Date unknown: It seems like things keep happening to make me even more miserable. External incidents, ongoing strifes, and inner conflicts within myself. It's like life is telling me to give up. Why? It must know I'm walking on a tightrope of live above death. Every day now I imagine slipping away peacefully, with ot without a fellow life-ending companion. So few people die together, and so many die alone. I don't want to be one of those people.. But if circumstances force me to, then dead and along will always be better than alive and alone. I wonder what will happen? Another reason for my imminent death; powerful curiosity. Is death as unnoticeable as life, or does one feel it coming? Do I just fade away or does my spirit live on? Will I roam the earth forever? Or will I stay for 40 days and move on? Is there a heaven and a hell, or one communal afterlife? Will I meet the deity? Will I meet my grandparents? Will I finally be happy?
Yes, as ridiculous a reason as it seems, a factor in my impending suicide is my fascination about death. I don't want to wait and see. Why wait when I can find out now? I will know something that nobody else in the world nows. And nobody else will even begin to know it until they join me.
I must say, I hope I am able to roam the earth for a while before I (hopefully) move on to the other side. I like the idea of being able to say a final goodbye, and even just to see what it's like to influence people with my supernatural power.
Enough about post-death. Pre-death. What has led me to this? I hear of families ever wondering what drove their child or sibling to suicide. I don't want that. I want it clear. I know that no-one will ever be able to understand why I resorted to it, but at least they will know things which drove me to it, and not be plagued with guilt over things I didn't feel.
Ever since I first got depressed, around... 2000? I've thought about it. I remember lying in my bed all day thinking about it on all levels. It was so tempting. But I could see I had many things to live for. I had an excellent best friend, a dog that I loved more than anything... I was merely 13 and had high school ahead of me... I still wanted to know what it was like to kiss someone and feel chemistry, to feel love, to drink, do drugs, to go out at night. There were so many things I wanted to do. I lived with my dad, who was so kind and understanding and generous I couldn't bear to hurt him. He was the only one who seemed to know how I felt, or even seemed to care. And though that was just one person, one person was all I needed.
2001 was agony for me. My lack of ability to get to school was humiliating. I felt useless, weak and pathetic. But still I had things I wanted to achieve before my demise, and my father again who I couldn't hurt.
2002 saw the beginning of a new era. My 4th term in 4th form was a miserable one, of being alienated from the rest of the class I was in, but I knew 2002 would bring with it new friends. That year was one of my new experiences. The previous year I had struggled to come to terms with my sexuality with no-one to discuss it with, so this year I was keen to put theory to work. School was on and off, but at least I knew I was capable of getting there. I began to make great friends. I was going out, partying hard, and enjoying myself. I had a shortish relationship with a wonderful girl, and I felt ready to take on the world. The proverbial 'they' had put me on medication, and I was using superficial self-harm to cope with my feelings. All was good, and suicide only crossed my mind very rarely.
2003 is when it all went haywire. Pretty much straight into the school year I fixed my eye on someone and within a couple of months we were going out... However in April (?) my dad was given an ultimatum. Take your job to Auckland or be fired. Unfortunately he went. I was forced to move into my mother's house. My mother whom I deeply resented. Dad went to Auckland and my beloved dog was put into the care of my cruel half-sister. In a matter of weeks I had lost two incentives to life. The biggest love of my life, and the only one who ever understood me. That was the first step to misery. I quit drink and drugs for said girlfriend, but I missed it. My self-harm became less frequent, but much much deeper. I sent myself into minor shock once from it. Our relationships was always up and down. She was a volatile mood-bomb, and she confused me. But she was also the kindest, most caring, beautiful creature I knew. It made me very happy to be with her, and of course I fell in love. In not partying so much I had lost the value I felt from those friends, but that didn't matter. And although I hated myself (a consistence feeling since 1999) it didn't matter, cos I loved and was loved in return.
Until she dumped me.
I was coping as just friends, and coping very well until this year.
2004. Something clicked early this year... I don't know what, or why, but it did. Suddenly I missed her more than ever before; Powerfully and dengerously. All my friends now began to irritate me. I couldn't stand their presence for longer than a couple of hours. I was forced to watch my dog be neglected, my old house growing more run-down and dilapidated by the day. I had forgotten what it was like to have a parent who understood my feelings. I'd forgotten the love and care and warmth I felt from my father. I felt we had been torn apart as we hardly ever conversed anymore. And visiting him made it worse to have my eyes re-opened to what I was missing. 7th form brought with it questions of the future. What are you going to do next year? I heard this all the time. And looking about me, I was frightened by the prospect of adulthood. It looks exhausting, cruel, unrewarding. The adults I see lead such petty, futile lives. So mundane, every day the same. I hate it. I have no skills; no qualifications, and I can't even handle school, let alone a more regular and demanding job. I'm frightened of the future. Worse still, my best chum has a relationship imminent with a man who is everything I am or could hope to be, and more. He overshadows me. All day it's him him him, and I don't really mind despite it being the most debilitating emotional pain I have ever felt. I like to see her happy. Her happiness has always been more important than my own, and still is. That is not the issue. The issue is I am still terribly in love with her. The issue is, everything I'm worth can be matched by him, and when I've brought up my insecurities about being replaced she hasn't argued them. She says that if we do grow apart, she will have him to go to, whereas I have no-one. Precisely. I can't possibly move on while I'm still in love. I feel so unbelievably lonely. She is the one I've lived for this year, and now as I grow useless to her, nothing but a burden, I have no meaning.
I hate the person I have become. Stupid, sensitive, irrational, boring, ugly and depressing.
As I have outlined, you can see how one by one my reasons for life have gone. As I grow older I grow less willing to delve into a future where I am thick and unqualified. I have such an amazing sense of lonliness within m. I feel so guilty for inflicting myself and my problems on those around me. Everytime someone worries for me it's another stress I've caused them.
I hate myself.
I hate life.
I hate the way I feel.
I hate the future.
I hate the burden I am on everyone.
All this combined with my curiosity really only leads me to one thing, which you all are aware of now. I truly believe your lives will be better without me dragging you all down. There aren't enough adjectives in the world to describe my loathing for myself.
Hopefully this has shown you the reasons for my suicide. I don't want you asking 'why'. I love you all more than life itself. And I know you'll all be happier now that I'm gone.
