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Musical Humor

This is just a fraction of the collection of Musical Jokes I have available. Most of them I have compiled from the following website:

Sir Thomas Beecham, a very famous conductor of yesteryear, is credited with the following quote to a cellist who was under-performing during rehearsal: "Madam, you hold between your legs the means to provide exquisite pleasure to man. I'd be most grateful if you'd stop scratching it during my rehearsal"

Sir Thomas also had this comment for a soprano who wasn't doing so well compared to the chorus: "Madam, I think they're gaining on you".

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? The fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why should you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin? You might bend the nail.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.
Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to set his beer.
What is the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own clarinet.
Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?He's too sensitive.
Why do bands have bass players?To translate for the drummer.
What's the definition of a alto? A soprano who can read music.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him some sheet music.
Why do bagpipe players walk while playing? To get away from the noise.
What is the definition of a half-step?Two oboes playing in unison.
How do you get a violinist to play tremolo? Write a whole note and mark it 'Solo.'

Jokes by Instrument Class: [Strings] [Woodwinds] [Brass] [Keyboard] [Percussion] [Vocal] [Folk/Pop/Rock] [General]

Click here for the Page-Turner's Program Notes

Click here for Orchestra Personnel Standards

Click here for the Musician's Math Quiz

Click here to view Comments from EFFICIENCY & TICKET, LTD.

Click here for the Lightbulb Jokes

Click here to take the Entrance Exam for Violists for the BBC Orchestra

Click here to see The Young Lutheran's Guide to the Orchestra

Click here to read The Players' Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line

Click here to read Acts 29 - The Stoning of the Organist

Click here for the top most popular excuses of: [Pianists] [Choirs] [Handbell Ringers]

Click here for a Music Dictionary

Click here for music's Most Creative Answers

Click here for Aimez-vous Schönberg? The bluffer's guide to 20th century music.

Click here for the Golden Rules for Ensemble Playing

Here are the Top Ten Reasons for Being a: [Soprano] [Alto] [Tenor] [Bass]

Click here to learn the difference between Praise Choruses and Hymns.

Click here for a listing of Organist Positions.

Click here for The Young Person's Guide to the Chorus.

Click here for Contemporary Composers' Postcards from Camp

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