Cowboy Bebop
Some people call me the space cowboy...

Photo Comics
It's like a comic, but with photos.

Cheesecake
A little something for the ladies. And the men.

MST3K
Upcoming: My episode guide to the greatest show ever created.

Johnny the Homicidal Maniac
Meet Johnny. (Bet you thought I was gonna say "Heeeeeeere's Johnny!")

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About
A little bit about me

As you can probably tell by the oh-so-topical Jackass: The Movie review below, I don't get the chance to update too often, the reason being that I always get a little too ambitious planning articles, which become so intensive that I never have time to actually write them. So from now on, I'll be going in a slightly bloggier direction. Don't get too scared though. You're much more likely to hear about upcoming DVD releases than what color socks I am wearing. Two big articles in the works: A play-by-play comparison of my thoughts on the major trilogies coming out, including Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Terminator and The Matrix. With special bonus fourth installments of Mad Max and Indiana Jones!
For Harry Potter fans, I've got a huge article planned about the corrupting message J.K. Rowling is sending about our nation's most precious resource, mandrake roots. Stay tuned.

23.7.03

Now...it's personal...
After Dave's elimination, the remains of the coalition was devastated, but they were relieved to have survived the final elimination. Then Jay Mohr gave them the good news: One more comic would be eliminated in another head to head challenge, but this time there's a twist. No one would earn exemption, and the choosen comic would not be picking their own challenger.
Cory was panicked. After winning the final exemption, she had allowed herself to relax and was unprepared to compete. Rich, still reeling from his "bad breakup" with Dave, brooded around the house making snarky comments. Tess spent the day in front of the mirror reapplying the same lip gloss over and over, and Geoff ran around the house asking everyone to vote for him. Ralphie was as annoyingly unperturbed as usual, and Dat went through his entire kung fu, meditation and rehearsal routine all over again. Fresh off his win against Dave the night before, he carried himself with a confidence that threw the other comics, though they tried to dismiss it.
When the votes were tallied, Geoff got his wish. The comics unanimously voted for Geoff to compete, except for Dat, who voted for Cory. In a surprise twist, the four eliminated comics were brought back to decide who woulf face off against Geoff. Let's take a moment to meet our judges:
Sean the Cancer Cowboy: The first comic eliminated, this cowboy was painfully unfunny. By that, I mean that his act was comprised mainly of jokes about his ordeal with cancer, which is both painful and unfunny. By the first night, he had alienated everyone in the house. After fueding with Rich, he challenged him to a friendly game of tennis, where Sean purposely pegged Rich with a tennis ball. Cory mocked him for his ridiculous choice of headwear (10 gallon, above) which Sean defended by playing the cancer card. Later, after Cory put a lot of hard work into organizing dinner for everyone, Sean critized the quality of the meal, which further angered everyone, particularly Ralphie. Obviously, food is a subject dear to Ralphie's heart, and in his head-to-head challenge to Sean, he said "I'm having trouble deciding if [Sean] is a bitch ass punk or a punk ass bitch." As the votes against him piled up, Sean began to twitch violently and make tiny clicking noises, which perhaps was intended to psych out his opponent. Or maybe he's just a twitchy, bitchy freak.
Tere Joyce: Tere (snowflake, above)spent most of her time in the house soaking in the hot tub. (As difficult to fathom as it is, that hair looks even worse when it's wet) At this point, there were 9 sloppy comics to cook for and clean up after, and Tere's laziness was not appreciated. Cory was constantly asking Tere to do things like remove her nasty white hair from the drains, or to wash a dish or two. Tere threw a big pity party and complained (and complained and complained) that Cory was picking on her. Tere was closest with fellow outcast Dat, who informed her ahead of time that he would be challenging her. As Cory said, "Last week it was about who's the most annoying. This week, it's about who does the dishes." When Tere was voted into the head-to-head, she choose to compete against Cory. She seemed surprised that Dat had voted for her, smacking him and saying "Fuck you Dat!" when she heard, despite the fact that he had warned her. Cory and Tere made peace just before the head-to-head, and the competition was fierce. Ultimately, Cory's jokes about Foxy Brown's "ill nana" ("What? Sick grandmother, right?") won out over Tere whining about her primal scream therapy.
Rob Cantrell: An elementary school teacher's aide, Rob probably reminds you of a few guys you went to high school with. New to comedy, he didn't tell jokes so much as string together bizarre non-sequiters that were nonetheless hilarious. If you liked Rob, you'll probably like Mitch Hedberg. And you're probably a stoner.
Dat Phan was "marked for termination," to paraphrase Tess, in the thried round of eliminations. Dat surprised everyone and destroyed hours of coalition work by winning the exemption that week, which meant that there was little time to choose a new victim. Ultimately, the vote was based on "comedy seniority" and Rob was choosen. Seemingly resigned to elimination, Rob choose to compete against Ralphie, arguably the most threatening challenger in the group. This choice earned him considerable respect among the other comics, who dispaired to see him leave. Ralphie told him he had balls, which came across as incredibly arrogant, and that seemed to further reinforce Rob's conviction that he would lose. Once he hit the stage, he was frenetic and fun, and uttered what is quite possibly the greatest punchline in history, "Nobody wants to screw a Bobert." Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to overcome Ralphie's ghetto slang and race jokes (how original!) and Rob was sent packing.
Dave Mordal:

16.7.03

TAKE DAT!
Last night, in a surprising upset on Last Comic Standing, up and comer Dat Phan beat out veteran comic/Marine Dave Mordal to become one of the final six contestants with an overwhelming 70% of the votes. All of the hard work that the coalition of Cory, Dave and Rich "The Don" Vos did to get rid of Dat was for naught. Take Dat, suckers. Good luck Dave, we'll miss you. In case you couldn't tell, I'm a Dat Fan. ^_~
In other news, get ready for my new review of the best movie of the summer. (Here's a hint. It's rated ARRRRRR!)

11.7.03
I'm working on a HUGE article on Last Comic Standing. Watch for it in the coming weeks, hopefully before the show's finale! Now scroll down and read about Hulk.
I realized that I haven't mentioned anything about HP yet. *fan girl mode* Harry Potter: The Order of the Phoenix is awesome. It's quite a read (870 pages!) but it's definitely worth it. I would recommend it to anyone, but if you've never read any HP books, it's not the one to start with. Start from the beginning. If you want to cheat, you can watch the movies and start from Book 3 (HP: The Prisoner of Azkaban) *end fan girl mode*

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7.7.03
For Independence Day I went to a rollicking and rolling fireworks show. Click the link for the suprisingly face-rocking pictures.
Coming up: Tonight is the 2 hour finale of NBC's For Love or Money. Tomorrow don't forget Last Comic Standing on NBC, or catch the repeat Saturday on Comedy Central. Expect a full review of 28 Days and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle soon.

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30.6.03
Saw Hulk. (Not The Incredible Hulk, or The Hulk, just Hulk) My guess is they named it thusly so that anybody talking about the movie would sound like ol' Hulky himself. "Saw Hulk. Hulk good. Rarrr!" My experience with the Incredible Hulk is of the Ferrigno/Bixby canon, never having read the comic books, and I've always felt a very strong kinship with poor Dr. Banner. (anyone having seen me lose my temper will easily deduce why.) For me, it's always been about the raging animal that resides within everyone, and the lengths that we must go to keep it caged. Hulk has always been a tragic hero, not like that boring do-gooder Superman or whiny Spidey. Hulk's got real problems. Unfortunately, some of his fire and pain is lost in the transition to the big screen.
Don't get me wrong. Ang Lee does an incredible job, using innovative split screens and breathtaking cinematography to capture the comic book feel. Purists will be pleased, even if some liberties have been taken with Hulk's origins. Jennifer Connelly is achingly beautiful, as always, but seems a little out of place as Betty Ross, the love interest. Nick Nolte gives his best performance since...well, since before I can remember. Australian Eric Bana takes the role of Bruce, with his 'roided up CGI double playing the big man himself. The CGI is very cartoonish, but without looking completely unrealistic.
Definitely worth seeing, if only to purge the memory of the overrated Spiderman and abysmal Daredevil. Be warned however: Not once do we get to hear Hulk utter his immortal line "Hulk SMASH!" Bruce gets to hit his signature catchphrase, but you'll have to be bilingual to get it. For an excellent, in depth review, check out: A Year At The Movies by Mystery Science Theater 3000's Kevin Murphy.

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Jackass: The Movie

Much ballyhoo has been made over all of the under-aged morons copying Jackass stunts and getting all of our fun TV time revoked. Every advertisment for this movie spends more time reminding you not to copy their stunts than showing any actual stunts. Disclaimer-happy writers have even taken to adding warnings to their reviews of Jackass, just in case their compelling words hypnotize impressionable youth, like the show on the TV picture-box. To remain cutting edge, I have followed suit. Please read the following very carefully before continuing:

WARNING: The stunts performed in Jackass: The Movie were performed by, or under the supervision of, trained professionals. If you should be tempted to imitate, emulate or recreate any of these acts, pause and look around. Are you being shadowed by a full camera crew, a medic, and a shadowy fleet of MTV attorneys in black suits, carrying briefcases filled with legal waivers, unmarked bills and solid gold dancers? If not, then put the matches down and take your weiner out of the bear trap. No one wants to see your ass get mangled. Correction: No one is going to pay to see your ass get mangled.

Now then, with that out of the way, ON WITH THE REVIEW! The opening sequence says everything. "Everything" being: "You think this is going to be a 90 minute version of the show? Ha. Eat this, bitch." And you will eat it, and you will like it. Bitch. You will have images burned into your retina for days after this movie.
There's no plot to speak of, but each bit forms a part of the cohesive whole. There's tension, suspense, climax (you'll never look at a matchbox car the same again), redemption, and finally, closure. The boys have said goodbye to Jackass, so this is your last chance. Don't miss it on the big screen, because there's nothing compared to a thirty-foot, towering, bloody scalp full of stiches and hair. A must see!

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An open letter to Christina Aguilera:
Hey Xtina-

Remember when Eminem implied that you are a slut?

And your own grandmother said "You look like a whore"?

They were, like, totally wrong. You go girl.
.....................................................
If you pay close attention during Christina's new soft-core-wank-flick video, you'll catch a glimpse into her other sexy hobbies. Two of the Thai posters seen during Christina's boxing-ring-s&m-lookhowmuchdirtierIamthanBritney montage translate into: "Young Underage Girls" and "Thailand's Sex Tourism". Christina's record label has issued an apology. According the the Associated Press, the Thai government plans to take action if the video is damaging the country's reputation. How skanky do you have to be to damage the repuation of an entire country? And, more to the point, how bad does something have to be to embarass a body of powerful officials that allow the prostitution of young girls and the mass marketing of supple female flesh? But enough about Christina's label execs. Oh, snap!

Score:
Juli:1
Xtina:0

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This statue, entitled "Tumbling Woman" was recently on display in NY's Rockefeller Center. Intended as a tribute to all those who jumped or fell to their deaths at the World Trade Center, the statue was removed amid complaints from survivors, employees, tourists, passersby and just about everyone who saw the piece. Most felt that the statue was too graphic, and in bad taste.

Is this piece a conscious choice to display the most gratuitously graphic theme possible, just to generate hype? Or is it simply a poignant, if violent, reminder of a very violent day?

While this statue probably shouldn't be displayed six blocks from ground zero, it does have merit as a tribute to those that lost their lives. Since it will probaby never see the light of day again after the controversy, this may be your only chance to experience this particular piece of "art".

And now, the cynical version...

Whatever happened to "We Will Never Forget"? Or was that only in reference to the heroics? People died that day. Violently. Gruesomely. Messily. Painfully. Don't we owe it to the victims to remember that?

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Talk to the hand, poochie.

In marionette related news, rapp supastar Eminem was accosted by a vicious German Shepard puppet at MTV's horrendous Video awards.

In all honestly, I'm usually a fan of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. During Thursday's performance, however, he represented the lowest point in a 100 car pile-up of low points.

If you tuned in the MTV's masturbatory fashion show, you were treated to mistreatment of the King of Pop, Jimmy Fallon salivating over Brandi's lactating breasts, and, of course, a puppet nearly starting a brawl between two pretty fragile looking white guys.

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