
I just want to say that this whole idea came around because I had a dream. It was neither a good nor a bad dream. Three of my closest friends from my senior year of high school and I were the four horsemen. We did nither good nor bad we just watched the world fall down. I guess that I have placed the personalities of my characters close to the personalities of my high school friends. Thats all I really have to say, I just thought you all might like to what the hell I was thinking when I started this project.

Ohio University freshman and the modern world...
Did you ever notice how you can tell the difference between the upperclassmen and freshman wondering around campus. Freshman look both ways down one way streets and they actually don't walk when the sign says don't walk. They always display school spirit in clean and spotless clothing, they're book bags are really cleans and they have a tendency to leave them unattended. They walk around giving close attention to the happenings that are all around them and try to participate in everything they can. Not that I want to say that all this is bad but you can tell a freshman by those common behaviors. Upperclassmen are a breed all on their own then too. They don't tend to look at all when crossing the street and don't fear walking out into the middle of a busy intersection without care if the lights are green or red. That overwhelming school spirit is gone, that is not to say that they don't have any. They still go to sporting events, but they don't see that same magic that freshman do, they haven't quit cheering, but they have quit cheering when the cheerleaders tell them too. They can't help but still remain in awe of the marching band, though they know they could never do what the 110 does. They still have all the clothes and coats that proclaim them a member of the university too, they just have quit caring what it all looks like. The same goes for their book bags, now they don't care what they look like and have learned that if you can't let it go or you might not ever see it again. Hook it through your foot, keep your hand on it, set in the seat next to you, just don't let it out of you sight or touch for more then a second. They tend to have the most beat up bags too, now it doesn't matter if it sits on the ground and gets dirty, everyone who it might matter too, well that's only them. Upperclassmen do participate, but they have learned how to decide what gets their time first and what has to sit on the sidelines until more time is available. They may seem less aware of their surroundings then they had been before, but upperclassmen just have learned a new way of looking at things. That is, through the slits of their eyes at the much hated time of 8:10 AM for some ungodly class in they don't care what tier. That patented slump upperclassmen exhibit comes from sleepless nights ... writing papers. They just have appreciation as to how comfortable the wall in the hallway is. The fact that they can sleep anywhere and at a moment's notice is no surprise either. When you stay up late, ...writing papers... , you learn how to get as much as you can from as little as you can. Just wait, next year all this years' freshman, in all their glory, will be standing no more proud then the sixth year seniors.

To a new soul in two bodies, love Mandy...
If you want to know the truth I hate you. I hate you for what you took from me. I always knew that I might lose it, I just refused to allow it to ever happen. I leave for just a short while and when I come back all hell had broken lose, now you have taken the one thing that means more to me then life it self had for the longest time. My light, my other half, maybe indeed my better half, we were one soul in two bodies and had been for the longest time. But my other half is so happy with you. I have never seen a happier person, or pair then the two of you. Perhaps this wasn't my other half, but yours. It just hurts to know that the hole that was once filled is now painfully empty and without warning. I always thought that we'd always be together, we were going to live side by side in houses by the sea. I guess not anymore. I can see that perhaps I didn't know that things would turn out this way, but you are both like the sun and my third wheel casts shadows. I just want you to know that I am letting go. You are the one soul in two bodies and I just was a person to hold the other half for you. Have no doubt, there still is something there, just not what it was before. Tears like fire, they burned me, like a betrayal but now I am painfully free, I wish you joyfully full.

To the old soul, like a sun always...
All these years. We have shared so many years. Happy and sad, joyful and mad, the memories remain like a warm glow. Two halves of the same soul. Each trapped in a different body. I believed for the longest time that you were the other me. We thought alike, we could complete the others thoughts and sentences, hell I think we even loved alike. But I had to get away, it was just awhile, and I did keep in contact. As much as I hate my replacement, I can see that it is time for it. We have, had the world, so to speak. But you can't see the sunrise the same way day in and out and always feel the same way about it. Perhaps we thought that we could do forever, hell I would have dropped everything and come running if you said you wanted away. But you seemed happy to wait. I can see why, fate had you true other half in the wings. I will miss what we had, it has hurt making the decision to let you go. Not entirely mind you, if you would have me I would stay as less then I was before. But I can't be the third wheel anymore. There is no balance there. I have cried my heart to nothing thinking of a way to avoid this and I know that I can't. We had ideals, the heart has the truth. I want to let you know that I have released whatever fragile hold I claimed on your free soul and that I think you should entirely embrace the one I can't but hate. Tell the new that someday when I can truly forgive, maybe we can talk on the same level. You are my sun, always.

Have you ever made a mistake that you didn't see coming until it was too late to correct it. I, like most others have made these mistakes, and even though I know they will keep happening, I am so happy where I am that I keep performing the actions that will lead to them over and over again. I know that I have the tendency to think that I am indestructible and I guess I don't really realize how mortal my life is. Yet even in saying this, I know that when the sun rises in an hour, I will go back to making the same mistakes. I want to change, honestly so, but I don't know how to. I have been this way all my life and I am afraid of change and afraid that the people who know me will learn that I am not who they thought I was. I guess I am tired. Laugh and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Dancing Nancies
Dave Matthews Band
-----------------------
Could I have been
A parking lot attendant
Could I have been
A millionaire in Bel Air
Could I have been
Lost somewhere in Paris
Could I have been
Your little brother
Could I have been
Anyone other than me
Could I have been
Anyone other than me
Could I have been
Anyone other than me
Could I have been
AnyoneHe stands touch his hair his shoes untied
Tongue gaping stare
Could I have been a magnet for money?
Could I have been anyone other than me?Twenty three and so tired of life
Such a shame to throw it all away
The images grow darker still
Could I have been anyone other than me?
Then ILook up at the sky
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use
in hurrying Turn, turn we almost become dizzyI am who I am who I am who am I
Requesting some enlightenment
Could I have been anyone other than me?Sing and dance I'll play for you tonight
And thrill at it all
Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes
But I'll work it out then ILook up at the sky
My mouth is open wide, lick and taste
What's the use in worrying, what's the use
in hurrying Turn, turn we almost become dizzyFalling out of a world of lies
Could I have been dancing nancy
Could I have been anyone other than me?

I stand on the threshold of a new time. Moving out and beyond what I may have originally planned, but I am not worried. I am and will continue to be extraordinarily stubborn. I know what I want and I will keep plugging away until I reach the goal I have set for myself. Pointing out of course that it is in my nature to push those who would not support my goals or those who would actually hind those goals out of my way. It is not that I don't love and care for them, but universally speaking, they will always be there and as such they can be set aside for the time being and picked up again later. However being human I can only feel sad that they don't join me in the joy that I feel at finally finding and seeking to achieve my newest goal. Is it then fickle of me to place them to the side and come for them later when I can better accept their wishes. I am of yet confused as to what part of the way that I see to achieve these goals that they find to be unacceptable. I am after all an adult and as such I have the right to decide what is right and wrong for me. That is not to say that I would not listen to what they think of my predicaments and ponder their reasoning. All I simply wish to for them to allow me pursue my goals are I see fit, even if this means leaving me on my own for some time.

On the other side of morning...
I must admit, I am rather slow to grasp certain concepts. I have just now, mind you I am less then two months shy of twenty, realized that I am not indestructible. Yesterday I got my bill for classes next quarter, a terribly high cost mind you. I can't afford to eat on campus anymore, but I can't get out of my meal plan. Now I am stuck with food I hate at such a high cost I may not be coming back in the spring. Add on to that grades, now I am not the smartest person in the world, but damn it I am stubborn. If I don't get it right I will just keep working on it until I do. Now my parents see this other wise, if I don't do good I lose their support, thus again having to put off college some more. Now you are all looking at me going, well hunny that's the real world. Well harsh intro for me, I have lead a shielded life. I don't own a car, don't pay for hardly anything myself, and have never had a real full time job. Welcome to the other side.

It's been a long couple of days. Off visiting the morally deranged and I came home to the biggest surprise of my life. I guess it can happen to anyone, anyway I am glad it is almost the time of the day that I normally go to sleep. However, I can't, I have about seventeen hours of work to and only eight hours to do it in. I just understand it all myself. Last week I was doing so good. I kept all caught up with all the work that is required of me as a college student and had time to sleep and live a stress free life (well as stress free as a college students can be). Now I am all f#cked up as far as that goes. No time, no patience, and most important of all no money. I have friends and room mates who are arguing up a storm over the most trivial things, I can see that they might be important to them, but I just can/can't see it. All I want is a real moment of rest. Not that it helps that it keeps getting dark so early.

I spent along time thinking this afternoon. It wasn't about economics like it was supposed to be, it was about my life in general. I need to make sure that they understand what Athens is to me. Did her heart rate speed up and her soul sing out when she saw the lights at the house when she got back from a business trip. Were his feelings the same after a long day in the fields. I need them to understand that is the feeling I get when I see this place. It's not just when I see the bend that leads to South Green, it's the signs along the road that say X miles until Athens. It wasn't just this way after spring break, winter break, or summer session. It was this way coming home from a weekend in Delta or from visiting my roommate's parents, who live only an hour from Athens. It is this way when I see the campus after coming out from a class, it is a feeling of home. This is what I want, this is why I am here. This is why I will stay no matter what.

We all make mistakes, with our friends and with others. It's the mistakes with friends that are perhaps the most painful. I made some tonight. Between the beer and the assumptions I have upset my future (like as in next week) house mate. I may have made several other people upset because of my reaction to her actions. I didn't mean to and I realized right when she stormed out that she had listed to how I had said it, not what I had said. I don't know if I am FUBAR or not, I will find out in the morning when I am a lot more sober and she is ready to talk to me. At least I didn't have to walk from the other end of town to get home, she still gave me a ride.

Don’t think that I don’t see the look that you are exchanging. I can’t read your mind, but your eyes are way too expressive. I know that there is something about me that you don’t like and I wonder what it is. Why is it that you can’t talk to me about it? How can I keep living like this right here, just feet away from you and yet you can barely put up with me. In what way have I wronged you? What has changed since the day that we met? I have to tell you something. There are things about you that bother me. You get angry too fast and stay so too long. You threaten, however indirectly, to make sure that you get your way. Do you think that maybe once you could talk and not yell? It’s not that I don’t like you, really I love to spend time with you both, but it is bothering me that you don’t feel like you can talk to me and I have to hear this from a second source. Even so I can’t talk to you about it. I won’t lose the friend in the source and I won’t have you hating her for telling me. Do you understand? Never hoping. I hate that, my name is on the lease too.

I find that I have wonderful days. I know who I am, where I’m going, and what I want in life. Then there are days like this. Why am I here? I don’t know what I am doing. I think, on days like this that it’s killing me and I love every minute of it. Pain is second nature to every human being. You came to life in pain and you’ll leave it in the same way. So I don’t think that there is anything wrong with loving it. I need to get over it. This is nothing more than a silly crush. It shouldn’t hurt me to see him flirt with every girl but me. It does. I want to be happy. For some odd reason, happiness includes him. At least that’s my vision of it right now. For some odd fucking reason I think that I could love him. My goal in life is be the smallest burden on everyone that I can be. I won’t strain what little friendship we seem to have now for the sharing of love. It’s not worth it to me and I won’t be a burden to him. That’s all.

Fate is unusual. It brings opposites together and throws cogs into the wheels of time. Now I believe in fate and I think that we all were meant to be together for a reason. I am having some problems now. He doesn’t love her anymore. Shouldn’t be a problem, but they share a room and a ‘future’. He also is too chicken shit to end things with her. Everyday she talks about how happy they will be in the future and he doesn’t want that future. Then again I’m not supposed to know and not supposed to tell. Fate is a bitch and this week I hate her. Maybe tomorrow will be better, more than likely not. When it happens it will happen hard. She won’t eat or sleep her dream world shattered. He won’t care about her feelings and go look for another girl. The two of us who are left will do our best to balance things, but we aren’t perfect. Fate put us here for a reason and we have to do our best to deal with it.
Lyrics for Dancing Nancies are not mine and are used without permission. Want more Dave? Go here.
Abstract Dementia © 1999 2000 Dementia Productions
Maintained by Mandy