• 1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
• 2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
• 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
• standing in a garage makes you a car.
• 4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
• 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
• 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
• 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
• 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
• 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
• 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
• 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
• 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
• 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
• 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
• 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
• 25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Mastiff for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a Mastiff sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Mastiff replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Mastiff looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This Mastiff is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for only $10?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

---

Dog Pet Peeves

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.

2. Yelling at me for barking...I AM A DOG!!

3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!!

4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose..........stop it.

6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.

8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello...have you noticed the fur?

10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

11. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

---

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy why she decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said. The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"

"I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl.

The teacher, a little perturbed and red-faced, asked Lucy why she was a conservative Republican?

Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too."

The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What if your Mom and Dad were both morons? What would you be then?"

Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."