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The ‘What-if’ Series

 

We all know and love the ducks from the Brotherhood of the Blade.  But what would happen, if say, they were all merely actors in the well-known sitcom, The Brotherhood Blades?  And how would those actors differ from their ‘roles’?

God forbid, you are about to find out…

A Surgeon’s General Warning: The author apologizes in advance for any dizziness, nausea, hysteria, paranoia, or back pains caused by this article.  Please keep arms and legs inside the word document at all times, and do not have a drink in your hand while reading this, as your computer screen may suffer from it.  Compliments may be sent in the form of nice, crisp tens and twenties.  Insults will be ignored.  This interview is guaranteed as tripe, the whole tripe, and nothing but a lot of tripe, so help me Flipper.

Interview 2: Ender McMallard

 

FoxStar: Once again, I’ve managed to get an interview with one of the cast members of the Brotherhood Blades.  This time it’s Ender McMallard, the cool, collected soldier from an alternate dimension.  And, once again, we’ll continue to refer to him as Ender, for clarity’s sake.

Ender: [offers her a hand to shake]  Pleasure to meet you.

FoxStar: [takes it, then jerks her hand away as if stung]  What - ?!?

Ender: [snickers]  Man, everybody falls for that.  [pockets the joy-buzzer he’s holding]  Sorry.  Go ahead.

FoxStar: …right.  [cautiously checks her own chair before sitting down]  Um… so how did you wind up being chosen to play Ender?

Ender: Looked the part, I guess.  They wanted somebody really buff.  And somebody with a sexy voice.  [winks at FoxStar]  You know, you have beautiful eyes…

FoxStar: [scoots her chair back a bit]  Uh, thanks… why don’t you tells us about your character?

Ender: Bo-ring.  Ender almost never smiles!  It makes for a lot of outtakes, ‘cause I’m laughing when I should be looking aloof.  [sighs]  He’s supposed to be this soldier-type that makes polar ice look warm.  Y’know, the brooding kind.  Drives the girls crazy… except Ender’s not into girls.  Like, at all.  He has all these girls willing to fall at his feet in the show, but he’s not supposed do anything except look like he’s having teeth pulled when some chick asks him for a dance.

FoxStar: Ducks have teeth?

Ender: Oh, sure.  Here… [hands her a set of wind-up teeth]

FoxStar: [shrieks, and jerks away, the teeth falling in her lap]  Well.  [weakly]  An age-old mystery - solved.  [brushes the clacking teeth to the floor, shuddering]  Please, Ender… no more pranks?

Ender: [blinks]  For how many minutes?

FoxStar: [sighs]  Never mind.  [muttering]  The Darrell interview is looking better all the time…

Ender: I’m sorry?

FoxStar: Nothing.  So, does Ender have a girlfriend on the show?

Ender: For a while, it looked like he’d get Elaine.  But, no.  [looks disgusted]

FoxStar: How about you?  Do you have anyone special right now?

Ender: You offering?

FoxStar: [weakly]  Answer the question, please…

Ender: Yeah, at the moment, I have three girlfriends.

FoxStar: [stares]  Three?!?

Ender: Yeah.  Great gals.  But that doesn’t include my little black book.  A very thick book, too.  [winks at the camera]

FoxStar: O-kay.  [clears throat, riffling through her notes]  Um, it says here that you have the largest amount of cut footage of anybody on the cast.  Is this true?

Ender: Probably.  It’s just impossible for me to keep a straight face sometimes.  That, and the producers really hate improvisation…

FoxStar: Improvisation?

Ender: [rolls his eyes]  Sometimes the stuff he’s going to say just sounds so… trite, y’know?  I just try to spice something up a little, make it more interesting.  Like the time Ender was fighting Genesis…I was face-to-face, fighting it out to the death, that sort of thing… and I just decided it was a little too intense.  So I said, “Hey, we’ve got to stop meeting like this…”, with this wry, kind of ironic expression.  Next thing you know, the director’s yelling “Cut!”, and I’m getting chewed out.  Crow’s sense of humor is kinda questionable.  I don’t always know whether it’s there or not.  When it is, it’s scary…  I have to admit, we kind of blew that scene.  Genesis started laughing, and the shot went bad.

FoxStar: Are you and your arch-foe friends off-screen?

Ender: Absolutely not.

FoxStar: Would you care to tell us why?

Ender: He stole one of my girls once.  In the middle of a bar, man.  Just walks up, starts flirting, and the next thing you know, I’m left high and dry.  He can wreck the life of Ender maybe, but steal my gal?  Uh-uh.  I don’t forgive things like that.

FoxStar: …right.  [glances at her notes again]  So, in real life, are you really as muscular as you appear on TV?

Ender: [grins and gets up from his chair]  Definitely.  Here… [begins removing the jacket he’s wearing]

FoxStar: [hastily covers her eyes]  No.  Thank you; not necessary.  Please sit back down… and uh, tell us about your hobbies?

Ender: [looks mischievous] Well… probably drinking and partying.

FoxStar: [under her breath] And being a skirt-chaser…

Ender: I have to admit, I like playing jokes on people.

FoxStar: Have any of the cast ever suffered from those pranks?

Ender: Suffered?  Nah.  But they have gotten special attention from me every now and then.  There was the whoopee cushion in Iliana’s chair.  And the hot pepper in BJ’s soup.  And the time I stuck glue in Leila’s hairbrush…

FoxStar: Didn’t she try to kill you?

Ender: Nah.  She’s actually very mellow.  She’s just a good actor.  Cranks ‘Blind Rage’ to on, and is ready to go.

FoxStar: Good… because she’s my next interview.  Ender, it’s been nice talking with you.  [hides her crossed fingers]

Ender: [winks] Same here, doll.  Have a good one.

FoxStar: Thank God that’s over.  [notices the teeth, which are still chattering, and steps on them, grinding down with her heel]  I need an ibuprofen.  Two… at least things can’t get worse.  [mutters] I need a raise…

 

Ender McMallard is copyright Crow, and flirted with permission, though it did defy a few basic laws of nature, and it annoyed the heck out of me.  I used to take lunch money from guys like that…

…just kidding.  FoxStar is me, used with permission, and suffered because I’m in a sadistic mood, and besides, we only hurt the ones we love, right?