• - As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

• - I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

• - I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself.  Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

• - In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

• - Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

• - My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

• - I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

• - I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

• - Joan of Arc heard voices too.

• - I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

• - I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

• - As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

• - When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit.  But not nearly as gratifying.

• - The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

• - As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

• - All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

• - I am at one with my duality.

• - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

• - I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday

• - Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

• - Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

• - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

• - False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

• - A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

• - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.  Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

• - Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

• - Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

• - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

• - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

• - Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

• - To understand all is to fear all.

• - I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

• - The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

• - My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

• - To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like

• I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

• - I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

---

 

News Release: New Element Discovered

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by chemists.  The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have:

1 neutron.
125 assistant neutron
75 vice-neutrons
111 assistant vice-neutrons

This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.

Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Chemists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

It is hoped that Committeeium can neutralize Administratum damage, by issuing irrelevant voluminous reports

 
 
  God's Ph.D. Dissertation

Why God never received a PhD....
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew and Greek.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has never bee able to reproduce his
results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjetcs.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. He expelled his first two students for learning.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, all of his students
failed.
15. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
16. Some say he had his Son teach the class.

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