Beware! Indeed, readers beware, for a new blasphemy rises in our midst. I speak, undoubtedly, of the growing popularity of the odious article of clothing known as the Capri Pant. Oft-disguised under the pseudonyms “Clam Diggers” or “Three-Quarter Pants,” (which is blatant lie—they only cover half of the leg), no name can mask the sordid nature of these vile creations which are appearing in startling frequency among the teenage population of Franklin, if not all of America. This disturbing trend seems to have no base in logic or in agreement with any other social mandate passed upon themselves by the teenagers. A menace indeed, the proliferation of this wretched attire grows like a plague.
What exactly is a Capri Pant? Aside from the most repugnant garment known to man, it is a typically female breed of lower-body apparel which wraps itself around the waist, fastening much in the fashion of pants, and extends down the leg, again in slyly pant-like manner. But be wary! oh innocent readers, be very wary, for this hideous imposter is no true pair of pants, as one will find by tracing its insidious path down the leg. It clings form-fittingly to the thigh and wraps deceptively decorously about the knee. But oh! should one attempt to follow any farther, he shall be astonished to discover that it comes to an abrupt halt immediately following the knee! What trickery is this? With the top half resembling a pair of pants and the bottom half resembling a pair of shorts, this chimera of the clothing world has pulled its fabric over our eyes!
Contempt for these repulsive items, dear readers (and if you are truly dear then you will have recognized it already, but for those who have not, I shall elucidate), stems from the confusion, the falsity, the utter lie of their existence, and the taunting obstruction of a clear evaluation of the wearer’s charms by an observing male. For the purpose of demonstration, let me suppose that an attractive female (wearing a pair of these ignoble materials) crosses my line of vision, and that I desire to inspect more closely this female. When (at long last) my inspection has descended to waist level, I am met with a seemingly simple choice: if the subject is wearing shorts, I will assess the fineness of the legs, involving skin tone, smoothness, shapeliness, and other distinguished criteria; should she be wearing pants (and if that were a question rather than a conditional statement, the answer would be an emphatic “NO!”), then the inspection shall progress with an assessment of the figure, involving curves and the like. Now, ordinarily this presents no problem and is often quite an enjoyable practice, but lo and behold! the difficulties that Capri Pants will impose on the process. Poor I shall see the initial sign of “pants” and shall proceed accordingly, only to realize momentarily that the pants are no more, that leg is exposed and able to be surveyed, by which time it is far too late to begin inspection anew. This charade infuriates me.
This loathsome dilemma is the fault of the Capri Pant and its treacherous nature. An abhorrent manifestation of feminine deception, this ignominious article of clothing must not be allowed to persevere any longer. I urge each intelligent reader to do his part and join the fight against this deceitful line of clothing. Be proud to rally behind my ambiguous battle cry:
“Down with Capri Pants!”
