1. You fail into a river. What do you do?
A. Curse everything from Northwest Pacific salmon to paramecia in Zimbabwe.
B. Start swimming.
C. Mutter and search for lost effects.
D. The Macarena.
E. Rejoice in your first bathing experience since Clinton was President.
2. You are confronted by a suspicious plate of chili. You:
A. Make sure it's vegetarian and reach for the chopsticks.
B. Push the bits around until they form a question mark.
C. Dig in, Viking style (off the edge of your dagger).
D. Crush in some grayish blueberries and yogurt.
E. Slurp it with borscht.
3. What do you do if a girl rejects your (marriage) proposal?
A. Tell her that the stars are God's daisychains.
B. Reform your character entirely and save her sister from the depths of ruin (before proposing again).
C. Explain that you love her because she is so beautiful (and, yanno, killing the Nazgűl was pretty righteous, too).
D. Rejoice (it's all a mix-up, and you really meant to say that your friend wished to propse to her).
E. Pay her a hundred thousand dollars if she'll "reconsider."
4. What would you do on a long bus ride?
A. Talk about how sensual it would be to park over there. . . Sensible.
B. Talk about your latest coup d'état on the baseball field.
C. Grab your (Spanish) guitar and serenade the young woman across the aisle from you.
D. Calculate the number of bus windows in binary and laugh inanely.
E. Go through your (late) wife's jewelry.
5. Describe your relationship with your psycho-analyst (female).
A. Try to snatch her letter-opener.
B. Psycho-analyst? What self-respecting robot needs one of those?
C. Confess your great desire to. . . take as many medications as you can fit in your Geo Prism.
D. Wait, that's a she?
E. Take her to Grand Central Station (or bust!)
6. Your instrument of choice?
A. Three-stringed viola, tuned in fourths.
D. Blue plastic trombone.
7. Your favorite food?
C. Borscht and bananas.
D. No one's quite sure what that is.
E. Macaroni et fromage.
8. Favorite Word?
E. Ha - ha!
9. Favorite Artist?
C. Monet, Manet, or Meursault.
D. DC Comics.
E.Toulouse-Lautrec -- How 'bout them showgirls? (Hon hon hon).
10. Describe your habillage of choice.
A. Whatever your mother lays out in the morning.
B. Same thing you've worn since Bastille Day (the original Bastille Day, that is).
C. Chipmunk hat and a greatcoat.
D. Loincloth. (Gollum, gollum!)
E. Things you "borrow" from your girlfriends.
11. Favorite Book?
A. Muscle and Fitness Magazine
B. Quantum Mechanics: Infinite Density
C. The Cliff's Notes to War and Peace (Warren's Piece).
D. Notes from the Underground
E. The Golden Compass
12. Favorite Line from TV or Movie?
A. "Don't mind him; he's from Barcelona."
B. "I choose. . . a mortal life."
C. "Call me Ishmael." Oh, wait, that's from a book.
D. "What have you done with her?"
13. What's in your glass?
A. A family-sized bottle of Robitussin.
B. Don't ask, don't tell.
C. My girlfriend made it in her bathtub.
D. Slightly warmed milk.
14. What have you stolen?
A. Nothing, except the answer key to an ethics test.
B. $6,000,000.00 in jewelry from the elite of Cannes.
C. S.F.'s John Mayer CD.
D. Lost Tales of Numenor.
E. Faust's soul.
F: Chads, my friend, chads.
15. Country of choice?
B. Mars. Or Russia.
E. U. S. of A.
16. Where would you like/did go to college?
C."I want to find Zeus at Harvard."
D. U of Miami
E. "No colledge for me thanx."
F. "I speak English. I learn it. From a book."
A. Jigging chemist.
B. "Something far too technical for the likes of you."
C. "I'll let you be the career one; I can stay home and clean the cats' litterbox."
D. "Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage."
E. Dashing newspaperman.
18. Phrase of choice?
A. Ha Ha Ha.
B. True, dat.
C. Let's not and say we did.
D. Did I already say that?
E. Some advice . . .
F. Bunny rabbits!
19. You are hanging from a window ledge or statue. You say:
A. "You - Tarzan. Me - Jane."
B. "Rocks, paper, scizzors, shoot!"
C. "I want to go to Brighton!"
D. "No one saw that, right? Is there water below?"
E. "Ameliorate! Ameliorate!"
20. Political Views/Vices.
A. "These colors don't run."
B. Anything to keep the ladies happy.
C. Legalize it! Legalize it!
D. Let's Fed-Ex some pretzels to the White House.
E. Oh, but he has such lovely eyes. . .
21. Favorite Valentine's Day gift
A. Dinner at 21 [Thank you, Carl].
C. Red-velvet-boxed chocolate, "for your sweet tooth and all your other sweet parts."
D. A poem consisting entirely of Dove Promise wrappers.
F. A trip to scenic Newark, NJ.
G. A (fake; this is a cruelty-free QuizZard) stuffed moose, from Japan [He's started early].
H. Life-sized talking Gollum figurine.
I. A match with Luzhin.
J. A picnic basket.
K. A date book from your ex.
M. Midnight [Spanish] guitar serenade.
FRQ (are you nervous yet?) Write a concise, fully-developed 5-paragraph essay delineating your views on all of the following:
B. High-falutin'in'. (Note: "High-falutin'in'" is a verb.)
D. Water/showers/mild-mannered streams.
Send results to: email@example.com
or to some compassionate conservatives.