Should prove some light reading for that rainy day.
I've always wondered why people are so afraid of death. In fact I've always wondered why people aren't more afraid of life. When I look at the world around me it's beautiful and all, but it's just so horribly cruel. Life is an injustice. Look at all the pain and the suffering. And not just on the surface. Mental illness is rife. Stress levels are off the charts. Life's insane, I simply cannot bend my mind enough to understand why anybody is possibly pro-life. I've always been like this I think... It's just within being the age of knowing I can choose that suicide has become such a real prospect. Then along came the depression, the hatred for myself, my feelings, and everything around me, and that just decided it all for me. It's written in my fate, I swear. Life is such a bitch! I don't want to struggle to survive for nothing. What rewards are there for me? My life, my future, my days ahead depress me. I look around me and all I see are adults living lives that, to me, seem utterly pointless. I don't want to grow up and become embedded in the system, going about my rigid routine, all the days blurring into one non-descript haze. There is a lack of zest, spontaneity and passion in adults... A lack of the very essence of life, and I’m terrified that I’ll turn out like that one day. Sometimes the soul remains; I’ve seen it in one man. But life is such that it oppresses the soul, cages you… And all I see in that very person is a desire to escape a routine which he is bound to. I can't cope with life! I'm a weak one, a rebellious one. I am not putting up with all that shit just because everyone else does... I'd far rather end this feeling, this mood... End the stress and the strife... I'm nipping the struggle in the bud and topping myself because I am shit-scared of the future.
Another, less sinister reason for my imminent death is powerful curiosity. Yes, as ridiculous a reason as it seems, a factor in my impending suicide is my fascination with death. I don't want to wait and see what happens. Why wait when I can find out now? I will know something that nobody else in the world knows. And nobody else will even begin to know it until they join me.
I hear of families ever wondering what drove their child or sibling to suicide. I don't want that. I want it clear. I know that no one will ever be able to understand why I resorted to it, but at least I shall try to lighten any guilt you might have over things I didn't feel. Believe me, you have done everything you could do and more, and I thank you from the very depths of my warmest aorta for that. The problems I have with life are not ones that can be settled with the help of others. They are my own issues, my own feelings, and my own inner conflicts. I don't expect anyone to feel guilty about my actions, because they are just that: MY actions.
Life has always been a mystery for me. On those long nights that seem to stretch on for eternity I find myself wondering about the meaning of it all. Look at us, humans. Scurrying across the planet raping nature and ruining life for every other life-form on the planet. We sit here and we try and try and try, and then what? Perhaps we're happy and successful, granted, but in the end everyone is dead. I just cannot be bothered with all that gander in between. For the past six years I've changed so much, as a person, as an entity. But there's one thing that's remained the same, constant and niggling for the entire time; and that is my depression. I often wonder why hell was bestowed on me. What did I do in a past life to deserve being tortured in this way? It's like a burning hatred for myself, a loathing for life and an inability to just... be happy, pleased, even slightly chirpy. I thought I was handling it. 2002 onwards seemed incredibly hopeful for me, and 2003 was undoubtedly the best year of my adolescent life. But it was in 2004 that things started reverting. The gloom came back, the doom, the depression. I sat and watched those around me change, and move on, and all I could do was sit, stuck in the treacle of life and wish I could join them. My feelings are debilitating. Since '04 I've been on a downward spiral, that looks set to crash into the ground any time soon.
For the most part of 2004 I felt incredibly lonely. I mean I had been dumped by this girl I loved so much in December? October? I don't know, some time late 2003, and though I still felt incredibly strongly for her I was forced to see her everyday and know what I was missing out on. Come August 2004 I was set to kill myself as soon as I came back from the trip overseas. Luckily, I suppose, I met Stéphanie in London. I was so sure that if I found someone I was really into, and who was really into me, that I would be cured. I've always been a loving sort of person, and not having anyone around to be on the brunt of my soppy caring moments was so painful that I truly believed that if anyone would have me, everything would be right in the world... Much like it was in 2003. Initially this applied. But nothing can save me from myself, and inevitably I've been slipping further and further down as the incline becomes steeper and steeper.
I'm just SICK of feeling like this. No matter who I'm with, what I'm doing, there's a permanent black cloud over my mind. I can pick up people's emotions like nothing else, and receive all their good vibes, but then the moment I'm alone they just fly away and I'm left with my overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.
I live for short term goals, and one by one I achieve them. I have little more than a few months set in stone before I start living purely on how I feel at the time, and I’m totally prepared and more than half expecting suicide to be the path that opens before me. I can feel it now, so I’m writing this note in advance. Life is a series of problems to solve. Once you're done with one, BANG! Along comes another. And quite frankly I cannot be bothered. If life is to be as fruitless and unrewarding as I see it now, and if I am going to be feeling like this for much longer, I just don't want to put up with it any more. One knows they have lost hope when breathing in and out becomes a chore, and a hassle. For me, right now and for the past I don't know how many years, it has been. Aside from being sick of life, I’m very lonely. Yes, cliché suicide note topic has arisen. I have great friends, and I don’t think I deserve them. But they are excellent to me. But somehow inside me I still have this horrible gaping hole, a patch which can’t be filled, not with anyone. It’s painful. Like I’m missing someone who has taken a part of me, an important part of me. And I know they’ll never come back. I don’t know if it’s just because I feel misunderstood, or what… But I feel so isolated from the rest of my friends. I hate it. All I want is to feel loved and cared for, and I know they DO. But something inside me is not right… It feels like I’m shutting them out in a way. And I know not how to tear down my wall and open up. It pisses me off, feeling like I have no friends but knowing I do.
I always remember in form 2 when my mental-ness first started showing through. And I'd come back to school after a fortnight and be greeted with a snide and nasty comment from the teacher. I feel kind of like that happens every day. Things keep happening to make me even more miserable. You know, I make an effort, I try the hardest I possibly can, but the only reward I get is not a reward at all. It's a reminder that life is shitty, that life will treat me shitty, and expecting anything good from it is not worth the effort, because only bad can ever happen, and WILL happen. It's like life is telling me to give up.
You will probably think I am a coward or a bitch. Or that I have ‘so much to live for’. Maybe to other people I seem worth it, but inside my skin I feel absolutely not. I have a hopeless future of depression ahead of me, a depression which has persisted me for years and not got any better. It’s terrible having this underlying sadness all the time, infecting good times and taking over my mind when I’m on my own to bring me down to a black mood. It just makes me hateful and angry. No, I can't be bothered.
The depression will never go away. People sit there, with well-meaning smiles on their faces, and touch my arm. 'It won't be like this forever Alex'. Won't it now? Well hey, it's been relentless for this long, and shows no signs of getting better. It's getting worse for god's sake!! I look around and I see people who HAVE been feeling like this their entire lives. Weak people, who just endure it. I hate feeling like this, I hate the sadness and the hate. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I mean look at me. Alex is not set to achieve anything much, is she? Do you know how humiliating it is to know I'm a bloody gifted child and then be so incapable of achieving at school? Letting all my family down? I know they always expected me to achieve, school used to be so easy for me, but somehow it just became... Impossible. Nobody seems to understand that. And then having my little job at Ryman Healthcare, trying SO HARD to do well at that. But no, I can't do anything right, so I failed at that too. And to have to face the utter... Resentful disappointment of my mother, to have her sit there and realise that her only daughter is a useless fuck-up, it was really painful. I only ever wanted to please anyone, I only did anything for everyone else. But no matter how hard I tried I would always put a foot wrong, and then suddenly everyone thinks I'm this dumbass retard again who can't tie her own shoelaces.
I can't even get a job because of who I am. I try to be myself and then I get opressed for it. Society hates me, because I'm different. Because I'm gay, because I'm stupid, because I have tattoos. Because I don't fit into every single mould that society tries to stuff us through. I don't have long blonde hair, blue eyes and a skinny waist. I'm only 17 and I've already experienced what it is to be discriminated against just for who I am... Society is fucked, and I do not want to spend the rest of my life here being pushed and shoved and stomped into the dirt.
Honestly, I don't know why anyone even bothers! We live, we suffer, we die. I really just cannot be fucked with the effort.
When I sit alone at night I think about myself. Being the true narcissist I am. I get confused, because on the one hand I do like who I've become. This selfless, caring sort of girl, an individual who I believe only wants good for everyone around me, and I know I try my hardest to help everyone. But on the other hand, I'm pathetic. I'm useless. I try too hard for something I never get. I'm so awfully dependent on people, and so STUPID I can't even do well with anything I do. Nothing ever goes peachy for me, because I'll always find a way to sabotage myself. I hate that I'm so weak. I hate that I can't do anything more.
One thing I TRULY despise about myself is my sexuality. Not my gayness mind, I'd far rather be a dyke than anything else. But being asexual in a world of sex is HARD. You have no idea. Every day I feel like scum, like a subhuman species. I feel soulless and wrong, broken. Because I don't fit in, and nobody else even bothers to try to understand it. I hate it. I loathe it. Don't laugh, because sex makes me want to kill myself. And it has played a VERY large factor in my suicide.
I just... I can't be bothered. Nobody can help me, nobody makes it better. I'm doomed to a life of feeling like a shitty piece of sputum stuck to the bottom of somebody's boot. I've tried medications and counselling, positive thinking exercises. I've tried sleeping regularly, I've tried self harm, I've tried drugs and religion and distraction, but you know what? There is NOTHING out there that can make me feel like a worthy human being. I'm merely hanging on to the rest of you, dragging you down, holding you back. I'm a hindrance to the earth. I'm a sorry excuse for a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend. I hate myself and I can't understand why nobody else does too.
I want the blackness to stop. I want to darkness to lift away and reveal bright sunshine and fluffy bunnies. If I had a magic pill, Dr DelArio, I would be happy. And the dark days would be gone. That is what I want. But I know that's never going to happen.
I didn't set out to hurt anyone. The only reason I've lived as long as I have is because I was insistent on living for you. I never wanted to cause anyone pain. So I continued. I endured life, and perpetual unhappiness this long. And I realise I have hurt you all. I'm so sorry. I can't tell you how sorry I am.
But it was always going to happen. I've always known that I would kill myself at some stage or another, and I've become so nonchalant about it all that I kindof think that it's the normal, right thing to do. I really don't want people sitting around going 'oh she had her whole life ahead of her, it's such a waste!' because honest to god, it's not. I DON'T have my whole life ahead of me. I have a sham of an existence. I have no goals, I have no desires, no future, no wants, no plans. I actually DON'T WANT to live. I don't want to face life. I don't feel up to it. I mean, look at it this way. If a cat is suffering you put it down. Yes? I'm suffering... So fucking put me down!!!! It's not complicated. I will resent if you think I've done something stupid. You don't know how I feel, you don't know my battles or my inner demons. If you did, I feel positive you would all want to kill yourself too. Don't tell me I'm stupid for what I've done, I'm merely doing what was right for me.
Death is my only option.
I can't work. I'm too monged to work. I can't handle it, I can't deal with it. But I can't sit at home doing nothing either.
I can't be in a relationship. I can't give someone something that they seem to require. I can't allow you to show me your love in this way that for some reason the whole world enjoys. But then I can't NOT be in a relationship, because feeling lonely is the worst feeling in the world.
I can't enjoy. I want to have fun, I have fun, but then I'm back to square one again, moping around being miserable because some fucker of a god decided to pick on me.
There's only one choice really.
I've been blessed so far in life with this family and friends who I love. I'm grateful. But no amount of love and blessings can help me feel better about life or my journey through it. You can understand that, right? I truly believe your lives will be better without me dragging you all down. There aren't enough adjectives in the world to describe my loathing for myself. I feel so guilty for inflicting my self and my problems on those around me. Every time someone worries for me it's another stress I've caused them.
You’re the most wonderful people on earth. I look at celebrities and I think 'yeah, that's nice, but I pity them because they haven't met the people I've met, or know the people I know'. I believe that everyone who doesn't have you in their life is far worse off because of it. I love you so much, more than you can even comprehend; The love I feel for you is so powerful, it scares me sometimes. The emotions it invokes in me... Love is such a powerful thing. Use it carefully, but in excess.
It breaks my heart to hurt you all. I know you tried, and I should have tried harder.
But I will be much happier in death than in life, a huge relief bestows upon me, a tide of passing pain retreats. At last I'll be at peace with myself, and not feeling so terrible all the time. I love to sleep... And now I can sleep forever.
Farewell everyone.
