It was Elroy's first day in second grade.
When he came home his mama asks him how school was...
"How was school my boy?"
"It was nice mama - the teacher asked me to draw a cat and when I did
she give me a gold star - is it because I am Black?"
"No Elroy - its because you are so clever"
Next day Elroy comes home and mama asks him how school was...
"How was school Elroy?"
"The teacher asked me to draw a dog - and when I did she gave me a gold
star - Is it because I am black?"
"No Elroy - it is because you are so clever"
Third day - Elroy comes home from school
"How was school Elroy?"
"Mama - I am confused, today we were changing for sports. All the white
boys have these little pee pees and I have this huge schlong - is it
because I am black?
"No Elroy - it is because you are twenty-one"

TOP

Is this your car?

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One day Jesus was walking by the pearly
gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes.
Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He
walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.
"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus.
"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man.
"And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus.
"I hope to find my son" said the man
"Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find
him?"
"I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," states the
old man.
Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says,
"Father???"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

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Why Condoms Come In Boxes Of 3, 6, and 12.

A man walks into a drug store with his 13 year old son. They
happen to walk by the condom display, the boy asks, "What are
these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are
called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see,"
replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and
asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The Dad replies, "Those
are for high school boys. ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and
ONE for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are
these for?"
"Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday,
TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking
up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.ONE for
January, ONE for February, ONE for March........"

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A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders
a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal.
I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right, " the guy says, "I don't have any money,
but if I show you something you haven't seen before
will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a
hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar, it runs to
the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across
the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts
playing Gerswhin.

"You're right I haven't heard anything like that before,"
says the bartender. "The hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for
another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?"
asks the bartender. "Watch this," replies the guy.
Again, he reaches into his coat and pulls out a frog.
He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog
starts to sing. The frog has a marvelous voice
and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar
runs over to the guy and offers him $300
for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy.
He takes the three hundred and gives the
stranger the frog. The stranger runs out
of the bar.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You
sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been
worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so," says the guy.
"The hamster is a ventriloquist."

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A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad's hair is being cut, eating a snack
cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
Twinkie." She replies, "Yes, I know. I'm gonna get boobs too!"

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A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while
another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies
tee. The ladies are taking their time and when
finally the last one is ready to hit the ball, she
hacks it about 10 feet, walks over to it and hacks it
another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men, who are watching, and
says apologetically: "I guess all those fucking
lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "Now, you
see, THAT'S your problem. You should have taken golf
lessons instead."

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being
served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed
to put everyone into a good mood as he served them
food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the
passengers "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
lovely people, so if you could just put UP your trays
that would be SUPER."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a
well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved
a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your traizy-poo so
the main man can putty-put us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my
country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no
one." Without missing a beat, the flight attendant
replied: "Well, sweet-cheeks, in MY country, I'm
called a Queen, so I out-rank you. Put the tray up,
Bitch."

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Typical macho man, married the typical good-looking
lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home WHEN I want, IF I want, and at what
TIME I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell
you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing,and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and
don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me."
"Just understand MY ONE Rule, there'll be sex here at
seven o'clock every night-whether you're here or not."

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Ever notice how a four-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult
voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit,
with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about
2:00 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey,
apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest
bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was OK to
sleep with Mom when the storm was bad but, when I was expected home,
please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip

several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up at the airport at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into
the terminal to wait for the plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other
folks awaiting their passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my
son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" Alex immediately shouted, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" The airport became very
quiet. Everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and
then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly
who his Mom was.

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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone else there in your house?" The boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed hushed voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied, along with a muffled giggle: "Me."

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Idiot # 1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.

Idiot # 2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.

Idiot # 3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this is a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Idiot # 4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!

Idiot # 5
A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber Said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot # 6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot # 7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot # 8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

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Heart Attacks

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British, Americans or Australians.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British, Americans or Australians.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also fewer heart
attacks than the British, Americans or Australians.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.

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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks that maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

Her husband wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did last night, but, by God, we got first and second place!!!.

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."