00¦11¦30

5:25p and i dying to open up my new site. i don't know
maybe tomorrow. i still need to put some
more content in there.

ok i need to go take some movies back to hollywood
videos.

smooches


00¦11¦29

11:44a and i know i need therapy. i broke
down in front of lamar and i
to show weakness like that. i always put
a stone face in front of everyone
to hide the painful and miserable soul inside.
i told him that i didn't want to be in a relationship
not really knowing why i said it. i want to
be with him till death do us part but my issues
are in my way. i must get them fixed before they
destroy me and my relationship. i have to say though
that lamar made me feel so loved and secure
last night. he just held me while i cried and
said that we need to work it out together.

i love you Lamar ~ till death to us part ~

00¦11¦26

10:36a and i'm in big, big trouble!
ever wonder why when you find someone
you like, love even, all these guys
or girls come out of the woodworks?
well that's what i'm going through.
lamar comes back into my life and i was feeling
pretty good about that, but now, justice is coming
around saying everything i want to hear. the bad
part is that they know each other. actually from the
same hood. i told lamar about justice
to avoid him hearing it in the streets.
he took it hard but better than i expected.
justice, however, i didn't tell that i was
seeing lamar and last night i received a phone
call from him, justice. during the conversation he asked
me why i didn't invite him over for thanksgiving
but before i could answer he blurted out, "i guess
lamar has taken my place". i swear i couldn't say anything
for five minutes. man this city is so big yet so small. you have to know that these men are ex-gang members
from the same gang. that means non active
members yet once you're in it you're in it
for good. well of course the conversation
got a little heated. he kept telling me to end it
and i kept reminding him of the hell he
put me through and that we were no longer together.
what really scared me is when he said,
"i haven't hurt you, you're not dead right!"
i was speechless again! "is that a threat?" then
he says that he will do something to lamar the next
time he see him. OMG lamar and justice are both controlling, but justice is more
controlling than lamar, and i find it hard to stand
up to him. i keep finding myself walking on egg
shells by being very careful of what i say.
he asked me if i love lamar and all i could say is
that i have feelings for him. i couldn't let the
words, "yes i do", come out. i don't know i'm scared,
scared to say i love lamar for two reasons:lamar
and i have our own issues and i'm not sure it will
last; and if i do say it, and lamar and i break up,
i will lose justice too. God, does
this make since? maybe if i wasn't in such a
rush. i love them both, i love lamar more, i'm
scared to lose either one! lamar said it best when he said, "you're
just holding on to both just in case!" yep! smooches

November 20,2000

11:41a and yeah it's been forever since
i've been here last, but here
i am, back again with lots to
say. first things first, i'm working on
something new, layout that is, to go
along with the new style of
honesty i want to have with my journal.
i want less interactive bull and more
me. not being selfish but i just want to
vent, and not worry about who has
what to say about it.
anyway, i'm just not that experience with layouts
so i'm having a hard time getting something
together. i do have the splash page done
and the title. and i also found a
place that doesn't place ads on your page
brinkster yeah! anyways, the past days have been wonderful,
well mostly wonderful. lamar and i,
yeah i gave up his name, it's not
like you people know him ¦) we're going through
some rough times, but i think we were
meant to be, and he thinks so too! we'll see
time is always the solution to life's questions. oh i have to talk about work sat., it was
absolutely wonderful. for twelve hours
i didn't do not one minute of work! ¦)
i worked the usc-ucla game and rode around
with my supervisor the whole damn day!!!
it was great! i'm sure that won't happen
again in a while, if ever. so i must write this down
so i'll always remember it. ok i've bored you enough smooches

November 14,2000

5:17p and it's so hard to come here because i know that i'll just choke up again and not express my inner most feelings about the day and my troubles. i don't want to tell you and more than that i don't want to bore you with my troubles. it's not like it's all that bad just the normal everyday drama that's goes on in every- ones lives, but it's hard to say it. it makes it more real when you have to face yourself. i spend so much time in a vancant place, i rarely come out to see the daylight. but at 30 some- thing it's that time. lets face it it's been time. well i did make some progress today, i received my guard card so that's more work for me and more pay. but, it's 5:23p and i have class at 6 and it doesn't look like i'm going. mainly because i missed the past 2 tues. and i'm too embarrass to walk in there and say, "i'm back"! my professor will look at me like i'm crazy. *sighing* 3 more classes and it's taking forever to finish. why do i drag like this? oh well, this is my life and i have to fix it. about "him"! i have to be very careful what i say about this subject since he now knows where my site is. but i do luv him. but it's that luv that is flip- side of the hate that i sometimes feel. that isn't good is it? it's a thin line, and i'm often walking the line one foot in front of the other, praying with my eyes shut that i won't fall. damn, i can't live with him but i can't live without him. what to do, what to do?? gotta go

smooches

November 12, 2000

10:16a and we're not going to make it! :[

smooches

November 11, 2000

5:29p and i just got off of work and now i'm ready to hit the streets. but where to go? when you get my age the choices become less and less. well i won't bore you with my dilema. just wanted to put something down here since it has been awhile.

smooches

November 8, 2000

11:15p and i'm so tired. i just came from a live taping of christina aguilera. my daughter received the tickets from her school and of course i had to go. she's screaming and i was yawning. it was ok, but i hate to sit through those commercials. i had a horrible day yesterday, i mean bad! found out my license was suspended since september and i didn't have a clue. the dmv said they sent a notice certified mail, but i didn't receive anything, i swear. so i've been calling around and wrote a letter to the courts to have this thing fixed. *sighing* next, i couldn't renew my registration because of another ticket i received, which i asked for a hearing and never received a date to appear in court. i'm thinking that i'm still waiting for a hearing and they are imposing more fees for failure to pay the ticket. *sighing* next, i went out to vote and when i got in my car, my battery was on strike. i couldn't move an inch. thankfully i was able to get a jump from a guy and i was finally able to go home and cry. *sighing* thank God for my sanity because i was on the verge of killing somebody. i mean the shit hit the fan for real. oh yeah for today, i gave in to lamar. i feel like shit for it too when i should be on cloud nine. i told myself that i would not open the door for him, but noooooo, i just had to do "it". *sighing* i can't wait for this month to end. so much more to say, but i'm seeing double. excuse any mistakes, i'm tired.

smooches

November 6,2000

11:25a and this is my new layout, hope you like it. i haven't really posted an entry in a while, there is so much to say but i don't have the time. plus i have a lot of studying to do, so i'll post something tomorrow. but i do want to say, please vote today. i don't care for who, well yeah i do, but i'll just say VOTE. it's very important, and you cant bitch if you don't voice your opinion. for those who only have my journal url, here's a link to my home

Smooches

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