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My Journal Nov thru Dec 2001


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To Journal 2002 (Jan thru April)

Friday - December 14, 2001

Another cold, dreary day in Cinncinnati. Vanessa and I went to the mall this morning and I picked out an outfit as a gift from Jim and Vanessa. Got some slacks, a top and a sweater. Later, I got some neat socks and a pair of earrings and a long-sleeved blouse.

I have gone from a size 14 to a size 8 in pants! Not really trying to lose weight--just seem to be losing.

I have a lot of sadness today because I cannot find my rings, which I cherish--I just pray that they will show up sooner or later.

It has been so nice to be here at my son's home and to be with my youngest granddaughter. Looking forward to picking her up at school and doing something together before we leave to go to downtown Cinncinati for the Rockets show.

Tomorrow, we plan to go to see Harry Potter. I am looking forward to that since I have read the book earlier. How blessed I am to have such loving and caring children!

Sunday, December 9, 2001

Weather has turned much colder today and we may be getting snow real soon.

I went to church today and enjoyed the Christmas music which the children did. It was lovely and they were so cute as they sang songs from all over the world.

After church , I took Nancy, Ron, Jake, and Holly out for lunch. They had some place to go afterwards, and I called Becky and she came and picked me up and I spent the afternoon and evening with Megan and Jeff, his parents from out of town and Becky and Rick. Natalies also dropped by before going back to Ball State.

I was so glad that I asked for what I needed as I was feeling very lonely before calling my daughter. Ron thinks that all I need to do is take my laptop and have Jim help me with getting on the internet and chat room and e-mail. I seem not to have the wherewithal to figure out those kinds of things.

I am very tired tonite as I did not sleep well last night, due to eating too much sugar the night before! So, off to bed!

December 6, 2001

(Part 2)

I feel ever so much better today and I believe I am clear of the "cloudy" days I was having.

Today was a wonderful day with friends and family. My long-time friend, Hilda, picked me up at noon and we went to the "45" get together at a restaurant. Quite a few of these school friends still live in Kokomo and they get together every month. Unfortunately, I could not recognize some of my long ago school mates, but Hilda helped me out with that!

After lunch, Hilda took me over to see her mother who still lives in her own home at the age of 101. She seems to be in good health except that she can no longer hear unless someone talks very loud.

We had a good time visiting and I came home with so much gratitude for my early life and my friends.

A short time later, Becky and Rick picked me up and we drove to Indianapolis and took their daughter, Amy, and their other daughter, Megan and her husband out to dinner after seeing their apartments and their Christmas trees.

Had a nice dinner and then on back to Kokomo. Becky wants, me to keep writing about my earlier years, so guess I have my work cut out for me!

(Part 1)

Another beautiful day in Indiana--sunny and cold. Still not snowing and looks like there will be little or none before I leave for Florida.

Tomorrow, Nancy is driving me to Indianapolis where we will meet my youngest son, Jim, for lunch and celebrate his birthday. Then he will be taking me to Cinncinati where I will be staying until the end of the week. Looking forward to being with Jessica, my youngest granddaughter. She is almost as tall as I am!

I feel a bit clearer today and trying to pack has been quite a challenge! No sooner do I think of something I need to pack, then "poof" it is gone, and often I cannot retrieve it. This is such a strange disease--not a bit predictable! Learning to go with the "flow" is challeging and some days I do better at that. I am just thanksful that I have such wonderful children who hang in there with me. Think I will take a walk before chat.

December 5, 2001

Becky, my daughter picked me up today and we did a bit of shopping and had lunch at Jamies where I had my favorite vanilla fountain coke. Then we went to the mall and I looked for a good pair of walking shoes as my old ones are well worn. Ater that, we went back to Becky's and I helped her wrap presents.

After she dropped me off at Nancy's I became very very sad. Took a walk but I still felt depressed. After doing some inner work, I realize I am grieving my losses of ability to function and it is getting worse.

I know I am in the middle stages of this disease and both Becky and I agreed, my time to live a rather independent life is coming to an end.

I wish I could say, I am happy, joyous and free today, but I am not there. It has been hard to live in a space that is unfamiliar to me and yet I know I do not want to live with my children.

I hate this disease--physical disease is bad enough, but having one's brain be infested with a disease is not pleasant either. I just pray a cure for ALZ will come soon, sparing my daughters this disease! In the meantime, I choose to enjoy life as much as possible

December 3, 2001

Another nice day in Dec. I took a walk this afternoon and is was sunny and rather warm. We still have not had snow here, which is o.k. with me.

I did resign from being on the board of DASN today. I feel somebody else should take my place as I am having too hard a time to keep up with all the e-mail, etc.

I do not feel computer literate enough to be on the board. I have felt really down lately and I do think it is my disease. Also, I realize I wear myself out trying to remember and keep things straight and just getting thru the day. Here it is 7pm and all I want to do is go to sleep!

Have been doing some more grieving over this disease. I have been forcing myself to do things. This evening I fixed a steak dinner for the family and they enjoyed that--we had dinner at their house across the driveway from where I live as they have more room I am hoping this is a temporary thing and I will feel more like myself soon.

December 2, 2001

I am feeling ever so much better today after a rough week of being up at David's. Actually, it was not a whole week because I came back early since my asthma was so bad.

I have been struggling to be contented while here as I feel so isolated much of the time and I do not have the friends that I had up in MN. The children are trying so hard, and I know it is difficult for them, too. I so much miss my freedom of being able to come and go as I please. Not sure that I will ever adjust to that! Probably only after I get to the place where I won't know and will not care!

I went to church with Ron and Nancy today and there was an annual meeting and dinner after church. Not being a member anymore, I just sat and tried to listen, but my attention span is not very good and I tend to wander off.

Came home and took a short walk--rather brisk, but hopefully, we will be getting some warm weather for a few days.

Looked at my web page that Resa did and it was so neat! Now I just need to figure a way to get my link on my e-mail page. Always challenges! Very tired tonite and hope I can get some good rest.

November 30, 2001

I am feeling so far behind with my journal entries and I have forgotten so much of what has happened since I came to Indian, that I will probably leave some things out, and that is o.k.

Coming to Indiana has been a good thing and a hard thing to do. Good in the sense that I can be with my children and grandchildren and hard in the sense that nothing seems familiar and I am having to learn all over where things are, so that I can find them when I need to. And the computer has been a challenge and a frustration since I have been here due to a very poor connection--forever getting bounced off and breaking the connection. Have been especially frustrated with my chat room--Example: I tried for 40 minutes today and never did get in.

Think all of the kids on this road get home from school at this time! lol Sometimes, I want to go back to what is very familiar for me up in Ely and I know that is not possible. Am wondering how I will be when I go to Florida. At least, Lynda will be with me there and that will help. I admire people in our chat room who can still travel with ease!

Went to MIchigan for a few days and got very ill from being with their cats and dog. I came back early, as my asthma was quite bad. I am feeling much better and know that traveling will not be an option for me much longer.

November 29, 2001

My life is unmanagable and I am powerless over:

Staying organized and getting things done.

I am careless where I put things. Example. my partial, note book etc...

and then spend an extraordinary amount of time to find them.

I do not put things back where I found them.

I write things on small pieces of paper.

I try to do too much.

I have not simplified my life.

I spend a great amount of time re-organizing.

I flit from one thing to another--do not always finish the task at hand.

And I am grateful for my girls, especially, who are trying their best to help me and to keep organized!

November 17, 2001

Feeling much better today -- seemed to help to be honest as to where I am.

I went shopping with Nancy, my daughter, and Jake and Holly, my grandchildren. We went to Wal-Mart and did some shopping. It was so large and so crowded and so busy, that my head was in a "swirl"! I did get a winter hat which matches my parka and it felt good, as it is getting much colder here. It has been foggy all day.

Also got a CD of some games I can play on my computer--thought that might help my ol' brain!. We went to a great meat market with wonderful meats and other groceries. When we got home, Nancy and Holly filled my med box, which is good for 2 weeks. I did real well this past week about not forgetting to take all my meds -- I often do not see all that I need to take!

Perception is one of my shortfalls -- no wonder I had to quit driving! It is quite foggy again tonite, so do not know if we will get to see the meteor shower tomorrow morning.

Wish I could have gone to the concert tonite, but oh well, that's the way "the cookie crumbles," as they say. Maybe I can get a CD of it when I go to Florida.

No one was in chat this afternoon, so hope someone is there tonite -- maybe not so crowded!

Nov. 16, 2001

Thoughts about Alzheimer's Disease...

I am astounded at how I go in and out of denial in terms of my disease. I so much want to feel that it will get beter rather than worse, and even though I try very hard to stay afloat, lately, I have been feeling that I have a very soggy lifejacket and it will not hold me up much longer.

I have been having serious thoughts of how much longer I will be able to have some kind of dignity in my life. Trying to get going on a new web page has been exhausting--my brain just will not help me! And yet, even other tasks seem quite simple. Such is the mystery of this disease!

Sometimes, I just want to give up. Perhaps going to chat this evening will help. So much to do and so little time to do it! And yet, I know my Higher Power will give me whatever time I need--not what I want!

I am looking forward to spending a week each with 2 of my sons in the next few weeks, even though I know the traveling and change of surroundings will be hard on me.

Please, God, give me the strength to do what I need to be doing tomorrow and however many more days I have.

November 10, 2001

John came over from Lafayette and we stopped at Becky's before going out for lunch. Rick showed him the house and then John and I went out for Mexican food. Did not taste as good as I had remembered it, and I enjoyed being with my oldest son (now 50) and catching up with his life.

He assured me that all of my children want to keep the Burntside Lake property and that was good news to hear!

Later that evening, Rick and Becky took me to Lafayette where Rachel, Kirk and Matt had dinner with us at the Texas Roadhouseafter an hour and a half wait.

It was very hard for me to listen with all the noisy background. When I got home, I got on the computer instead of going to bed. I am writing this as I sit in Nancy's office on Sunday morning. Sitting there reminded me of the many hours I spent in that office years ago when I was CE director for the church. So many nice new changes! I am so proud of her!



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