The following rant was published in the UML Connector on 5/1/1.

Before I get into the column this week there are quite a few people I need to mention and thank. First of all I’d like to thank all of those people that came to the dunk booth at the Carnival. We raised a lot of money and a good part of it will be going to help some really sick kids. Also, I’d like to thank Mark (with a "K") for being the first person to dunk me. (Mark, I want a copy of that tape!) And a big ol’ congratulations goes out to Mary Anne for knocking me on my ass as well (and getting bragging rights over Sue).

Here we go...

Why on God’s green Earth do we still have the FCC? Why the Hell were they created in the first place? Is it so we don’t accidentally turn on the TV to find a naked breast bouncing before our eyes? Odds are that you know what you are going to watch when you turn the TV on and would know weither or not there was going to be nudity or violence or sex or swearing or any combination of the above. If not, if you are just sitting in front of the TV to pass time and fear that the few seconds of "vulgarity" that will flood your eyes before you can change the channel will warp your mind you are too stupid and it’s about time the tribal council of Earth gathered together and voted you off the planet. (Speaking of voting off, remember to vote today to get MassPRIG the Hell off our campus. This silly, stupid, shiftless, tree-hugging, whiney, over-protective, arrogant, negligent, foolhardy, annoying, thieving, sniveling, cancerous group that passes itself off as some sort of environmental protection group when, in reality, they waste time preaching about credit card scams and, in the long run, accomplish nothing noteworthy.)

The FCC is an arcane group that tells us what is OK to say and what is OK to hear, at least as far as our airwaves go. But with V-Chip technology are they still needed? I doubt that if language barriers were lifted that we would all of a sudden find Big Bird searching the slummy side of Sesame Street for a whore and a dime bag.

I watch the Sopranos because it’s a well-written show with great editing, directing, and, most of all, acting. If it were nothing more than nudity and gun fights with the occasional expletive thrown in I probably wouldn’t bother. If I want to see something that mindless I’ll watch an Adam Sandler movie, thank you very much.

"Oh, but if we put such things on TV people might be more likely to watch it!"

Well... yeah. People wouldn’t develop a need to watch it. The want is already there. That’s why we pay to see movies like Along Came A Spider rather than buying a ticket for Spy Kids at the same time. We want dirty, gritty entertainment and the FCC wont let the advertising pay the tab, they want us to.

If someone came up to you and said that you couldn’t say a certain word or else they would fine you money would you fight? The First Amendment is absolute and must always be. Freedom of speech is not a multiple-choice question.

If you think we need the FCC then you are a cynic; you think people are too stupid or mean to behave themselves on their own. The ironic part is that it is the cynical ones who would push to rid us of the FCC because cynical people are more open to darker entertainment. The uppity, over-protective, Bible-thumping sects are the ones who want the government stepping in and cleaning up television. Oddly enough, they are the ones who are supposed to believe in the goodness of people.

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slappypyne@hotmail.com