Issue # 56
September 9, 2001
The Adventures of Hugh Grant
By Steve Gray and Mike Fisher

[Mike Fisher is our 15-year-old nephew, who lives in New Jersey. This is what he had to say about the following piece of writing, which he wrote with his friend Steve Gray: "This is a little series I've been working on called "The Adventures of Hugh Grant." It's basically a comedy(?) sketch in which I (and in the case of this first one, a friend of mine) think of a few celebrities for Hugh Grant to have a conversation with, then adding some things which I (we) think would be funny if they said or did. I don't know if you'd want to put this on your website, since its exceptionally weird. But judge for yourself."

What follows is, indeed, pretty wacky. But, as someone who had a piece of writing called "How To Date Chicks" published in the Philadelphia Inquirer when I was 15 years old, I think I know the part of Mike and Steve's brains from which this emerged fairly well.--RW]

This week on The Adventures of Hugh Grant, Hugh comes in contact with Half-Baked star, Jim Breuer, also to be joined later by a surprise special guest. And then to be joined by another not-so-special guest. Who could imagine what crazy things come spilling out of Hugh's mouth this week?

Written by Steve Gray and Mike Fisher
Produced by Mike Fisher
Created by Steve Gray and Mike Fisher
Edited by Mike Fisher
Published by RBC Productions
©2000 RBC Productions

Hugh Grant: I am afraid, my good fellow, that this hoagie has gone sour!

Jim Breuer: That's what I said, but then someone let the zebra out and it was all downhill from there.

Hugh Grant: I am the repo man! ::takes Jim's hoagie:: Yoink!

Breuer: Hey, my Duck was in there!

Hugh Grant: Ah ha! So you admit it!

Breuer: Admit what?

Hugh Grant: That you have a sour duck!

Breuer: My duck is quite fresh, thank you!

Hugh Grant: Well of course you would say that!

Breuer: What's that supposed to mean?

Hugh Grant: That you are, in actuality, Aquaman!

Breuer: I am not Aquaman!

Hugh Grant: Well, of course, being Aquaman, you wouldn't actually say you were Aquaman. But I see it in your eyes!

Breuer: See what?

Hugh Grant: The fish I lost in my pocket calculator.

Breuer: So you did steal my fish!

Hugh Grant: What?! Deuteronomy is my fish! I got him at the shoppe!

Breuer: Deuter- what?! His name is billy, you bastard!

Hugh Grant: Must we resort to foul language?

Breuer: Huh?

Hugh Grant: Ick. Your breath smells like that of a hippopotumos inside a small yet firm goldfish's buttocks!

Breuer: You shall not submit my fish to your sexual adventures!

Hugh Grant: I shall do nothing of the sort! Deuteronomy will live happily inside the sole of my giant shoe!

Breuer: Is that some sort of sick analogy?

Hugh Grant: No, I have a giant shoe.

John Cleese: Hey, give me my shoe! ::yoink::

Breuer: So now you have no home for billy! For the good of the fish, I will call the center for child abuse!

Hugh Grant: Wouldn't that have to be a child!

Breuer: He is the love child of a circus midget and a rodeo clown!

Hugh Grant: That would explain the arms.

Breuer: Yes it would.

Hugh Grant: Wait a minute, he isn't a fish at all, he's...

Pinnochio: I'm a real boy!

Hugh Grant: Oh, just dandy!

Breuer: Dandy? What's that?

Hugh Grant: Why, that is my pet name for my - hey, none of your business!

Breuer: Well, you can keep the Zebra, but I'm leaving!

Hugh Grant: Well that's just Dandy!

Breuer: Wha-

Hugh Grant: Shut up.

John Cusack: Hi, people! I'm a movie star.

Hugh Grant: Oh, wonderful, now we’ve got little Johnny Cusack hanging ‘round. Well, I’m sorry, but I can simply no longer participate in this ridiculous madhouse of a conversation. I bid you all farewell.

(exit Hugh Grant)

Cleese: Why did you sell me a dead parrot?! ::runs over and beats Cusack with a spider::

Cusack: That doesn't even hurt, you ninny! You gotta use a bigger animal, like so! ::whacks Cleese in the head with dead parrot::

Cleese: Oww! Well, you, my dear boy, will pay for that little gesture of arrogance.

Cusack: You can't threaten me! I'm a movie star! I own you! I am Elitus!

Breuer: Wow, that was just strange.

Cusack: Hey, what th-? I thought you left!

Breuer: No, man I just said that so you wouldn't know that I was listening in on your conversation in the other room.

Cleese: But we're outdoors!

Breuer: Don't use those big words with me, you British jackass.

Cleese: That remark was uncalled-for, my good man. Now either you do your "Goatboy" voice or I will move that we engage in fisticuffs.

Breuer: Wha-?

Cleese: Silence! Goatboy. Now!

Breuer: Alright, okay. ::takes drink of bourbon:: Baahhh.

Cleese: Again!

Breuer: Baaaaahhhhhhhh!

Cleese: Good. You are now dismissed.

Breuer: Okay. Hey, Cusack, wanna go outside and have a smoke?

Cusack: We're already outside, you pothead!

Breuer: Dude, what's your point?

Cleese: That's it! I shall depart from this place. A fine good luck and good-bye to you both!

Cusack: Hey, can I get a ride, Breuer stole my car.

Breuer: Stole what? ::speeds away in Cusack's 1996 Mercedes coupe::

Cleese: Fine, hop in, but don't slam the door, that is ever so annoying.


(Please feel free to email to others who may be interested or to print a hard copy for them but remember: The Dichotomy of the Dog is copyright 2001 by Rich Wilhelm. If you plan on making a bazillion dollars from this piece of writing, please let me know so I can sue you or something.)