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The ‘What-if’ series

 

We all know and love the ducks from the Brotherhood of the Blade.  But what would happen, if say, they were all merely actors in the well-known sitcom, The Brotherhood Blades?  And how would those actors differ from their ‘roles’?

God forbid, you are about to find out…

A Surgeon’s General Warning: The author apologizes in advance for any dizziness, nausea, hysteria, paranoia, or back pains caused by this article.  Please keep arms and legs inside the word document at all times, and do not have a drink in your hand while reading this, as your computer screen may suffer from it.  Compliments may be sent in the form of nice, crisp tens and twenties.  Insults will be ignored.  This interview is guaranteed as tripe, the whole tripe, and nothing but a lot of tripe, so help me Flipper.

Interview 1: Darrell Evenfeather

 

FoxStar: The first interview in this series is with the actor who plays the role of the grouchy, ruthless businessman, Darrel P. Evenfeather – and just to keep things simple for you fans, we’ll continue to refer to him as ‘Darrell’.

Darrell: I’m sorry… which magazine did you say you were with again?

FoxStar: The Brotherhood Tattler.

Darrell: [looks puzzled]

FoxStar: A fan magazine.  The official magazine for this show.

Darrell: Oh… I generally try not to read those.  Some of the fan letters they print… shocking stuff.  I don’t know where kids get ideas like that.  I’m not sure I want to.

FoxStar: Probably from some of the other personalities on this show.  So tell me, as Darrell, what are you like?

Darrell: A jerk.  A very complex jerk, granted.  And occasionally, the screenwriters slip and make him do or say something that almost comes across as nice.  I think they were dead tired when they wrote those scenes.  [incredulous]  I mean, the guy’s not supposed to be likeable!

FoxStar: The number of fan-girls would seem to say otherwise…

Darrell: I don’t get that either.  I really don’t.  I mean, yes, I’m genuinely flattered that they seem to like my acting, but I really hope no one is choosing the guy fer a role model.  He’s constantly grouchy, bitter, nasty… and he always sounds like he’s just smoked an entire pack of cigarettes.  Really gravelly.  And Darrell swears a lot too.  He’s got a foul mouth.

FoxStar: What do you think they find so appealing about Darrell?

Darrell: Well, Darrell is kinda handsome.  Cute, maybe.  And a lot of women seem to like silent, moody types.  But he goes a bit beyond that.  My personal theory is the ‘wounded puppy syndrome’.  They see a handsome guy like that, who obviously has problems, and is hurting inside, and they want to make him feel better.  At least, I hope that’s why.  [shakes head]  Who knows what goes on in those girls heads anyway?  Not me.

FoxStar: How did you wind up with the part of Darrell?

Darrell: My agent called up, about six in the morning, right before I was heading out – I kinda like to get a short jog in each morning, watch the sunrise come up.  Makes the day start better.  Anyway, she was real excited, said I was being considered fer a part on this sitcom drama.  [grins slightly]  Actually, I was originally considered fer the part of Ranger Stormwing.  That part woulda been a lot more fun, but they really wanted someone with blue hair.  I coulda dyed my hair, but they wound up going with the guy they have playing him now.  [shrugs]  The producers decided they wanted me to play a villain, which I wasn’t exactly thrilled about, but it was money, and I’ve got a family to feed…

FoxStar: Tell us a little bit about your family.

Darrell: [smiles warmly]  Well Debbie and I have been married fifteen years now, and we’re still really happy together.  Bryan is our oldest, and just turned twelve.  He and I are both really into hockey, and it’s something we can do together now, since I signed up to help coach his hockey team this year.  Great bunch of kids.  Jenny is seven, and then the twins, Gabby and Amy, are five.  A real handful sometimes, but they’re great kids.  [looks proud]  I’ve got a crazy schedule here, but I’ve never missed a birthday or an anniversary.  Family time is really important to me.

FoxStar: Do you ever bring the kids to the set with you?

Darrell: I’ve let Debbie bring them in sometimes, introduced them to a few of the other actors.  But I never let them stay during a shoot.  I don’t let them watch the show either.  Bryan knows not to use language like that, but my daughters are too impressionable.  And they’re all too young to have to see some of the stuff in that show.  Plus, the twins are too little to realize that daddy isn’t the same person as on the TV screen.  I don’t really want them seeing their dad playing a villain.  Their daddy doesn’t like swearing.  It’s just my job.  But they’re just kids.  I want them to enjoy being kids.  So no, they really don’t pay attention to my career.

FoxStar:  Let’s go back to the cast of the show.  How do you get along with Ranger, your biggest rival on the show?  There’s been a hot debate about whether the two of you actually get along off-screen…

Darrell: Oh yeah, no question.  Actually, he’s Godfather to my kids.  Sometimes he watches them while Debbie and I catch a movie together.  Really nice guy.  We go golfing a lot.  But yeah, on screen, Ranger and I are supposed to hate each others guts.  A lot of the fans tend to think some of that stuff is real, but he’s just a really class actor.

FoxStar: Is there any truth to the rumor that he resents the fact you were originally going to play Ranger?

Darrell: You’d have to ask him.  I’d say no… He was considered fer another part himself… Marshall, I think.  But he put his foot down – decided there wasn’t any fun to Marshall’s part.  He wanted something that had a little more action, and at least a few girls.  Personally, I don’t know if he had the depth they were looking fer in that part… but that’s just hearsay…

FoxStar: Of course.  [crosses fingers under the table]  What would you say is the most tedious part of playing Darrell?

Darrell: The predictability.  I never have to wonder what mood he’ll be in fer the next scene, it’s almost always something negative.

FoxStar: What does the “P” stand for?  Any idea?

Darrell: Paranoid would be my guess.  [grins wryly]  I believe it stands for Primrose.  Poor guy never had a chance to grow up normally.  Vicki, one of the producers, saw to that.  You can almost feel sorry for him… almost.

FoxStar: A lot of fans have wondered, is the Southern drawl real?  And do you really like cinnamon rolls?

Darrell: The drawl is real, yes.  That I don’t have to fake.  But the voice is definitely not mine.  My voice coaches spent a lot of time with me on that.  The first day of shooting, I went home and could barely talk.  Darrell’s voice is really rough-sounding, and I got a sore throat from doing it fer a couple hours straight.  Lemon tea really helps that…

FoxStar: What about the cinnamon rolls?

Darrell: [clears throat]  I’m actually allergic to cinnamon.

FoxStar: Allergic?

Darrell: Violently.  They covered fer a while by cutting away while I was supposedly eating one, and they used a stunt double.  [shakes head]  Kinda hard to keep your reputation as a good actor when you need a stunt double to eat fer you.  They finally started using brown sugar instead of cinnamon, so I don’t wind up with the hives now.

FoxStar:  I suspect the costume would hide most of the reaction…

Darrell: Don’t get me started on that #@*& costume… sorry.  Kinda hard to switch gears from being Darrell sometimes.

FoxStar: What’s wrong with Darrell’s costume?

Darrell: Fer starters, it’s hot.  We’ve had a few summer shoots that took place in the city, and I almost melted.  He’s always wearing something with long sleeves and a high collar, usually a turtleneck.  And jeans, and heavy steel-toed boots… and that dang coat.  Long, hot, and heavy.  I suppose I have costuming to thank fer that.  I really wish the guy’d wear a polo shirt and shorts, just once…

FoxStar: Speaking of costuming, you recently shot a scene where your shirt was actually removed, while in the Infirmary.  Can you tell our female readers if any of those scars are real?

Darrell: None of ‘em.  But I spent about three hours getting them applied.  Makeup wanted ‘em to look real, and they took their sweet time about it.  But the final shot looked great.  Real dramatic.

FoxStar: Is there anything else you dislike about the role?

Darrell: Yeah, apple juice.  Darrell usually drinks apple juice.  I can’t stand the stuff.  I really wish he’d have a milkshake, coffee, anything – just once.  If I see one more glass of that stuff, I’m going to be sick.  I mean, why couldn’t they have made him like iced tea?

FoxStar: One last question – you play someone who is addicted to drugs.  How do you feel about that aspect of your character?

Darrell: I’m kinda glad he’s a drug addict.  [hastily clarifies his statement]  I mean, at least the producers don’t make the guy charming.  Drugs are bad stuff, an’ the kids out there don’t need to start idolizing a guy like Darrell.  If there has to be a drug addict on the program, at least he’s a villain… are you sure you don’t have any other questions?

FoxStar: Actually, I do.  What’s it like working for one of the head producers of this show, Vicki Eden?

Darrell: [winces]  I have to keep my job, okay?  Let’s just say it’s.. interesting at times, and leave it at that.  And painful.  And more often than not, embarrassing.  She kinda likes to torment Darrell… me, I just wish she’d get a dog, a cat, plants, anything - and spend her free time in more healthy ways than bugging Darrell.

FoxStar: So why do you continue to work for her?

Darrell: [softly] Bad contract… [coughs to cover the comment]  I mean, uh… she’s… interesting to work for.  Keeps life exciting.

FoxStar: What about all the bare-chested shots she keeps insisting on?

Darrell: [pales]  No comment.  None.  Sorry, ma’am, this interview’s over.  [shakes hands and exits in a hurry]

FoxStar: There you have it folks.  A peek at the life of ‘Darrell Evenfeather’.  Join us next week, where I’ll once again drag an actor from this show in by their thumbs and dissect their every moment, all for the sake of ratings.  Just remember, you read it first in the Brotherhood Tattler.

 

Darrell Evenfeather is Copyright Vicki Eden, and misused with permission… with apologies to Darrell.  He suffered his fate well.

FoxStar is me, and tormented Darrell with my permission, which makes it all okay.  Though I have just now realized there was no tape in the tape-recorder, which means I may need a do-over…

…Mr. Evenfeather?