Organist Jobs

Position 1

• Holy Apostolic Pentecostal Charismatic Fundamental evangelical Right of Truth Rod of God Church of Holiness seeks a Minister of Salvation Through Music.

Organ:

• We have 1945 Hammond (plans are being made to purchase a 1966 Allen).

Qualifications:

• The organist must not be a Catholic, Jew, or other unbeliever.
• The organist must believe that the Bible is God's inerrant word and that every word is exactly true; and when Matthew and Luke disagree in Jesus' geneology; or when Leviticus forbids a man to marry his brother's widow and Deuteronomy orders him to marry her; then it is our own mind that is at fault, for when faith speaks, then reason must be silent.
• The organist must have an I.Q. approximating that of a snowcone.
• The organist must be heterosexual. Leviticus outlines how we must treat the sexually aberrant, so don't talk to us about "Christian Forgiveness." The Sermon on the Mount tells us that we must destroy iniquity and that Jesus is capable of forgiving only good Christians.

Duties:

• The organist directs the three adult choirs: the Noah's Flood Choir, the Garden of Eden Choir, and the Smite The Heathen Choir.
• In addition, there are seven youth choirs, each named after a Plaque of Egypt: the Frog Choir, the Pimples Choir, and so forth.

Compensation:

• We pay $6.00 weekly.
• The organist is expected to tithe 50% of this to the church.
• Annual re-baptism (towel not provided).

For further information, contact The Reverend Billy Bob Snodgrass c/o WGOD-AM.

Position 2

• Our Blessed Virgin of Perpetual Regeneration. We are a small Catholic parish of 3500 and are looking for an organist/cantor/music director.

Organ:

• We have a four-manual, 135-rank, 1925 E.M. Skinner organ.
• The instrument has needed re-leathering since 1954 and will be operable once we get the funds.
• The organ maintenance fund, begun in 1957, now has $16.59.
• Until the remaining $137,000 is raised, the organist can utilize the Baldwin FunMachine in the rear gallery.

Qualifications:

• The organist must not be a Protestant, Jew, or other unbeliever.
• The organist must accept the word of God as being of primary importance, second only to the whims of the head priest.
• As to weddings, the organist must be guided by the bride's favorite CD of the three tenors and forget that nonsense about musical integrity.

Duties:

• The organist plays the following masses: Saturdays at 1:00 p.m., 3:00 p.m., 5:00 p.m., 9:00 p.m., and 1:00 a.m.; and Sundays at 4:00 a.m., 6:00 a.m., 9:00 a.m., Latin Mass at 10:00 a.m., Spanish Mass at 11:00 a.m., Polish Mass at12:00 noon, Gaelic Mass at 1:00 p.m., and the 3:00 p.m. Hootenanny.
• The 8:00 p.m. Bingo Mass is optional.
• The organist also plays weekday Novenas, devotions, and Rosaries from 6:00 a.m. til 8:00 p.m.
• The organist is responsible for all holy days, weddings, funerals, baptisms, confessions, etc. (without extra compensation, of course.)
• The organist also directs the Palestrina Choir (five old ladies and one old man) and the Schola Guitarum.

Compensation:

• We pay Grace and Indulgence, as cash is of no use to a servant of God.

For further information, contact Fr. Patrick O'Shaughnessy, Fr. Giovanni Battista Ferrari, or Fr. Wozelewski Szymenozski.

Position 3

• Temple of Krishna Consciousness

Organ:

• Made of bamboo, elephant tusks, and monkey dung, it used to be a practice instrument at the University of Michigan.
• The organist must not be a Christian, Jew, or other unbeliever. The organist must accept the avatars of Brahma, Vishnu, and Siva.
• The organist must not be an Untouchable or have been a spider or snake in a previous life.
• The organist must have four arms.

Duties:

• The organist must play at all Ganges baptisms, at all sacrifices of virgins to the goddess Kali, and in all airport lobbies.

Compensation:

• We can arrange it so that in your next life you'll be something other than an organist.

For further information, please shake your beads in a counterclockwise motion while chanting, dancing, and fasting.

Position 4

• Thoreau Unitarian-Universalist Church of Trees, Flowers, Whales, and Alternate Lifestyles seeks somebody to keep the volunteer choir occupied before and after the sermon.

Organ:

• New $3,500,000 state-of-the-art tracker action 18-manual UberKlipschstadt.

Duties:

• 11:00 a.m. Sunday service - summers and all local, regional, and national holidays free.
• Attendance at annual "Blessing of the Pets" (even though it's outdoors, we want solidarity).
• Play the hymns and whatever else you want, but for God's sake (can we say that?), keep out of the minister's way and don't finish past noon.
• Play something recognizable as music during the offertory.
• Keep your hands off anyone who hasn't reached the legal age of consent.

Compensation (based on degree and relevant experience):

• B.M. - $11,000
• M.M. - $11,500
• Ph.D. - $12,000
• Ph.D. and 10+ years of experience - $13,000 and discounted bagels from the shop owned by the Co-Goddess (chairperson) of the Standing Committee.

For further information, contact the Search Committee c/o Edgartown Inn, Martha's Vineyard.

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