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Meteorologists are worried by a new breed of cold fronts which seem to be shifting from Canada to the United States. The Weather Channel's John Assley said on Friday "we have to realize this winter will be a nasty one if we don't stop these cold fronts now."

Cold Front "Eugene" sparked controversy late Wednesday after terrorizing British Columbia. Residents hardly even had time to warn the state of Washington that Eugene was coming.

British Columbian resident Filipe Frito claimed "I HAVE NEVER been this irate! I was simply driving down the road, when the cold front cut me off and gave me the finger." Other local Canadians met in town halls to complain that Eugene had purposely torn shingles off of their house, flattened tires, and woke their children from a good night's sleep. Two year-old Ronny Frito, Filipe's son, was wakened at 2 a.m. PST Friday morning before rushing into the United States.

"I want my American rights!" claimed Eugene, as he woke Oregon on Friday. "I am cold front...!"

President Clinton said the cold front has "no constitutional rights." Clinton is scheduled to address the nation on Sunday night if Eugene continues to demand American rights.

Cold front is also affecting the current presidential campaign. Reform party candidate Pat Buchanan said "America should close its doors" to illegal alien fronts. George W. Bush didn't have an opinion, but claimed he was open to "cold fronts of different nationalities." And sources say Al Gore is likely to receive illegal campaign contributions from it.

The good news is, the cold front is likely to be over the Atlantic Ocean by Thursday at the latest. However, until then, Eugene will make America hell on earth.

Sources say Jerry Springer has already booked an appearance by cold front. will keep you updated.

FINGER'S HISTORY: A non-remorseful past

In January of 1943, Franklin D. Roosevelt was not only hounded by the Nazis, but also had his own home-grown problems to deal with. With the Great Depression starting to ease, Americans were drawn into a war with Germany, and Roosevelt told the nation to not fear anything, except for Roosevelt fears Fingerfear itself.

However, in a new book set to be released this fall, the author contends that Franklin Roosevelt was fearful of "Finger". Pull My FingerFinger, who viciously attacked Joe Leiberman at the Democratic convention, and just last week assaulted Russian President Vladimir Putin during a press briefing on the submarine disaster, was a thorn in Roosevelt's side during the war.

In Pull My Finger by Bob Dylan Harris IV, a picture of a president frightened to even wheel his chair outside of the White House. In excerpts obtained by, Harris writes: "Roosevelt not only stayed inside the Oval Office constantly, but also cut off all relations he had with his wife. In many cases, he would say 'Finger is my downfall.'"

The most controversial claim in Pull My Finger alledges that Finger not only tripped Roosevelt during his first innagural, but also crippled him.

Finger dodged the media on Friday, and his attorney is scheduled to hold a press conference after the release of Pull My Finger. Finger released a brief statement late Friday: "My Attorney, Hand, will provide the details when we read the book in its entirety. I contend I did not trip Roosevelt, nor did I ever mean him harm. I just wanted to touch his belly."

My Birthday Reflection

Well, as you may or may not know--depending on whether or not you know me--Saturday, September 2, 2000, is (or was) my 20th birthday. I have been a live for 20 years. It's been a strange 20 years.

As the administrator of this popular web site, I realize there may be a large influx of presents. I beg of you: do not send me presents. As much as I need things--such as all 10 Late Night with David Letterman anniversaries shows that are on sale at ebay--I don't want them. Sure, I suppose anyone could use keys to a new convertible--BUT I BEG YOU YOU, don't send me them. As much as you would enjoy the expression on my face after opening a card with $100 in, I don't want it.

I can't claim "teenageism" when I sleep to long, or when I am to lazy. I will soon be old enough to legally drink. But like I said, NO PRESENTS (unless you really want to give me something, then I won't argue, of course.)

In this, my 20th year alive, and the second year as webmaster of, I plead to you: I need your help, so I never have to work again. I want to make this site popular enough that people will want to advertise with me. I want to make you laugh until I'm dead. Tell your friends of the benefits of Tell them what they can see here. Explain the mocking of public officials, and the lame attempt to be funnier than I was told once, "If I built it, they would come." Well, I built it, and come they haven't!

Last month, recieved over 500 hits. It's not enough. I know for a fact at least 200 of them were me editing the page, and I know my friend Joe was at least 100. Make us your homepage--anything. I don't ever want to work again, and this may be my ticket to home-work and laziness for the rest of my life! I will let you sleep on it...Your guilt will soon catch up to you.

Bryan Smolock

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