful. She made horrible faces, and stopped taking it. Even if I melted it in juice or something, she could taste it, and refuse to drink it. But at least I can tell if she hurts. What I do is plug in a heating pad, and tuck it around her tummy. I make sure it isn't too hot. That does seem to help.

 I love my little lady, and enjoy her care. She is a unique person, just like everyone is, only in her own way. I wanted to share her with others. So my husband made her pages for the site.

 In Matthew 5:8 the Bible tells us that Jesus said: "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." I know we are all sinners, but I know also, that Cassie can never reach the "age of understanding". Thus, as a baby, she is not capable of making her own decision to either accept or reject God. So Jesus will gather her up in His arms when He comes for His own, and take her to Heaven, where she will be whole and well. It will be so much fun for me to know her there!

 March 8, 2004 Spring is right around the corner. Two days ago it snowed another four inches, but today, the temperature rose to 70 degrees in the sunshine. And when I went out at 5:00 to feed animals, maybe half the snow was gone! I could not believe it. All the animals knew too, they were springing about, acting like they were infants again!

 May, 2004 I have a bit of interesting news about Cassie! She's thirty-eight years old now, and I certainly did not expect her to make any positive changes at this age! But all during the four months of snow, while we were confined to home most of the time, I have been trying to potty train her. Or, actually, I have been trying to "mother-train" her. And I have had some success! In examining her closely, I discovered when she was most likely to have a bowel movement, and I put her on the toilet. I told her the simple words "sit down, Cassie. Go poop." And after three months went by, she began to do it! Perhaps once every other day now, she succeeds! It isn't enough to get really excited about, but enough to keep me trying! I always hug her, and tell her she is a good girl. Sometimes she doesn't want the hug, but I am hoping she realizes this pleases me. I don't know if she cares if she pleases me, but I'm pleased all the same.

 So we'll see how the summer goes, with less clothing, and quicker access to the toilet.

  June, 2004, Cassie surprised me again! It was February when she said "kiss" the first time. For four months, I have hoped to experience it again, but without much expectation. Today, while I was standing in the room, feeding Caressa, Cassie said something, sitting in her bed. Then she stood up, looked at me, and said "hug" and held out her arms to me! I hugged her with great joy, saying "oh, Cassie, what good talking! Hug! Yes, hug! Nice hug! Thank you!" And she smiled, and sat down again. This is such a triumph for her! Now I believe she will do it again. Could she be breaking slowly through her shell of autism, like an unhatched chick pipping its way through, just enough to love me? At thirty-eight years old? YES ! ! ! ! !

And one other thing - I've been working on Cassie taking a chewable vitamin every day, and giving her a cup of hot chocolate directly afterward, for a reward. She hates chewing up the vitamins. Her face screws into a horrible grimace. But this month, she began to swallow them whole, then grab for her hot chocolate! The reason this excites me? Because now I can give her medicine for her cramps!

May, 2005 - It's been nearly a year since I updated here. Cassie is thirty-nine. She is still just the same as she was last year. Caressa will be thirty next month, and Joey is twenty-two. It is my joy and privilege to love and care for these, my own children.

October 22, 2006 - Cassie is forty now. She's going through a stage where she doesn't want to stay in the tub and play forever like before. No. She gets in, pulls the plug, and gets right out, rushing back to her room! What kind of a thing is that! I have to respect her as an adult, though, and if she wants to do that, there is no harm in it. I let her have her way.

December 7, 2006 - All year I've been trying to talk to Cassie about Jesus, in a way she could possibly understand. My mother - her grandma gave me the idea. She asked me if I thought there was any way to reach Cassie's spirit, to teach her about Jesus. I didn't think so. But I have been singing simple children's Christian songs to all my children at bedtime all their lives. So I began to refresh her memory of songs like "This Little Light Of Mine", and she had an immediate reaction. You see, when my children were small, and we came to the line "Let it shine 'till Jesus comes!" That was sung in an excited, triumphant way. And when I sting that line, Cassie sits up in bed, beaming with her biggest smile, and puts her hand on her heart. From that point, I began to simply tell her "Cassie, Jesus loves you. Do you love Jesus? I love Jesus. Cassie loves Jesus, because Jesus loves Cassie." And we smile at each other fondly. I tell her that Jesus is so good, and so loving, emphasizing His love for her, because she knows what love is. I tell her about Heaven too. I say "some day, Jesus will come, and we will go to Heaven, and guess what! Cassie will be able to talk in Heaven!" She shows no response, but at least she has heard the gospel, in the simplest form possible. One thing is certain. Jesus can move her spirit, and make Himself known to her without words. I am sure that He either has, long years ago, or still will. I rather think He did it years ago, by the way she responds to the simple hymns of her childhood.

I've also been doing the same thing with Caressa and Joey, but they don't appear to have any understanding. There is no way I could know. God knows, though. So I will continue. It is our family worship.

September 22, 2007 - Cassie is 41 now. She surprised me this morning. She was able to sing "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window?" when she was eleven years old. She stopped singing it many, many years ago. But this morning, I was singing it to her, and she suddenly smiled, and chimed in with "woof woof!" right in the right place! I had to come make a note of that.