Joe Dwarf: Shoebox and I thought it would be entertaining to go back and see what our initial impressions were during the very early going. Unfortunately, I didn't write very many of mine down. So what we have here are mostly Shoebox's scattered impressions, with a few notes from me and Shoemom. I've added little tags to identify any top 32 contestants we commented on.
Take one: Central auditions
Shoebox: We actually watched this on tape-delay tonight, and the first thing out of Shoemom's mouth as I popped the tape in? "Hey, this is great, we can fast-forward through Whatshisname!" Yes. Yes, we can. VCR is the most wonderful technology in the world.
Joe Dwarf: My recorded feelings at the time were succinct: Ben still sucks.
Shoebox: On the judges: Ah, that's better. I had just about forgotten what intelligent, articulate talent arbiters sound like. What's really fun is that despite all the hype they still do appear to be combining the comedy with an actual desire to find what Zack called 'talent, stars, something special'. They're willing to admit they've learned and want to improve the process, whatta concept.
"You're just gonna let him walk out of here thinking he's OK? What purpose does that serve?" Farley earns my first judicial BWAH! Zack, you're a ruddy marvel - and I think you got a haircut! Cool. Jake has acquired a real cynical edge to replace the faux one from last year; I cautiously approve. Oddly enough, though, it was Sass who got off the best line of the night: "Of course you don't agree with me. That's why you're here. And this is why I'm here." Overall she leaves the distinct impression she's been cringing at last year's tape.
Second observation from Shoemom (on the contestants)? "See, they're all trying to be the She Bangs guy. They figure they'll get a record." Sadly, she's probably right. This rationale got us through a couple dozen mediocre whiners and wailers without undue irritation (a few of whom I think also paid real close attention to the good AI3 contestants, in their various ways; I counted at least two Fantasia-wannabes, three Jon Peter Lewises and one Diana).
Then of course Tutu Girl - Shoemom: "You're fastforwarding past that contestant." Me: "Not to worry, the outfit's already burned onto my brain for all eternity..." - and Rhinestone Cowboy Guy started in with the 'serious artist' schtick, and I was back to uneasily speculating on what the voices in their heads were telling these people. And making sure our door was locked.
On the plus side, there does appear to be a lot fewer 'unique' artistes this year. Also, there was Beatbox Guy - whom I would call Bobby McFerrin Lite except, well, not lite - and he was a vast improvement all 'round. (I did however crack up when he told the camera he 'gave it [his] best!' Um. Next year, try singing actual words to an actual song and see how far you get.)
Shoemom: "Awww, that's just disgusting." Me, puzzled: "He's singing Build Me Up, Buttercup!" "Yeah, and he's trying to rap it!"
Little Mermaid Girl? We just stared at each other, and then back at the TV, openmouthed. Suddenly Sass v.1 reappears, and it ain't pretty...
On Diane: We had fun picking out familiar contestants. I'm interested they told Toya II she needed to connect better, and even more intrigued that she promised to follow up. (Frankly, I'm kinda scared not to be interested. I think she might hurt me.)
Tyler II - aka Zany's Brother, aka my eye candy, which I had been looking forward to since Ben mentioned 'good-looking' contestants, dammit, so BRING IT ON ALREADY!...ah, he can sing, too. And he veered really close to finding Zany some actual entertaining material. [sighs happily]
On Mohanza: The one guy with the teacher started out as Gary II – Shoemom: "Sass just loves the black [male] singers, doesn't she?" but rapidly segued into Jenny II for me at least. I mean, I was sitting there all set for one of those 'At least he tried'-cue-swelling-music-of-meaningfulness scenes, and then the tonguebath started. Whatever.
On Brock: Then there was Richie II, the farm kid. Unfortunately, they probably won't let him bring ducklings onstage, so...
Others...am definitely rooting for Construction Girl (Anmary), just because unlike Audrey v.1 she has a definable personality...and although I was still sulking over the lack of eye candy up til then was genuinely touched by the burly guy in the trucker hat. I do enjoy me some smooth lower register.
On Josh: Guy in his Car...I need to figure out how I feel about U2 being sung a la Celine Dion and get back to you. Basically decent voice, though.
Finally...I love, love, love the fact that on Canadian Idol, female body type is just. not. an. issue. That one girl who went last in Ottawa (the one who does the 'saxophone thing' with her voice) - I already want her CD, and on AI she doesn't even get past the screeners.
Take two: East Coast auditions
Shoebox: So here we are on the East Coast, and the judicial insults are flying. I have mixed feelings about this, because although I love me some Zack snerk (and dumbfounded Jake reaction takes) at all times, watching it aimed at Maritimers...Let's just say that when these people tell you they aren't used to being told they suck, they're quite sincere...
Joe Dwarf: Loved the arguing judges montage - just shows how different CI is from AI. Dawg, Kitty and Grumpy would never stray that far from the script.
Shoebox: Anyhow, Zack et al tell lots of people they suck regardless, and many are predictably shocked and outraged. Of course, they do suck after all. (Although the one big-voiced girl with the fringe-y sleeves doesn't, exactly. Didn't quite get the difference between her and a couple they passed.) Some manage to charm their way through. One girl flat-out bursts into tears, and the judges unexpectedly fall for it despite audibly admitting she can't sing. Grr. I hate that. Grow up, crying girl.
Zack's schtick wherein he provides the words - and, in the case of A Whole New World, hand gestures - to the flailing singers is evidently now an official running gag. Goody. (Especially when he reveals he knows all the words to The Gambler, in an adorably resigned 'yes, everyone really does know all the words to this song' way.)
Ben and Zany do more vaguely homoerotic stuff together. Zany does a dead-on Benedict impersonation, putting a temporary damper on my hatred...then he and the codfish do a stupid reunion skit based on the concept that the codfish-kissing scene last year wasn't gross and pointless to begin with. Die, Zany.
Jenny on the bus in St. John's. 'Be yourself...because this is a good day.' Then she sits down. Nice to know some things will never change.
The judges get into a screaming match - that is, they scream, and he makes death threats in monotone - with some medals-sunglasses-and-pen-bedecked goofball that I would really, really like to believe is faking. Because otherwise my diagnosis would have to be Columbine II. Seriously. This little sequence is even less amusing than Zany.
Y'know, it's really hard to take a declamation like 'I will continue to believe in my singing ability' seriously when the declamatee has little pink fuzzy barrettes in her hair. Just sayin'.
Montreal. Ben's home town. I reflexively start making plans to move, then remember I'm from Toronto. Cuteish montage of wacky! Montreal fashions and wackier! hair. Wonder how far Amy Adams would have made it in those rainbow stripes...
More whiny people whine about being the real deal and the judges are morons. I'm starting to get a pretty good handle on what the judges must be going through; kind of a combination of embarrassment, impatience and frantic longing to hear a good singer soon. Just one, TPTB? Please?
On Kaleb: There are a few. A guy named Kaleb moves like Mr. Roboto, and as far as I can tell misses a few glory notes, but the judges tonguebath him. I am totally bewildered until Crying Girl appears immediately afterwards, at which point, yes, sure, he's Miles Davis, you bet! As long as he doesn't cry!
On Kirk (or was it Adam): Another guy proceeds to Cobain his way through The Night Pat Murphy Died, and I am fascinated. I have no idea if he can sing or not, but I think I would pay good money to watch him perform.
On Jason: Laryngitis guy has a fabulous vocal tone and texture...just imagine what he might do in good health...plus looks like he might clean up real pretty. Yum. Boy, I'm shallow this year.
Shot of - "Hey, weren't they twins a second ago? Are they cloning themselves?" enquires Shoemom. Whatever happened, now we have three identical teenage girls wearing matching head-to-toe baby pink. I'm scared.
On Liz and Annie: There are a few truly stunning women. Plus, "I'm so glad nobody's shouting at me," says Shoemom. The girl from Zaire and the one who sings Smile especially demonstrate marvellous tone and control and are on my CD wish list with Last Girl from Ottawa.
Joe Dwarf: Annie Lefebvre (Smile girl) is probably the best audition I've seen in AI or CI (although I admit not seeing AI1). If she has a glory note or two in her she just might take this thing. Fabulous tone and control, able to impress without shouting or belting, and a restrained but confident personality that will take her far with the fans, I think.
Shoebox: Friends Forever Sharon Vanden Enden II and her buddy Chhaya make it through, Zack complaining about the former all the way. I think I agree. She really is not much more than meh....but if she can stay out of the black leather...
Aaaand we're on to the West - and Tyler!
Joe Dwarf: Overall, much better than the suck-fest that was Toronto. I spied several good singers.
Take three: Western auditions
Shoebox: We've had the romantic first date, we've had the 'proposal', and now I guess this is the 'old-married-couple' phase of the Zany/Ben relationship, eh? Either that, or it's Martin Short and assistant from Father of the Bride if they weren't funny and charming. I can't quite decide.
The truly great part of this whole deal, of course, is that we were denied even the teeniest glimpse of Tyler Hamilton, the better to focus on Zany waggling his butt. Words cannot describe my emotion over this circumstance. Besides, I'm afraid I might be booked for murder if I tried.
Boy, Jake really goes into a sulk when he's overridden, doesn't he?
Looks like everyone was having a lot of fun with the Ukranian thing (although I have to believe the dancing is better than Zany made it seem) and more power to them. I, too, wish there was a perogy salesman in my life...and that he had excellent contacts to bacon, onion and sour cream salesmen. Mm.
Mom Idol. Which is cute in a vaguely Hallmark way...right up until the winner 'flashes' the audience. Eew. I think Mom's been skimming too many Britney tabloid photos at the supermarket checkout.
The ratio of good auditions to bad goes up sharply. Unfortunately, so does the number of Olympic Moments, none of which are as inspiring as TPTB think they are. (The boxer girl was sort of sweet, though. She can't sing much, but she's sweet).
On Manoah: Funny, how you just automatically end up disliking these people who talk about sharing their gifts while the music-of-meaningfulness swells in the background...and in the foreground, their skirts are front-slit up to ugh. You're a teacher, lady. Stop it.
On Theresa: Behold the power of God Bless the Child over the Canadian Idol judges. It's incredible. I mean, the girl can absolutely sing - and I do like her look, primarily because it's more or less the one I was sporting at her age - but, I mean. Sheez. Zack is making Simon's fawning over Fantasia seem like total indifference, here. (Amusingly, having apparently snapped out of it, Zack later tells yet another contestant that she's the best singer he's seen this year.)
Joe Dwarf: GBTC girl is from Saskatoon, she won "Saskatoon Idol" (whateverthatis) which gave her a free pass to the judges. Her name is Theresa Sokyrka, there was an article in today's paper. To her everlasting credit, rather than listing her influences as Whitney and Celine, she says Ani DiFranco and Norah Jones. She plays fiddle, guitar and writes music. Needless to say, I'm cheering for her. Hometown girl, donchaknow. It'll be down to her and Annie in the final, you heard it here first.
Shoebox: Lots more inexplicable 'characters' charming their way through...characters who are, by and large, severely mediocre singers. Guys, not every judging criteria you used last year needed to be revamped, you know? The part about having lots of musical talent still worked fine.
On Jacob: I was mildly enjoying Jacob the Spastic Guy as a curiosity...until I realised that he was singing Forever in Blue Jeans, at which point I segued straight into horror. Dancing Queen there can also go anytime soon, thanks. Ditto the girl with her own fan club. That glitter was giving me bad Mikey-fangirl-flashbacks.
On Kalan: "Hi Kalan," Zack sighs, "are you twelve?" Yes, folks, it’s yet another guy with yellow curls. Did I miss something, and this is now an audition require…oh. We interrupt this rant the better to hear this kid sing. Wow. Creates a sort of baroque atmosphere with his long sleepy eyes and House of the Rising Sun, accepts the judicial raves…and looks totally indifferent to all of it. OK, I’m interested.
Bambi Girl...it says something about the ep that I was terrified they were going to put her through. I had this nightmare where she and Little Mermaid Girl were going to meet in Toronto and build up to sheer hearts-and-flowers overload, and when the pixie dust finally settled we'd look up and there one'd be in the top 10, warbling away.
'Johnny Rockstar' has got to be faking. I mean, he's not even trying to hide it.
Really, now that I think about it, I wasn't hugely impressed by anybody tonight (except maybe the curly-haired guy and a couple girls). The people in the 'here are our ticketholders' montages looked aways more interesting than the ones we heard. Especially since a lot of the people we heard were SHOUTING! guys, which concept irks me even more than the distaff version.
Here They Are, Your Top 100 montage. Kaleb and FarmBoi Broomcloset get prominent cameos; the girl who exerted the God Bless the Child magic barely registers; Last Girl and Annie aren't even there. Uh-oh. But the judges are excited; they think they've got a lot of 'bold' youngsters who'll 'step it up'. Farley thinks they've picked an even better crew this year. (Says the guy who convinced the others to pass Dancing Queen through.) I think they've got the raw material, yes, but as for 'best ever'...Should be a fairly interesting show next week, at any rate.
Joe Dwarf: Made the trek through danger to the official CTV boards - Theresa seems to be the early favourite, lots of Kalan love too. Weird thing is all the Jenny/Theresa comparisons, which I don't get at all. Theresa's voice isn't at all quirky, and she will obviously glam up pretty well.
Shoebox: It's the God Bless the Child-followed-by-judicial-gushes factor. Agreed that they are otherwise poles apart. Jenny's appeal was very subtle if you felt it at all; Theresa's all in-your-face talented. (In fact I'm sort of hoping she dials it back a wee bit before I get tired of her belting at me.)There also appears to be quite a bit of Josh love going on the CTV boards too. Luckily, not much attention paid to Kaleb at all. Yay.
Joe Dwarf: Theresa was on local radio this morning here in Saskatoon. It sounded like they caught her kind of early unless her voice always sounds that hoarse. She's very nice. They asked her if she could tell them anything, her reply was "I made the top 155, watch tonight". She's totally in the top 32. When asked how she felt about the tongue-bathing, she said that she was really nervous. Only other interesting comment was that her favourite jazz singer is Ella Fitzgerald, and that she learned to scat from listening to Ella records. This pleased the host who's a jazz nut (he hosts a jazz show on community radio when he's not being one of the morning drive idiots on the big FM station). I'd love to hear some scat if she's any good at it. Basically I'd love to hear anything that isn't whitneymariahceline.
Shoebox: I was thinking it over today at work and have decided on my preliminary dream Top 10:
Theresa
Mohanza
Kalan
Jermaine
Daniel
Kyla
Annie
Andrea
Josh
...Guy with dreadlocks, or Manoah. Haen't quite decided.
Joe Dwarf: Ya know, I kinda liked Manoah way back when, too. Give Shoe her due, she called the top 2 in there.