Disclaimer: I only own the plot and a few select characters (the ones no one cares about). The rest belong to the wonderful J.K. Rowling, and unless Santa gives me the legal rights to them for Christmas (I can hope, can't I?) then they will remain that way.

Romeo, Romeo, Whofore art thou, Romeo?

Chapter 1: The Quidditch Match

"I can't believe the play is in three days." Lily Evans said to her boyfriend, James Potter and his three friends, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black.

"Yeah, but first thing's first Lil." Sirius said with a grin, "We've got Slytherin asses to kick tomorrow in Quidditch. Right James?"

"Absolutely." James replied with a lightening grin, "And as soon as we've got the Quidditch Cup secured we can do the Romeo and Juliet thing." He smiled at Lily.

"I'm still surprised they're doing a muggle play." Remus put in.

"Yeah, but as Professor Dumbledore said, 'Shakespeare has a magic all its own.'" Lily quoted. "What do you guys think our chances for the cup are tomorrow?"

"We were looking really great at practice today." James began, and he and Sirius were off, filling Lily and Remus in on the upcoming match against their archrivals, while Peter sat muttering quietly to himself.

"Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?" He was preparing for his two-line roll of the servant Abram in the upcoming play. Suddenly Sirius clapped him on the shoulder.

"You'll be fine, Wormtail, old buddy! Besides you have the whole Quidditch match to memorize during. I mean, it must be pretty difficult: Do you bite your thumb at me sir? Twice!" Peter blushed a rosy red as the others dissolved into laughter.

"It is difficult! Getting the timing and everything right, I mean. What if I mess it up and the whole play is ruined?"

Lily got a hold on her giggles and placed a comforting hand on Peter's shoulder. "You'll be great Peter- we've all gone over your lines with you- and don't forget; there'll be cues from backstage about when you're supposed to enter and speak and everything."

"Yeah- cues given by Snape." Peter muttered darkly. "He'd like nothing better than to see me humiliate myself in front of the whole school."

"That's not true!" James said brightly, "He'd much rather see me humiliate myself in front of the whole school!"

"Yeah!" Sirius added, "You're just a much easier target!"

"That was sensitive, Sirius." Remus said sarcastically as Lily tried to comfort Peter.

"Just what I was going for!" Sirius shot back good-naturedly. "But seriously, Peter, don't worry. Snape will be much too busy trying to make the balcony fall on James before he climbs up it to worry about making you miss your cues."

"Hey!" James said indignantly, but they ignored him.

"Sirius is right, Peter." Lily began, only to be interrupted by James muttering "That's a first." This dubiously well timed comment caused a brief and furious fistfight between the two friends outside the portrait of the Fat Lady. Their three companions however, took no notice and sidestepped them to climb through the portrait hole.

"Honestly, those two!" Lily said shaking her head and laughing.

"You don't think they'll hurt each other do you?" Peter asked, glancing nervously behind him.

"On the night before the match for the Quidditch Cup against Slytherin? Nah. They both know that we're in no position to be maiming each other now. Besides, they're too evenly matched to each other serious harm." Remus spoke up.

"Right" Said Lily nodding firmly and leading Peter over to the fireplace past a group of third year boys playing Exploding Snap. Unbeknownst to Lily they gawked un-subtly as she passed, robes swishing, and unbeknownst to both Lily and the boys, James and Sirius had just climbed through the portrait hole. With a flick of his wand, Sirius (ever the defender of ladies' honor-- when it involved playing a prank) gave them all bunny tails. James seemed nonplussed as he quickly removed the tails with a swish of his own wand, and headed over to his girlfriend and Peter who was something of a bumbling Romeo for "Juliet" to practice her lines with. He kept losing his place in the script. Remus, the ever-dutiful prefect was busily chastising a Gryffindor team chaser and Sirius's fellow beater for painting a very -er- unflattering likeness of the Slytherin team captain on the stone wall.

All in all, the atmosphere in the room was jovial and anticipatory, but as the evening wore on it became more and more of the latter.

James, captain of the Gryffindor team, was dealing with the pressure surprisingly well. He sat, removed from the center of things, off to one side of the fireplace in a huge armchair with Lily curled up next to him, dozing, and Terence Wronski, the seeker, crouched in front of him discussing strategies.

Sirius dealt with the pressure of the upcoming match as he dealt with everything else- by being loud and boisterous and generally creating many explosions all throughout Gryffindor tower. He systematically blew up a rubber snake, which was wearing a strange name tag reading "Sal", his own Potions cauldron, Peter's cauldron, and the fourth year girls' dormitory. (Well, the contents thereof at least.) This last one finally got the desired reaction. Remus looked ready to throttle him; while half the girls ran to the room screaming about precious possessions and the other half seemed to think it was the most brilliant joke. That might have had something to do with it being played by one of the most eligible seventh year boy in Gryffindor house.

James often pointed out that the reason Sirius was so "eligible" was because no one could stand him for longer than three days at the tops (this was the record of Sirius' longest ever relationship with one Evelyn Abbott, the culmination of which had involved her dumping an entire pitcher of iced pumpkin juice down his front at the seventh year Halloween ball.).

When James glanced over at his friend, surrounded by a swarm of girls all at least a foot shorter than he was, Sirius mouthed to him "Five days." And pointed at a blond one. James shook his head and mouthed back "Five minutes, more like!" before turning his attention back to Terence who was three minutes into a detailed explanation of a complicated new maneuver he'd developed for capturing the snitch called the "Wronski Feint". James was nodding in all the right places, but it sounded as though Terence had already figured out exactly how best to use the new move and was only talking to James about it because he was the Captain and to relieve his own case of pre-match nerves. James glanced down at his enchanted watch and noticed that its single hand was pointed at "GO TO BED". He gently shook Lily awake and stood up, climbing on the end table next to the chair, thereby adding an extra four feet to his six foot - one figure. This immediately got the attention of the crowded room.

He said, "Team- it's time we got some sleep. Yes, Sirius, you too." (To the glare he got from his friend who had the blond fourth year on his lap.) Around the room seven people got to their feet and headed towards both girls and boys staircases. "I hope you all come to the match tomorrow to cheer Gryffindor on to the cup. 'Night!" With those words, the crowd gave a tremendous cheer and James hopped off the table, giving Lily a quick kiss on the cheek before hurrying after Sirius and guiding him away from the girl's staircase which he was following the keeper (Eliza Morrigan) up.

~

The next morning dawned cool and damp, with dewdrops crowning the grass on the Quidditch pitch. James woke early to find the sun peeking through the curtains of their dorm room and his dorm mates all fast asleep. He lay in bed for a few moments watching each of them in turn- Remus peacefully lying still and quiet; Peter snoring rhythmically; and Sirius muttering quietly with a suspicious grin on his face. James climbed out of bed and yanked a white tee shirt over his head before pulling a set of robes out of his wardrobe. As he opened the door of the wardrobe a feather pillow hit him in the back of the head. He whirled around and saw Sirius sitting on the foot of his bed, holding another pillow, which he flung at James. The latter however, having lived in the same dormitory as Sirius for seven years, ducked and then tackled his friend to the floor where they wrestled. It was practically a morning ritual. This was the scene that greeted Remus and Peter when they awoke.

Remus calmly stepped over them on his way to the bathroom while Peter watched from the safety of his bed. The "fight" was over as soon as it started and the four friends (after coaxing Peter out from behind his bed hangings) headed down to breakfast. They found Lily already at the Gryffindor table, reading over her lines for the upcoming play and visibly excited about the match. When James sat down beside her she looked up, her green eyes glowing, and shut her script quickly.

"You're late."

"Good morning to you, too, Lil." James said smiling at her and piling eggs on his plate.

"Yeah, morning sunshine." Sirius said, plopping down across from Lily, who stuck her tongue out at him.

"Well, you are." She said a bit peevishly. "Emily said you might just sleep through the match and we'd have to forfeit to Slytherin."

Emily Hobbs was a sixth year Hufflepuff, notorious for her paranoia, whom Lily had befriended in her second year out of pity. The two had become casual friends and Lily usually just let Emily's worrying roll off her back, but when she was nervous already it sometimes got the best of her.

"D'you honestly think Remus would let us sleep through the match? And even if he didn't wake up, you would have come and smacked us both upside the head to get us up." James pointed out between bites.

Lily smiled wryly, "True." She finished her last bite of toast and picked up her script again. "I'm going to run this back up to the tower before the match. Good Luck, you guys!" She kissed James on the cheek and hurried off.

After following her out of the great hall with his eyes, James let his gaze wander over to the Slytherin table, where their rival team was seated. They were in a group towards one end and looked tense. 'Good,' thought James, 'Let them get a good sweat going.' Sirius followed his gaze and said, "They look nervous." His voice sounded positively gleeful about it.

"Let them be." James said turning back to his friends with a grin, "They've got good reason."

~

Half an hour later the Gryffindor team was in the locker room, changing into their scarlet robes. Everyone seemed captivated by their own thoughts on the brink of this important game- it was against Slytherin, their biggest rival; it was for the cup- the last game of the year; and for many of them, their last game at Hogwarts- the seventh years were particularly quiet.

James pulled his Quidditch robes over his head, thinking about the many games he'd played on this pitch in the six years he had played for Gryffindor. He thought about how this would be his last one, and that no matter the outcome of the match, part of him would be sad to see it end. Sirius was sitting on the end of the bench in front of his locker, a picture of the Slytherins' captain in his hand. He was making strange faces and muttering rude comments about the boy's nose under his breath. Terence Wronski was bent over a piece of parchment on which he was perfecting the Wronski feint for any eventuality. Eliza Morrigan sat at the same end as Sirius, laughing at the antics of the picture he was taunting. And Jamie Preskenis and Abdul Patil, the team's only "couple" and James' fellow chasers, sat quietly in a corner discussing something that no one asked about.

Finally James looked up at the clock and realized that if he was going to say anything, now was the time. He cleared his throat and began: "You guys, you know we're ready for this- I know we're ready for this. It's many of your last times on this field and it's very appropriate that it’s against this team. Slytherin thinks they can beat us- well the only way that's going to happen is if we let them. Are we going to let them?"

The answer was a resounding "NO!!"

" We can beat them, but only if we all give it all we've got. Are we going to give this match everything we've got?"

"YES!!!"

"Okay, then. Let's go!" And with that, the Gryffindor team left the locker room.

~

About twenty minutes into the match, James had possession of the quaffle and put it through the towering hoop easily, evoking a roar from the crowd.

The announcer, Ravenclaw Justin Witherspoon, crowed into the microphone: "That beautiful goal from Gryffindor captain James Potter brings the score to Gryffindor 40, Slytherin 20!"

James circled the goalpost and then flew back towards the center of the pitch. Terence was about twenty feet above him, circling like a hawk, watching for the snitch. The Slytherin seeker seemed to be following him, but Terence was holding his own; besides, James reminded himself, that's what the Wronski Feint required.

Sirius, at the Gryffindor goalpost end, had just sent a bludger hurtling at a Slytherin who'd been about to score. The boy dropped the quaffle and veered off course to avoid the bludger, and Jamie Preskenis scooped up the red ball and began tearing off towards the other goals. She was dodging bludgers from both Slytherin beaters and when she came up to James she tossed him the ball. He took off to where Abdul was waiting, only a few feet away from the Slytherin keeper. James threw him the quaffle and Abdul put it through the hoop- 50 to 20. The Gryffindor section of the crowd went wild again as Justin shouted the news. Suddenly though, there was a collective gasp from the stands. Terence and the Slytherin seeker, Avery, has just gone into practically vertical dives, with Terence about a broom's length in front of Avery. The two were speeding towards the ground so fast it looked as though they would crash. At the last moment, Terence pulled out of the dive and rocketed upwards, but it was too late for Avery- he slammed into the pitch with a thud, as the Slytherins in the stands booed and groaned. Madame Pomfrey, who'd been waiting at the sidelines for just such a time as this rushed out to the fallen seeker and hastily mended his bleeding nose, muttering "Eneverate" at the same time. Soon the Slytherin seeker was back in the air, and Justin was still marveling over the loudspeaker at the fantastic new move from the Gryffindor seeker.

Terence flew over to James to give him a high-five when he suddenly spotted the snitch- the real snitch. It was perhaps thirty feet above them hovering, as though not sure which direction to take off in next. Terence took off after it and twenty feet below James, so did Avery. At the same moment, Bulstrode- on of the Slytherin beaters sent a bludger hurtling towards them, undoubtedly trying to hit Terence. His aim was a bit off, however, and the black missile, hit James in the back with a sickening crunch. As though it were in slow motion, James heard the crowd gasp and yell, he felt his grip on the broom loosen, heard a shriek from the crowd "James!", and heard someone above him say "Oh shit!" as he plummeted towards the ground. Then, everything went black.

Chapter 2: The Bad News

"How long d'you suppose he'll be out?"

"I dunno! What're you asking me for?"

"Because you have the most experience at being unconscious of all of us, Sirius."

"No, he doesn't- he has the most experience knocking other people out, not himself. No, really Peter has spent the most time unconscious."

--Whimper--

These were the sounds filtering through James Potter's still ringing ears as he lay still on a bed in the Hogwarts hospital wing, his eyes shut tight. Much to the contrary of his lucid companions' opinions, he was no longer unconscious, though he had been for almost twenty minutes after falling nearly fifty feet from his broomstick.

"Shh, Peter!" Lily hushed him, "He's going to be fi-"

Suddenly, James groaned.

"James!"

"Jimmy boy! Rise and shine!"

"We've won James! Terry got the snitch after you fell! We've won the cup!"

"I gave Bulstrode a hell of a bloody nose after he hit you!" This last one was Sirius, and James groggily opened his eyes to see Lily hitting him. He laughed weakly. "Leave him be, Lil. He was just defending my honor…"

"I was not! I enjoyed giving him that bloody nose!" This was Sirius' indignant response and Lily hit him again. At that moment, the door to the hospital wing burst open and James and Sirius' teammates clambered into the room; they were all celebrating, carrying Terry on their shoulders. Terry was cradling the glistening Quidditch Cup in his arms and he hopped off Abdul's shoulders and brought it over to James, lying it on the bed next to him.

"There you go, captain! What a way to go out, 'eh?"

"What a way to go, Terry." James agreed smiling at the younger boy and his other teammates. "I wish I could've seen Snape's face when you caught the snitch!" And they were all off, telling about the Slytherins' defeat.

~

Later that night, when the team and James' friends returned to the Gryffindor common room and left him alone in the silent hospital wing, James lay awake thinking about the match, and the injuries to his back, which, though already healed by magic, still required supervision according to the slightly paranoid Madame Pomfrey.

"Potter, you have to stay in the hospital wing for two days at least, for observation! You suffered several broken vertebrae and if you were a muggle…"

James had zoned out after that, and didn't care to remember the moments any more. He turned his thoughts instead to Lily and his friends, but after a few seconds of dwelling on Sirius, he decided that perhaps he should stick to Lily. She'd make a fabulous Juliet in the play tomorrow…The play! Madame Pomfrey's words drifted back to him…"two days at the least". He wouldn't be able to be in the play-- who, then, would play Romeo?

Sirius perhaps? No, he was far to good a Mercutio to be moved this late. Maybe Remus…but he really did such a wonderful father Capulet. The only person James could think of that wasn't perfectly matched for their role was Peter, but then, he wasn't perfectly matched for any role; and even on her most insane day, Professor McGonagall would never do anything that crazy. Who could his replacement be?

~

At the same moments that James was drifting into a fitful sleep because of his predicament, Minerva McGonagall was climbing the stairs from the Slytherin dungeon common room, heading up to the Gryffindor tower one. She rarely entered either, but after today's Quidditch match arrangements had to be made about the coming play-- and she had a feeling Juliet might be in need of damage control after she learned of her professor's decision. She gave the Fat Lady the password and climbed through the portrait hole, scattering a group of giggly first year girls who appeared to be sighing over James' Quidditch picture in last year's annual. She spotted Lily Evans seated on a big couch by the fire surrounded by the rest of the Quidditch team and Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. The whole group was laughing and enjoying bottles of butterbeer, which they quickly hid when she approached. Ignoring this, McGonagall tapped Lily on the shoulder and asked if she'd come talk to her in the corner for a moment. She agreed and stood up, following her to a secluded part of the common room, where no one was seated just then.

"Lily, you know that James has to be in the hospital wing for three days, right?"

"Yes, under Madame Pomfrey's orders, I know." She vigorously bobbed her long red tresses.

"Well, obviously he can't be Romeo tomorrow in the opening night of the play, and it's been left in my hands to find a replacement."

Lily gave a small gasp, "I'd forgotten entirely about the play!" She said, covering her mouth with her hand. "Well, who've you found, Professor?"

McGonagall mumbled something under her breath.

"Sorry?" Lily said straining to hear over the noise in the common room.

"I said…"

~

Remus looked over at where Lily was seated across from McGonagall.

"D'you think she's in trouble?" Terry asked, coming up behind him.

"Lily? Doubt it-- it's probably something to do with being head girl, or something."

Suddenly both boys jumped up at a shrill shriek from across the room.

"SEVERUS SNAPE?" Lily had jumped up from her position across from McGonagall and was visibly shaking. Remus instantly recognized it as repressed rage, and he knew that for Lily to react that way to a teacher whatever McGonagall had said had to be very bad. He hurried over with Sirius close on his heels.

They reached them quickly and Lily had managed to control herself somewhat. She was speaking in a very strained voice, but it was quiet enough so that everyone seemed to have gone back to what they were doing.

"…cannot act across from Severus Snape. I can't Professor! I mean… it's Romeo and Juliet…not The Bride Of Frankenstein! Sorry- that was mean, but still…" Remus realized all to quickly what must have happened. Prongs was out of commission for at least two days- on Madame Pomfrey's insistence, but tomorrow was opening night of the play- they needed a replacement Romeo, and apparently Snape was it. Sirius, meanwhile, had gone through a range of emotions: shock, disgust, bewilderment, and delight all manifested themselves on his face respectively.

"Miss Evans, I know this is difficult, but please- for the sake of the play…I've already spoken to Severus about it and he's agreed. If you refuse to act with him, then I suppose you refuse to act at all." McGonagall had apparently recovered from the obvious affront of being shrieked at by a student and was back on track. She left the common room as Remus helped Lily to a nearby chair. She was fuming. "Snape… that bloody prick! The only reason he agreed is because it's another opportunity to further his war with James- he doesn't care about Shakespeare!"

"No, but he might be willing to put up with it if he gets to kiss you." Sirius pointed out, with a grin.

Lily's emerald eyes opened very wide. "K-kiss?"

"You remember Lil, you and James used to be quite good at it- lips together…" Remus hit him as Lily buried her head in her arms.

"I will not kiss that slimy snake!" She groaned.

"Shhhh, Lil. It'll be okay." Remus attempted to comfort her by patting her awkwardly on the back.

"Yeah, Lily. You don't really think we'd let you play Juliet to Snape's Romeo, do you?" Sirius said, grinning at her. "You won't have to kiss him."

"I'm not quitting the play! I've worked too hard for too long to throw it away over Snape." She insisted.

"Who said anything about you quitting?" Sirius asked, a malevolent gleam in his eye. "Oh no, once we get through with him, Snape'll beg McGonagall to let him out…"

~

An hour later found Remus, Sirius, and Peter seated by their fellow Marauder's bed in the hospital wing.

"James! Wake up! We've got major problem solving to be done- you can't just sleep through it!" Sirius hissed, shaking his friend awake.

"W-what?" James yawned as he opened his eyes. "What time is it? What are you guys doing here?"

"12:53." Remus answered the first question, glancing at the clock.

"Trying to save your girlfriend from a fate way worse than death." Sirius answered the second.

"Huh?" James asked, pushing himself up to a sitting position.

"Well, James, you may or may not have remembered that the play in which you are supposed to star as Romeo takes place tomorrow night." Sirius began in a business-like tone.

"And that since you have been declared bed-ridden for at least tow days, by our esteemed nurse, someone will have to take your place opposite the lovely Lily." Remus continued.

"Yeah, I had remembered actually. So which one of you guys is going to do it?" James looked expectantly from one boy to the other, as Peter stared conspicuously at his shoes.

"Er-, well, when I said "a fate worse than death, I didn't mean she'd have to kiss Moony." Sirius began to explain.

"Thanks." Remus said wryly.

"No problem." Sirius replied, ignoring the sarcasm, "Actually, McGonagall has already appointed your replacement-- none other than…Severus Snape."

James fell back onto his pillow with a thud.

"Do you think he's fainted?" Sirius asked.

"Well, with news like that, I wouldn't be surprised." Remus answered.

"Do you think he's dead?" Peter squeaked.

"I'm not dead and I haven't fainted- it's just much easier to have a nightmare when you're lying down and your eyes are closed." A voice came from the bed.

"No time for dreaming, Jimmy boy." Sirius said, pulling him back up. "We've got to plan how to save Lily in less than twenty-four hours. Now let's see…"

Chapter 3: The Prank

The morning of the play dawned clear and cool- a typical British October. Lily woke in the girl's dormitory, unaware of the Marauder's midnight meeting the night before. The only thoughts tumbling around her head were of the persistent butterflies, fighting to escape from her stomach, and of the horrifying thought of her possible co-star that evening. But, as has been said in theater since the days of ancient Greece, the show must go on.

At breakfast Lily pushed her food around her plate sullenly, as though resigned to her doom; while Sirius and Remus kept a close watch on Snape as they munched on sausages and eggs. Peter, totally oblivious to the anxious moods of his three friends, ate his breakfast in relative peace and was thankful for it. That was a rare treat when you had friends like his.

When the meal was almost done the moment Remus and Sirius had been waiting for arrived. The flock of owls flew into the Great Hall in a flurry of feathers carrying the customary daily mail. One owl flew over to Lily, dropping a note in her untouched porridge. She pulled it out, mopped it dry with her napkin, and unfolded it.

Lil-

Good morning! Come visit me after breakfast with Sirius, Remus, and Peter; you'll want to hear about their plan, as it involves you. They told me last night about the Snape fiasco, but don't worry- we'll get you out of it! Good luck with the play tonight; I know you'll be fabulous!

-James

As she refolded the note, confused, but happy and relieved nonetheless, Lily shot Sirius and Remus questioning looks. But, their attentions were directed elsewhere. Another owl had just dropped a letter at Snape's place, across the hall. The owl was one of those from the school Owlery, so there was no way to tell who'd sent it… unless of course you were the reader or the writer. The inside of that particular note looked something like this:

Severus-

Meet me tonight at 7:00 at the edge of the lake near the oak tree there. I need to see you- to wish you luck on your performance, even though I know you'll be wonderful. Don't approach me before then, however. I don't want Lucius to be suspicious. See you tonight.

~ Evilynna

As Sirius and Remus watched, Snape put down the note and his greasy head swiveled to where Evilynna Villatry was seated with her entourage of female Slytherins. They were talking in an oblivious sort of way so that none of them noticed their secret observer. Evilynna was easily the most popular girl in the Slytherin house and sported thick jet black hair that fell loosely to her shoulders. Her eyes were a clear blue that remarkably resembled glacial ice. She was the best looking girl in Slytherin (which as many would point out wasn't saying much) and she knew it, so it was understandable that Snape's face wore a mask of confusion as he looked back at the note he'd been sent.

Then his head turned in the other direction towards the end of the table where Aaron Lestrange was seated, surrounded by the Slytherin Quidditch members. Aaron was to Slytherin what James Potter was to Gryffindor-- their golden, -er-, silver boy. He and Evilynna ("Evi" to him and only him, unless you had some strange desire to finish the school year on jelly-legs.) had a notoriously tumultuous relationship and it was rumored they stayed together only for the social status they each provided each other, but stay together they did, and Aaron would no doubt be most upset if he discovered his girlfriend was holding secret rendez-vous with other guys. And yet, despite all of these most foreboding reasons, Snape could not disguise his pleasure at the invitation, not even from the two observers across the great hall.

Soon people began to trickle back to their common rooms to get ready for their first classes, but when Sirius jumped up, pulling Remus along with him and collecting Lily and Peter on their way out, he headed up to the hospital wing. They found James sitting up in his bed, pouring avidly over a book.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were studying." Lily said, shooting him a grin, retaining her sense of humor even in the face of her own impending doom.

James looked up. "You know me too well." He laughed and held up the book: 1,001 Ways to Control Inanimate Objects. "I've found it, guys- 'mobilus arbore'. Then just use your wand to indicate direction. It's all right here." He handed Sirius the thick volume, still open, and jabbed at a section of the page with his finger.

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Lily asked, suspiciously.

"Lily, you and I would both have a much worse feeling about Snape being in that play with you tonight- trust me." James said as his girlfriend gave a resigned sigh and sat on the bed next to him.

"You're right. I hate to admit it, but you're right. This isn't going to involve any major bodily injuries is it? Or land you all in detention for the rest of your natural lives?"

"It doesn't have to!" Sirius said brightly, looking up from the book at the same time James replied "Not major…" Lily glared at them both.

"I can handle this easily enough." Sirius continued, gazing back down at the page.

"Good." James looked at him happily. "Snape won't know what hit him- literally."

~

The day's classes seemed to drag by, until finally it was time for dinner. Curtain time was at 8:00, so the Marauders had a small window of opportunity to do their job, or, as Remus put it, Lily was toast. They all went down to dinner as usual, but this evening, the boys ate much faster than ordinary- which for them was saying something. They ran back up to the common room while Lily hurried off to get in costume.

"Come on, Peter!" Sirius yelled through the bathroom door, "We don't have much time!"

"Do I have to put this on?" Peter whined on the other side.

"Yes! Do it for Lily. And besides, haven't you ever wondered how you'd look as a brunette?"

After much grumbling, including "I am a brunette!" Peter emerged from the bathroom, wearing his normal school robes, shoes with spike heels, and a jet black wig.

"You look simply fah-bulous, dahling!" Sirius mock-gushed, clasping his hands in delight. "Now let's get going; it's almost a quarter till seven, and we have to beat Snape to that Oak tree!"

The three boys headed out of the common room, ignoring the occasional strange glance they'd get from whomever happened to be watching. They started down the sweeping staircase, but the staircases at Hogwarts were no laughing matter, especially not for someone who'd never worn high-heels before. (Or so Peter vehemently insisted as Sirius nodded patronizingly.)

Eventually, after the second time he fell, Remus grabbed one of his arms under the elbow and Sirius took the other- they were off with Peterella (Sirius had renamed him for the occasion.) dangling between them. By the time they reached the tree on the bank of the lake, they had five minutes to catch their breath and hurry up the tree. Peter stood conspicuously beneath the creaking branches as Sirius and Remus positioned themselves.

Remus leaned down to whisper to his friend, "Remember Peter- not until he's only twenty feet away or so."

"I know." Peter whispered back.

"Shut-up, both of you. Here he comes." Sirius hissed.

The night fell silent, save the gentle sound of water lapping at the lake's edge and the occasional creak of a tree branch.

Hidden behind the leaves and branches, Sirius was seated in the middle of the tree- at the top of the trunk, his wand at the ready, while Remus was perched on a thick limb, clasping and releasing handfuls of his robes out of nerves.

As Snape neared the meeting place he quickened his pace and Peter stiffened. When Snape was about fifteen feet away, he began to call out to "Evilynna", when suddenly "she" disappeared. He gave a startled cry and broke into a run until he reached the spot where "she'd" been standing, now marked only by a black wig, a pair of shoes, and a pile of robes. He looked frantically behind the tree, but saw only a rat scurrying up it onto an outstretched branch.

An outstretched branch?

Suddenly, with an almighty creak the tree began to move. Snape stood, petrified, as one particularly large branch reached down and picked him up clean off the ground the smaller outshoots wrapping around his ribcage like very bony fingers, pinning his arms to his sides. The branch moved up swiftly and then jerked down, causing Snape to feel more than a little nauseous. Then the branch pulled itself back like a catapult and hurled him, screaming, over its top, into the murky waters of the lake beyond.

As Sirius, Remus, and Peter climbed out of the tree they surveyed their handy-work. Snape was perhaps fifty feet out, thrashing about wildly. He seemed convinced that the tree still had a hold of him and was frantically trying to fight it off.

From the bank, Sirius grinned.

"Do you think he'll be alright?" Peter asked, a worried note in his quavering voice.

"Him? Yeah. He'll be fine. Don't you remember when he tried to shove James out of the boat on that first ride across the lake in first year?" Sirius grinned at the memory.

"And then James shoved him out instead." Remus put in.

"I have never seen anyone swim so fast!" Sirius chuckled. "So you see Peter, unfortunately Snape won't drown, but he also won't make the curtain call."

"Speaking of which…" Remus said pointedly, and the three boys headed back up to the school. They arrived in the great hall at a quarter till 8:00 and hurried to the front to get into costume. A stage had been transfigured at one end and as they rushed backstage to get dressed, the torches were blown out so that the only light came from the stars above.

"So, who do you think Romeo'll be?" Sirius whispered.

"Honestly? I have no idea." Remus whispered back.

They got in position and watched the curtain rise…

Chapter 4: The Play

(A/N: You guys, this chapter really requires a brief intro to Shakespeare/ Romeo and Juliet for those of you who haven't read the play. For those of you who have, thanks so much for bearing with me - you can scroll down to the beginning of the chapter - not in italics. ~Anne)

Key: The regular story is written in Times New Roman, like this, but all Shakespearean excerpts are written in Book Antiqua, like this. Hope that clarifies it!

The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet

For those of you unfamiliar with Shakespeare's classic tale, "Romeo and Juliet", fear not! Though it is a complex, yet simple and beautifully elegant play which I highly recommend you all read, for the purposes of this fic, here is a, ummm… "brief" summary of everything you need to know:

The story unfolds in the Italian city of Verona in the 1500s. Verona is ruled by Prince Escalus, but it is also home to two noble families: The Capulets and the Montagues. These two families are always at each other's throats- essentially they can't stand each other. It was not uncommon in that era for people to kill their enemies in street duels with swords, so the war between the Capulets and Montagues is indeed very real and serious.

Prince Escalus issues a warning to both sides at the beginning of the play saying that if there are any other brawls in Verona because of them, the culprits will be punished by death. The Capulets have only one daughter- Juliet, and one son- Romeo. Convenient, isn't it?

The two meet at a mask ball (costume party) which is being held at the Capulets' house and which Romeo's best-friend Mercutio brings him to in the hopes that he will forget a woman he has a crush on. Naturally, Romeo and Juliet fall in love (as star-crossed lovers will do) and arrange to be married secretly, for fear of their families' reactions.

Unfortunately, Juliet's father has different plans. He has arranged for Juliet to marry a man named Paris, who is a bit older than she, but nonetheless, a decent guy. Romeo finds a kind Friar (priest) who performs the ceremony (unbeknownst to anyone but themselves) and the two are wed.

On the wedding day however, things go drastically wrong. Juliet's quick-tempered cousin, Tybalt, picks a fight with Romeo when he sees him in the street (among the on-lookers are Benvolio [Romeo's own cousin], Mercutio, and other Montagues and Capulets). Romeo, being in a good mood, lets it go and is prepared to go on his way, but Tybalt won't let it go so Mercutio rises to the bait and they fight. Mercutio is mortally wounded and dies. L

Romeo feels he must avenge his friend and then duels with Tybalt, killing him. This is a direct violation of the Prince's proclamation, so Romeo must flee Verona. He goes to the Friar for help, who tells him to flee to Mantua (another city) and promises to reunite Romeo and Juliet.

Juliet herself is having some problems; Tybalt's death has delayed her wedding to Paris, but only for so long. She goes to the Friar for help and he gives her a vial (bottle) of potion, which will give the appearance of being dead. They plan to fake her death, then the Friar will send word to Romeo and he will come, rescue her from the Capulet's tomb, and the two will live happily ever after!

But alas, it was not to be. The letter the Friar sent never reaches Romeo, but unfortunately word of Juliet's "death" does. He goes back to Verona, stricken with grief, goes to the tomb, (kills Paris on his way in), finds her lying there, as if dead and takes poison that he has purchased from an apothecary (erm, pharmacist? Well, kind of…). A few minutes later, Juliet wakes up and finds the now-lifeless body of Romeo lying with her and basically freaks out. She draws his dagger from its sheath, kisses him one last time, and stabs herself.

They are found like that, dead in each other's arms, and this does the impossible and mends the feud between their two families. There you go- I left tons of stuff out, but I figured you'd like to read the story sometime this year (which is rapidly dwindling) so here it is!

Earlier that evening…

"Where is he? Where is he?" The normally unflappable Minerva McGonagall was wringing her hands in distress.

It was opening night of the first play she'd ever directed, and here she was without a leading man- without even a back up leading man! It had been quite bad enough when James Potter had landed himself in the hospital wing and she'd had to get Severus Snape to replace him, but now Severus himself was nowhere to be found and curtain call was in forty-five minutes and counting! Backstage was chaotic: people in costume rushing here and there. Lily Evans was perched on the makeshift balcony practicing her lines: "Romeo, Romeo, where foreart thou, Romeo?"

"By God, I wish I knew." Minerva said under her breath.

The obvious choice for replacement number two was Sirius Black, but he seemed to be mysteriously gone as well, and if she made him Romeo then she would have to find a replacement Mercutio… no, that just wouldn't do. She'd have to use someone with a more minor role…

At Curtain Call…(Pretty much where chap. 3 left off)

As Sirius and Remus got ready in the wings for their coming entrances the curtain rose on the sole occupant of the stage. Frank Longbottom, a fellow Gryffindor though a year younger, was playing the role of the chorus (narrator) and as a light shone upon him a hush spread over the buzzing Great Hall.

Frank paused for a second, but then plunged ahead, speaking loudly and clearly, his words echoing throughout the cavernous room.

"Two households, both alike in dignity

(In fair Verona, where we lay our scene),

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,

Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes

A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life;

Whose misadventured piteous overthrows

Doth with their death bury their parents' strife.

The fearful passage of their death-marked love,

And the continuance of their parents' rage

Which, but their children's end, naught could remove,

Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;

The which, if you with patient ears attend,

What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend."

As he finished this brief speech, Frank backed quietly into the shadows as new figures moved forward to take the stage.

Robert Bones, a Ravenclaw, and Thomas Abbott, a Hufflepuff, seemed to be having an engaging conversation, and in so doing, they engaged the audience as well. They appeared to be servants of the house of Capulet, discussing that hated of all families: the Montagues.

Soon more characters arrived on the scene, including young George Midgeon (Abram- a Montague servant), a fourth year Hufflepuff, who managed his two lines: "Do you bite your thumb at me sir?" and "Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?" without a hitch, though he did seem to have a particularly bad case of nerves. These remarks provoked Robert (Gregory) and Thomas (Sampson) to draw their swords, and "Abram" did the same.

Soon Remus appeared as Benvolio, to quench the flared tempers, and attempted to prevent what could be a disastrous duel. Unfortunately as he spoke the calming words of peace, "Part fools!" (Fools?) "Put up your swords. You know not what you do." the firey Tybalt, cousin to the Capulets, arrived on the scene.

Justin Avery (Tybalt) jumped up behind Remus brandishing a sword and said:

"What, drawn and talk of peace? I hate the word as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee! Have at thee coward!" And thus the two began to duel. However, their afternoon fight was interrupted by a crowd of citizens, (first and second years from all houses) who demanded that they stop.

The play continued in this tumultuous manner including cameos by Ladies and Sirs Capulet and Montague (an assortment of Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus' fellow prefects) and Prince Escalus, (Jason McDoozle, a rather pompous Ravenclaw).

Then as Benvolio was walking the streets of Verona after the duel he came upon his cousin.

"What sadness lengthens Romeo's heart?" Remus called out to the absolute last person he expected to see before him on stage. Valiantly trying to ignore the gasps and snickers of the crowd, Peter turned towards Remus and answered clearly, if a bit stiffly, "Not having that, which having, makes them short."

"In love?"

"Out-"

"Of love?"

"Out of-" he paused, "Out of her favor where I am in love."

They continued to converse, and Peter, to his credit, forgot very few lines, considering how little notice he'd had. The whole thing went quite smoothly until the mask ball, where Juliet was to meet her Romeo.

Lily looked stunning in her Renaissance style muggle costume- the perfect Juliet. During the ball scene "Juliet" danced with many a suitor, and though she didn't know it, she was being watched. Romeo, standing tall at the edge of the room, had spotted her and when she left the dance floor. She headed out of the melee, to have a rest and as she passed he caught her hand in his.

"If I profane with my unworthiest hand

This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:

My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand

To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss."

Now up close, Lily could see that Romeo was actually a good four or five inches taller than she; considerably taller than Peter, but yet not so tall as James. She also thought she recognized that voice.

Indeed, people in the audience seemed to have noticed the change, too, because an outbreak of murmurs crossed the Great Hall like wildfire. However, Lily tuned them out and forced herself to say:

"Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,

Which mannerly devotion shows in this;

For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,

And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss."

"Have not saints lips, and holy palmers, too?"

"Ay, pilgrim, lips they must use in prayer."

"Then move not while my prayer's effect I take."

He leaned in close and removing his mask, kissed her. As he leaned, there was an audible :squelch:.

Romeo was Severus Snape.

Lily had an automatic gag reflex, and from either side of the stage she saw Sirius and Remus both make furious moves towards them. However, the damage was done now, so she signaled them to stay where they were.

Snape, oblivious to all this, continued speaking:

"Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged."

"Then have my lips the sin that they have took." Lily reluctantly pointed out, knowing where this was going. Sure enough:

"Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again." And he kissed her again.

Lily thought that this time she would surely throw up all over his already soaking figure- what on earth had Sirius, Remus, and Peter done to him? And where was Peter?

However, like a good actress, she kept it together and the play proceeded smoothly…until the balcony scene…

Mercutio, Benvolio, and Romeo left the mask ball, but Romeo broke away from the group and headed back toward the Capulet estate to visit his ladylove. He stood beneath her balcony and waited until she walked out above him.

"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Juliet is the sun…"

While above him, Juliet began to speak as well.

" O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse my thy name,

Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

And I'll no longer be a Capulet."

From below came a voice:

"I take thee at thy word. Call me but love and I'll be new baptized. Henceforth I never will be Romeo."

Up on the balcony, Juliet started.

"What man art thou that, thus bescreened in night, so stumblest on my counsel?"

" By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am ." He said, beginning to climb up the balcony. However, when he was about four feet up, someone came running into the garden- someone a bit short and with a slightly squeaky voice who called out, in a fashion that made the audience roll in the aisles, "Juliet! Sorry I'm late!"

Juliet herself was clutching the edge of the balcony and laughing so hard she was shaking. Snape (Romeo number one) was muttering obscenities under his breath, and backstage Professor McGonagall was dying a thousand deaths as Remus and Sirius promptly fell all over each other in hysterics. Even the bushes in the garden seemed to be laughing.

While Snape was distracted from his climb by the arrival of his, erm, counterpart, a hand reached up, out of the bushes in fact, and giving a swift tug, pulled him off the wall all together. He landed with a thump. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, before the audience even had a chance to react he had been replaced by a third Romeo- who picked up right where he'd left off.

"My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself because it is an enemy to thee. Had I it written, I would tear the word."

He swung one leg over the edge of the balcony, and then the other.

The real Romeo was back.

Apparently James Potter was injured no longer.

For a moment Lily just gaped at him, and he flashed her a grin and whispered, "Sorry I'm late Juliet." And then louder, "O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?"

"Probably. You'd deserve it. I was looking forward to watching Snape die. But I'm certainly glad you're here." Lily hissed under her breath while James pretended to look wounded, and then proclaimed to the now mesmerized crowd:

"What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?"

"Th' exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine."

"I gave thee mine before thou didst request it, and yet, I would it were to give again."

The play did continue smoothly from that point until the end. Mercutio had a lovely death scene, which Sirius managed to drag out longer than humanly possible and James seemed to really enjoy stabbing Justin Avery (Tybalt). Then of course he had to flee to Mantua, and the Friar (Morris Fletchly) gave Juliet that fateful potion.

The scene in the tomb was truly moving; teachers and students alike could be heard saying. There had been true passion when Juliet kissed Romeo and then impaled herself on his sword- true love. Of course there was a touching lamentation over the graves of the two young lovers, in which Prince Escalus rebuked their families and their fate. Then came the curtain call.

First came all the first and second years, who gave the three various Romeos very curious looks, and went out to bow. There was smattered applause throughout the Great Hall and then they rushed backstage and out went The Capulets and the Montagues and their servants.

Next came Benvolio, Mercutio, and Tybalt. While Remus bowed graciously once and stepped back, and Justin stiffly ducked his head, Sirius was eating up the attention- it was rather like a bad replay of his death scene.

Finally it was time for Juliet and her Romeo- er, Romeos. They strode out onto stage, Lily still in an elegant ball-gown, James in his costume which involved a waistcoat and tights (need I say more) Peter in plain old robes, and Snape in his still sopping wet ones, and the crowd went wild. From behind them Sirius whistled as James yanked Lily's arm in the air, in typical Quidditch captain fashion. James, Snape, and Peter all bowed, as Lily made a low curtsy. The cheers echoed through the Great Hall, making Lily's ears ring and her face turn a flushing pink.

It hadn't been so bad after all…

A/N: Hmmm… What did you think? Totally strange and off the wall? What was she thinking? Pulitzer Prize material? (Yeah right!) Whatever you thought, do let me know in a review! And thanks to everyone who reviewed previous chapters!