Last week on Canadian Idol, the contestants took on the bloated spectre of legend-in-his-own-mind Burton Cummings. When the dust settled, it was Burton 4, Idol Hopefuls 1. This week, they take on the bloated spectre of actual legend Elvis Presley. Would it surprise you to learn they get stomped even more effectively by a dead sweaty icon than an aging sweaty has-been?

Ben trots out with his by-now-standard sideways ogle/smirk at the camera. He’s dressed in a quite nice navy single-breasted suit and yellow shirt. Someone killed a red paisley scarf (were you aware they ran wild in Ontario?) and he’s using it as a pocket square. He’s dialled back the tan so much that he’s now pasty, which is a fitting tribute to Elvis, who was himself a pretty darned pasty white boy. He provides the usual blather about voting and when the result show is, and introduces our judges. Really the only interesting thing about the whole shtick is the pocket square, which seems to be not quite dead yet. I don’t think you can ever entirely kill a red paisley. They’re tough little suckers.

Zack’s in a pretty snazzy black suit tonight. Ben asks him if the Elvis theme is the “ultimate challenge” for the kids. Zack mentally runs through the various sorts of horrid torture they could have put the kids through – Gilbert & Sullivan, Gregorian Chant, Eastern European National Anthems, Sitar Classics, The Poppy Family – before snerking “no, not even vaguely”. He comments that Ben has “that Elvis thing down”.

Ben turns to Jake, in a dazzling white suit. He’s shooting for Fat Elvis but achieves balding, retired Man from Glad. Ben wants to know how challenging it is to sing Elvis’ songs. Jake replies that the most important thing is to avoid falling into an impression of Elvis. Well, that would be a problem if you pick one of the iconic Elvis tunes, but really the dude sang every song he ever heard I think – you could safely select any number of tunes where that would be no problem at all.

Farley has reupholstered himself in a shiny taupe patterned suit with what appears to be a black velvet shirt. It’s a sort of upscale pimp look. Ben wants to know if Sun Studios was the birthplace of rock and roll. Farley glosses over decades of rock history by replying that it was probably the churches of Memphis, but that Sun Studios made it popular.

Sass is in a green satin dress with cap sleeves and brocade trim around the décolletage, which this week is set on “stun”. For her, it’s a subdued look. She says she’s got no expectations other than to have a fantastic show. Sass, I’m afraid I have some disappointing news for you.

Ben introduces the montage by characterising Elvis as someone who “may have contributed more to history and our culture than any musician who has ever lived”. Wow. That’s a bit of hyperbole that’s pretty hard to swallow. Does it count as contributing to culture when you just show really good taste in what you cover and sing it well? I think of Elvis more as really talented curator than creator. He exposed a number of new styles of music to a white audience but was he more important than the roots he exploited? Farley gently touches on this sore point a couple of times during the show, so I know I’m not alone in this. “Ultimate icon”, I’ll grant you. But even so: shut up, Ben.

The montage boils a 20 year career down to 5 brief points: he shook his pelvis, he joined the army, he came back on TV, he married Priscilla and he died. On the toilet, full of dope and deep-fried peanut butter sandwiches, but they gloss over that little fact. One thing’s for sure – young Elvis would have been the perfect Idol contestant. He was a charismatic, pretty young man who could sing anything you threw at him. We got those qualities all packaged together last year – OK, so the charisma bit is still a work in progress - but this year, it’s pretty tough sledding.

Ben introduces the contestants with the same old catchphrases, and then throws to a bit on their trip to Memphis. Paul Simon’s Graceland plays in the background while they tour Sun Studios and the Graceland mansion. Now there would be a cool theme. I’m just trying to picture Rex struggling with Still Crazy After All These Years - talk about being in over your head. I mean, more so than usual. I don’t think he quite grasped the complex emotional dynamic behind Blue Suede Shoes, so I’m thinking not so much with the Paul Simon.

But I digress… first up is Aaron. For the intro vid, he’s wearing a cowboy hat from the Dwight Yoakum collection. Even if Dwight mainlined Krispy Kreme doughnuts for the next year and a half and glued a dead rat to his chin, he’d still be cooler than Aaron. And you know, I get the whole Canadian ordinary guy with talent thing, the sort of anti-cool-dude backlash that helped give Steven Page a career. But don’t you want your Idol to be even a little bit cool? I mean, they don’t have to be all Nadia Turner fabulous, but, yeesh. If this guy were skinny and black, he’d be Urkel. Anyways, Aaron interviews that the studio where Elvis recorded has a “vibe”, that it’s a little weird but he likes it. He labels Elvis “revolutionary” and a big influence.

Aaron comes out to sing Teddy Bear in a charcoal grey marry ’em, bury ’em suit. He’s all fresh-scrubbed and rosy-cheeked, and ready to sing Elvis’ most innocuous, bland, vanilla - sorry, running out of adjectives for “boring as shit” – song ever. It’s a song choice so obvious for him that he should have known damn well to steer clear. The results are about what you’d expect – a competent rendition that wouldn’t have been out of place on the Lawrence Welk show. Except he’d have worn a powder blue leisure suit, and that would have been awesome. I’m asleep before the end of the first verse.

Jake, struggling to stay awake, congratulates him for not falling into an Elvis impression. Or, y’know, making any sort of impression. Farley claims he saw Elvis oozing out of Aaron’s pores. Mrs. Dwarf had to leave the room at that point, as the thought of anything at all oozing out of Aaron was a little much for her. Sass claims he’s making a fabulous name for big men everywhere. I think it’s about time she tracked down Mr. Sass at whatever fair/festival/farmer’s market Kalan’s playing this weekend. She needs her plumbing roto-rooted, she’s getting delirious. Zack simply tosses a scrap of paper and says “next!” I know exactly how he feels.

Suzi’s opinion of Sun studios is that the “energy is still here” and that it “smells like an old book”. I’m guessing her parents have a few? I don’t peg Suzi for hanging around bookstores hoping to snag first editions. She feels that Elvis is out of her comfort zone and that she needs to get creative, but that she has a brand new respect for him and feels inspired. Now we know that when Suzi gets creative and inspired, she stomps and yells a lot.

Suzi’s wearing taupe palazzo pants, a lace ruffled shirt and a double-breasted black jacket with lots of brass buttons and epaulets. It’s one half over-the-top hippie and one half ill-fitting and age-inappropriate – like she raided Josh’s old dressing room for the top and Melissa’s for the bottom. She spends nearly the entire performance of Heartbreak Hotel at full volume but there’s a couple of breaks where what could have been a pretty good performance peek through. She hits all the notes OK. Well, pulverises more than simply hits, truth be told. It’s the best of the first half but still firmly mired in the mediocre. If she had any sense of restraint this could have been good – her voice is well suited to the blues. Part of the problem is again song choice. Like most of the songs tonight Heartbreak Hotel suffers from being so completely familiar that nothing less than a complete obliteration of the original arrangement is going to scatter the ghost of Mr. Presley. Like, for example, Kaleb’s Hound Dog last year.

Farley would have liked to see her have more fun, but praises her for doing some singing. I would have liked a little more emotion, and a lot less shouting. Sass empathises with singing a song that you’re “not particularly into” but points out some “stuff” in the third verse that she wasn’t expecting. That would have been the bit where Suzi showed that her volume dial actually goes below “11”. Zack comments that she looks like she needs sleep. Which was totally Mrs. Dwarf’s comment as we watched – “oh, she looks haggard”. I’m thinking that the little Memphis documentary isn’t showing the whole story. Jake says she sang that like she had heartbreak, and that’s what’s important.

Back to Sun Studios for one more variation on how you can feel the energy of the place. Just don’t go there late at night, y’all – that’s when doors start closing for no reason, bacon grease runs down the walls and a deep voice whispers “sorry, ma’am, but my momma done told me to deep-fry you”. Melissa says that because of her youth, she only knows Elvis’ Las Vegas personality but now she’s been exposed to when he was young and a “really cool cat”.

Melissa’s wearing a pretty dark blue flowered dress overtop of jeans. I don’t understand this look, especially for Melissa. I think the stylists on this show are taking bets as to how many different ways they can make this pretty girl look frumpy. The double-dose of material only serves to add bulk she doesn’t need. I think those hips are starting to show how stressed she must be. The song is A Little Less Conversation, the dance version from a couple of years back. I think she picked it because it was the only Elvis song she’d ever heard. The arrangement is way too low for her, and she’s off-key and lifeless through the verse until it swings up into her range for the chorus. She hits her stride there but something still isn’t right. She’s too demure to swagger her way through this. When Melissa wants action, she’s talking about a good clean tackle. No, not that kind of tackle. People! People! If that’s where your minds are headed, you can just walk out of this recap. Go. Shoo!

Sass simply says that Melissa is her Idol. Zack says “that was that?” Sass clarifies that she sang it in the wrong key, but she’s still her Idol. Zack concurs that it would have been really cool if she sang in the right key and yells at her to “kill this next song, please”. Jake has no idea why Zack is yelling. Shit, Jake, I don’t know the man personally and even I know he only reacts that way when someone he likes screws up. Jake goes on to say that he found it really “screechy”. I think he’s been dipping into Sass’ tequila supply. Of all the adjectives I would have used for that performance, “screechy” would not be one. How about “tired”, “tepid”, “timid” and “tentative”, just for the Ts? Farley blathers on some about how Elvis songs are meant for Elvis, but at least she energised the room. Translation: “you sucked on a song that was wrong for you, but the audience had at least heard it before”.

Rex claims that rock and roll was conceived right there in Sun Studios. If it was conceived there, it was only after a lot of heavy petting in other locations. Rex is determined to give “115%” and pay tribute to Elvis. That extra 15% must be like leaving a tip in Bonanza – kind of useless, as the first 100% bought you nothing but crap.

Rex is wearing a blue velvet jacket over striped shirt, jeans and of course, the titular Blue Suede Shoes. The white hat was probably removed just before hitting the stage, as he’s got a serious case of hat head. His hair can’t possibly be as dirty as it looks, so I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that’s a bunch of product in there. Or, they might have caught him just as he was rubbing goatshit in there to make some dreads. Rex yells his way semi-competently around the old chestnut without adding anything new, interesting or unique to it. If he’s going to be this boring singing the thing, he could at least add something physical to the performance. But instead he just stands around the microphone, does the white boy shuffle and occasionally hint at all the dancing Elvis used to do. He takes a wide stance, like Elvis used to do when playing guitar. He points a knee slightly in, code for “I’d do that really cool knee-knocking hip-swivel thingy, but I can’t on account of my back”. Look kids, it’s Zombie Elvis!

Zack says that given Elvis’ ginormous catalogue, there’s no excuse for picking a crappy song. He thought it was the best performance of the first half, but points out that a great singer like Christina Aguilera or Joe Cocker would have done something much better. Christina “glory-noting skank” Aguilera put in the same company as Joe Cocker? I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Next thing he’ll be comparing Justin Timberlake to Joni Mitchell. Anyways, Zack summarises it as “a’ight” and Rex says that’s good enough for him. It seems that all of Canada is taking just “a’ight” this year, right up the old poop chute. Jake glosses over any performance issues and says that it’s tough to do an original version, but that the dance was original. Farley was less than impressed with the dance, labelling him “Elvis Pretzel” and commenting that Elvis learned to dance from guys who looked a little like him. Elvis learned to dance from fat pimps? The things you learn on Idol! Sass loves Rex, but the song made her snore.

Aaron is back, this time in a white suit to sing Love Me Tender. I thought he was going for the Fat Elvis look, but Mrs. Dwarf thought he looked more like Boss Hogg. So now I have to endure images of him singing tender thoughts to Roscoe and Enis. Not enough bleach on the planet for that. With the white suit, the backlighting, the darkened stage and the background screen full of sparkly thingies, the whole setup smacks of a 70s variety show or possibly a musical guest on a bad sitcom. I kept expecting Laverne and Shirley to step out of the shadows and sing backup. Aaron’s trying his very best to be a sex-ay lov-aire, singing in his best breathy, sensitive voice and eye-fucking the camera for all he’s worth. The camera is having none of it, and keeps circling him to get away. All the other performances could be laid down to bad song choice, overreaching or simply too much bourbon in Memphis – this is the only one that is really trying hard to be bad. It’s amazing how, without actually singing any wrong notes, Aaron can be so horribly, embarrassingly bad. I’ve seen less cheese from Steve and Edie.

Jake thought it was good. I think he’s had one too many hits of some sort of controlled substance we haven’t yet heard of. Farley thought it had “a bit of a Hymn Sing/Lawrence Welk vibe”. Hee. Sass says he knows how to “milk a dramatic moment”. The only drama in that moment was how long it was going to be before it was over. Mercifully short it turned out, thank Dog. Zack figures it’s turning into the Dairy Network, “all cheese, all the time”. I’m starting to think that for once Zack is the only one who hasn’t been into the sauce.

Suzi’s dressed in her mom’s old curtains and sitting on what appears to be a cardboard box. Girlfriend looks plumb wore out, you can see the fatigue in her eyes and the way she’s carrying herself. She’s doing I Can’t Help Falling In Love by way of Bono, which is a really cool arrangement of the piece. In fact, it’s the best song choice of the night given that arrangement and I would have really enjoyed it if Theresa or Elena had sang it. But it becomes clear in the first few notes that either Suzi is having a dreadfully off night or she is just incapable of singing with any subtlety. Given that she was her reliably shouty self earlier, I’m going with the latter. The whole first half is warbly, shaky, breathy and just generally showing signs of her not practising singing at anything less than bar-rockin’ volume. As soon as she gets to the part where she can put some power into it, it gets way better. It’s actually quite lovely near the end, and just for being such a noble miss I’d give it performance of the night. Not that this is any great prize, mind. Performance of this night is kind of like winning best polka album at the Grammies.

Farley points out that it was “a little shaky, vocally” but that he liked the arrangement. Sass agrees with the shaky assessment but also found it ambitious and “really cool”. Zack correctly identifies this as Suzi’s last performance, but calls it the most honest and honourable of the night. Jake thought it was the first time she had shown vulnerability and that it moved him.

After another non-funny bit from Jon Dore, Melissa is back with You’ll Never Walk Alone. She’s wearing a forest green dress that she’ll next be wearing at a cousin’s wedding, but aside from being a little dull it at least fits her. She looks as good as she ever has, aside from the bags around the eyes. The song is squarely in her range, and she does a competent, if subdued job with it. However, once more with bringing the boredom. So. Sleepy. I keep hearing that this girl is so much fun, has so much personality. People who have met her keep saying things like this, there has to be some truth. How come she can’t ever push that through into a performance? Bleagh.

Sass alliterates that it was simple, sweet and stunning. Zack, noting how tired she is, comments that if they’re asked to fly to Tuktoyaktuk that the contestants should refuse. Is this some preview of the Barenaked Ladies sense of humour? Cause a road trip to Tuk would be awesome. Blubber shots for everybody! Zack thought it was honest and honourable like Suzi’s performance but hopes for better next week. Jake for some reason has to consult his notes before saying simply that he likes what she just did. Farley enjoyed it and noted that it was the first time she was in a range that was bright, strong and healthy. Just what the hell is Byrd doing to earn her consulting fees anyways? Can she not at least suggest keys? Or is CTV so cheap that they just pay for stock backing tracks?

Rex is seated on a stool this time and wearing a black pinstriped suit. He’s singing If I Can Dream and once more channelling Jim Cuddy. If Jim forgot how to sing all of a sudden. It was flat and lifeless all through the first half and then flat and shouty through the second. If there was a single note he hit on key, I didn’t hear it. To his credit… to his credit… shit, there’s nothing to his credit on this one. It’s just a big pile of crap from beginning to end.

Zack says he has no idea who’s going to win as tonight was the night that “four pretty talented young Canadians massacred one of the great catalogues in popular music”. Replace “pretty” with “moderately” and that earns you a big fat word from this Dwarf, Zack. Jake takes the chance to slam Zack and notes the Cuddy impersonation, but bizarrely he thought it was good. Can we maybe all pitch together and buy Jake a clue? I don’t think he even knows where the clue store is. Farley had some “minor” issues with the vocal performance but really liked the passion. Translation: “that was a yelly piece of ass but if I criticise it your fans are only going to hunker further down in their bunkers”. Sass says “I thought that was poo, but I really like you”. Which I thought was actually kinda funny.

So despite (in my opinion) the two best performances of the night, Suzi goes home and we have to endure another week of Aaron and Rex. Next week, the three remaining hopefuls tackle Bare Naked Ladies. I lay dibs on Aaron doing “This Is Me In Grade Nine”, complete with the dorky shorts. You heard it here first.