[Mike Fisher is our 15-year-old nephew, who lives in New Jersey. This is what he had to say about the following piece of writing, which he wrote with his friend Steve Gray: "This is a little series I've been working on called "The Adventures of Hugh Grant." It's basically a comedy(?) sketch in which I (and in the case of this first one, a friend of mine) think of a few celebrities for Hugh Grant to have a conversation with, then adding some things which I (we) think would be funny if they said or did. I don't know if you'd want to put this on your website, since its exceptionally weird. But judge for yourself."
What follows is, indeed, pretty wacky. But, as someone who had a piece of writing called "How To Date Chicks" published in the Philadelphia Inquirer when I was 15 years old, I think I know the part of Mike and Steve's brains from which this emerged fairly well.--RW]
This week on The Adventures of Hugh Grant, Hugh comes in contact with Half-Baked star, Jim Breuer, also to be joined later by a surprise special guest. And then to be joined by another not-so-special guest. Who could imagine what crazy things come spilling out of Hugh's mouth this week?
Written by Steve Gray and Mike Fisher
Hugh Grant: I am afraid, my good fellow, that this hoagie has gone sour!
Jim Breuer: That's what I said, but then someone let the zebra out and it was all downhill from there.
Hugh Grant: I am the repo man! ::takes Jim's hoagie:: Yoink!
Breuer: Hey, my Duck was in there!
Hugh Grant: Ah ha! So you admit it!
Breuer: Admit what?
Hugh Grant: That you have a sour duck!
Breuer: My duck is quite fresh, thank you!
Hugh Grant: Well of course you would say that!
Breuer: What's that supposed to mean?
Hugh Grant: That you are, in actuality, Aquaman!
Breuer: I am not Aquaman!
Hugh Grant: Well, of course, being Aquaman, you wouldn't actually say you were Aquaman. But I see it in your eyes!
Breuer: See what?
Hugh Grant: The fish I lost in my pocket calculator.
Breuer: So you did steal my fish!
Hugh Grant: What?! Deuteronomy is my fish! I got him at the shoppe!
Breuer: Deuter- what?! His name is billy, you bastard!
Hugh Grant: Must we resort to foul language?
Hugh Grant: Ick. Your breath smells like that of a hippopotumos inside a small yet firm goldfish's buttocks!
Breuer: You shall not submit my fish to your sexual adventures!
Hugh Grant: I shall do nothing of the sort! Deuteronomy will live happily inside the sole of my giant shoe!
Breuer: Is that some sort of sick analogy?
Hugh Grant: No, I have a giant shoe.
John Cleese: Hey, give me my shoe! ::yoink::
Breuer: So now you have no home for billy! For the good of the fish, I will call the center for child abuse!
Hugh Grant: Wouldn't that have to be a child!
Breuer: He is the love child of a circus midget and a rodeo clown!
Hugh Grant: That would explain the arms.
Breuer: Yes it would.
Hugh Grant: Wait a minute, he isn't a fish at all, he's...
Pinnochio: I'm a real boy!
Hugh Grant: Oh, just dandy!
Breuer: Dandy? What's that?
Hugh Grant: Why, that is my pet name for my - hey, none of your business!
Breuer: Well, you can keep the Zebra, but I'm leaving!
Hugh Grant: Well that's just Dandy!
Hugh Grant: Shut up.
John Cusack: Hi, people! I'm a movie star.
Hugh Grant: Oh, wonderful, now we’ve got little Johnny Cusack hanging ‘round. Well, I’m sorry, but I can simply no longer participate in this ridiculous madhouse of a conversation. I bid you all farewell.
(exit Hugh Grant)
Cleese: Why did you sell me a dead parrot?! ::runs over and beats Cusack with a spider::
Cusack: That doesn't even hurt, you ninny! You gotta use a bigger animal, like so! ::whacks Cleese in the head with dead parrot::
Cleese: Oww! Well, you, my dear boy, will pay for that little gesture of arrogance.
Cusack: You can't threaten me! I'm a movie star! I own you! I am Elitus!
Breuer: Wow, that was just strange.
Cusack: Hey, what th-? I thought you left!
Breuer: No, man I just said that so you wouldn't know that I was listening in on your conversation in the other room.
Cleese: But we're outdoors!
Breuer: Don't use those big words with me, you British jackass.
Cleese: That remark was uncalled-for, my good man. Now either you do your "Goatboy" voice or I will move that we engage in fisticuffs.
Cleese: Silence! Goatboy. Now!
Breuer: Alright, okay. ::takes drink of bourbon:: Baahhh.
Cleese: Good. You are now dismissed.
Breuer: Okay. Hey, Cusack, wanna go outside and have a smoke?
Cusack: We're already outside, you pothead!
Breuer: Dude, what's your point?
Cleese: That's it! I shall depart from this place. A fine good luck and good-bye to you both!
Cusack: Hey, can I get a ride, Breuer stole my car.
Breuer: Stole what? ::speeds away in Cusack's 1996 Mercedes coupe::
Cleese: Fine, hop in, but don't slam the door, that is ever so annoying.
(Please feel free to email to others who may be interested or to print a hard copy for them but remember: The Dichotomy of the Dog is copyright 2001 by Rich Wilhelm. If you plan on making a bazillion dollars from this piece of writing, please let me know so I can sue you or something.)