Forbidden Broadway's RENT
RANT ("Rent")
MARK
How do you keep up with the fads
When all the fads are multiplyin' by 3?
Big ads, small ads blow my mind
And now--EGADS!--this new show to see!
MARK & ROGER
Rent!
ROGER
How do you get inside
When the paper lied
And said that there are good seats to spare?
With such adulation
Late cancellation
For two seats is extremely rare.
MARK
It's a big, snubby smash hit!
ROGER
We're desperate to crash it!
BOTH
How we gonna get
How we gonna get
How we gonna get
seats to "RENT"?
MARK
Close up on "RENT". We're in the East Village looking around for some misery to photograph. Cut to Ave. B. Zoom down the street. No one's left!
ROGER
They've all moved to West 43rd St. where they're now squatting in the rarely used Nederlander theatre.
MARK
Nederlander theatre! How're we gonna get in there? There's only one thing left to do...
BOTH
Check the libretto.
MARK
Zoom in on a hand-held copy of an ancient text we found buried under the crumbling marble of Lincoln Center.
ROGER
This strange and wonderful book is a book of prophesy. It's called...
BOTH
L-A Boheeeeeeeme! (Mispronounced)
MARK
It tells us what the hell's goin' on in this show.
ROGER
Yeah! And what's gonna happen next.
MARK
Check scene 2.
ROGER
Hey, it says right here: with a breaking-back-into-the-theatre party...TONIGHT!
MARK
Yes!
BOTH
Now we're gonna get
Now we're gonna get
Now we're gonna get
Into "RENT"
Let's see "RENT"
Where they rant!
Rant! Rant! Rant! Rant! Rant!
Rantrantrantrantrantrantrantrant!
Break back into "RENT".
'Cause all our cash is spent!
OUCH! THEY'RE TIGHT! ("Out Tonight!")
(Song starts after, "We won't be back before it's Christmas Day! Take me out tonight.")
MARK
Scene 3: Daphne Rubin-Vega plays Mimi. In "Boheme", she's a sweet, shy seamstress. Now, she's a CRACK-HEAD, NYMPHOMANIAC PROSTITUTE! YEAH!
MIMI
Meow...Hah!
Ooh-woah-ooh-woah-woah-wa-woah-oh
Watch me get a wink from the stagehand
Wearin' my blue vinyl pants.
As smooth as skin -- I can't breath in.
And so, when I dance,
I scream, "Ou-uuuch! They're tight!"
I have to scream, "Ou-uuuch! They're tight!"
Uh-huh...
I have to scowl,
Hoot like an owl.
I'm in such pain I gotta ho-oooowl
"Ouch! They're tight!"
In this number, I gotta move.
I gotta look sexy and get in the groove.
I got a lot to prove,
Whimperin' sighs, and faking cries!
So, I'll use this bar
And hump it like some porno star!
But I get scars from con-
torting my aching thighs!
I scream, "Ou-uuuch! They're tight!"
Ow-ow-ow-ow-oooooooww!
Ou-uuuuuch! They're tight!
TOO GAY FOR YOU, TOO HET'RO FOR ME ("Today 4 U")
It was my lucky day, one day, on Ave. A
When they drove me in a limousine to Broadway.
They said, "Darling, you're a dear and the queer of the year!
But tone it down or else the straight, suburban crowd will disappear!
Be Chita--Evita! Just don't act up!
Please do as we say; you're just a pup.
Don't be too fey on old Broadway."
Well, I heard that before, and this is what I say:
"Too gay for you, too het'ro for me!
Too gay for you, too het'ro for me!"
We agreed on a fee, and a six month guarantee.
Plus a bonus if I dress up like a Christmas tree.
Now who could foretell I'd win awards as well?
But playing to the blue-haired girls is candy-wrapper hell.
They keep expecting Evita in all her glory,
Not a drag-queen tale or a lesbian story.
Each bridge 'n tunnel bubbie cries, "Oy! Vat a show!"
They tell me, "Get a girlfriend." I just say, "No!"
Too gay for you, too het'ro for me!
Too gay for you, too het'ro for me!
Back on the street and my life is sweet.
I'm rockin' and quick-stockin' to the funky beat.
It's all reletive to where and when you live.
It's the same, I repeat, on that Broadway street!
Sing it!
Too gay for you, too het'ro for me!
Too gay for you, too het'ro-wa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa
For me!
PRETTY VOICES SINGING ("Christmas Bells Are Ringing")
"RENT" CAST
Pretty voices singing
Pretty voices singing
Pretty voices singing
Somewhere else...
Not here!
SEASONS OF HYPE ("Seasons of Love")
"RENT" CAST
525,600 write-ups.
525,000 magazine spreads.
525,600 photos.
How do you measure our swelling heads?
Add records, and TV,
And midnight on David Letterman.
And dozens of groupies in the first row.
In 525,600 features,
How do you measure the worth of a show?
How about hype?
Layers of hype!
Forget about love!
It's a season of hype.
Seasons of hype!
Seasons of hype!
SOLOIST 1
525,600 Tonies.
Add on a highly impressive Pulizter prize.
Order up 525,600 house seats.
Oh, there'd be a riot if the public got wise
ALL
How sadly ironic
That a story about friends
Is never to be seen by the like,
Just the rich who like trends.
Everything's hype.
Think about hype.
Where is the love?
It's the season of hype.
SOLOIST 1
Too much hype! Hype, hype, hype! That's all I see! Oy! Such hype!
ALL
Seasons of hype!
Seasons of hype!
THIS AIN'T BOHEME ("La Vie Boheme")
ALL
This ain't Boheme!
This ain't Boheme!
This ain't Boheme!
MARK
There was a guy named Giacomo
Who wrote an opera long ago.
"Boheme," it remains;
"La Boheme," we obliterate.
As we go against the grain,
You'll go insane and we're glad.
Did I mention the tension
And moves from fifth dimension?
We're starving for attention,
Full of pretension,
Need intervention.
A convention of spoiled 20-somethings going mad.
Precocious, obnoxious
Kids re-inventing hair,
And Cher! and Vanity Fair!
Aren't we cute, to boot?
Here, the grungies hoot!
We're such a famous fad!
We aren't the Met! Forget
That musical gem!
ALL
This ain't Boheme!
(Skip to "La Vie Boheme B")
Yeah!
The songs!
MARK
It's rock! It's ultra-bluesy!
Gold McDermott! Lizzie Swedos!
MAUREEN
Stevie Wonder! Leonard Bernstein!
Then Puccini! Sondheim! Sweeney!
ALL
Style!
ROGER
It's styled completely wild!
Hand-held mikes and facial fakers!
MIMI
Dingy lighting! Metal platforms!
Children raging! Messy staging!
ALL
Plot!
Prostitution! No solution!
Some pollution!
Generation X! Encounter!
Counter-revolution!
Everyone has lost their voice, it's true!
(variously)
I have! And me! And me! And me!
(in unison)
And you, you and you!
It's actors screaming and belching and screaming but
Not reaching any high notes!
MARK
So if some patrons quake with fear
Let's remind all of them:
ALL
This ain't Boheme!
This ain't Boheme!
This ain't Boheme!
This ain't Boheme!
This ain't Boheme!
MARK (over the above)
But now that we are the mainstream,
What is out of the mainstream?
How do we offend?
What's the new trend?
We need a show! A new show!
The opposite of "RENT" ain't "Boheme";
It's Oklahoma!
(Awkward pause)
ALL (Unsure, but gain confidence)
Yeah...
It's Oklahoma!
It's Oklahoma!
It's Oklahoma!
("Oklahoma")
O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A!
("Rent") Viva la...
("Oklahoma")
Oklahoooooooma! YO!
DEATH AND RESSURECTION
(Groan from Daphne Rubin-Vega)
("Musetta's Waltz" plays)
ANTHONY
Close-up on Daphne, now dying from exhaustion after doing "RENT" for only six months! Will Adam be able to revive her with his new hit song?
ADAM (Like his cry, "Mimi!" just after he finishes "Your Eyes")
Daphne!
DAPHNE
Moo!
ALL
She's back!
DAPHNE
I swear, I died! I was goin' through a tunnel--the Lincoln Tunnel, I think--goin' towards a warm white light, leavin' dingy New York for good.
ALL
Oh my God!
DAPHNE
And I swear, I saw an angel in gold lame and she looked like...Lady Tien, from "The King and I". And she said:
LADY TIEN
Go back! Go back home to Broadway. It isn't dead, yet.
ADAM
Wow...
ANTHONY
Hey! According to the "Boheme" libretto, you're not supposedto come back! You're supposed to be dead!
DAPHNE
Yeah, but...
ALL
This ain't Boheme!
This ain't Boheme!
This ain't Boheme!
(Fade off...)