Stéphanie!!!
Stéphanie... The light of my heart. The crazy Canadian workaholic, with the sexy hair and the sexy hands and the sexy eyes and smile and who was just plain sexy. If there's one night I will never forget it is our night in London. That was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me... That me, a naive 17 year old with chronic self-esteem problems could possibly catch the eye of such a beautifully quirky, charming and positively perfect 24 year old as yourself?? It was bizarre! But blissful! I'll never forget you, for as long as the soul lives.
It is YOU who I pain most for hurting, and leaving. It's always been a toss-up, ever since I met you. 'Suicide or Bubbles?' you've been my deciding factor and my reason for living as long as I have now. In the months leading up to the trip, and indeed most of the trip itself I was planning on exiting life as soon as I returned, but with you on my heart and my mind I couldn't bear to do such a thing!!!
I still can't bear to imagine the pain I am going to cause you by doing what I am about to do. If there's one person in the world who I wanted to shield from every facet of pain in the world it is you... And though life is a cruel sham, I was certain I could protect you from everything... Unfortunately now I can't.
It sucks so much that the majority of our time has been spent apart. But as much as I say I hate it, it's better than never having been able to call myself yours in the first place! The months I've known you have been more enlightening, more touching than I've experienced before. At the very least you have been the most wonderful girlfriend I could have ever imagined, but you're so much more than that.
I do believe that you've had a more unjust life than you deserve!! Yet more proof of the unfairness of life... And everything bad you've ever thought about yourself I wish I could just erase, every untruth that you've believed should be banished. You're truly the most beautiful girl I know. You, you and your huge loving heart and your ever-present warmth... And your sneakiness and sense of humour!! You make me feel like a worthy person, you light up my day and my week and my LIFE. I want you to listen to me, I want you to keep all this in mind, that you are a truly amazing human being, and I feel more priveliged than ever for having met you, and you giving me the time of day!! Our meeting was pure fate, our bond is something nothing else can EVER match.
You just... You make the world spin around.
I guess there is no point in telling you how incredibly I feel love for you... But I hope you can always remember it... And remember me as the strange antipodean girl who loved you more than life!
I feel so terrible for doing this to you. Sometimes I have wished that we never met, PURELY because I never ever wanted to hurt you :( And I know I will... Have... By doing this. I am so sorry!!! I wish I could convey to you how I feel, and have some incredible justification for it all, but really all I can tell you is that I'm sorry. I wish that I could have put up with life for so much longer, I wish I could have had far more time with you. I will miss you, you more than anyone. I had to do this, there was NO other options left for me. I know that you know that life isn't all sweetness and roses... I don't expect you to fully understand, but I hope you can look past blaming me and at least sympathise with the fact that life is such that at it's very best was a painful effort, I just got sick of dealing with it.
And whatever you do, do NOT think that you IN ANY WAY were a factor... Don't think you could have done more, don't think you should have helped. Don't blame yourself in the least!!!! Because you were nothing but good for me, nothing but perfection. You were my shining ray of light, hope and sunshine. For a while I thought that having you could bring myself up to the level of amazingness that you are... But I should have never thought such a thing. I could NEVER be anything compared to anyone. I have been battling with issues within myself for so long... Granted I haven't exactly had a shitty upbringing, and I also fear you will judge me for what I've done based on my life so far... All I want is for you to accept it... It was always going to happen, whether you were around, whether you weren't, whether we were together 24/7 or whether we had the shittiest relationship in the world! Nothing can change it, it's destiny for me...
I just... Really don't want you to feel bad. I wish I could hug you and kiss you and be with you, be there for you, for this, this shock, this pain and this sadness. It's so ironic, but the thing I want most in death is to be there to comfort You.
I really have no idea what I'm talking about anymore.
With all the love that ever existed in my little heart...
YOUR Alex. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
