Forbidden Broadway's RENT

RANT ("Rent") MARK How do you keep up with the fads When all the fads are multiplyin' by 3? Big ads, small ads blow my mind And now--EGADS!--this new show to see! MARK & ROGER Rent! ROGER How do you get inside When the paper lied And said that there are good seats to spare? With such adulation Late cancellation For two seats is extremely rare. MARK It's a big, snubby smash hit! ROGER We're desperate to crash it! BOTH How we gonna get How we gonna get How we gonna get seats to "RENT"? MARK Close up on "RENT". We're in the East Village looking around for some misery to photograph. Cut to Ave. B. Zoom down the street. No one's left! ROGER They've all moved to West 43rd St. where they're now squatting in the rarely used Nederlander theatre. MARK Nederlander theatre! How're we gonna get in there? There's only one thing left to do... BOTH Check the libretto. MARK Zoom in on a hand-held copy of an ancient text we found buried under the crumbling marble of Lincoln Center. ROGER This strange and wonderful book is a book of prophesy. It's called... BOTH L-A Boheeeeeeeme! (Mispronounced) MARK It tells us what the hell's goin' on in this show. ROGER Yeah! And what's gonna happen next. MARK Check scene 2. ROGER Hey, it says right here: with a breaking-back-into-the-theatre party...TONIGHT! MARK Yes! BOTH Now we're gonna get Now we're gonna get Now we're gonna get Into "RENT" Let's see "RENT" Where they rant! Rant! Rant! Rant! Rant! Rant! Rantrantrantrantrantrantrantrant! Break back into "RENT". 'Cause all our cash is spent! OUCH! THEY'RE TIGHT! ("Out Tonight!") (Song starts after, "We won't be back before it's Christmas Day! Take me out tonight.") MARK Scene 3: Daphne Rubin-Vega plays Mimi. In "Boheme", she's a sweet, shy seamstress. Now, she's a CRACK-HEAD, NYMPHOMANIAC PROSTITUTE! YEAH! MIMI Meow...Hah! Ooh-woah-ooh-woah-woah-wa-woah-oh Watch me get a wink from the stagehand Wearin' my blue vinyl pants. As smooth as skin -- I can't breath in. And so, when I dance, I scream, "Ou-uuuch! They're tight!" I have to scream, "Ou-uuuch! They're tight!" Uh-huh... I have to scowl, Hoot like an owl. I'm in such pain I gotta ho-oooowl "Ouch! They're tight!" In this number, I gotta move. I gotta look sexy and get in the groove. I got a lot to prove, Whimperin' sighs, and faking cries! So, I'll use this bar And hump it like some porno star! But I get scars from con- torting my aching thighs! I scream, "Ou-uuuch! They're tight!" Ow-ow-ow-ow-oooooooww! Ou-uuuuuch! They're tight! TOO GAY FOR YOU, TOO HET'RO FOR ME ("Today 4 U") It was my lucky day, one day, on Ave. A When they drove me in a limousine to Broadway. They said, "Darling, you're a dear and the queer of the year! But tone it down or else the straight, suburban crowd will disappear! Be Chita--Evita! Just don't act up! Please do as we say; you're just a pup. Don't be too fey on old Broadway." Well, I heard that before, and this is what I say: "Too gay for you, too het'ro for me! Too gay for you, too het'ro for me!" We agreed on a fee, and a six month guarantee. Plus a bonus if I dress up like a Christmas tree. Now who could foretell I'd win awards as well? But playing to the blue-haired girls is candy-wrapper hell. They keep expecting Evita in all her glory, Not a drag-queen tale or a lesbian story. Each bridge 'n tunnel bubbie cries, "Oy! Vat a show!" They tell me, "Get a girlfriend." I just say, "No!" Too gay for you, too het'ro for me! Too gay for you, too het'ro for me! Back on the street and my life is sweet. I'm rockin' and quick-stockin' to the funky beat. It's all reletive to where and when you live. It's the same, I repeat, on that Broadway street! Sing it! Too gay for you, too het'ro for me! Too gay for you, too het'ro-wa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa For me! PRETTY VOICES SINGING ("Christmas Bells Are Ringing") "RENT" CAST Pretty voices singing Pretty voices singing Pretty voices singing Somewhere else... Not here! SEASONS OF HYPE ("Seasons of Love") "RENT" CAST 525,600 write-ups. 525,000 magazine spreads. 525,600 photos. How do you measure our swelling heads? Add records, and TV, And midnight on David Letterman. And dozens of groupies in the first row. In 525,600 features, How do you measure the worth of a show? How about hype? Layers of hype! Forget about love! It's a season of hype. Seasons of hype! Seasons of hype! SOLOIST 1 525,600 Tonies. Add on a highly impressive Pulizter prize. Order up 525,600 house seats. Oh, there'd be a riot if the public got wise ALL How sadly ironic That a story about friends Is never to be seen by the like, Just the rich who like trends. Everything's hype. Think about hype. Where is the love? It's the season of hype. SOLOIST 1 Too much hype! Hype, hype, hype! That's all I see! Oy! Such hype! ALL Seasons of hype! Seasons of hype! THIS AIN'T BOHEME ("La Vie Boheme") ALL This ain't Boheme! This ain't Boheme! This ain't Boheme! MARK There was a guy named Giacomo Who wrote an opera long ago. "Boheme," it remains; "La Boheme," we obliterate. As we go against the grain, You'll go insane and we're glad. Did I mention the tension And moves from fifth dimension? We're starving for attention, Full of pretension, Need intervention. A convention of spoiled 20-somethings going mad. Precocious, obnoxious Kids re-inventing hair, And Cher! and Vanity Fair! Aren't we cute, to boot? Here, the grungies hoot! We're such a famous fad! We aren't the Met! Forget That musical gem! ALL This ain't Boheme! (Skip to "La Vie Boheme B") Yeah! The songs! MARK It's rock! It's ultra-bluesy! Gold McDermott! Lizzie Swedos! MAUREEN Stevie Wonder! Leonard Bernstein! Then Puccini! Sondheim! Sweeney! ALL Style! ROGER It's styled completely wild! Hand-held mikes and facial fakers! MIMI Dingy lighting! Metal platforms! Children raging! Messy staging! ALL Plot! Prostitution! No solution! Some pollution! Generation X! Encounter! Counter-revolution! Everyone has lost their voice, it's true! (variously) I have! And me! And me! And me! (in unison) And you, you and you! It's actors screaming and belching and screaming but Not reaching any high notes! MARK So if some patrons quake with fear Let's remind all of them: ALL This ain't Boheme! This ain't Boheme! This ain't Boheme! This ain't Boheme! This ain't Boheme! MARK (over the above) But now that we are the mainstream, What is out of the mainstream? How do we offend? What's the new trend? We need a show! A new show! The opposite of "RENT" ain't "Boheme"; It's Oklahoma! (Awkward pause) ALL (Unsure, but gain confidence) Yeah... It's Oklahoma! It's Oklahoma! It's Oklahoma! ("Oklahoma") O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A! ("Rent") Viva la... ("Oklahoma") Oklahoooooooma! YO! DEATH AND RESSURECTION (Groan from Daphne Rubin-Vega) ("Musetta's Waltz" plays) ANTHONY Close-up on Daphne, now dying from exhaustion after doing "RENT" for only six months! Will Adam be able to revive her with his new hit song? ADAM (Like his cry, "Mimi!" just after he finishes "Your Eyes") Daphne! DAPHNE Moo! ALL She's back! DAPHNE I swear, I died! I was goin' through a tunnel--the Lincoln Tunnel, I think--goin' towards a warm white light, leavin' dingy New York for good. ALL Oh my God! DAPHNE And I swear, I saw an angel in gold lame and she looked like...Lady Tien, from "The King and I". And she said: LADY TIEN Go back! Go back home to Broadway. It isn't dead, yet. ADAM Wow... ANTHONY Hey! According to the "Boheme" libretto, you're not supposedto come back! You're supposed to be dead! DAPHNE Yeah, but... ALL This ain't Boheme! This ain't Boheme! This ain't Boheme! (Fade off...)