I may just be hopelessly old-fashioned, but one thing I utterly deplore about the modern age is the almost complete lack of social graces to be found in the world at large. As a social given, etiquette has quite fallen by the wayside in our efforts to be perceived as 'politically correct' or in our pursuit of some mythical 'equality of the sexes'.
Now don't mistake my point: there's nothing whatsoever wrong with being sensitive to the demands of the modern expectations of (particularly) women, and I'm certainly not saying that Mrs Pankhurst chained herself to railings to no avail, but it must be said that in our striving to become an equal sex, women seem to have become hoist by their own feminist petard.
Our men folk (bless 'em) have tried to keep pace with the new demands of a self-empowered generation of independent women, but in the attempt they seem to have forgotten that basic thing called courtesy. And - to compound the misery - we women have been all too keen to let them do so.
It is no longer considered politically sensitive to attend to all those painless and cost-free details that still (however post-bra burning we may seem to be) turn most women to jelly. I'd always despaired of finding anyone to take these things as seriously as I did, but I guess I must be blessed. My latest lover has been an education to me, since he is that rare thing in this day and age: a gentleman. He has taught me not simply to hope for such courtesies, but in fact to expect, even demand, them.
The basics may be summed up quite simply as 'doors, chairs and coats'. For a first lesson in etiquette, you can't go far wrong with these three. They cost absolutely nothing, and unless you're approaching a raging feminist with this tack, they are sure to melt the heart of any halfway romantically sensitive woman, who will feel suitably impressed by your attentions.
'Doors' should not be attempted by women when they have a perfectly capable male companion. It has nothing to do with feminine weakness or submission; it is a mere courtesy. A well-dressed woman does not want to run the risk of dirtying a glove (some of us still bother!) or damaging a nail struggling with a door that could well be stiff or heavy. That's not to say women can't open doors - I'm an ex-sword mistress, so I've not got a bad set of muscles on me! - but in etiquette terms we shouldn't have to. Simple as that.
'Chairs' are a more complicated procedure, and require full cooperation from both parties to be a success. Reluctance on the part of the woman, or a lack of authority on the part of the man, will just result in a nasty tangle of what's jokingly called in ballroom parlance 'spaghetti arms', and will only look clumsy and inelegant. There's a bit of a knack to this, but with practise it's not too complicated, and is a beautiful touch when out dining somewhere a bit 'posh'. (Hey, it might happen!)
And so to 'coats', another potential minefield of inelegance and ineptitude if not played equally well by both partners. If the man has no concept of what is expected of him, a woman could stand forever in her coat, and end up looking and feeling immensely foolish, so it is incumbent upon the gentleman to know his responsibilities on this score. Negotiating a woman into a coat is considerably simpler than out of one, so perhaps practise with that first, to avoid sending her into a lengthy circular dance while you both fight it out to work out the finer points.
Now lest anyone should think I am joking about all of this, I should like to point out that though my tone may be somewhat ironic I am deadly serious when I talk about these simple courtesies having a devastating effect. Gentlemen, try them out. You'll either get a slap (if you've got a full-bloodied feminist on your hands!) or you'll melt her heart. And best of all, it costs nothing, and can be worked into any social situation whatsoever, from the ballroom down to the bar.
And once you - and your partner - have mastered the easier 'doors, chairs and coats', you could perhaps move on to car doors, cigarettes, table etiquette, paying compliments and walking rules, which are again quite simple to achieve but have a lasting and memorable impact. I shall cover these higher issues in a future article.
Lest I be accused of some kind of snobbery or elitism, let it be known that I am far from being the refined animal I may appear in this article. I am still learning to expect such courtesies after a lifetime of having doors knocked in my face. I'm not suggesting a return to the Dark Ages, nor some kind of mass abandonment of the often very worthy advances made by the feminist movement, and I'm certainly not intending to denigrate women with what I say.
Quite the reverse in fact: as my gentleman lover points out, it is through these little courtesies that a woman may realise her true equality with and power over her man. That little effort really makes an awful lot of a difference, and could be seen as the true girl power, and one which has been around a hell of a lot longer than many modern women seem to think, or care to admit. And it's true what they say, civility costs nothing.
So go on, give it a try next time you're out and about. Women: you don't have to play the dominatrix about it, or conversely feel weakened or demeaned by it. Men: you needn't feel emasculated by showing such simple considerations, or consider it beneath you.
Etiquette is a beautiful art in the school of seduction, and one which increases in potency the more it declines from general usage.
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