This review courtesy Calla, from the Kalan Porter fanclub forum, whose generosity in rescuing me from my own technical incompetence - who knew VCRs needed tapes in them to record stuff? - went way, way above and beyond.
Welcome to Canadian Idol, where ‘they sing the notes’ – well, theoretically – and ‘you’ve got the votes’ – not for long, if this keeps up. And I am truly hoping it doesn’t, if for no other reason than it’s becoming really really hard to find snappy comebacks to the maternal cracks about ‘having to cover Tiny Talent Time.”
Anyhow, hope springs eternal. So does Benedict, onto the stage to toy sadistically with our hopes and…um, I mean, intro the latest batch of wannabes. Wow, he looks…glossy, tonight. He hasn’t broken out the Idol Host Ken look in awhile – I think he even managed to match the skin tone.
So, judges. Still here. Zack in the black shirt you picked up at Willie Nelson’s last garage sale, are you guys planning on going nice or nasty tonight? Zack leans back. “Oh, I think there’s a bit of friskiness in the air…a bit of capering nihilism floating around. What do you think?” What I think is somebody’s clearly about ready to stuff TPTB’s memos where the sun don’t shine. Unfortunately by now Ben’s halfway prepared for the Eeevil, but still…sweet.
Sass in a green silk scarf and corduroy (!) jacket – do you think the Top 10 thus far is lacking anything? Boy, did they know where to go to avoid getting a direct answer to THAT question.
Sass would merely like to see some more testosterone, smirk smirk smirk. I would be all eyeroll eyeroll eyeroll as per usual, but then again, we’re both facing however many weeks of Darryl the Diva. Plus now that Jason’s got a record deal he’s probably not returning her calls anymore.
Farley in pale green linen - unanimous predictions last week, only made 50/50, comments?
“Hey, we hit the statistical mean, what’s your point?” is what I am dying to hear in response. However Farley, ever patient, merely murmurs that song choice likely did Josh in, because he’s also way too cool a guy to add “That, and the fact that dude looks like the love child of Donovan and Elton John.”
Jake in sober grey suiting, what lesson can this group learn from the last one...besides, y'know, the one about not sucking? "They've gotta step it up," Jake exhorts, no doubt confusing the heck out of 95% of his audience. This is Idol, Gold. They are stepping it up. Don't look at me, you signed the contract.
Barbra Preisman, Thornhill, ON. Style: Oh, so that’s where Pink Cowboy Hat Girl went. And I don’t have to be terrified by the implications of same anymore, sort of, because as it turns out all Barbra really lives to do is scat. She’s a jazz artiste. And if she wasn't so insistent about it, that just might mean something.
I Can’t Give You Anything But Love. Eh. Fun in the moment, but then, so is Oops, I Did It Again...and it's probably just as fundamentally soulful. From all I can tell Barbra here is just a nice little suburban girl who loves to sing along to her favourite Big Band records. The resulting scratchy-cute tone seriously bugs after awhile, especially when she's scatting. I'd save my votes for Jenn in the wildcard.
Joe Dwarf: I thought she sang well enough but the whole performance was just a little too casual to grab the voters' attention. I'm not sure what the outfit was all about, it somehow managed to make a very petite person look kind of dumpy. Maybe it's the worn-out jeans and the belt strapped across the ass. Speaking of which, wiggling that ass back and forth like a little kid who's just learning to dance the hokey-pokey doesn't exactly make for great stage moves.
Shoebox: Hey, at least she lost the cowboy hat. But yeah, again, the discrepancy between the amount of flair Barbra thinks she has and the amount she’s showing off here is pretty glaring.
Judges: Fervent relief must have strange side effects, because a full three of 'em think she’s just the most totally precious and special thing they’ve ever seen…’a fresh of breath air,’ to coin a Sass-ism, and man, it is way too early in the season to be doing that. Thank goodness for a severely undewhelmed Zack.
“You’re gonna be introducing a whole new generation to jazz.” Oh great, one more reason to fear for the fate of civilization as we know it. Besides the entire franchise, that is.
Ben turns his attention to Giselle. Giselle, you’re a makeup artist, correct? Correct. Love the glamour stuff, the special effects…“So, how do I look?” Hee, that was brilliant timing. Although probably not intentional.
“Oh, you look great!” Giselle enthuses without missing a beat, thus proving herself past mistress of the butt-kissing part of the job at least. Anyone truly concerned about the state of Benedict’s face would’ve confiscated his trowel long ago. Then again, anyone truly concerned about style wouldn’t be wearing that blouse. Either way, it isn’t looking good in re: Giselle being taken to my heart forever.
Joe Dwarf: Singing an old Pretenders song in a magenta blouse you might wear to a wedding? Not quite happening.
Shoebox: Gisele Correia, Mississauga, ON. And look, it’s Goofy Headgear Night to boot. Somebody please tell me that isn’t an actual tea cozy on her head? Anyhow, Giselle vid-bios relentlessly about what a fantastic experience this is...all the while looking bored out of her mind. Maybe I should send an inspirational message or two after all, or at least a wake-up call.
Brass In Pocket. Aaaaaaaand...the boredom continues. I dunno, it’s a great solid vocal, she’s at least got the right idea performance-wise, but…I forgot all about it practically as it was coming out of her mouth. Some vital spark just isn’t there. I’ll let our resident Pretenders ‘spert here explain...
Joe Dwarf: Chrissie Hynde is one of the truly great rock singers, male or female. Listening to Giselle perform this muted version of Brass In Pocket only reminded me of how ballsy Chrissie is, how distinctive her tone, how much attitude she projected especially in her early stuff. It didn't do anything to convince me Giselle has any of those qualities.
She started kind of hanging on the mic stand, which was awkward, and progressed to a choreographed strut, which was even more awkward. I also found the piano backup repetitive and overbearing, and really distracting from the vocal. On the plus side, she has a strong voice and didn't hit any clunkers that I could hear. Overall it was listenable, it just ... wasn't going to convince anyone to pick up a phone and dial.
Shoebox: Judges are also ‘uninspired’, to quote Sass, to whom I tend to pay more attention when classic rock’s at issue. Zack manages to get off a cute line/backhanded compliment about last week being ‘Lawrence Welk Idol’.
“Not only was that great, you look amazing!” Uh-huh. Ben, I keep coming thisclose to declaring you on the verge of watchable, and you just keep on pulling me forcibly back from the abyss...
Diego Alvarez, Montreal QC by way of Medellin, Colombia. Style: Wow, by rights Diego should be a lot more interesting than he comes across in his vid-bio, wherein he’s basically all cute and likeable and…well, cute. Also, seriously, enormously likeable. If there’s a fund to bring his family over, tell me where.
Just don’t ask me to vote for him. Because somehow he’s gotten it into his cute shaggy l’il head that he can sing George Michael. Specifically, Teacher, which even if it wasn’t veering way deep into This Reviewer’s Favourites territory is just a tragic, tragic idea. It’s barely possible the Diego-that-should-be could’ve pulled it off without drowning in the campiness, but Diego-on-my-screen? Not so much.
Joe Dwarf: He sang this one sort of like a Latin soap opera star in training - the popping eyebrows, the toothy grin, the overall awareness that he is a sex-ay latin lov-air (insert "ssss" sizzle sound here).
Shoebox: In other words, Enrique Lite, which I didn’t think was physically possible. Under the Veleeta coating, though - and barring a couple badly missed top notes - there’s definitely something connecting me to the vocals. Which is a first on the night.
Joe Dwarf: Zack really ripped on this performance and sure there were a few clunkers but overall I thought he did a not horrible job. There were a few really nice notes and if he didn't have to compete against two other cute boys he may have squeaked into the top 3. The song is not at all to my taste and the performance had several pounds too much cheese in it but I can see his appeal.
Shoebox:Judges: Do not pass up the opportunity to rip on Zack, deserved I think this once. Don’t really think it was strictly necessary to insist Diego was ‘feeling it’, though, Jake.
Devika Mathur, Toronto ON by way of Mumbai, India. Style: Oh, tons and tons. Bright, beautiful, fun, articulate, interesting; just imagine the possibilities when Bollywood meets Idol. And all of this just enough down-to-earth to keep the female audience from hating her en masse…
Joe Dwarf: I'll just be upfront about my Devika love. Mrs. Dwarf was wondering how such a recent immigrant can be so poised, confident and comfortable not only singing in second language but just in general. I suspect talking into a mic everyday as a DJ helps.
Shoebox: …and she’s singing a Mariah ballad. [sound of recapper whacking head repeatedly against monitor] First Dianelys, now this. Man, Western cultural imperialism has a lot to answer for.
At any rate, she does have the wit and maturity (or so I prefer to believe, in preference to lack of power) to keep the whole understated and let her truly lovely, perfectly controlled tone do all the emotive work….and oh, that smile. Unfortunately, there’s just nothing even remotely interesting here for her to emote. Overall the effect resembles those unsettling moments when what you thought was a real live person at a distance turns out to be a statue.
Joe Dwarf: Hero is not a song I'd pick to listen to, ever, but I really enjoyed her restrained, mature performance. Aside from a sort of awkward yelp on the "yeah", everything was on the money, smooth and nuanced. She has great presence and charisma, and comes across as genuinely warm and interesting when interviewed. She is also one gorgeous work of art. She was in tough tonight but I hope she comes back for the wildcard. I thought she'd be top 3 but Canada surprised me and voted Amber through. I'd like to see both of them for a while.
Shoebox: Yeah, I think overall we have confirmation here that the CI gender demographics are not top-heavy on testosterone.
Judges: Do not overlook the visual, are also impressed by the vocal. Farley adds an odd crack about ‘your cultural presence’, which I frankly can't think of a way to make funny about, so never mind.
Field trip! To an actual cool, funky place where the Idols can show off actual personality! Kensington Market, here we come. They frolic among the vintage clothes, Barrett (natch) makes the girls cute pink tees, I start wondering uneasily if Rex is working one of those won’t-take-the-hat-off-til-he’s-out superstitions. Other than the silly cameo by the L’Oreal curling irons this is about as much fun as an Idol sketch gets.
Rex Goudie, Burlington NL by way of Dawson’s Creek, BC…no, really. Style: Well, evidently it didn’t leave too much of a mark, because Rex b’y is basically a walky-talky CODCO sketch. Accent, warehouse denims, ballcap, my constant urge to ask him if he’s serious, the whole package.
After the Rain. OK, so from a purely technical standpoint Rex doesn’t do what we call ‘singing’, exactly. Yelling on-key, is more like it. But that’s OK, because as it turns out what Rex can do is turn all the raw emotion of a Blue Rodeo song inside out and emerge with something just as true but totally, uniquely, his own. Plus he’s just ridiculously watchable, if only because he's the most delusion-free Idol contestant I’ve ever seen.
In short he’s everything I was fondly hoping J.Greeley might turn out to be, in the long-ago time before Bar Boi started pointing at me…then again, Rex has a lighter. The fact that I’m still looking hugely forward to having him around says quite a bit about Rex’s native charms…but don’t push it, kid, ‘kay?
Joe Dwarf: I find this kid to be immensely likeable. He is, in the parlance of my native Saskatchewan, a good shit. He comes across as 100% sincere, and also is a naturally engaging performer. Somehow he is able to pull off cheesy stage moves like holding an (unfortunately unlit) lighter aloft. Why? He got all his new buds on the couch to hold their lighters up, too, that's why. Dude had backup. It helps that he can sing, with the kind of rough-hewn emotion necessary to cover Blue Rodeo. I think he used up all 2 seconds of his falsetto before it would've cracked, but he got through that and was otherwise strong, on-key and true to the song. Absolutely a lock to go through this round, especially with the hometown support, and I think you're looking at a top three finisher.
Shoebox: Or until they get to Big Band night, whichever comes first. However I do suspect even Rex tanking hopelessly with a theme would still get way more votes than Darryl trilling his little heart out.
Judges: Love is all around: Jake thinks he’s a great performer, Farley agrees. Sass finally gets her ‘Sexy Rexy’, and I’m back to cringing. Zack calls him HatBoi (plus is stung into a rare long-term prediction), I’m back to giggling. Canadian Idol, folks, is back on track.
Michelle Madeira, Mississauga ON…boy, the ol’ town’s getting quite the representation tonight. I wish I could tell you that meant naturally colourful contestants, but, sadly, it mostly just means they probably spend a whole lot of time at the mall. Style: Everything I know I learned from watching Idol. (Except my shiny new wardrobe, of course. I got that at Winners.) I am truly blessed to be on this stage...You may commence fleeing for the hills any time now, audience.
One Moment in Time. Sigh. Y’know, kiddies, I’m not saying there’s any direct connection between Whitney having to sing this kind of thing for years and years and her current status as a washed-up crackhead. However.
OK, song hatred vented, it’s a nice performance. She has a nice voice, and unlike last week's princess is not completely under the illusion that it’s all about the ‘long notes’. Unfortunately, she also a)picked a song that really is all about the long notes, and b)her Idol Barbie act had to follow what will surely go down as one of the great displays of actual artistic creativity in CI history.
Joe Dwarf: She's really pretty, and she's singing Whitney. That's about all you can say, really. She's competent enough but there's nothing new, interesting, or remotely re-dial-inspiring about her. We already have Emily to fill her slot, and she has a stronger voice. Not a wildcard candidate, I think.
Shoebox: Judges: Ditto, ditto, ditto; ‘You sang really well,’ says Jake. Zack takes another potshot at last week’s group via how well Michelle woulda done then, not that he’s bitter or anything.
"Well, let me prove it in the Top 10, then," Michelle shoots back. Wow, Barbies come with pull-strings now?
Barrett Peitsch, Winnipeg, MB. Style: You may recall Tall-Fair-and-Dimpled here from last season, when he washed out of the top 100 after assuring the judges that nothing as petty as potential singing stardom was gonna delay his wedding? …Yeah, exactly. If the Archie comics ever get an Idol franchise, he is so the winner. No, wait, he’d be the loveable lunkhead who’d nobly give up the prize to his plucky female competition, whom I totally see resembling Kelly Clarkson.
Anyhow…Walking in Memphis It's easy to see where this song might have been a great, not to say intriguing, choice: the whitebread guy gets an education in true soul. But although Barrett aced the pop quizzes - there’s a really nice clean rockabilly approach in there somewhere - he appears to have pretty much napped through the final exam in Passion 101. Secondly, it’s difficult to tell if you’re feeling anything genuine worth noting when you’re racing the pianist…and even less so when you’re losing.
Joe Dwarf: Barrett takes a lot of shit for being pretty. So yeah, he's tall and dimply and moussed to within an inch of his life but he can at least hold a tune. There are several moments in there where he shows some nice tone. He's a little nervous though and keeps rushing the tempo of the song, but Mr. Lalalalama is keeping it steady, curse his professional timekeeping abilities, so Barrett has to bring it back and we hear the rhythm problems mentioned by the judges. I suspect if he gets through the wildcard his limited abilities will show and Shoe and I will beat him like a red-headed stepchild. But so far, not horrible. I predicted him to be top 3 based on looks and sufficient talent and was right.
Shoebox: Judges: Three people bowing to the inevitable more or less graciously, and one Jake raging bravely against the dark night of dimples. “Best part as just after you stopped,” he barks. Barrett is hurt, and will undoubtedly go home and drown his sorrows at Pop’s Pizza.
Amber Fleury, Calgary, ON. Style: Uhm. No big deal about the weight, but the accessories...Herewith, the relevant portion of the inner monologue that the critical faculties and I keep up while watching CI:
Faculties: Oh, c’mon, this doesn’t qualify as a special enough occasion for conditioner?
Me: I dunno, I like the sheer refreshing honesty of it. She's all about the music. Which you keep insisting is your top priority.
Faculties: When I’m buying CDs, sure. But I do like to look at something a touch more inspiring than an honest sincere legal secretary. Come to think of it, most legal secretaries I've ever looked at have been more inspiring than this.
Me: Mm-hm. When Jacob and Kalan routinely showed up in ratty t-shirts last year I don’t recall any whining and complaining on this-here website…?
Faculties: That’s different, they’re teenage males. You’d think a 26-year-old woman could work up a bit more respect for her audience…
Me: Look, don’t make me come over there with the Susan Sontag, OK?
…We never did figure it out.
I Can’t Make You Love Me…Don’t worry, I’ll get to the pure Ambu-lurve shortly. But it’s justice for all here at Snark Central, so before we go any further I need to point out that:
a)I think Zack is physically compelled to tell at least three people per season that they’re The Best Evah, and he’s way behind quota this year;
and
b) The last time a Top 32 contestant got up there and blew Canada away with her brilliant rendition of a song that she had performed so many times before because it held deep personal meaning, she was named Candida. Not drawing any direct comparisons at all, just sayin';
and
c) Kalan, Theresa, Jacob, Billy and quite possibly Rex. All of whom, I think, will get there someday in their own way.
So no, I'm not gonna call Amber Teh Best Idol Evah just yet…but right then? In that moment? Hell, yeah. Unbelievably rich, professional-level control, nakedly emotive…just splendid. All the stuff the kids are still trying to figure out - or imagine Disney will explain - this woman already understands. And has clearly earned the understanding the hard way; she reminds me strongly of Jann Arden, singing because it's the only way to make sense of it all. Just…splendid.
Joe Dwarf: I've said it before - anyone who chooses I Can't MakeYou Love Me has an advantage right out of the gate. What a song, and if you have the sort of warm tone and emotional connection that Amber has, it can't help but be an affecting performance. This song has been sung by a lot of people but I don't think anyone has done a better job, although my beloved K-Lo sounded fine too.
Amber is, as the judges say, in an uphill battle against the cute boys. She looks like she's pushing 40 rather than 30 and is about as far from a pretty pink princess as you can get.
Shoebox:With all due and total respect, partner, I'm not buying the battle thing. The judges were likely so panicked at the mere idea of her not making the Top 10 - and rightly so - that they invoked the knee-jerk Idol 'lookism' controversy. Except it doesn't really apply to the Canadian format, at least not where this level of talent is concerned. If adorable, or even only, males are always what the voters crave, then how the blazes did we get to Brandy Callahan? Not to mention Theresa in the Top 2?
Joe Dwarf:In fact, one suspects from the wounded look in her eyes and the near tears of joy as the judges heap praise after praise, that she has taken her share of abuse from cruel schoolmates and that there are some good reasons why she can pour her heart into a song.
We'll see what she can do with disco...
Shoebox: Right. Or of course the standard winner’s dreck. Plus there's that alarming streak of country-roots-and-Celine-lurve running through the forum bio. But for now, I am content.
Judges: Administer the now-famous tongue-near-drowning, starting with the standing O and progressing through tingles and haunting tones to Best Ever. Although I wasn’t totally invested in every second of it for reasons as given above, there’s no denying all four are as visibly moved as I’ve ever seen them.
So…Amber, Rex, meet your…uh…competition. Except not. I really can’t sum it up any better than did a fellow TwoPer: “And once again, CI is so much cooler than AI it isn’t even funny.”