The Everything Tom Disclaimer:

Introduction This is the complete Tom disclaimer. If you intend to converse with me and are easily offended, read this first. This has been written as a general overview of me and speaking. If you hate me, that is fine too. If you like hating me, then reading this probably won't do you any good anyway; so I advise you to not waste your time.

Me (a summary)
I am an opinionated person. I have many strong points of view and even more false strong points of view. I enjoy playing the devil's advocate; my daily conversations are saturated with heavy sarcasm. I also enjoy humor and ranting. Some people like other sorts of communication and find ranting to be a waste of time; they will in some cases, not enjoy my character.

I have said many things that handle the topic at hand carefully and mildly when I feel it calls for it. I have ranted, usually just to be humorous; these words have been twisted by a few, received badly by many and misinterpreted by more still. This is something I cannot help. I write what strikes me, and I write with the mood I am in.

The bottom line is that you will never be forced to speak to me and if you are disturbed by my writing or loathe me, you might have a smoother and happier day if you just ignore me. I never IM to "troll", if I am playing devil's advocate I try to make it plain, if I am just ranting or being sarcastic, I try to make that plain as well. I would be happy to let somebody make myself vanish from your life so not be bothered with me and not be poisoned by my abrasive words.

Everyone is fully entitled to their own opinions. Some opinions I find offensive or annoying and I will respond in kind. Sometimes I write perspectively offensive material and I am always aware that people will respond as they see fit. Certain opinions I feel more strongly about than others.

Please also don't act shocked if I berate you for twisting my words around in order to make insinuations, or if you choose to get offended by something I say and attack me. I do not condemn attacking me or my words, nor do I condemn having an opposing opinion, but if you wish to insult me, please do it to my face and do it in an intelligent manner, that is all I ask. Calling me a troll, a &%!@# or an attention monger is just annoying and childish.

Once I have stated my opinion, and if I was angered, blown off my steam, I will generally return to being the cheerful happy-go-lucky chap that I am. I have difficulty holding grudges. If you want to hold a grudge with me, please give me sufficient notice as to your intentions. Once I have put something behind me, I no longer give it thought and will be taken off guard by your hostilities. If you say you have buried the hatchet with me, keep it buried. If I see it again after you have said or implied that it is all but 6 feet under, I will immediately attempt to lodge it in your skull (metaphorically speaking of course). Nothing pisses me off more than people who whine and hold little grudges that cause them to randomly spout slanderous insinuations and childish insults once they have said that its over with.

To my stalkers
If you are smarter than me, I am very happy for you. If you are more pious than me, I am also thrilled for your good fortune. If you are more cunning, devious and witty than I am, you have my heartfelt congratulations. If you are more mature than me, again I tip my hat to you.

If you are any or all of these things and have nothing better to do than constantly try to prove it to me or rub it in my face because you think I am a big fat jerk, my assessment would be that you probably need more fulfilling stimuli in your fragile world. I argue the point and nothing more. I do not go out of my way to say things just to make a certain person angry. If I disagree with what you say, I may say so to you in my message, but I will also share my overall opinion on the matter and any facts that see pertinent to the subject at hand.

If there is just no way for me to make someone happy short of a full written apology filled with self-debasement and complete with self imposed exile from the earth; they will have to get used to disappointment.

In short, I am just here to have a good time. There is a small list (apparently getting smaller) of people here whom enjoy my off kilter and wholesome sense of humor. Fear not, for once I have completely exhausted my supply of diligent friends and cease to amuse anyone any longer, I will probably go elsewhere for the sake of the whole.

Most, if not all, of the above text is a modified version of The all-purpose moJoe disclaimer fit to the circumstances.