Possibly the dream of all college and university students, this task isn’t as farfetched as believed. First thing’s first, it’s important to understand the rules concerning such an act. While not all colleges and universities are the same, most schools have no rule against teacher/student involvement. If your school falls into this category, you’re already in good shape.

The important thing to remember when trying to conquer such a challenge is that you cannot, in any way, make the first move. You’ve got to let your prof start everything but you can, however, drop hints, be flirtatious and, introduce situations that would make your prof start hitting on you.

Your first step is finding out if your prof is involved. The easiest way of finding out is the sure wedding ring. No ring? No problem. You can still find out about a girlfriend or boyfriend. On Monday, go see your prof in his or her office and ask the usual questions like: "How was your weekend? Did you and your girlfriend/boyfriend do anything special?" Very casual, very effective.

So the prof is single, what’s next? As in any major attack, you need to know whether or not he or she is interested. While lady professors in their late thirties or early forties are generally more inclined to sleep with their students, nothing is impossible. Casually invite your prof to a class related event and see how he or she answers. Studying in English or Theatre? Invite your prof to a local play. Visual Arts? The new exposition at the local museum, and so on. Though such invitations are non-threatening, your prof’s answer will be a dead giveaway on their level of interest in you.

After a few plays or concerts, or whatever, take your prof out for a drink and get to talking. The following steps are the same as in any chase. Good luck, and remember, if you manage to seduce your professor, you’ll not only become the member of an elite few, but also guarantee yourself good grades in his or her classes from then on. Though most schools do not forbid student/teacher relationships, most profs like to keep them as discreet as possible.

1. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

2. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.

3. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.

4. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him something, go to another room and call him on the phone.

5. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the window as you normally would.

6. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.

7. When the phone rings, answer the door.

8. When someone knocks on the door, answer the phone.

9. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

10. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

11. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.

12. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

13. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."

14. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.

15. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a bitch!" and kick him in the stomach. Then buy him some ice cream.

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