So, you wanna know a little about me. Well, the beauty of the internet in anonymity, buster. So there.

Okay, okay. Here we go. I am of a certain age, and a certain gender. Until this year, I lived in a town that is statistically proven by the FBI to be the safest city in America, every year. I wear glasses. I drive a car. If you know any more than that, it'll just be creepy. You'll start thinking that we're best friends, you'll want to hang out all the time, and I'll have to start ditching your phone calls. And we wouldn't want that, would we?

Time for the typical list of likes/dislikes. This is my first webpage, so I feel obligated to include every cliche. I enjoy whimsy, and anything that doesn't take itself too seriously. Right now I'm a fan of: Eminem, Cowboy Bebop, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Harry Potter, Seanbaby, Kitty-Chan, Maxim & Stuff, M. Night Shyamalan, The Beatles, The Onion, GTA Vice City (in fact, anything from Rockstar Games), Jackass, Pokemon, Dali and Escher, Photography, The Boondocks, That 70's Show, GIF images, Moulin Rouge, NetFlix, Michael Jackson, Kingdom Hearts and the Powerpuff Girls. I hate far too many things to even pretend to have time for, but rest assured the list includes the electoral college, FreeVibe.com commercials, and yo mama. Snap-crackle-pop!

I'm not allowed to keep a cat, so I've included some of my favorite ones on this page. It's my page, and I don't care what you think.
I think that it's sad how people just kind of ignored Attack of the Clones. It was a far superior film to Phantom Menace in every way. Even Aaron McGruder liked Episode II, and that's saying a lot. Anakin can act, they let Amidala get all flushed and breathy (that corset!), and not only does Yoda get down with his bad self, he kicks some serious ass. People have been waiting to see Yoda with a lightsaber for 20 fucking years, and they're not excited about this movie? I'm guilty myself. I saw Menace at least four times, and I only saw Episode II once. I think George knew that we were a little bit burned by Menace, so he tried even harder this time. Even so, maybe this is what he gets for subjecting us to Jar Jar.

In closing, I would like to ask everyone to drop an email to your congress rep and let them know that you don't want to go to war. Just a short note like "We don't want war" or "Get Osama, not Iraq" or even "Fuck you, you warmongering bastards. Don't start a fucking war, you little-prick monsters of humanity." I don't care. Just make your opinion known. This is our country too, and we've got to stop letting conservative 40 year old soccer moms in Iowa make all our choices for us. UPDATE: TOO LATE! I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've taken all I can take and I can't takes no more. I've had it up to here ^ with these psuedo-intellectuals who proclaim reality TV as the decline of civilization as we know it. Every Fox premiere is a sign of the impending apocalypse to these brainiacs, and anybody who enjoyed Joe Millionaire is a schmuck who's lucky their knuckles don't scrape the pavement. Well, I’m putting my foot down once and for all. Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
For whatever reason, everyone seems to think that admitting you watch reality TV is akin to admitting a secret relationship with a first cousin. Everybody denies, but somebody sure as hell is doing it. You don’t believe me? Joe Millionaire is the number 2 ranked show of the entire season, going all the way back to last September. American Idol and Survivor make up places 4 through 7.
I’m not saying that every series is a gem. I’ve never been able to stomach an entire episode of The Real World, and nobody even got married on Married By America. But to hate all reality shows because of a few bad apples is like me hating all sitcoms because Will & Grace sucks. Remember what Donny Osmond said.
So what makes a good reality TV show? Considering that every documentary or episode or Trading Spaces you’ve ever watched is technically reality TV, it’s difficult to say. Let’s narrow it down to the typical Survivor/American Idol/Bachelor type shows that you’re already thinking about, shall we?
The first priority is a good host. When Fox tries to foist Leeza Gibbons on us as a ‘celebrity host,’ we smell a rat. Either get a big name, or get a scantily clad hottie (male or female). No other options are acceptable. If applicable, your exemption games must require the FDA recommended daily serving of conniving, backstabbing and betrayal. Next, you need a killer elimination ceremony. Suspense, public humilation and shattered dreams are all prerequisites for this, whether it’s a dating show or American Idol. Most importantly, you need a unique gimmick. If you just completely remake last season’s hit, nobody’s going to buy it. (See Am I Hot? and Fame) And if you can squeeze “America” into the title then you’ve hit gold, baby.
So mix it all together and what do you get? Last Comic Standing: The Search for the Funniest Person in America.

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