A child's bad attitude unfortunately often stems from something wrong in the parent's attitude. ACK! Did I really dare to say that! The reason I am writing this, is because there were several things I wish I could have learned sooner than I did. But I didn't find them in any book.

I read recently about a mother who had recognized a bad attitude in her nine year old child, and wanted to teach him to change. I was filled with admiration.

Everyone makes mistakes. I made plenty. But it takes a brave and honest parent to realize that something is lacking in the training he or she has given. It would make our jobs as parents easier, if we regularly sat down privately (or with a spouse) with a notebook perhaps, and made a note of both the strong and weak points in each child's character. Because the sooner you find a weed in your garden, the easier it is to pull.

It takes real love, and determination to set about changing a child who has grown nine years with a bad attitude. But you CAN do it! Setting about changing a child in a basic way IS hard! (I have done it in children I have adopted.) But if you truly love your child, you must go beyond seeing the wrong, and setting about righting it.

First I would make a clear "game plan." Write down the things you want to correct. See how many they are. Determine which one is the most important to you. Begin by working only on this one, so as not to overwhelm your son, and yourself. (The rest will very likely fall into place, as he becomes a nicer child.)

Before beginning a change in the way I handled things, I believe I would take my son aside, where his siblings cannot hear us. That is important. This must be a private thing, which will keep him from having to "save face" in front of his siblings, which will cause him to fight against you. Then briefly let him in on the reasons why you are going to be working to change his attitude/behavior. Make it short, and avoid a long lecture, which will turn his heart away. If you see more than one problem, simply talk about the most important one, at first, so he won't conclude in anger and dismay, that you have decided he is no good altogether.

Point out a positive strength in him, that you admire. If this strength has to do with his sense of fairness, or his ability to see all sides of a thing, all the better. Then it will have something to do with the sujbect at hand. But stay STRONG, while being fair and loving. Expect him to kick back and reject you at first, like a wild pony. But remember tha he is not a pony. He is a human child, with a soul and a spirit, and he needs you right now to train him, the hardest part of mothering. It might help him to know this is for his own future happiness. A nine year old is capable of very sophisticated reasoning; and can be very reasonable, though he might not want to admit it at first. Naturally, the younger you start, the less difficulty you will have. Even a five year old can reason very well.

Any gardener will tell you that pulling weeds is harder work than picking flowers. Pulling tall, strong weeds in an overgrown garden is hard, tedious work. But beautiful flowers can bloom there when the weeds are gone.

New rules and consequences must be clearly thought out, firm, set, and understood, to begin with. If a change is not made in fairness and thoughtfulness, it will not be successful.

This part is easier when you adopt, I think, in that, you can simply, without anger, tell a child, "this is the way we do it in our family." You also have your other children using the good behavior already, which is a very strong encouragement for the new child to conform.

Be very certain of your direction, be determined, and then you can tell your child in all honesty, that this is the way it will be done in your family from now on.

At first, your child will be upset and angry. It's very hard to be stronger than your child's disapproval of you, when you are working to change a long-tolerated attitude in them, that they don't yet understand, or WANT to understand. But it is SO important to stay strong, when you know something needs to change.

The length of time it will take to succeed with this change depends heavily on two things. Your child's personality, and the length of time the attitude/behavior has gone on unrepaired. The key to success is consistency on your part.

Three cheers for your child, when he begins to respond to a new way of thinking! You will want to privately point out your pride in his improvement from time to time. You will both be so glad when this lesson is well learned, and your son will have a happier, more blessed life because of it.

God bless the parent who cares enough to work to improve their child's character!