9/1/00

SOME CLAIM HIS DEATH HAPPENED LONG AGO

While most of the country was enthralled by the election process and Survivor last week, there were voices calling for a re-examination of Abraham Lincoln. Where is he? Why is he gone? Where did he go? All questions most know the answer to were asked since someone in Illinois just found out.

In a press conference held by Loida McDeaver on Thursday, all three local newspaper reporters who showed up were surprised to realize that McDeaver had just found out that Abraham Lincoln was dead. "I was really shocked," said one photographer duped into the press event with promises of nude nurses and jelly beans. "I didn't come here to see stupid people, I came to see naked people!"

"I have some very important information I thought you all might want to know," said McDeaver, as she opened her three-hour long press conference. "There have been three or four people who informed me that they were privy to very very confidential important information, that has been classified for years, and will....(Three hours later)...Abraham Lincoln was not only shot in 1865, but is also dead."

While the drooling and sleep-deprived press "core" stood up to leave, McDeaver exclaimed, "Doesn't anyone care!?" The reporters didn't answer.

21nickels.com DID stay, however. And in an exclusive interview, we talked with Mrs. McDeaver about her foolish ignorance and stupidity.

Cows Finally Come Home...

According to wife Jolene Smeltfarth, John Smelthfarth has been claiming he would re-shingle their Homixford, Texas roof "soon." On Sunday, when pressured about the soon-to-come remodeling work, John Smelthfarth told his wife, "I will DO IT When the COWS COME HOME!" An obvious attempt to use an age-old saying to get out of the work.

On Monday, the cows finally came home. "I was shocked," said Jolene. "It's been so many years since they came home," an excited Smeltfarth said. "I think it's sign for John to finally do the roof....after all, we never even owned cows."

"I will do the roof now, that's for damn sure," John Smeltfarth claimed. "Living in a suburb, there ain't much room for 450 cattle, so I better do it quick."

Townsfolk are pressuring the Smeltfarths to re-shingle quickly. After all, there is already four inches of fecies, not to mention a shortage of hay.

8/29/00

BARKER EDGES OUT RODDEY

It may have been a battle to the finish on CBS's nighttime version of Survivor, but the daytime game show circuit climaxed on The Price is Right.

What has become a legendary fued between stars Bob Barker and Rod Roddey, it erupted into a hostile battle to see who was the Price is Right Survivor. While there were no major injuries--with the exception of an excited 400 pound man sporting a "I love Bob Barker" shirt--it drew in huge ratings. CBS executives said they might keep Barker on for a few more years. President Les Moonves claimed "We will keep him until the maggots eat through his pale flesh."

In early May, low ratings and bored fans caused an angry Bob Barker to threaten to "neuter" a contestant after not clearly identifying the correct price during a "Plinko" event. As the contestant, Mary Lou Tennor cryed on stage, Barker whipped a "Barker Beauty's" hairpiece at her, and proceeded to play Plinko himself, all the while screaming "I shall rule the world." Almost immediately, Roddey came to the defense of Tennor, brandishing a brand new frying pan, and an lovely new pair of skies. While most were confused as to what his motives were, it began the biggest battle since Letterman and Leno.

In one horrifying television moment, Barker placed the face of Roddey on character in the Mountain Hiker game, and made the Hiker fall into a grave marked "Roddey." Roddey isn't unclean from the tarnished reputation of the Price is Right. In one embarassing moment, Barker urinated himself while showing the contestants' row how to "spin the wheel", and Roddey screamed out from the announcer's deck: "Come on down, your the NEXT urine stain to grace Barker's leg!"

It wasn't clear how the fued would end, though. But it did. On Thursday, August 24, 2000, Barker asked the audience to mark Roddey and he in a feat of strength. Both Roddey and Barker took turns lifting the heftier of the Barker Beuaties off the ground. After Roddey collasped, causing massive internal bleeding, Barker said, "The Flab has spoken." Thus ending a battle of the titans. Immediately afterwards, ex-game show host extroidinaire Wink Martindale rushed in, carrying nothing but a brand new golf club, and striking Barker and Roddey repeatedly on the head. "You ain't gonna spade no more cats," the feline-loving Martindale belted out.

On Friday, they went back to regularly scheduled programming of dumb people spinning wheels and guessing wrong prices.

FINGER ATTACKS RUSSIAN PRESIDENT

On Thursday evening, Russian President Vladimir Putin briefed the press on the latest Russian disaster to cause the country to grow deeper into recession, depression, and immorality. And as he spoke, members of the media witnessed yet another attack of "finger"--as he has been dubbed.

Russians were aghast. TV Moscow was stunned as they saw yet another Finger raping in their country.

The first time Finger attacked a foreign leader was in 1991, when Boris Yelstin was inaugurated into the Russian Presidency. Yelstin, who was pushed off of a podium he was speaking at by Finger, blamed the affair on former President Gorbachev. "There is no doubt in my mind, unless I am drunk, that it was Gorby," Yelstin said in 1992.

There is a major difference in people's attitude towards finger, however, since the beginning stages of Democracy in the former U.S.S.R. In a Gallup poll late Thursday night, respondents claimed they supported Finger in his attempt to regain notoriety. Not only that, but 56% of Russians said they hope next time Finger pushes Putin to the ground. The only time Finger gained any public support during the 1990s is when he was pulled by Yelstin, unleashing a title wave of gaseous fumes, which inundated the poverty-stricken country.

For some time now, Finger hasn't been in Russia. His presence hasn't been felt in the Middle East, either. Ever since he wrote the "Phalange Prophet", Iraq and Iran have offered rewards of up to 1.4 million Turbins for his capture.

Finger, even through the controversy, managed to emerge from his "shell" numerous times since the mid-1990s when he vanished for months. In late 1998, Congress witnessed Finger caressing the knowing scalp of Republican Henry Hyde during the Lewinsky impeachment hearings. And just this year, millions watching the Democratic National Convention saw Finger firmly pushing on the stomach of V.P. candidate Joseph Leiberman. After the affair, Leiberman was "enraged" but at the same time "liberated from his own fear of death", according to spokespeople.

While most think the reappearance of Finger will be his demise, he is continuing with his attacks. Sources tell 21nickels.com that he is scheduled to hold a press conference next week, where he will announce the next famous public figure he will push on the stomach of. Rumors have it that his next goal is to touch the chin of comedian Jay Leno.

8/18/00

GORE SPEAKS TO CONVENTION: "I won't lie...too much..."

Vice Presidential Al Gore stood behind the podium this Los Angelas night, and proclaimed his independence from Bill Clinton. Not only that, but he was also on the "frisky" side, as one spokeman put it.

"I have never seen Al so lifelike," John Pixterletter commented after the the hour long speech. The Gore aide went on to say, "I think everyone was quite surprised...everyone including his wife who hasn't even been permitted to see him nude since the late 1970s."

Gore said he "won't lie...too much" during his tenure if he should win this November. "I think Americans are very forgetful, and I am asking them to forget the last 8 years," a nervous Vice President hinted. "It's been the best of time, but I still want people to realize when I break the law as President, I SHALL NOT GET CAUGHT." Gore's words caused the crowd to deafen.

Gore also allowed the speech to serve as a attack on George W. Bush. "The other side will take food out of your mouths, take away your social security, cause the deficit to boom, appoint only white men, let big doners into the White House for campaign money, cause your grandmothers to get scalely skin, rip newborns' lips off after three years, force monkeys to mate with lambs, and make America go back."

Gore's speech was boring. Polls are yet to be taken on who put more Americans to bed: Gore or Leiberman.

Bush officials said that they won't respond to Gore's words, because they weren't coherent through most of the speech. "Bush and us all did a few lines....err...practiced lines for his next speech, rather...So we didn't watch it," a confidential Bush associate said late Thursday. But George W. Bush's mother did issue a short statement: "I would never give cookies and milk to this jerk [Gore]".

The only negative, according to aides, is that Gore forgot to take his hanger out of his coat before the speech.

Clinton's Message:"Reduce Kennedy Head Size Now!"

President Bill Clinton's message was recieved by a welcoming audience this week at the 2000 version of the Democratic National Convention. After a two-hour walk through the halls of the convention until he was seen by the gathering of Democrats from around the country, Clinton delivered what many call his best political speech yet.

"Reduce Senator Kennedy's head size, NOW!" Clinton exclaimed, as the audience roared to their feet. "There is no reason why it is so large, nor do we have to accept it anymore."

Clinton, persuaded by polls of recent weeks, has decided to embark on a "Headshrinking Kennedy" plan for the last few months of his presidency. "It takes up too much air of children all over the world," Clinton proclaimed. "Even Teddy's fellow Senator's have no more room to breathe," Clinton said.

The Head Crisis is surely bound to increase in its severity over the next few months. As the summer ends, humid Washington D.C. has seen an increase in Kennedy's head beyond the point which is acceptable. What was once a problem has quickly turned into a crisis.

Clinton didn't lay out plans to reduce Kennedy's head size, however, to the dismay of his friends. However, Kennedy himself had words of praise for the President's recognition of his head girth. "I would like to thank the President for his kind words...Bobby and John would be proud of him, no matter how many hummers he got."

While doctors claim there is no way Kennedy will be able to reduce his head size by the November election, it's clear that he can provide a good block to the sun in the West. Clinton has already sent a bill to Washington that will allow for Kennedy to block the sun from a large portion of the Rocky Mountains--hoping to cut down on the blazing forest fires.

8/16/00

Kotsur Admits "Not Knowing"

Lenore Kotsur said on Monday that she didn't know what the first to play on MTV was. Her admission, which was before a group 3 people, was the latest in a series of admissions showing her lack of knowing anything at all.

While Lenore does say she enjoys listening to "some music," the only type of song she said she liked was Gospel. "I love Jesus," Lenore happily explaimed.

Of course, as most people can tell you, Video Killed the Radio Star by the Buggles was the first song to play on MTV back in 1981, a year in which Lenore was most likely listening to Gospel and loving Jesus, Kotsur style.

Her lack of knowledge on this issue as only led many people to think that she lacks knowledge on other issues, such as whether or she knows when to bathe, and even wipe herself.

Kotsur's friends say she has not known things for some time, now. "It's truly ashame that she hasn't seen more of the world," her friend Faith said after the occurence. "I think she has what it takes to know things, but she is just is so consumed by both Gospel and the saving Christ.

In the end, it will be up to Lenore whether she updates herself on life. If you ask Lenore, of course, it's up to Jesus.

8/8/00

FORD HAS STROKE AFTER SEEING BLACK REPUBLICANS

With the site of the Republican convention cleaning up and returning to it's Democratic roots, former President Gerald Ford is recovering from two strokes he had after Tuesday night's festivities.

The ex-president was said to be "confused" and slightly disorientated after seeing so many black and hispanic Republican convention goers. "I haven't seen this many black people...well..ever," Ford said as he was taken to the hospital late Tuesday night. "I haven't even been this confused since I saw Dick Nixon sing with Sammy Davis Junior."

He wasn't the only confused G.O.P.er. Trent Lott asked where he was, on more than one occasion. At one point during gospel hymns being sung on stage, Lott and Dick Armey thought there were in the N.A.A.C.P. convention.

Republicans plan to counter in two weeks at the Democratic convention. G.O.P. chairman Jim Nicholson said Saturday that he intends to send over 400 fat middle aged "white guys" to Los Angelas. "They won't know what hit them!" Nicholson ended.

Official Republican presidential candidate, George W. Bush, claimed Friday that he will "snort up the competition" when it comes to debating Al Gore this fall. With an emphatic voice and a squinty eye, Bush claimed he will "treat Gore like his own history, and pretend it doesn't exist."

Gore held a press conference this week, where he alledged Bush "murdered grandmothers and sheepdogs" while in Texas. "I cannot give you exact instances," Gore said, "but I do know there is a slightly less grandmother population in Texas--and doing it all for sex, yet! Is this the kind of leadership we want in the White House!?"

Gore, while speaking to a group of third graders, said: "Does your mommy want you to die? Well, George Bush does." Gore is attempting to show he cares.

America will have to wait until November of course to see whether Gore's hopeful message will be enough to beat Bush's dangerous plans and even more dangerous campaign.

7/28/2000

CHENEYMANIA STRIKES

From 3:00 pm on Tuesday, July 25, Cheney fever has struck America--the likes of which has not been seen since Gerald Ford was sworn in as president in 1974.

Dick Cheney stood next to Candidate Bush in a hot Texas press room. The room, packed with reporters tasting the "Cheney Mania" that would soon develop, couldn't contain their excitment when Dick Cheney was actually named. Two ABC reporters became so orgasmically excited, they had to be taken out on stretchers. Their status is still unkown.

As for Cheney himself, the VP candidate remains elusive. His silence on the issue has only further excited his strands of supporters throughout the country. Bush, who knew the announcement would be the biggest news of the year, told the press that he would "Now I look like the inferior man, standing next to a person with such huge amounts of support."

There are concerns that Cheney's past will become an issue, however. While it is known that he commanded forces during the Persian Gulf War, it is not widely known that for a brief time while in Saudi Arabia, he took to wearing a skirt, and calling himself "Melinda." Not only that, but he has NO history of drug abuse, which will surely be a threat to the coke-head Bush.

The true threat America now faces is the over-dramatic support from Cheney fans. While there have only be two Cheney-related riots on late Tuesday night, some are sure to follow. When he tempted America with a bid for the presidency in 1996, the death toll rapidly climbed to "2", before police surpressed the rioting "Cheneymaniacs."

As an unreported NBC reporter said after the Tuesday announcement, "Every time I think of George W's running mate I nearly shit my pants." After all, if Candidate Bush is elected, Cheney would be the first Dick in the White House since Nixon.

7/20/2000

Upsetting the White House personnel this week, President Bill Clinton has changed the order of procedures in the Oval Office, even going as far as dancing in the nude while on the phone with Russian President Vladimir Putin, and going as far as commanding aides to call him "Carmen Lindmuth".

"He knows his tenure in office is almost over," said Jeane Hixon of human services at the White House. "I just think he might have gone too far, though."

Clinton's arrest last week is a prime example of how he has changed Washington. On Thursday night, around 1 a.m., Clinton was with Administration aides in a local Uni Mart, and reportedly stole two copies of Playboy, and a Cappucino.

Beyond that, Clinton himself has characterized his eight years in Washington as being "better than any bong I never inhaled."

When asked if he would speak at this summer's Democratic Convention, Clinton said, "Carmen Lindmuth shall be there, but he ain't gonna do no f____ing endorsing for AlGore.

7/10/2000

QUEERDOM DISMISSES RUMORS OF HOMOSEXUALITY AS "MYTH"

On Sunday, July 9, 2000, John Queerdom of West Felber, Maryland, said the rumors that he is gay "simply because of a name" are ridiculous. "I have never been put through this type of agony," he said, after vacumming his plush burgundy carpet and dusting his collection of Precious Moments figures.

The latest victim of unfair assault from others has been Queerdom's live-in "friend" Jack Coxhead. On Saturday night, while the two were coming of the Wildick Theatre for a showing of "Riverdance," Coxhead was thrown to the ground by a gang of teenagers, and yelled at before he and Queerdom quickly ran for the police. "We couldn't even find the cops!" Coxhead said. "My family has gone through a lot of pain because of bias, and I don't think any Coxhead should take that..." he finished.

West Felber police department sherrif Anthony Gayhate said that neither he, nor any other member of his police department say they saw Queerdom or Coxhead the night of the incident. "There were no Coxheads or Queerdoms in this department," Gayhate said. "I was simply coming out of the closet in the office when I heard someone outside yelling, but they never came in..."

Queerdom and Coxhead are planning to move to, as they put it, "somewhere where people won't hate us." And as Queerdom says, "somewhere where just because we both live in the same house, and are neat-freaks that wear turtlenecks, people won't think we're gay." In August, they are moving to San Fransisco.

BUSH COMMENTS ON MIDGET "CLEANSING"

Presidential Candidate faced heat this week from a group known as the Midgets Against Bush (MAB). The group president, in the picture shown (right, center) Earl Reef, said that George W. Bush "should be ashamed" of his "anti-midget speech." Reef said that the imflammatory language used by Bush has allowed for an increase in Midget-related crime and 'little people porn' in Texas. Reef said, "The only reason Bush wants to put us to death is because he doesn't want to deal with something he can't see (at least at eye level.)"

George W. Bush's staff countered late Tuesday during a news conference. Bush could not be there because he was "deliberating over vice-president" by watching "some hardcore Sesema Street and having cookies and milk during storytime with Babs". Senior spokesperson, John Spokesperson, said, "Dubbyah has never seen a midget...after all, he is over 6 feet...But we all must come to terms with the fact they are taking up about half the space in Texas."

7/8/2000

DENTIST MAKES ME LOOK LIKE FREDDY KRUEGER

On Friday, July 7, 2000, Dr. Zureski who practices in eastern Pennsylvania, made me look like Freddy Krueger for two hours.

Only a dramatization

He was in the process of capping my teeth, which should take approximately two more weeks before the finished product will be seen.

The incident took place at 9:50 am, and during a brief intermission, I used the restroom. When I did, I took notice to the fact I looked terrible, but was too drugged up to do anything about it. After I got over the fear, and urinated, I began to do Freddy Krueger impersonations in the mirror.

After the event, he placed giant horse-teeth in my mouth. They give me difficulty talking, and with a job as a waiter, it may pose a problem when I have to say "applesauce or coleslaw." The next appointment is scheduled for July 27, 2000.

Yet Another Boring Cover

In an expected move this week from Time Magazine, the editors chose what could only be described as another cover that "sucks."

Editors of the weekly news publication have seen a constant slide in its sales since the cover declaring that Ricky Martin was the greatest new star in music. Not only that, but critics say their misunderstanding of America has led to knodding off while reading, and countless subscriptions from priests.

Some say their news coverage is lacking, but others, such as Renee Smith from Westport, Kentucky, say "when you have a cover that says stuff about the Mississippi, I would only say I would wipe my sun-baked ass with it!"

Others aren't as kind as Renee Smith, however. So Time may have to start putting things that people give a damn about back on the front page. If not, they may go the way of U.S. News and World Report, and only be the magazine of the Nursing Home.

Editors at the magazine are said to be patiently sifting through their tens of mail each week in ernest attemtps to please the readers of such rubish. But, according to spokesperson Jed Midges, "Readers love crap!" In an exclusive interview with this web site, Midges (who is not affiliated in any way with Time Magazine but only stands outside of their building) said he will continue to purchase magazines such as this. He finishes, "It's the only way I can get to sleep at night..."

Statue of Liberty says: "Whaazzzup?!"

In a move only to draw criticism this week, the Statue of Liberty, the shining beakon of hope said on July 4th, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and WAZZUUUP!?"

It was the first time old Liberty has spoken since it was given to the United States as a gift from France in 1886.

During a dazzling 25 minute fireworks display in New York Harbor Tuesday, a more flambouyant Miss Liberty exclaimed, "Turn them damn lights down, I am trying to (expletive deleted) sleep!" She went on to say in a 5 minute tirade how she would place her torch "up the ass of Mayor Guiliana" for dropping out of the Senate race with "bubba's wife."

When axed about this later, spokeman John Henderson said, "This is the first time to my knowledge that the Statue has communicated with people...I think it's a historic event." Others have charged, however, that someone, perhaps Wilbur, placed peanut butter in the Statue's mouth so it would give the appearance of talking.

Either way, Miss Liberty said at the end of the fireworks, "WAZZUUUP!?"

7/7/2000

Bradley's Neck Still Not Over Election Defeat

On Thursday night, sources reported a lonely neck was wandering the streets of Washington D.C., at times weeping and even sleeping in cardboard boxes. It is the latest sad evidence that former candidate Bill Bradley's neck still hasn't recovered from his dramatic election defeat.

Lonely Neck excess: Aides say that Bradley wasn't able to control his neck on Super Tuesday. After the election results were posted nationwide, his Neck , which the Bradley family has named "Ebeneezer", leaped from Bradley's spinal cord and attacked the televison set. "His neck took it the worst," said Bradley's daughter. "I never saw such a lonely excess of skin..."

Prison sentence an issue: Gore sources said in March that if Bradley was successful in more states, his neck's past drug use and prison sentence would have been an issue. "Hell yes, " Gore quipped in March when asked if he would debate Bradley's neck. "The only thing holding his neck back is his facial skin...He is too afraid to face the issues."

Neck hobbies encouraged: Family members have been encouraging other things for Ebeneezer to do to take up time. One even sugested gardening, and another basket weaving. Ebeneezer said, though, that "nothing would make up for the painful end to a campaign against a moronic robot." Do I hear Ebeneezer 2004?

7/2/2000

MIDGET EXECUTIONS IN TEXAS PUT ON HOLD

George W. Bush faced heat this week, when plans to execute the midget population in Texas. "They are taking up too much space," John McTosh of Execute all Midgets (EAM) said this week. However, with the controversial executions in recent weeks, Bush has put off plans to perform what he called 'the midget cleansing.'

6/24/00

BUSH SICKENEND BY FATHER'S WEIRD "SMELL"

In a statement released by George W. Bush this week, he says that "my opinion of my father's odor has nothing to do with my bid for the presidency, and partisan politics are to blame for the scandel."

Aides said on Thursday that W. is confused about his dad's wierd 'old-person' smell. "He was just sitting there, talking to George Senior, and Barbara, and this odor just penetrated the room...He said you were able to cut it with a knife.

Gore to use smell as an issue: On Friday morning, Gore 2000 campaign officials said Al Gore plans to use the senior Bush odor as an issue. "It's going to be a wedge issue in 2000," said Jeane Hicks of the campaign. "No one wants to have a stench in the White House, espeically the youth of America. This is why we will win the 18-25 age bracket.

Bush proclaims dad's smell not an issue: "I don't think these negative attacks on my dad's smell matter, " George W. said Friday. "In response to Mr. Gore, I think his tight pants should be an issue, or even Tipper's wieght problem....but dad's smell ain't mattering to anyone but Gore."

TWO YELLOWS CARS DROVE

On the morning of June 13, 2000, two yellow cars were seen driving through the intersection of S Main St. in Mahonoy City, at the same time. The event, dubbed Yellow-time, took place at approximately 7:58. The yellow cars were in route to a place, which is not being revealed at this time.

The only witnesses were me, and a man standing at the door across the street in a bath robe.

Bill Richardson: "I am NOT lumpy!"

Call Bill Richardson what you will, but he 'is not lumpy.'

In the recent days after the controversial dissapearence of secret U.S. nuclear files, many members of Congress have called for Energy Secretary Richardson to resign. The latest call was from a little known Congressman of the Denver, Colorado area, Sen. John Malcocks. Malcocks had originally called for Richardson to dance naked before Congress as a punishment for the snafu, but the White House refused. Now, with the latest fiasco heating up, Malcocks has called Richardson "lumpy."

"It's not my fault that we have an energy secretary who is lumpy!" exclaimed Malcocks, in a heated press conference yesterday with four reporters. "This man, this secretary who can't even keep nuclear secrets safe, is LUMPY!"

The White House responded on Thursday that the "lump-wing conspiracy" continues. As for Richardson, he was surprised at the attack. "These negative, personal attacks must stop," he said. "...For lumpy I am not..."

BOB HOPE not DEAD AT 97.

Tonight, Bob Hope is hospitalized but he is not dead. Many people thought this would be the last time they got to see the great "comedian" Even before his news of not dying leaked out, many news angencies such as Knight Ridder and AP were preparing reports about his death.

All of the ex-presidents who have had Bob Hop entertain them, with the exception of Richard Nixon, had their hopeful fingers crossed for a Bob Hope funeral. "It would give me something to do," said Jimmy Carter. "I have been building houses for so long, I haven't heard the sound of another human being's voice since 1989." President Bush and Barbara already had flowers sent to the Hope home, hoping that Hope would be dead. "Not gonna do it..." Bush proclaimed Friday..."Did it," he said Friday night. Bill Clinton could not be reached for comment, but his intern read a statement: "Bill Clinton never had sexual relations with Bob Hope."

When asked about not taking Bob Hope's life this week, Death itself said, "Sure, maybe I wimped out this time; but come on! His jokes died 40 years ago!"

Still developing...hot (Bea Arthur could not be reached for comment)