Enemies are so stimulating. -Katharine Hepburn
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The cobra will bite you whether you call it cobra or Mr. Cobra. -- Indian Proverb
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch..
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around Your neck
I got an "A" in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist. -- Judy Tenuta
You want my recipe for trail mix? Plain M&MS. Kraft Caramels. Peanut M&Ms. It gets me over the mountain. -- Roseanne
This woman sneezed like 300 times. She said, 'There must be something in the air.' I said, 'Yeah, your germs.' -- Linda Herskovic
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Dare to be naive.
Life is just a series of trying to make up your mind.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Worry is as useless as a handle on a snowball.
If you receive something that says "Send this to everyone you know," PLEASE pretend you don't know me.
Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called brightness, but it doesn't work.
If at first you don't succeed, then quit. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender."
A hospital is no place to be sick.
I can give you a definite perhaps.
I am at two with nature
My own business bores me to death. I prefer other people's
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!" --Groucho Marx(I love this guy!!!)
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
Let the chips fall where they may, but when the alcohol wears off tomorrow there's going to be one hell of a mess to clean up
"I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but, by God, they frighten me." --Duke of Wellington, in reference to his own army
The post office is raising the price of stamps by 1 cent to upgrade their equipment. Apparently they're upgrading from semiautomatics to Uzis.
When author Dorothy Parker was challenged to use the word horticulture in a sentence, she replied... "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
" I don't put butter on my bread, I consider that cooking" -Katherine Cebrian.
If you see a snake, kill it. Don't appoint a committee on snakes.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde
People who never get carried away should be. -- Malcolm Forbes
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit." -- R.E. Shay
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. -- Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
Sign In an Office: After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
If only God would give me a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. --Woody Allen
I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence. - Edgar Allen Poe(My favorite Short story writer)
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining
There are two kinds of people: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." C.S. Lewis awesome writer. You should read Screwtape Letters!)
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are often the same people.
No explanation ever explains the necessity of making one. -- Elbert Hubbard
You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm. – Colette
An eye for an eye makes everyone blind.
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult!"
"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do."
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." --Mitch Ratliffe
"I usually get my stuff from people who promised somebody else that they would keep it a secret." --Walter Winchell (a great reporter)
"Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime." --G. Gordon Liddy
"When life hands you lemons, throw them at your neighbor." --Anonymous
"Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible." --Javier Pascual Salcedo
"Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it." --G. K. Chesterton
Love teaches even asses to dance. -- French Proverb
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." ---David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." ---Brooke Shields
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." ---Hillary Clinton
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." ---Former French President Charles De Gaulle
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." ---A Congressional Candidate in Texas
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed... Oh wait! He does!
Dullness is a misdemeanor.
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." --Robert Frost(Ahh, One of the best poets don't you think?)
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty - she's ninety-seven today and we don't know where the hell she is."
May the dragon of life only roast your hot-dogs and never burn your buns!
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story.
If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. -Katherine Hepburn
You can get farther with a good word and a gun than you can with a good word alone. -Al "Scarface" Capone
The meek shall inherit the earth - if that's all right with you.
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
He who prays for his neighbors, will be heard for himself
The things that count most in life are usually the things that cannot be counted
If you can learn from hard knocks, you can also learn from soft touches."
Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Life is just a series of trying to make up your mind.
ich liebe dich – I love you
Set your expectations high; find men and women whose integrity and values you respect; get their agreement on a course of action; and give them your ultimate trust.
You are all you will ever have for certain.
Life without a friend is death without a witness. -- Spanish Proverb
It is enough that I am of value to somebody today.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
All that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable.
Courage is the most important of all virtues, because without it we can't practice any other virtue with consistency.
God gave burdens, also shoulders.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
"When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly."
People are like tea bags --you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.
If you can learn from hard knocks, you can also learn from soft touches."
The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering.
A man has not lived until he has almost died. For those who have fought, life has a flavor the protected will never know."
Treat every person with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you. Remember that you show compassion to others not because of who they are but because of who you are."
"Freedom is not worth having if it doesn't include the freedom to make mistakes." -Gandhi
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."
To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it. -- Confucius There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. -- Josh Billings
You can't expect to win unless you know why you lose. -- Benjamin Lipson
Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. -- Raymond Lindquist
No one knows what he can do until he tries. -- Publilius Syrus
Become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid. -- Lady Bird Johnson
Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting. -- Christopher Morley
Tell a man he is brave, and you help him to become so. -- Thomas Carlyle
There's much to be said for challenging fate instead of ducking behind it. -- Diana Trilling
Freedom lies in being bold. -- Robert Frost(One of my favorite poets)
People are either born hosts or born guests. -- Sir Max Meerbohm
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been."
An eye for an eye makes everyone blind.
"Fears over tomorrow and regrets over yesterday are twin thieves that rob us of the moment."
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought."
"The mind has exactly the same power as the hands: not merely to grasp the world, but to change it." --Colin Wilson
"Nobody ever defended anything successfully -- there is only attack and attack and attack some more." --General George S. Patton
"Without the rocks, the stream would lose its song."
"The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions." --Alfred Adler "
Be daring, be different, be impractical; be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary." --Cecil Beaton
"The greatest sweetener of human life is Friendship. To raise this to the highest pitch of enjoyment, is a secret which but few discover."
Fools look to tomorrow; wise men use tonight. -- Scottish Proverb
We only do well the things we like doing. – Colette
Love teaches even asses to dance. -- French Proverb
Pain is never permanent.
Enthusiasm moves the world." --J. Balfour
"Imagination is the highest kite one can fly." --Lauren Bacall
"Wonder rather than doubt is the root of knowledge." --Abraham Joshua Heschel
"The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well. " --H. T. Leslie
"Slang is a language that rolls up its sleeves, spits on its hands and goes to work." --Carl Sandburg
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"False modesty is better than none." --Vilhjalmur Steffanson
"Goodwill is the one and only asset that competition cannot undersell or destroy. " -- Marshall Field
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." --Erma Bombeck
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
"When trouble comes, wise men take to their work; weak men take to the woods." --Elbert Hubbard
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
"This American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it capitalism, call it what you will, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it." - gangster Al Capone
Church Signs
No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace.
Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads,"For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.
Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily.
How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Nonsmoking?
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
In the dark? Follow the Son.
Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
He who prays for his neighbors, will be heard for himself
The things that count most in life are usually the things that cannot be counted
Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining
There are two kinds of people: Those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." C.S. Lewis
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are often the same people.
As long as there are tests, there WILL be prayer in public schools.
