THE WELCOMING

A play by Diane Pasco.

Cast:

Gladys

Peter

Mabel

John

Joan

Don the Carpenter

Trish the youth pastor

The play is set in the foyer of a church building. There is a small table with hymn books on it, and a vase of flowers, and a hat and umbrella stand beside the door.

(Enter Gladys, carrying a plate of scones and an umbrella)

Gladys: Drat the weather! All this rain, and we’ve just had the carpets shampooed! I know, I’ll get some protection down (drags over a door mat) I know what a mess some people can make, especially that John Bryce…What a SLOB! I’d hate to visit his house…(singing as she fiddles with hymn books) All things bright and beau..Eeugh! If I’ve told Mabel once, I’ve told her a thousand times. There’s a particular way to polish, and she still hasn’t caught on. Why can’t people be told! I know, I’ll just go and put the zip on, so we can have a nice cuppa beforehand. I hope Joan’s remembered to bring her scones. Not that they’re as good as mine, still, we must encourage her.

(Gladys exits to kitchen) (Enter Mabel and Joan. Mabel carries an umbrella, and Joan a plate of scones)

Mabel: (Laying down umbrella) I see Gladys is here already, organised as usual. I’d expect she’s getting the zip on.

Joan: Yes, I see she’s put some protection down for the carpet. That’s a good idea. It saves poor old Tom from doing the cleaning. He manages so well with his arthritis, and it makes him feel useful to be doing something.

Mabel: I agree. Joan, your flowers are beautiful! What gorgeous colours!

Joan: Well, the sun has shone well this year on the garden. And I do so like to do the flowers…makes me feel useful too, I suppose. Look, I’ll just pop these scones through to the kitchen and see what’s keeping Gladys. I won’t be long.

(Joan exits to kitchen) (Enter John with a nasty cold, wiping his nose with a handkerchief)

John: Morning Mabel!

Mabel: Hello John!

John: I’ve just come from visiting Vera. She had a bad fall and hurt her wrist, so she won’t be able to play the organ for us this morning.

Mabel: Oh dear! It’s a good thing it’s only a midweek service, and not a Sunday, otherwise we’d be really stuck! We’ll have to ask Jack if he can play on Sunday, and today we’ll just make do with the voices the good Lord gave us.

John: Good idea! Ello Peter!

(Enter Peter, looking dishevelled) (During his speech, Gl;adys and Joan re-appear pushing a tea trolley, with cups and plates and scones)

Peter: Boy have I had a morning, John! The alarm didn’t go off, the cat’s gone missing, and I had a leak in the car!

Gladys: (To Joan) That sounds about right for Peter. Disorganised as usual. I bet he’s wearing an unwashed shirt, well, I won’t be sitting next to HIM!

Peter: What’s that Glad, making one of your profound statements?

Gladys: Hymph! (Flounces off to the hymnbook and flower table) Joan! It’s a pity your taste in flowers isn’t more refined! (Joan protests in vain as Gladys pulls out 2-3 flowers) There, that’s much better! My art teacher always said I had excellent colour choice.

Mabel: Oh, leave it Joan, come and have a cup of tea.

John: Ooh goody, scones!

(All but Gladys gather round the teapot)

Gladys: (Descends on them with the plates) Here! Use these, we musn’t make a mess, the carpet’s just been shampooed you know!

Peter: It’s only a few crumbs, and I don’t mind doing the vacuuming.

Gladys: A few crumbs to you maybe, but this is the Lord’s house, and we must be respectful.

Peter: What’s this you’re saying? That God will punish us for making a mess? I suppose Jesus never spilt any food when he was around all those years ago. Really Gladys, your conception of this church is quite immaculate!

Gladys: Really! Your blasphemous tongue will get you into trouble one of these days!

(She goes back to the flowers)

John: Has anyone heard anything about the new youth pastor?

Joan: I heard they’d taken a real gamble with this one, Mike was telling me.

Mabel: What do you mean by a gamble?

Joan: (Gossipping) Welll…Apparrently…..

Gladys: What’s this you’re talkng about?

Joan: The new youth pastor, Gladys.

Gladys: What about him. They haven’t chosen him yet have they?

Peter: Who says it’s a him, could be a her for all we know.

Gladys: Don’t be ridiculous! It’s a man’s job. Only men have the ability to handle youth, we all know that!

Mabel: Oh, I thought a woman could handle it just as well…

(Gladys scowls at her)

Gladys: Anyway, when was the meeting to appoint this new person? I wasn’t aware it had been held.

Peter: It was while you were overseas, Gladys. You know, the church does still function when you’re not here.

Gladys: Well, Sydney would have been there, and he thinks like I do. No, I’m quite sure the person they’ve chosen is a model of respectability, someone who can maintain the tone of the place without being over the top. Someone who understands the class of person who attends here.

Joan: Well, actually Gladys, I heard quite the opposite. It seems the church wants to take on in a new direction, and reach out to the poor and needy in our community. I heard the selection was based on that.

Gladys: Don’t be silly dear! We can’t be having riff-raff in our nice church! We don’t want the needy in here spoiling our image, and our décor. No no, that’s what the church down the road is for. We can support these types outside our church! I’m quite sure Sydney would have steered the committee accordingly.

John: Well, I dare say time will tell. Come on let’s go in and start the service. By the way Gladys, Vera isn’t here, so we’ll have to use our own voices this morning.

Gladys: That’s fine, you can follow my lead.

Peter: With your voice Gladys, we won’t have any choice!

(They begin to move towards Stage Left)

(Enter Don from Stage Right)

Don: Hello! I’m looking for the key to the new office! I was told Vera would have it.

(Others turn and start back)

John: Vera’s not here today. Maybe we could help you?

Mabel: What do you want the key for?

Don: Oh, I just want to take some measurements with a view to-

Gladys: (Pushing through the rest of the cast) Oh, your HIM aren’t you? Oh I knew Sydney wouldn’t let us down? What did you say your name was? I’m Gladys, and this is Mabel, Joan, John… oh and Peter.

Don: I’m Don, and you’ll be seeing quite a bit of me from now on. It’s only a small job, but the money will come in handy.

Peter: I hope your not just here for the money!

Don: No, I hope to do a good job, make the office respectable

John: I hope so! What about the rest of the job, not just the office? It’s God’s work your doing!

Don: (confused) Well, I’d never really thought of it like that, but I suppose you’re right. I have a job description here from the committee, I shall follow it to the letter.

Gladys: Wonderful, I knew Sydney wouldn’t let us down!

Joan; But what about your personal flair? You can’t just do what’s written on a bit of paper! You have to use your imagination and style!

Don: Yes, of course I’ll use a bit of style here and there, and the job description allows for that.

John: I should jolly well hope so!

Gladys: Oh, I know you’re going to be perfect for the job! Do come and have a cup of tea and a scone!

(Joan pours tea and gives him three scones) (Nobody notices that a dripping wet young girl in a raincoat and muddy boots, with a guitar case on her back has just entered)

Trish: Hello, I’m here to see Bob!

(Everyone turns and looks her up and down)

Gladys: Oh, you must mean REVEREND Dumble. He’s not here today.(To others) By the looks of her, I suspect she needs counselling for drugs or somesuch.

John: The foodbank is down the road if that’s what your after.

Trish: Right. You must be the group that meets for the midweek service. I was hoping I could join you.

Peter: Of course, you’re very welcome.

Gladys: Peter, be quiet! Look, whoever you are. You can’t come into this church with that demon thing strapped on your back, and take your boots off, the carpet’s just been shampooed you know!

Trish: Oh, sorry! Look, I was wondering if I could play my guitar during praise time.

Peter: Yes, we haven’t got an organist today!

Gladys: Shut up Peter! We can’t be doing with that modern praise thing in. We don’t want instruments from the devil in this church. We sing beautiful worshipful hymns to our God here.

Trish; What? But even the Psalms say to worship the Lord on stringed instruments.

Mabel: Oh, We don’t have time for the psalms here. We pray to the lord.

Joan: Yes, we need peace and quiet for our prayers.

John: And what would a person like you know about the bible anyway?

Trish: Quite a bit actually. I’m sorry, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Trish Thompson, the new youth pastor.

All: WHAT!

Peter: Well, it’s good to meet you, you’ll liven the place up no doubt, and heaven only knows, it needs it!

Gladys: (recovering, turns to Don beside her) Well, who are you then?

Don: I’m the carpenter, hired to renovate the office for the new youth pastor.

Gladys: (snatching away tea and scones from him) Well why didn’t you say so! You shouldn’t be drinking cups of tea. I suggest you get on with the work, that’s what we’re paying you for! (distraught) Oh, I must go and phone Sydney, whatever was he thinking!

(Gladys exits to kitchen)

John: Well, I don’t know what this place is coming to. Come on you lot, let’s go and pray.

(John, Mabel and joan exit stage left)

Peter: (shakes Trish’s hand) Pleased to meet you!

(Peter exits stage left also)

Don: You must be miserable, here, let me take that wet coat for you! Why don’t you come and have a cup of tea to warm up. They make nice scones here! (pours her a cup)

Trish: Thank you!

Don: What a strange lot. One minute they’re all over you and the next they don’t want to know you. I’m not a church person myself, and after this little episode, I don’t think I’d ever be.

Trish: Yes, it’s most unfortunate. Bob said I’d have my work cut out for me, and it’s going to be quite a challenge. Don’t judge all of us by that lot though. Most of us are pretty decent. Come on, let’s go and inspect my new office!

(They exit stage right)