It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear
family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs,
sits in his small chair at the table, and
looks into his small bowl. It's empty. "Who's been
eating my porridge!?!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at
the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been
eating my Porridge?" he roared. Momma Bear puts her head
through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells:
"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go
through this?"
"It was Momma Bear, who got up first,"
"It was Momma Bear, who woke up everyone in the house."
"It was Momma Bear who made the coffee,"
"It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last
night, and put everything away."
"It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early
morning air to fetch
the newspaper."
"It was Momma Bear who set the table"
"It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the
litter box, and
filled the cat's water and food dish."
"And, now that you've decided to drag your lazy tails
downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence...Listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more
time....... "I ain't made the damned porridge yet!!"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its' throat is very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
We decided to go horseback riding. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle.She asked what the difference was. He told her one had a horn and one didn't. She replied,"The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with
all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to
humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person
on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to
take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual
is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
savings time.
14. "The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average
drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person.
17. Never drink downstream from your horse!
18. Your friends love you anyway.
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. *** POOF*** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak.He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered."My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.