...YOU know I'm just saying things here because I like joking and you aren't meant to take any of these incredibly gross stereotypes...
...SERIOUSLY if you want to tell me your opinion on something here, just email me and I'll most likely tell you to get...
...BENT pipe is the best for sink drains. ;-) [insert stupid winking smiley face here]
[Halt! Listen, I know that Nifty Fifties isn’t all that expensive. But I had to factor expensive food in SOMEWHERE.]
OK, that settles it—I’m giving up on fast food. Not that fast food ever gave up on me, but it’s high time that one of us breaks off this unhealthy relationship. To me, dining is more than just consumption of the cuisine. There is consideration of atmosphere, selection of appropriate beverages, and tiny government warnings and labels surgically attached to your food containers, designed solely to make you feel guilty. I, like most fast food connoisseurs, enjoy browsing through those Nutritional Information Fact boxes on the placemats at McDonald’s while I stuff kilograms upon kilograms of fat into my mouth. Reading them provides me with hearty laughs during which I often shoot fries out of my nose into other patron’s milkshakes. Have you ever seen these? (not my fries sticking out of people’s milkshakes—the nutritional boxes)...
Fat: McDonalds BigMac-75g Burger King Double Whopper Deluxe with cheese-9570g
Sodium: McDonald’s French Fry (1)-26mg Burger King French Fry (300)-70,651mg
SAT scores: McDonalds-450 Verbal, 390 Math Burger King-260 Verbal, 380 Math
Number of Previous Sexual Partners: McDonald’s-24 Burger King-53
These ludicrous comparisons have yet to completely steer me away from dining at these establishments but I am so tempted to just give up on them.
Instead, I prefer eating at a casual restaurant: one with friendly tableside service, a balanced choice of entrees, and working neon lights. Why the neon lights? I can appreciate a business where they show me their selections before I even enter. Makes me think that they’ve got nothing to hide. HERE! HOT DOGS! HA HA, RIGHT HERE! NOTHING UP OUR SLEEVES AND WE’VE GOT HAMBURGERS TOO! JUAN DIDN’T DROP YOUR HAMBURGER ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR! HE EVEN WIPED IT WITH A CLEAN TOWEL!
I am thinking of a particular diner in Philadelphia called “Nifty Fifties” which is guilty of a harnessing such an arsenal of neon. There might be enough neon on their windows to start a medium sized casino. But what a restaurant Nifty Fifties is! Here we find a happy little diner, quaintly modeled after a “typical” 1950’s-era diner, hence the $19.50 cheeseburgers. Nothing says “nostalgia” like checkered walls. Maybe your grandparents say “nostalgia” a lot, as well, but you can always put them in a home.
I’d like to see other establishments compete for Thrifty Fifty’s business; it’d be good for the consumer to have different places catering to different tastes. I’d suggest to competitors making available the $19.60’s Flower Power Fish Sandwich, or the $19.70’s Oil Embargo Orange Chicken, or the $19.80’s Cocaine Craze Coconut Shrimp. At nearly twenty dollars a plate, a competing business would soon realize that they were never cleared by the City’s Health Inspector and they’d be immediately shut down, paving the way for Nifty Fifties to continue plowing over competing enterprises. C’est la Vie!
But let’s get back to MickyD’s. I really don’t have much against McDonald’s. They provide a greasy, tasteless meal at unbelievably affordable prices, yet they lack that winning quality which could really put them over the top: beer at the soda fountain. Am I really the first person to illustrate what a GREAT idea it’d be to put beer into the soda fountain dispenser? The food at McDonald’s is so salty, customers could be lined up around the block to get refill of beer! And here’s the catch: big straws. McDonald’s already uses straws that are big enough to wrap paper towels around, but for beer consumption, McDonald’s needs the ultimate in straw technology. Disposable funnels.
Can you imagine walking into your local McDonald’s and seeing people munching on their Big Macs, slamming fries down their throats, and chugging beer from a funnel?
The idea is so brilliant that you have to wonder why they haven’t snapped it up yet. So there might be a MINOR problem, namely people drinking beer aren’t allowed to be minors; often we see how beer clearly can’t distinguish a difference. It’s been noted that adults have this annoying ability to turn into minors when consuming alcohol. Not a good thing. I, along with most of my study group, a group of politicians who call themselves by the cute name of “The Cabinet”, actually preferred the taste of cola with our Big Macs over drinking beer. Something about the alcohol clashes with the taste of a Big Mac. Maybe they should just leave the soda fountains alone then. The idea of suggesting to serve beer is silly I guess. Ha ha! Sorry about your milkshake!
:-)== = = = ==(]]]]] shooting fries out of nose into milkshake
Now go buy a salad.
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"Eat This"
by Andy Belinsky
