Washington Speaks
Political Mentality
"I think that the free enterprise system is absolutely too important to be left to the voluntary action of the marketplace."
Rep. Richard Kelly
"If we don't watch our respective tails, the people are going to be running the government."
Rep Bill Craven, California
"Democrcy used to be a good thing, but it has gotten into the wrong hands."
Sen. Jesse Helms
Now for the best one.
"I don't see why the legislature should be in the business of artificial intelligence, real intelligance or any intelligence at all."
Rep. Hunt Downer (D. La.)
Engineers
Comprehending Engineers Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
* Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
*Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
*Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
*Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
*Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
*Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
*Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer .I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog......that's cool."
MYTH-CONCEPTIONS
"Common knowledge" is frequently wrong. Here are
some examples of things that many people believe...
but according to our sources just aren't true.
Myth: Crickets chirp by rubbing their legs together.
Fact: They rub their wings.
Myth: In the Old West, pioneers circled their wagons to protect against Indian raids.
Fact: When they did circle the wagons, it was to keep livestock in.
Myth: Mosquitoes bite.
Fact: They can't bite, they have no teeth. They punch a needlelike
proboscis into the skin of their victim.
Myth: Lightning comes out of the sky and strikes the ground.
Fact: Scientists now believe that the lightning bolt we see is actual-ly moving from the ground up to the sky.
Myth: You can only eat oysters in months that have an "r" in their name.
Fact: Before refrigeration, oysters (and other foods) were more likely to spoil in May, June, July, and August. It is no longer the case.
Myth: The lion is the king of the jungle.
Fact: The lion doesn't live in the jungle; it lives on the plains, where it can run and chase its prey.
Myth: Stepping on a rusty nail will give you tetanus.
Fact: The bacteria that causes tetanus, or "lockjaw," can enter the body through any cut, including a puncture from a nail. It has nothing- to do with rust.
Eat one lump of sugar, and you've eaten the equivalent of 3 feet of sugar cane.
MARRIAGE IS AMAZING:
"Marriage is the best magician there is. In front of your eyes it can change an exciting cute little dish into a very bored dishwasher!!"
"Whatever you may look like marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so does his eyesight".
Arkansas Gazette Archives
Thursday July 25th. 1996
Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33 of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip.
On the overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on the bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might have been dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
MEN
This will help you understand why MEN are always so cheerful...
Damn, it's good to be a man
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park .
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades .
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24,
in 45 minutes.
