Me

Okay, so this is the part where I tell you about myself, right?

Well, I'm 17 for one, and I'll be turning 18 in about three months.

One bright shiny day way back almost 18 years ago, my Dad drove like a maniac down a lil' back highway in Georgia to get my mom to the hospital before she had me in the back of his beloved Plymouth.

Hence I was born and it all slowly downhill from there.

Um, basically, I grew up like any other boy of the time. (the 80's *shiver*) GI-Joe and playing war and football with my bro. I played little league and hated girls and dresses.
This utterly and completely upset my parents who wanted me to be sweet and playful and pink and all the other girly little things I wasn't into...Oh...*slaps forehead* Forgot to tell you, I'm a transsexual...yeah, as much as I dislike that term, I'm becoming a man...personally, I like transguy, or trannyboy, or trannyfag is good too...

Anyway, I wasn't any of that, and they tried to make me that, and it just didn't work...so my childhood was spent fairly happily cause whatever gender boundaries there were, I could cross them anytime I liked and it anyone said anything about it, I just beat them up...hehe.

My parents split when I was 6...woohoo! I lived with my mom and visited with my alcoholic father about once a week.
School was fun until like 5th grade when everything started to 'happen.' And then 6th and 7th weren't fun at all cause no one cared for the really butch girl who could still kick everyone's ass and didn't shave....Harrassment insued.

8th Grade: Where Earth stops and Hell begins...
Two things happened around this time...
A) My dad goes benging, manages to get a serious ulcer, passes out incidently falling over a coffee table and bruising his spinal-cord.
B) I figured out why exactly I felt like a freak. Always, there was this nagging feeling that I was different. I mean, there were other tomboys, but none were quite like me. Got labeled 'dyke' quite alot Got ahold of the name 'female to male trans* person' which meant someone who identified as a man, but had a female body...
*switches on light* God that fit so well. It like, encompassed everything I'd felt since I was a kid. I really was a guy, my body just didn't match up...how fucking simple was that...

Life went into somewhat of a tail-spin...

I would like to clarify, these events coincided in that order...A, B. Actually, A happened at the end of my 7th grade year, but close enough. BUT they have NOTHING to do with each other.

Pretty much the shit hit the fan. In the months following this, I basically disowned my father for various reasons, none of which had anything to do with my trans issues. Let's not get into those reasons, other than to say that my father was a person who could have done great things, but never did. He lied, he cheated, played mind games and was a general asshole about lots and lots of things, and I love him. And forgive him for everything he did, because he was a man who loved my brother and I, but was incapable of showing it, and could only put forth the rage and anger that he poisoned his soul...

My trans issues plagued me now, and I turned to the internet as it proved to be a resource and my only link to people who were like me. I spent three months reading and logging and printing off everything that was trans* before actually telling my mom.

"My Coming Out Story"
I wrote her this letter explaining I was transgendered and what exactly that meant.
She read it, read it again, I think read it a third time and said, "I'll love you whether you're gay or not.." *blink* "But Mom, I'm not gay."
After some explaining, we got things 'straightened' out and she told me she didn't understand it, didn't want me to do it, but that she loved me no matter what.
8th and 9th grade years saw me carefully hiding the fact that I was gender-fucky and the fact that girls were seeming more and more appealing from my peers. It was a time basically spent depressed and refining my masochistic tendancies. I lived in a small town, there weren't any options. I was 15, didn't know any other queer people and didn't know how to explain to my mother that I was quickly approaching an edge..

Note to parents: When your kid tells you they wanna have a 'sex change', get em' a counselor...they need someone to listen to em'...just about anyone...

So anyway, I was cutting on a pretty regular basis. It was my method of coping with shit. Get pissed, slice my arm open, get depressed, cut my leg up... It was taking the bad stuff on the inside and bleeding it out, letting the pain tell me I was still alive. I hit bottom the night I found myself sitting on my bed with a blade poised over my wrist...
Ehhh...enough of that, old shit. If you really wanna know about those months, e-mail me...

Eventually, I worked my way out of all that and ended my 9th grade year unable to comprehend how I would manage another year. The chance never came for me to find out. I interviewed and was accepted to a magnet school an hour away from me. When school rolled around again, I walked into my new school's doors as 'Marc'. My first day as a man, or rather boy...my first day full-time.

I had no trouble passing cause hell, I'd passed all my life and for two weeks, no one knew I was female. My geometry teacher saw end to that, refusing to call me by 'Marc' and instead calling my legal name (incidently, I'd never been called that in my life.) So one day, this big guy I'd met stood up one day and said, "Marc, tell them you ain't a girl." "Sorry man, uhm, I can't do that," I looked at everyone, "I'm a girl, and I live my life as a guy." I smiled waiting for the queer bashing to ensue...it never did. Instead, they thought it was kinda cool, a little weird and nothing out of the norm. for their school..
Things have been great since...

As far as sexuality, I've kinda bounced around a little. I started this whole thing being straight...then eased my way into being bi just so I didn't limit myself in anything really. I was still thoroughly engaged in the pursuit of the female persuassion. As my life continued so did my bounce along the spectrum and my bisexuality shifted to the puruit of the male persuassion...Now though, I think I'm gay...I guess I'm still tentatively hanging onto my bi status, I'm still not sure. But hey, I'll figure it out eventually, I always do...cat always lands on his feet.

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