"Ahhh...the voice of an angel...and the shoes of Liberace." Stop presses: Benedict made a funny. I actually glanced out the window to check for airborne pork.

OK, you know what's more irritating than an entire evening of LiteFM Lionel? Having a mother who completely, absolutely, uncritically adores Lionel. Adores him.

"Ooh, I love Lionel."

"He's just the best, as far as I'm concerned."

"Wait - why are you fast-forwarding?" "Mom, it's Shane's vid-bio. We hate Shane." "Yeah...but I wanna hear what Lionel has to say. He gives them all such good advice. Why isn't he judging?"

All ruddy show this went on. I would be busy reporting a matricide right now except for one moment during the intro video:

Me: "So...I think I'm finally beginning to understand the 70's. They had the disco balls so they could reflect off the costumes, right?" Shoemom [grinning]: "Yeah, pretty much."

Also, eventually, the Not-Lionel people started singing...

Kalan. Who, as I rather suspected, does not look particularly amused by having to assure the grown-ups once again that yes, he's legal. (Or having to hug Lionel. Kid has a definite thing about physical contact.) Then goes out and shuts everybody up the best way he knows how: with a Still that - barring some minor excess melisma near the end - is literally just about flawless. Really masterful. The judges welcome the Prodigal Favourite back with open arms. About the only problem with this lovefest is - as Ben(!) - noted - the clothes. The sweater especially had Shoemom smiling ruefully.

Theresa. Speaking of back...damn, kid, where have you been? That was gorgeous, glamourous in that wonderfully sweet, soulful way of yours. The scatting was fantastic. You took Hello and made of it what Lionel had in mind when he wrote it - but couldn't pull it off himself. Best of the night, plain and simple.

Cut to Josh in the audience. Sleepsincar, you're not gonna be one of those annoying-slash-pathetic contestants that get booted early and hang around on the fringes forever, are you? Because I'm getting strong vibes. Just say no to comp tickets, please.

Shane. No, Lionel's vid-bio didn't help, except inasmuch as it confirmed for me that he's basically a walky-talky soundbite. Generic song, generic delivery, generic (if fairly sharp) clothes. This kid is like what would happen if the A.I. people programmed an Idol-contestant-droid.

Kaleb. Who just happens to be singing Shoemom's very favourite Lionel song in the whole world. Erm. You know how distraught relatives stand up at a muder trial and scream abuse? Like that. Not that I didn't sympathise. Kid held one of the gentlest, softest, most delicately ballads ever written down by the throat and butchered it. Brutal. Off-key on the glory notes and everything. Then the judges compound the felony by...well, I'll let Shoemom get it out of her system: "Y'know, this is awful. Last week, Kalan sang Paint it Black, and he made it his own, and he did it so well, and they really tore him up for it. Now this...this...anyway, he comes along and destroys this song, and they love him because he made it his own, which he didn't, he destroyed it, and it's just Not Fair."

Pause somewhere in here for Zany and a deeply unnecessary cooking contest. Somehow it does not surprise me in the least to learn that Shane is a Jello-sculpture master.

Jacob, meet huge downside of wearing blue eyshadow first go; downside, Jacob. Sorry, boyo, but you're the victim of your own crazy. The bar's been set too high. After Bowie all the costumes, all the schtick, nothing's gonna impress. Unless - as per last week - you can dress it up with a memorable vocal. Which that wasn't, to put it mildly. (And you've reduced Sass to trying to out-goofy you, which is a pretty decent excuse for my HATE to flare up right there.)

Elena...is singing a song that is entirely predicated on the singer having soul. It literally has no other content. Unfortunately, Elena doesn't have soul. So the whole thing - despite a decent, slightly understated vocal and some cool moves (not to mention a makeup job which I'm assuming is this week's L'Oreal pimpmercial all by itself) is a moot point. ...So of course the judges move in for the tonguebath. Yes, OK, guys, whatever.

Jason. Eh. Decent vocal, Shoemom liked it OK (although of course "It wasn't Lionel. I mean, let's not get carried away here..."). I was thisclose to giving him props when the Cheddar suddenly exploded out of him like it was in one of those aerosol cans. "Girl" - point - "I'm leavin' you" - wag finger - "tomorrow!" - scowl. Ergh. Go away, bar boy.

Cut to: Jason's family and 'friends'. Unless I'm very much mistaken, the pretty blonde 'friend' is Anna Cyzon - last seen cuddling up to Sleepsincar in the hot tub back at the hotel in Toronto. Famewhore and bad taste in men. Sad.