...
I wrote this note a while ago. I don't know if I still feel half the things I felt when I wrote it because at the time of writing I was still in love with you, but at this point in my negative, blasé life I don't think I can write anything with nearly as much creative flair. So it'll have to do :) Out-of-date, but straight from my heart.
22.5.04 - Stephanie... Steff, Shmeck, Snep.
As I write this we are on seperate plains. You immersed in happiness, I immersed in despair. It makes me feel so contented to see your blatant joy, it's somehow rewarding to see the smile on your face despite my not having a role in putting it there.
I'm not sure how much you realise this, as you seem to be blind to all things in your credit. But you are an inspiration to me. You give me incentive to do things. To go to school, take care of myself. It is for you I think twice about my self-destructive urges, as I know that you care. Your caring has meant so much to me. On those days when I felt completely alone in the world, you reassured me in those two words, 'lubs ya', that there was one person there for me. Thankyou for showing me the meaning of love. I couldn't hope to feel closer to you, and I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve the time we've had together, as I feel utterly below you. I know you hate compliments, but please believe these as my final words dedicated to you, and they are the truest things I could say. You
are a wonderful person. No matter how much you deny it, you are a beautiful, passionate, talented woman! Your low self-esteem disturbs me, because you are the most gorgeous female to grace the earth! And with a fabulous voice and a God-sent gift for drama, you're intelligent and just brimming with potential! You have such a bright future Steff, and I'm sorry I can't be there to see it, but I know you will go far and be amazing, and make so many people happy, as you already have done. You have a glowing aura, this fire within you that I have always envied. A zest for life. Steff, please believe finally! You are the most beautiful, caring, loving and funny human I have ever had the privelige to know! You amaze me constantly! I love you so much, more than you realise.
I feel I was a prat to you. I felt stupid, jealous and like I never did anything right in our relationship. I felt stupid, inferior and a burden on you in our friendship. And yet despite my negativity, you showed me a brighter side of life. You indirectily proved that I had the capacity to feel love. You helped me be a better person. You allowed me to spend the happiest few months of my life with you. I'll never forget all our crazy ways, our stupid things we do together. I will miss you so much! For a long while it was you and you only that I solely lived for, but I'm afraid that I have to leave. I'll miss your laughs, and your hugs. But remember that you are more important to me and more appreciated than anyone else I know, anyone I have ever met before. I'll be trying to become a better friend until we meet up again, I'll be with you always, I'll wait for you always, and I will love you ALWAYS, for the beautiful, amazing, fantabulous person you are. Never doubt yourself Steff, never.
Unconditional love always,
Shmelly. xoox (zooks!)
PS I'm sorry if this letter made you angry or sad. I don't want you to feel bad. Embrace yourself, embrace love, life, God and those who love you.
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