Here we are back at CI, part three. This weeks recap brought to you courtesy of an evening of base debauchery with Mrs. Dwarf and her friends. OK, she's working a bingo to support our kid's dance habit. Either way, it's left me with nothing more to do than nurse a pint of Kilkenny and snark at 2 hours of blandness broken up only by the occasional huge choke. Plus child abuse.

I tried to recap the auditions for you people, really I did. But 3 hours of horrid warbling and gimmick auditions interrupted only occasionally by bland competence and a couple of funny skits just didn't seem worth it in the end. We did get a summary of last year in case you were in a coma or something: to nobody's surprise, Kalan won it all over Theresa, whom he wuvs very very much. He sold a billion kajillion records (on artistic merit! Honest!) and sold out his tour. So if you think that this year's winner is going to get artistic input and won't be forced to pimp a craptasticularily cheeseriffic song about rainbows, hopes and dreams, you haven't watched very much Idol. There's big bucks in shitty songs sung by pretty people.

I thought the judges were really amusingly snarky throughout the auditions, a highlight being Zack's immediate dismissal, unheard, of a somewhat socially-challenged kid (OK, he was clearly a complete and utter loser) followed by a damn funny spittake from Jake. Aside from that, a few contestants stuck out. "King-Size" Suzi Rawn sings with a bar band, and she has a pretty damn fine rock alto. Jenn Beaupre sang "I Can See Clearly Now", a song I love. She was marvelous, even with a green striped tie. Dianelys Hernandez was wonderfully musical. She's come to Canada by way of Cuba, and if they let her sing some Cuban jazz I will be one happy Dwarf. Devika Mathur was gorgeous and sang in a restrained toneful way that I really like. And I also liked Erika Peck, even though she was dressed like an otaku.

Back to the episode at hand. One hundred eighty-six contestants nabbed a free trip to Toronto for four days of stress, abuse and dashed hopes. One would think that by the third go-round, our judges would have refined their instincts sufficently to weed out the people with zero chance when they first saw them. Or perhaps this is just CTV marketing trying to put a spin on the fact that the audition turnout was lower than ever this year. "Look, less people, but quality!" But ya know, a turd is still a turd, no matter how much spin and polish you put on it. Our motto: "Polishing The Turd Since 2003" (thanks, Cat Whisperer and Westwingnut).

When we first met Ben at the auditions show, he was dressed in the same damn pink shirt combo he wore on last year's summertime theme show. We all know CTV is cheap, but how cheap do you have to be to recycle a pink polo shirt and white long sleeved T? I also note that Ben is a more subdued shade of orange this year. Did they make him reuse his Man-Tan as well? The mind boggles at the thought - Ben taking his daily Man-Tan shower, with all the excess gloop caught down the drain and stored for later use. There'll be no excess spending inquiries at CTV, by gum. We save nickels where we can, people. Ben is going to have to get CTV to spring for more cosmetics if he wants to regain the nuclear orange appearance of complexions past.

Whew! There's a full page, and I haven't even gotten past the credits yet. I'm going to have to speed this sucker up. We open with six quick profiles of Rex Goudie, Amanda Marles, Jordan Croucher, Jenner Hughes, Jessica Grieve and Julie Tellier. We find out that Rex is from small-town Newfoundland and never takes that damn hat off. Jordan is from Halifax and works with disadvantaged kids. Say it with me: Awwww! Jessica from Guelph had a "moment" when she sang to Zack. You just know she has a bunch of cats and reads Hallmark cards for fun. Say hello, Amanda and Jenner: our pimp machine red herrings. Amanda is from Northern Alberta and ever so cute and vulnerable. Jenner is from Ottawa, sports the Elvis do and has the scary trying-to-be-hip mom. Julie is from St. Bruno-de-Montarville and I don't recall her at all from either the auditions or the top 100, so of course she's top 32. I'll try to pay better attention as I'm recapping.

After intercutting various montages of goodbyes and speeches of doomed confidence, we cut to Toronto where our contestants are arriving and Jon is instructing the [product-placed airline] pilot to "back up and then friggin' give 'er!" Hee. OK, Jon is actually bringing some funny this year. Then over to the train station (people still actually ride trains in this country? Must be a Central Canada thing) where the contestants all end up piling on the bus and lamely trying to sing "Fame". A good portion of the contestants don't know the song because, well, that movie is 25 years old. I checked. Gawd. Really? I feel pre-Cretaceous.

Bunch of people, bunch of people, bunch of people. I'd play hey! it's that guy! but really, I've got a recap to get on with and it's not all that interesting. Statements abound regarding all the amazing amazement and damn glad to be here-ness. Also, Dave "side-burn" Mongar and the annoyingly perky lurve of his life, Sheena don't get to share a hotel room. Because this is 1963. And please, when you say "sideburn", add the southern accent like you're in a movie from 1963 and you're the redneck town sherriff giving Elvis grief just before he wins the girl and the big race. Saahd-behrn! You can bring out your inner Foghorn Leghorn if it helps any.

All the contestants are gathered in the John Bassett theatre for the traditional "Generic Words Of Advice Which Don't Matter And Which Go In One Ear And Out the Other Anyways". Don't you wish they'd give real, useful advice here? Like, "don't sing songs X, Y and Z, we hate those songs". Or, "we've identified contestant A as an unreliable doofus, if you pick him for your group sing you're doomed". How about, "if you forget your words but cleverly continue anyways, we'll think that's cool but if you just stand there like an idgit and ask for a do-over we're already tearing up your glossy 8X10"?

Anyways, Sass gets up there and tells them all that the competition doesn't mean shit if they're real singers. Did she really just do that? Rock on, Sass. Farley talks about confidence but I'm mostly noticing how fat he's gotten. Jake utters some complete bovine excrement about how they're the best Canada has to offer. And the Top 100s of the previous years who were the "best" then aren't still breathing? You think maybe the hundreds of Canadians who have actual, legitimate, international careers without the benefit of trumped up karaoke competitions might have a bone to pick with that statement? Shut up, Jake. Zack urges them all to try to win. He's still bitter about Jacob, apparently.

And now it's time to line 'em up and shoot 'em down. I confess this whole sequence is a bit of a mystery to me. They couldn't evaluate them properly at the initial auditions when they can ask for multiple songs? Instead, they make a snap decision based on part of one song? Maybe they just need to do a quick comparison of the "quality" contestants without all the joke auditions in the middle screwing with their heads. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt on that one rather than going with my gut explanation of "articifially induced drama for better ratings".

Bree Carson does a slowed down, competant and yet boring version of "Hound Dog". Jessica Grieve does a thin version of "Natural Woman" Sarah Loverock is the first to pull out the Stevie but isn't terribly impressive. They all live to fight another day.

Jordan Croucher sings "A Change Is Gonna Come" unmemorably. Bobbi Smith sings "You Light Up My Life". The judges unfortunately do not whip out their Uzis and shoot her where she stands. Dear God, I lived through all 40 million weeks that fucking song was on the charts and it still comes back to haunt me. Joanne Beggs has cute furry boots and a teeny ass but no discernable talent as she massacres "I Can See Clearly Now". Alinka Chambers is stunningly beautiful, and does well enough with "Wind Beneath My Wings" to get through. Jade Seguin-Richard does a smiley, pageant-y version of "Wonderful World". I dislike her on sight. Dave Moffat does something I don't recognise that smacks of musical theatre, and it sounds appropriately musically theatre-ish. Thank Google - it's "Why God?" from Miss Saigon. Jenner Hughes sings another one I don't recognise but it sounds standard-ish, a Frank or Dean kind of bit. Google says... "Lullaby of Birdland". He's a little over-the-top with the Rat Pack affectations but otherwise fine. Tonya Downey, apparently another returning contestant, sounds fine singing "Karma" by Alicia Keys. OK, I cheated with Google - that's three in a row people, my rep is failing. Anyways, she's the best so far. Amanda comes out in her prom dress and slays "Rockin' Round the Christmas Tree".

There's a flurry of "step back, step forward" directions but it's frustratingly unclear who gets booted and who stays. Fortunately there's the after-interviews and I deduce that they're all through except for Joanne, which was no surprise. One returnee was refreshingly honest in admitting that he choked, same as last year. I expect there's a lot of that going on in that first round.

Back for the second round of stand up, sit down: Paul Figsby sings "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". He's no Freddie Mercury, but then I guess he prefers being a live second-rate singer to a first-rate dead rock star. Marilou Martin provides us with one weak-ass version of "Chain of Fools". Melissa O'Neil sounds strained as she attempts "Concrete Angel". Amber Fleury provides a moment of light with "I Can't Make You Love Me". Maybe I'm biased - I love that song. Spencer Hari tries out his falsetto to poor effect in "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road". Alessandra Magnante has a not-so "Beautiful Disaster". Trainwreck. Carol-Lynne Atkey yells "Piece of My Heart" at us. That song really needs a band behind it. And some pipes that have seen more whiskey than sanely feasible at 17. Michael Martins butchers "I Have Nothing". Melanie Postma asks for a do-over and is dismissed. Suzi Rawn sounds great with "Me and My Bobbi McGee". Perhaps she's had more whiskey than Carol-Lynne.

Number, number, forward, backward, stay, go home. So confused. From the post-mortem, looks like Melanie, Carol-Lynne and Michael are headed home, Suzi is staying and the rest are up in the air but I assume Alessandra is also history.

Meanwhile back on the stage, Robin Benedict does just fine with "Hot Stuff". Daryl Brunt sings "Let 'Er Rip" and is not too bad for a 16 year old boy singing a Dixie Chicks song about heartbreak. Chelsea Johnson brings some church to "Sittin' By the Dock of the Bay" and sounds great. Cher Maendel does better than fair on "To Be With You". Julie Teller earns a bunch of cred with the judges by singing "Little Wing". That's Jimi Hendrix for the chronologically impaired out there. Raven Spier, whom we last saw warbling Loreena McKennitt in her audition, switches to Carol King and is listless, off-key and boring. Devika Mathur sings "Saving All My Love for You" and only misses a good rating from me due to my hatred of all things Whitney. Matt Humphreys scores big points from me by busting out the old Squeeze tune "Tempted" and killing it. And then Ashley Leitao caps it off in style with "Walkin' After Midnight", to which I give the best compliment - I wish I'd heard the whole thing. I loves me some Patsy Cline.

So we find that Raven gets the boot, even though she doesn't know why. Here's a hint, Raven: you blew chunks. Ashley and Daryl are through. I'm going to assume everyone else made it, they certainly seemed to meet the standard. And although he is not shown, I know from local reporting that Mark Levesque also missed the first day cut. And that is just about the dumbest thing I've heard from CTV. Here's a guy who made the top 32, they're clearly familiar with him, for whatever reason they let him compete again and send him to Toronto again, only to cut him the first day? For one thing, that makes no sense. For another, it totally ruins any chance of a catfight between him and Dave Moffatt over who gets more L'Oreal product.

So day one is over, and now Ben reports that there were 185 at the start and that 123 are left. Seeing as he previously reported 186 contestants and 60 cut, I think clearly CTV's math skills are remedial. At any rate, they've sent a third of the people home and now the rest have to do the group sing thing. I think the groups are entertaining and in years past have made for some of the best moments of the series but I don't quite understand where they fit in with judging these people for what is essentially a solo competition. Whatever, on with the traditional group dramas. As Ben voices over explaining about the group sing, we hear Erika saying to her group "we'll do the one no-one knows, One Fine Day". Uh-huh. Because that's such an obscure song, nobody else in this crowd of musicians/musical theatre geeks would ever know it.

Jon runs amuck in the hotel, juggling in one room, coercing some guys into a human pyramid in another, complimenting the girls on their PJs, bugging Barrett about hogging the bed. None of it is very funny. Hey, here's one of my early faves, Jen. She can't find her group. Poor Jen. Of course the camera crew finds it more entertaining to follow her rather than point her in the right direction. I'll just skip ahead to the obvious and let you know she finds her group and all is well. We see various groups rehearsing and sounding various levels of fine. A security guard warns people to keep it down but geez, you'd think that CTV would just book a couple of floors and call it done.

In addition to Jen not finding her group, another group is missing one. And here comes Little Miss Moffatt now (thanks, Tigger7). I guess this is as good a time as any to tackle the whole Moffatt issue. As a piece of stunt casting, I think it's working as CTV had hoped. As a chance for snark, Shoe and I agree that having El Moffioso on board is a definite plus. But I think it runs counter to the spirit of the competition, which is supposedly about finding Canada's best unknown singers. So I declare that It Sucks. And I also declare open season on his bitchy, affected, entitled, swishy, spiked-headed little ass.

So we find LMM and his mousse heading down the hall, camera crew in tow. He got sidetracked, by what he doesn't say. Meanwhile his group is standing around bitching about him being a prima donna, rather than practising. Which is the dumbest thing ever, because if you've watched this show before you know it's totally possible to get out of your group if one singer sucks. The judges allow for that. So kwitcherbitchin and get singin', and if the Moffanattor makes it, he makes it. If not, he's behind the 8 ball.

Anyways, back at the group, still bitching. Jason in particular is upset. And also a little off - you get the impression that the kid's head needs a little rewiring. Anyways, he declares Dave to be an OK guy but as he's "Mr. Moffatt" he's suffering from "rock star ego". Like himself, speaking from experience at all of 19 years old. Hubris, your clue to future rejections. Anyways, they get together and The Moffatt doesn't want people to make him feel bad. Because being late on the most critical night yet in these young men's career is unimportant. To Dave, anyways, who will be stunt-casted past any stage into the top 32, else what's the point? And then he admits he left the group to do his own thing. One thing's for sure - when people talk about how much they miss their fellow contestants, he won't be one of the ones they're talking about.

It's Day Two, time for the groups. There's a group warmup and shots of various nervous contestants. Suzi says she's gonna puke. On that outfit, who would notice?

"One Fine Day" not being so obscure after all is picked by nearly every group of girls. So we get a pretty good medley of the various groups. Ashley, Alinka and Erika stand out in this first sequence. Did I mention Alinka is really, really pretty? I may have mentioned that. Cher and Melody stand out too, but not in a good way. Zack comments that after so many renditions of OFD he's ready to jump out of a window. In the post-mortem some girls opine that no yelling from Zack is a good sign. I think sometimes the opposite - yelling from Zack means he's engaged. More on that later...

Back from the break, it's time for the boy groups who traditionally suck. This year is no different as we open with Jenner mutilating "How Deep Is Your Love". His more tuneful team-mate is Hagop Porpossian. Let it never be said that the group lacked Porposs. Thank you, I'm here all week. At least, it sure feels like I'm here all week. Hagop, when the mouthful your parents cursed you with makes as much sense backwards as forwards (try it!), it's time to opt for the stage name.

So on we go with the medley of suckage. No guy seems to be capable of doing anything remotely interesting with the song, and only 50% of them sing in a way bearing any resemblance to music. Lord, but that was painful. Zack sums it up as "spectacularily awful" and really, who can disagree? Jenner says if he had sung in any discernable key, it would have been OK. Boy can at least self-diagnose, the first step on the road to recovery.

Vince, Serge, Jimmy and Luke are the first to tackle "I'll Make Love To You". It's all going reasonably well until a well-intentioned attempt to sing counterpoint by Luke goes horribly astray. The judges like it for some unfathomable reason. The Moffat, Jason and company don't fare nearly as well with "You've Really Got a Hold of Me". Sass' one word comment seems apt: "Trainwreck".

Just so the boys don't feel lonely, we get to see the two or three girl groups who blew up real good. Isabelle makes up words on the spot, which doesn't do anything to disguise how badly she's singing. Lourdes draws a blank but carries on, but Sogol asks for the never-popular redo. And back to boys sucking. Lucas forgets the words and his partners hang him out to dry. Zack quite correctly dresses them down for it. Diego Alvarez asks to start over again on "Til I Am Myself Again" which generates another blast from Zack. Mass suckage from the guys ensues. It's a wonder any of them made it through.

Hey, some of the girls got to sing a really horrible Suzanna Hoffs song. Amanda and her partners are just finishing up a non-harmonious and shrill version of "Eternal Flame" when Zack decides to take issue with Amanda's presentation. He asks her, politely but no-nonsense, to step forward and sing to the audience rather than her partners. When she immediately looks at them, he yells at her. It spirals into the uncomfortable zone as what little self-confidence Amanda has gets shattered under increasingly strident demands from Zack. I'm of two minds on this one. We know Zack doesn't give people second chances and lose his temper unless he sincerely cares for their future. On the other hand, Amanda clearly isn't up to this level of "constructive criticism". On the third hand (only us hoopy froods have three) clearly this is a wake-up call she needs - if she can't take getting yelled at by one guy in a near-empty auditorium, there is no way she is ready for the pressure of live TV, not to mention the crazed attack of CI fandom. After thoroughly weighing the evidence, I come to the conclusion that Zack had good intentions but executed like the thorough jackass he so often is. Jake agrees with me and administers the public beatdown, which Zack shrugs off because Zack is one of those people who is Never Wrong. Meanwhile, Amanda exits the theatre, looking more young and vulnerable than ever. This is a girl who was singing Christmas songs in her prom dress yesterday - she may not quite be ready for prime time. Ben administers hugs. By all accounts he seems to really care for the contestants, or at least has found that age-old key to success: faking sincerity. He encourages Amanda to stand up to Zack. Amanda doesn't look capable of standing up to a kitten at that point, and heads off to snuffle into a box of Kleenex for the afternoon.

Meanwhile, back at the auditions Brandy's "Have You Ever" receives a ham-handed pummeling by an assortment of girl groups. It's a souless piece of R&B light that I normally wouldn't pay the slightest attention to, made even more unmemorable by the generic characterless singing it's subjected to. The girls are at least more or less in tune but there's not an interesting moment in the entire montage.

According to Ben, 122 hopefuls performed today, but at the start of of day two, he claimed there were 123. Perhaps Man-Tan eventually percolates through the skin and starts to orange-ify the frontal lobe? We see the judges deliberating and messing with each other. At one point, Zack claims Alinka is gone. Zack, please don't joke about the eye candy.

They drag up the contestants in their various groups. A surprising number of awful groups get a complete pass. A wide variety of the boys we saw sucking earlier stay (Jenner, I'm looking at you), primarily I think because there were so few of them to start. Very few deserved it on the evidence. Interviews of the rejects follow, most of whom take it in stride but some of whom are upset. There are really no surprising cuts as we head into day three. And another recap.

According to Ben, who clearly Cannot Be Trusted, 19E is still soul-shopping amongst 91 young fame-whores as day three looms. It's time for more speeches. Jake congratulates them, then lets them know that half of their sorry asses will be going home the next day. Farley uses a painful carpentry reference about hammering screws and screwing nails to ask them to not try to change at the last minute. Sass claims they've been doing that to her all day, which explains why she looks so tired. Zack seethes that they'd better show what they've got, if they got it. Get it? Good.

Ben over-voices that the contestants had a few hours to select a partner, pick one of five songs and rehearse for duets the next day. This provides an excuse for Jon, badly in need of a shower, a shave, and a sense of humour, to wander around the hallways bugging people. He watches several couples in the early stages of rehearsal. Or at least, I hope they're figuring out what not to do. He mugs for the camera as Dexter sings for him. Some random hotel guest kicks him out of the hallway as he offers encouraging words to Aaron and Barbra. Aaron has apparently wandered in from the eighties complete with purple headband. Jon asks Dave and Sheena what will happen if one of them makes it and the other doesn't. Foreshadowing! Your guide to quality entertainment. They are of course appropriately perky. Then he pops in on Jason and Amanda. Amanda proclaims Jason to have a "really awesome rock voice". Jason has no lack of confidence in himself, either. Dun dun dun. After consulting on bedtimes with another couple, John finally faces rejection with a note under the door. Although it says "lol", there is no actual laughing out loud coming from behind the door. I for one am laughing out loud every single time I sign a post or email with "lol". You lot had better stop lying, or there's going to be consequences!

Finally it's Day Three. Ben appears to give us some dreck about musical soulmates. He looks like an actual human being this year. I credit smaller, less shiny hair and a complexion that looks less like he was attacked by a vat of Tangerine Dye #3 and more like he spends way too much time in the tanning salon.

There's some last minute rehearsals in the lobby where various contestants prove they can look just as dorky singing into Nalgene bottles as the average kid with a hairbrush in the bathroom. Bree and Stephanie are first up in the montage of "Time After Time" renditions. Stephanie starts OK. Bree joins in with a harmony that is mercifully cut short. There's a brief snippet of Erika and Diego, then Jade and Alinka. We bounce around amongst the three couples, then switch to Dianelys and Melody, Alinka and Jade and then go for a rather lame finish with Bree and Stephanie thanking the judges for their time. Ben VOs "that's how it's done". Maybe it was good in person. I think Bree and Stephanie might have been better served finishing strong than tacking on a lame ass-kissing coda. The judges liked it, and seem surprised to find that they paired up because nobody else picked them.

"I Got You, Babe" is next up on the chopping block as various couples compete to see who's the worst. Amanda and Angela take the gold with a combination of flat, shakey singing, forgotten lyrics and flustered stage presence. Aaron and Barbra don't drop the ball quite so badly, but I award silver based on incompatibility - Barbra is all flat, listless and indifferent to the whole process while Aaron seems to want to turn this bit of novelty fluff into a soul shouter. He's not convincing me he has much soul with that damned purple headband leftover from aerobics class. Sarah and Chelsea are close behind in third, yelling at each other the whole time. None of the couples seem to find the spirit of the song at all, except for Dave and Sheena. They clearly care for each other and it shows in the performance. I found their duet to be fun and even a little touching. Dave clearly comes out the better - he's got a good voice and looks like an energetic guy. Sheena unloads a horrid nasally bray on her last big note that knocks the snark right back into me. Even so, Farley provides a standing O. Zack comments that even if they're booted, they'll always have that moment. Awww.

Back to the suck. Cheryl and Jenner tackle "Time After Time". It starts out sorta not bad but then spirals into trainwreck territory as Cheryl forgets the lyrics. Zack asks Jenner to sing the chorus. Jenner, given the opportunity to rally and prove that at least he was prepared, chokes in the worst possible way: by singing a few bars really, really badly and then forgetting the rest of the lyrics. The judges kick his ass out the door, knowing they'll have to cut him now no matter how telegenic the ducktail. He never should have made it past the groups.

Amanda and Jason take a swing and a miss at "Ain't Nothin' Like the Real Thing". Amanda starts fairly strong but as she carries on it becomes clear that Jason's rock star ego didn't take into account actually, you know, memorizing stuff. He tries to noodle along and she loses confidence, falling out of key and starting to botch the lyric herself. And this, I think, is where the proverbial last nail went into her coffin. Had she continued strong and kicked ass while he flailed, she might have proven to the judges that she had the grit for the competition. Jason was a goner already, she could have pulled the save. Amanda graciously declares herself an "emotional headcase" and thanks them for the opportunity to sing another time.

In the postmortem, Jason declares it "really brutal" while Jenner says "worse than we ever could have possibily imagined". Bree can't believe it happened to her again in the second year. I think it's even more likely to happen the second time, because you have a whole year to psyche yourself out. Meanwhile, it's all about Jason who is still thinking he might be back the next day. Amanda is more honest with herself, she knows she's going home. Jenner and Bree declare it to be the hardest, most stressful thing they've ever done in their whole lives. I can believe it. They have yet to deal with a really sick kid. Jason, digging the hole of asshattery even deeper for himself, declares that there was "no vibe". Yeah kid, well there weren't any lyrics either, thanks to you. Amanda blames his "lack of dedication to the song", which was definitely the cause of his downfall but not necessarily hers - maybe when she comes back a year older, she'll have the confidence to overcome a bad partner. Other people certainly have. Jason apologises and claims that they did their best. If that was their best, they had no business showing up at their hometown auditions. Or the school talent show, for that matter.

Josh and Sarah score some redemption for the CI duets with a really good version of "Ain't Nothin' Like the Real Thing". It has a groove, it has that vibe Jason missed, mostly it has the sound of something that had actually been rehearsed by competent singers. The judges let us know that they were the only couple so far that actually knew the song. No more renditions of that piece follow, instead we move into a montage of "From This Moment".

For once, it's all good. We see Aaron and Brittani, Dave and Bobbi, Keely and Matt plus Chad, Ashley and Barrett whose partners remain strangely anonymous or at least untitled. JHFan tells me Barrett's partner is Stacy. Ashley and her partner show some nice harmony. Aaron sings pretty much as you'd hope a big man would sing, with a lot of power and yet without yelling. I really like his voice. Brittani has that annoying habit of keeping time by tapping her fingers on the mike. She blends well with Aaron. Chad is nasal, but on-key. His anonymous partner is the weakest of the bunch but it's a pretty strong bunch and she is still OK. Dave sings very well, with a nice break in his voice. Bobbi shows some warm tones. Matt and Keely harmonize well. They go to the finish with Chad and Chadette, staring moonily into each other's eyes. Chadette picks that moment to lose track of pitch. It's a weak ending between the two weakest singers, but it's saved a little by their sincerity. Overall this was probably the strongest sequence so far, and if I had to pick a winner I'd say it was Aaron. What a voice! I can only hope he will make it through to the top 10, but his size and age are going to give him problems what with all the powervoting kids.

In the follow-up interviews, Dave claims that he looked into Bobbi's eyes and it was "pretty much sex on stage". Bobbi responds with a big laugh, because what else are you going to do when your gay best friend teases you? Aaron understates that he thought he did his best, or hopes he did. A modest man of not-so-modest talent, I think.

While the judges deliberate, the contestants chill. This year, they are announcing the top 48 by stamping "SAFE" or "ELIMINATED" on the back of their 8X10s. Ben examples that he is safe, while Jon is eliminated. Like the lawyers in the quicksand, that would be a good start. I like the photo-labelling mechanism, it made for good TV and allows the contestants to choose for themselves how to reveal their status and react. The contestants seem to agree.

Suzi is as unsurprised as the rest of us to be safe. Alinka is also safe to noone's surprised. Ivy is Out. Ashley is safe, her duet partner is not. Melody, Casey and Chad are safe. Melissa is bounced. Michelle is safe. Amanda is crushed to learn that she is eliminated, even though she was fairly sure about it. Jason declares himself "officially pro" after getting rejected. Tell that to the various top 32 who are back here a year later looking for a pro career. Amanda still doesn't quite get it, tearily proclaiming her hope for another chance because it wasn't her fault. Dave made it but Sheena gets the boot - she pastes on a smile and is happy for her man and for the camera. Jenner's going home but his duet partner who sange maybe two notes is safe. Cheryl is as surprised as I am. Jenner interviews that he's proud of himself and has no regrets. I'd be interested to hear how many regrets he doesn't have after beating himself up on the plane ride home. Emily and a very bouncy Rex are safe, as is Genevieve. Bunches more happy, safe people are shown, none of whom are big surprises.

Ben explains that it's the last night, everyone's exhausted, and more people will go home tomorrow. With all of that, they have to learn a new song overnight. Vocal coach Sarah Morrison exhorts the contestants to look for songs that will work for them. Apparently what will work for Vince, Chad and Diego is "Heaven". Alinka says she wants to look like a star. That part has been covered already by some good genetics.

Cher is the first up on day 4 and starts by graciously thanking the judges. She then does a nice job with "There You'll Be" but doesn't knock anyone's socks off. She's very happy and interviews on her way up the stairs that she finally showed them she can sing. Apparently we've seen her best already, and I'm not inspired to vote. Danny Papadatos, who I don't recall from previous shows, does a good job with "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" but again with the un-spectatularness. Bobbi Smith also chooses Faith Hill and I like her a little better than Cher, mostly on tone as technically they're both pretty good. Matt Kennedy sings the over-used "Overjoyed" well enough. Casey LeBlanc sings some Carole King and has some beautiful tone. Amber Fleury brings back the Faith and sounds a little strained compare to previous performances but still OK. Rex Goudie does a sort of country rap version of "Heaven", still wearing that damned hat. Speaking of damned hats, Barbra Preisman comes out in a pink cowboy hat and an equally horrid outfit and does an annoyingly affected "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue" before we break for commercial.

In the first group, nobody outright sucks, nobody blows me away. I must say that this season has been consistent with the spine-chilling moments being pretty much absent. Last year I remember seeing Annie and Theresa in their auditions, and then looking for them every single show hoping for another glimpse of brilliance. Not one contestant this year has stepped forward and delivered something that made me want to look for that person again. It's kind of depressing.

Back to the contestants and more Faith. Michelle Madiera is competant. Darryl Brunt changes up "Heaven" with some church-y runs and a little country twang. I liked it. Giselle Correia decides that Barbra's hat wasn't ugly enough for her and shows up in some beaded toque monstrosity to sing "So Far Away". Genevieve Nadeau is the first contestant to falter with a pitchy version of Faith. Erica Peck inserts a little more blues into "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue" and is the class of the female singers so far. I honestly don't understand why she doesn't make the cut. I hope to see her on wildcard night. Vince performs a more conventional version of "Heaven" which is perfectly suited to his raspy voice. I liked it quite a lot. Suzi proves she can sing Whitney just as loudly as anyone and belts out "I Have Nothing".

That's fifteen contestants and no major wreckage yet. Must be about time for the montage o'failure. Melissa, Jade and Julie all get about one bar into their songs before forgetting their lyrics. Melissa tries to switch it up with a little Les Miz but is dismissed. Stephane forgets the tune to "I Need You" and fakes his way through it with some other tune I don't recognise.

Sass interviews that what the contestants are asked to do is extremely hard, and that stage fright is "blocked energy". Cue a succession of choking contestants, set to Sass singing "Stage Fright", which is an old Bob Dylan tune. Sass sounds and looks great and demonstrates that when it comes to singing and performing, she walks the talk. This was all recorded in studio, but having seen Sass live I know she could have jumped up on stage and thrown that number off without effort. This would never, ever happen on American Idol. For one thing, Randy would never fit into those jeans.

Ben voices over that this is the last time the judges have any control over the outcome. Aside from picking the wildcard round and steering the voters via their comments of course. The judges are deliberating the top 32 but when they're done they've only picked 31. They haggle over who it should be and eventually pick... maybe some of you can pick out who it is but my clunky old VCR won't freeze it well enough to tell. Anyways, job done it's time to go fuck with the contestants' heads.

Doomed Saskatchewan contestants Steve and Danny interview that it was very hard but that it was all worth it. Future eliminatees Casey, Erica, Bobbi and Chelsea interview variously that "everyone wants it", "it's still going to be whittled down", "it's really scary, you don't feel safe" and that "people will be leaving". Would you like a little "buh" with that "bye"?

Dave interviews that he's going all the way. Well, CTV could only guarantee him top 32, now he's actually going to have to sweat. Erika says "of course I wanna win this", and I only hope she'll get the chance.

As usual, they divide them into three rooms, one of which goes home. In the first room, Jake suckers them in by pretending not to be able to do it and leaving Farley to complete the deed. Of course in the real loser room Sass is straightforward. Various people are interviewed and generally are good about it. And in the last room Zack delivers the news. Gone are Erika (sniff), Danny, Bobbi, Steve, Jade, Chelsea, Chad and a few others that I can't quite figure out. I'd list the winners but y'all can check the website yourselves. Stay tuned next week when Shoebox applies her prodigious talent to skewering Group 1. I might have a word to say myself.