Heaven and Hell
by Liz Griffin
Day 225
B'Elanna Torres leaned against the wall of the shower heavily, sighing as hot pinpricks of sonic energy stimulated her skin. It had been a long day. A long month. A long seven months, actually. That was how long it had been since they first met the Krenim, since the first attack that had left them bruised and battered. And for over six months now, the attacks had come almost daily. One power surge after another, one system failure after another – the crew had left the ship in escape pods months ago, only to be picked off one by one by the Krenim as Kathryn and the senior officers watched from the burned-out shell of a bridge that had become one of the few habitable places on board. B'Elanna sighed, remembering that day – and remembering the toll that had been exacted from them. Kathryn, especially, had been devastated. She had held the crew together for as long as possible, had finally made the decision to "break up the family," as she called it – and had watched in stunned horror as the Krenim had target practice with Voyager’s escape pods, toying with them mercilessly before finally destroying them. All in all, one hundred and thirty-five people had been lost in the last six months. One hundred and thirty-three - dead. Tom and Chakotay - captured, presumed dead. The remaining senior officers were all that was left of the crew. The Doctor remained, as did Tuvok, Seven, Harry, Neelix – and Kathryn. And herself.
B'Elanna turned in the shower, allowing herself a few moments of massage, the sonic pulses pummeling her knotted shoulders. There was only one functional shower now – no need for more with only six to share it. Replicators had long since gone off-line, the power re-routed to crucial systems. Her uniform lay in the corner of the shower, automatically cleaned just as her body was. B'Elanna sighed. Six months existing on emergency ration bars, living and working on the raw edge of exhaustion... She had suffered more broken bones in six months than she had in her entire life previous – every limb, every major part of her had been broken at one point of another - but she had to keep going... It was enough to drive even a half-Klingon to madness. She wasn’t certain it hadn’t already driven the captain there.
Hanging her head, B'Elanna thought about Kathryn. It wasn’t an uncommon thought. Only a few short weeks they had been together, only twenty-three days of exploring one another, loving one another, making love until the early hours of the morning, sleeping in one another’s arms, waking to smile and kiss and sometimes continue the sweet loving that had been interrupted only for sleep... But then the Krenim had attacked – and all hell had broken loose. She hadn’t seen Kathryn much at all in the last few months – and when she did, it was work-related only. There was no recognition of their relationship – it was a luxury they couldn’t afford. All energy had to be focused on Voyager. On keeping them alive. Everything revolved around the ship, each of them risking their lives on a daily basis to buy just one more day. One more hour. One more chance...
B'Elanna had become concerned for Kathryn months ago. She had recklessly risked her life sealing off the ventilation systems, spending twelve minutes in a mixture of gasses that the Doctor had deemed safe only for six – at most. And she had returned to the bridge hacking and coughing, her lungs chemically burned, ignoring the Doctor’s insistence that she rest and be properly treated. Her solution – injections of trioxin to help her breathe, but that did nothing for the burns that had ravaged her lung tissue. Even now, she breathed only with extra effort, her shoulders heaving from time to time as she forced her lungs to keep going.
That day was the last time B'Elanna had touched her – the last time either of them had acknowledged their relationship. Kathryn had come to her station on the bridge, leaning over to see her work – as she began another coughing fit, B'Elanna had reached up involuntarily, placing a hand on her back.
"Kathryn," she began, hoping to convince her to let the Doctor treat her – but Kathryn stiffened, pulling away from her touch, staring her down with the look she had become famous for on Voyager.
"The warp core, Lieutenant – what’s your status," she said with cold finality as B'Elanna’s hand dropped away. B'Elanna looked into her eyes and saw nothing there but discipline, an expression cold as space – she stopped touching her after that.
And then, only a few weeks later, Kathryn had risked her life again regaining power to Deflector Control - B'Elanna herself had been the one to rescue her charred and broken body from the Control Room, carrying her to the makeshift Sickbay in the Mess Hall and leaving her there. There was too much to do for B'Elanna to stay. But she worried. Kathryn still bore the scars of that incident, deep cicatrices on her face and hands, her back and legs – "mementos," she had called them, refusing to rest even for a moment. Like the rest of the crew, Kathryn lived every day in constant pain, fighting off the demons of depression and despair, forcing herself to go on by sheer willpower.
And it was taking its toll. Everyone had noticed the changes – gradual at first, but then more pronounced. Kathryn had stopped wearing her full uniform, for example, preferring the relative simplicity of her undershirt and trousers for her day-to-day repair work. Her hair, usually impeccably groomed, had taken on a wild, unkempt look – more of a mane than usual, put stiffly into place with a static hairbrush every day, but mussed by Kathryn’s more and more frequent habit of running an impatient hand through it. She had stopped freshening up more than once in a day, leaving smudges of gray on her face and arms, visible reminders of the danger she placed herself in constantly. Kathryn had become more impulsive, less open to suggestion, more temperamental... True, they had only been lovers for a few weeks - but B'Elanna still loved her. Still needed her. Still wanted to hold her, and hear that rich throaty laugh, see her smile, feel the warmth that always seemed to emanate from her, comforting... loving...
Picking up her underwear and trousers, B'Elanna deactivated the shower. Her time was up, and she needed to get some sleep before tomorrow – she knew without a doubt that she would be assigned to either the Mawasi or Nahydrin lead ship, to help them build the temporal shielding that would protect them from the Krenim "time weapon." She would have to be at her best. No mistakes could be allowed. She pulled her undershirt over her head, deciding against dressing fully. She would just have to undress again when she got to bed... She grabbed her remaining clothing and left the shower.
"B'Elanna." The word came from behind her, a soft, gentle voice she hadn’t heard in months... She turned to find Kathryn standing there, dressed as she herself was, in undershirt and trousers. Kathryn’s hair had been brushed to softness by a standard hair brush, her body recently showered, her clothing clean. B'Elanna stood silent, looking into her eyes. They were hard, and dull – no laughter lurking there, no mischief dancing behind them... Her face was nearly expressionless as she stared at B'Elanna for a long moment. "B'Elanna," Kathryn repeated softly, then stepped to her slowly. Her hands came up to cup B'Elanna’s face, stroking it tenderly, as she used to - B'Elanna closed her eyes.
Slowly, Kathryn bent to her, and kissed her. B'Elanna felt those soft, warm lips melt on hers, felt Kathryn’s hands slide back into her hair, holding her gently. She murmured against Kathryn’s lips, sliding her arms around her body, no longer merely slim, but now sinewy from overwork and too little nourishment. As Kathryn’s lips parted, B'Elanna felt her breathe in deeply, a hitching breath...
‘This is good-bye.’ The thought hit B'Elanna hard, knocking the breath from her lungs. As her lips parted in involuntary response, B'Elanna pulled her closer. ‘This is it. This is the last time. She knows we won’t see each other again...’ B'Elanna tightened her arms as Kathryn pulled away, hugging her tightly. For a long moment, they stood there, holding onto one another, faces buried in one another’s hair, neither wanting to let go – and then Kathryn pulled away to look into her eyes again.
Unable to bear the pain there, the stone-hard discipline, B'Elanna turned from her, holding her hand and leading her out of the shower room. She would not let this happen – not with just a kiss. She felt Kathryn’s fingers tighten around her own as they walked slowly down the corridor. It was ironic – when they had been lovers before, they would never have held hands in the corridor. Now that the end was near, Kathryn held to her tightly, as if by that act she could prolong their time together. Kathryn walked beside her, silent – without a word, by mutual agreement, they walked together to B'Elanna’s temporary quarters.
As they crossed the secondary junction, Seven of Nine raised an eyebrow.
Harry Kim turned from the conduit they were repairing to see the Captain and B’Elanna walking hand-in-hand, headed for B'Elanna’s quarters... He sighed.
"They are going to Lieutenant Torres’ quarters," Seven observed. Harry nodded, turning back to his work. "It would appear that they are emotionally bonded in a way that I was unaware of until now."
"It would seem so," Harry said distractedly.
"Am I correct in assuming they are going to copulate?"
Harry drew his hands back, but did not look away from the conduit. "I would say that’s a reasonable assumption," he finally answered.
Seven processed that information for a moment before speaking. "It would seem that the time they spend on such activity could be put to more productive use."
Harry turned to her then - with a look of such utter sympathy that she resolved then and there never again to speak of things about which she had so little comprehension.
Soft... So very soft... and sweet... How could she have forgotten how sweet this woman was, how incredibly wonderful... Drawing her lips from B'Elanna’s, Kathryn kissed over her nose, her cheeks, her eyelids... B'Elanna murmured in pleasure as she brushed her lips over the ridges of her forehead, so delicate, beautiful... It was like old times again – just like it had been for those few precious days. Kathryn closed her eyes as she laid B'Elanna down on the bed. It creaked alarmingly under their combined weight. B'Elanna’s hands came to her shoulders, like always... B'Elanna sighed into her ear as she kissed the smooth, warm skin of her neck, her shoulder, sliding her undershirt down her arm to brush her lips over soft skin... Just like old times... Tears came to Kathryn’s eyes. Had it really been this easy? This sweet? Had they really done this every night, nearly every morning, their lives narrowed down to focus solely on one another, the running of Voyager a mere interruption in their mutual pleasure, their desire...
B'Elanna’s hands removed her shirt, sliding smoothly over the no-longer-smooth skin of her back. She buried her face in B'Elanna’s sturdy shoulder. She could forget – just for one night... If she closed her eyes, she could shut it out... ignore it... the pain, the loss, the devastation... if she closed her eyes, she could forget they were about to die, forget the last months, forget everything but herself and B'Elanna, and this bed, and the starlight coming through the window... Kathryn’s body surged involuntarily as B'Elanna’s lips reached the corner of her jaw, then slid upward to kiss lovingly and intently over the spot that always drove her wild. She focused her attention on the pleasure, the feel of B'Elanna beneath her, kissing her, loving her... just like old times... Lifting her head, she stared into fathomless dark eyes as B'Elanna’s hand came to her cheek. One finger stroked along the scar there – Kathryn hung her head, closing her eyes as reality came crashing in again. Of course she would be less attractive. There was too much devastation - to her own body as well as her ship – they could no more forget than they could turn back the hands of time... B'Elanna’s hand slid to the back of her neck, gently pulling her down. Very softly, she kissed over the mark, her lips brushing over it carefully, lovingly... B'Elanna pulled her close as Kathryn tightened her own arms, each clinging to the other.
B'Elanna held onto her lover for dear life. Even with her marks, the scars, the burns, Kathryn Janeway was the most beautiful woman she had ever known. The most incredible woman she had ever loved. Tilting her head, B'Elanna kissed her shoulder again, hearing the small sound in Kathryn’s throat, a desperate half-moan. She kissed more deeply, her teeth baring in automatic response. ‘No,’ B'Elanna thought, allowing her teeth to barely graze at the juncture of shoulder and neck. "No. No more pain...’ She kissed Kathryn gently, reining in her Klingon nature, wanting it to be slow... sweet... just the way Kathryn loved it... There would be no pain, only pleasure. She brought her hand to Kathryn’s hair as they tightened their fierce embrace, both of them kissing one another now, anywhere they could reach, both seeking desperately to find a moment of happiness amidst the desolation of their lives.
Kathryn buried her face in B'Elanna’s thick hair, bathing her face in softness. It was good... so good to feel her again. So good to allow this again, to let go again... As B'Elanna kissed her, she felt her mind begin to let go, to shift its focus to the present. As B'Elanna kissed over her neck, under her chin, down her throat, Kathryn smiled. ‘Yes... this, right here – this is what life is about... Holding your lover – the woman you love with all your heart, and feeling her love you...’
Holding Kathryn on top of her, Kathryn’s head bent back to allow her access to that exquisite neck, B'Elanna felt her throat vibrate under her lips, heard the rich, throaty chuckle she had missed so in the last months. She smiled at the sound – the sound of a woman in love, a woman in pleasure, Kathryn laughing in her joy... Kathryn pulled back to look into her eyes, smiling as she always had during their lovemaking, her hands stroking B'Elanna’s hair back from her face. B'Elanna stared at her, awed by the transformation – it was Kathryn again, her Kathryn – smiling, eyes bright with love and desire, body melting into hers as she lowered her head... and they kissed...
Kathryn moaned into B'Elanna’s mouth as warm hands slid into her trousers, clasping her hips. Beautiful - B'Elanna was so beautiful... Kathryn pulled back only long enough to remove her lover’s undershirt, then began a thorough exploration of those wonderful strong shoulders. B'Elanna kneaded her bottom, pushing and pulling her against her body, knowing what Kathryn loved... Kathryn’s thigh settled between B'Elanna’s as she kissed downward, over the smooth muscularity of her chest, stroking her tongue lightly just where her breasts began to swell. ‘Beautiful... So very beautiful...’ She shifted downward, taking one dark nipple into her mouth, swirling it in slow circles with her tongue as B'Elanna arched to her. Kathryn stroked her, loved her, inhaled the intoxicating scent of her skin as B'Elanna’s hands slid back up and into her hair, guiding her, pulling her closer. With slow, sweet passion, Kathryn made love to her breasts, cupping them in her hands, stroking them with her tongue, suckling like a newborn as she re-discovered her lover. Back and forth she moved, never having enough of that sweet flesh, the velvet hardness that greeted her with every stroke of her tongue...
She slid one hand upward to B'Elanna’s mouth, wanting to feel the rich fullness of her lips. Slowly, lightly, she traced her fingers over and over B'Elanna’s sweet mouth, her tongue still whorling around one dark-velvet nipple. B'Elanna’s tongue darted out, touching her fingers – then licking them adoringly, kissing them, nipping at them gently as her body writhed under Kathryn’s. B'Elanna trembled in her arms, her hands roaming over her back, her shoulders, a soft growl rising in her chest... Kathryn slid her hands into B'Elanna’s trousers, lifting herself from B'Elanna’s body to remove the last barrier between her lips and that lush, magnificent form.
Kneeling between her legs, Kathryn watched her lover for a long moment. B'Elanna was breathing heavily, her hands gripping the bedclothes in anticipation, her eyes pleading. With a sigh of utter contentment, Kathryn slid her hands up the bed on either side of her lover, lowering herself gently, and began kissing over her stomach. In random pattern, open, melting kisses, she covered B'Elanna’s skin, leaving no part untouched, no part unloved. Slowly, in sweet anticipation, she inched downward, tempting herself, teasing herself... until, finally, she brushed her lips through the mass of dark curls at the juncture of her thighs. Inhaling the scent of her, the unique perfume of her essence, Kathryn felt B'Elanna’s thighs come up, her knees rising from the bed... Unable to keep herself at bay any longer, Kathryn lowered herself that last inch, burying her face in the sweetness of B'Elanna.
B'Elanna arched, a strangled cry escaping her throat. Kathryn moaned in sympathy. B'Elanna’s thighs moved up and down in convulsive motion, her hips undulated more and more forcefully as Kathryn opened her... loved her... claimed her... Sound ceased to exist, time had no meaning, nothing else in the universe existed for Kathryn – only B'Elanna. The sweetness of her, the delicate flesh yielding to her tongue, the lovely, intricate taste of her wetness... Kathryn’s heart pounded in her ears, each breath brought the scent of her lover, so beautiful, so utterly sensuous... Kathryn moaned again, drinking the wetness from B'Elanna’s swollen folds, then sliding her tongue upward to stroke and lap at the tiny hardness. Eyes closed, she savored her lover like wine, her hands coming to clasp B'Elanna’s hips as she stroked and stroked and stroked in urgent rhythm. She needed this – she needed B'Elanna, needed her pleasure... needed to feel the beautiful body of the woman beneath her buck and arch and writhe in her ecstasy... She needed to hear the cries of joy, the moans of absolute delight, the growls and gasps and sighs of her gratification...
In a very short time, B'Elanna’s hands came to her head, guiding her, encouraging her to the strokes she so loved – and that Kathryn so loved to give... Over and over and over she stroked her, kissed her, loved her... and finally she felt B'Elanna’s body tense and gather powerfully. Not a word was spoken between them, not a thought remained – only pleasure. Singular, unstoppable, unutterable delight... B'Elanna bucked up to her, releasing her breath in a wordless shout as her sweet slick folds pulsed under Kathryn’s loving mouth. Kathryn lapped at her, stroked her... she knew what B'Elanna loved... and B'Elanna clutched at her hair, fingers raking through it from side to side as she writhed and moaned, finally drawing Kathryn away gently, pulling her upward into welcoming arms.
They lay panting for a long moment, B'Elanna with her eyes still closed, still moaning from the memory of her. Hands smoothing the hair away from her face, Kathryn kissed her tenderly on her parted lips. She stroked B'Elanna’s face lovingly, calming her, soothing her - B'Elanna opened her eyes slowly, looking up at her with undisguised passion. They kissed. Deeply, slowly, unhurriedly, B'Elanna’s hands roaming over her body in loving appreciation. Kathryn felt B'Elanna’s hands slide into her trousers once more, felt them being lowered... and then B'Elanna turned them so that Kathryn was on her back, B'Elanna sitting, one leg drawn up, between her legs, removing her clothing in one deft movement. Kathryn laughed softly in delight. B'Elanna smiled in response. Slowly, irresistibly, she slid her hands up Kathryn’s body, cupping her breasts and circling her nipples slowly with her thumbs. Kathryn arched, closing her eyes and rolling her head back in pleasure, a murmuring sigh on her lips. B'Elanna continued the caress upward, cupping Kathryn’s beautiful face, her thumbs brushing over her lips softly.
With a twinkle of merriment in her eyes, Kathryn parted her lips, darting her tongue out to lick B'Elanna’s thumbs, wetting them thoroughly. Smiling at the playful challenge, B'Elanna slid her hands downward again, circling the wetness over and over Kathryn’s hard nipples as her lover drew in breath through her teeth, biting her lower lip. It was a gesture B'Elanna loved – had always loved. She could smell Kathryn’s desire, the sweet Human scent of her tempting... alluring... Unable to hold back, unable even to tease her lover, B'Elanna slid her hands down Kathryn’s body and up to her bent knees, moving them up and down her thighs warmly as Kathryn watched, blue eyes burning. With a slow smile, her eyes never leaving Kathryn’s, B'Elanna kissed her knee, stroking with her tongue... And then she slid her lips downward, over the soft flesh of Kathryn’s inner thigh, Kathryn’s hand coming to the back of her head as she reached that thick, soft hair, the sweet jasmine musk of Kathryn’s sex. Eyes closed, concentrating solely on her task, B'Elanna parted the swollen folds with her tongue, stroked the moisture from them, enthralled by the taste of Kathryn. She felt Kathryn’s leg moving beside her head, her foot sliding up and down the bed in involuntary response.
"B'Elanna..." Kathryn whispered, the only word spoken in the night. Her hands tangled in B'Elanna’s hair, Kathryn arched upward as she began to stroke over that one most sensitive spot, lavishing every caress her lips and tongue could devise on her lover, stroking in the very specific rhythm she knew would bring Kathryn to release. Kathryn’s hips became undulant, Kathryn’s hands gripped and released her hair, pulling her closer, begging without words... B'Elanna moaned into her and clasped her hips, holding her firmly in place as she stroked and circled, loved and caressed... She could hear the ecstatic gasps and sighs of Kathryn’s response, could feel the tension gathering in her body... Kathryn’s hands were torn from her hair to land on the bed as her head thrashed from side to side, her entire existence reduced to mindless pleasure. B'Elanna slid her hands upward, smoothing them over Kathryn’s palms, her wrists – she felt Kathryn slowly entwine their fingers, a symbolic connection that somehow seemed even more intimate than they already were. Kathryn gripped her hands painfully, holding on to her, trembling as her body arched and writhed. B'Elanna felt her begin to tense, heard the unmistakable intake of breath as Kathryn pulled her hands upward, off the bed, shuddering as every muscle strained toward the blissful crest...
"B'Elanna..." came the rough cry, torn form her lover’s throat as her hips rose to thrust once – and Kathryn was engulfed in orgasm, writhing uncontrollably in the sweet bondage of B'Elanna’s mouth. Kathryn moaned, she sighed, she arched and bucked and held to B'Elanna’s hands for dear life as B'Elanna kissed her intimately, joyfully... Kathryn called her name again and again, sliding her hands down to clasp B'Elanna’s wrists, then back to hold her hands, no longer in control of her body. B'Elanna continued until she heard the tortured whisper, "B'Elanna... please... no more..." Drawing away slowly, she bathed her face, all of her warm face in Kathryn...
Later, they lay together warm and comfortable, Kathryn’s head pillowed on B'Elanna’s shoulder. Kathryn sighed, a mixture of contentment and sadness. B'Elanna’s arm tightened about her shoulders, one hand coming up to trail fingertips lightly over her arm. Suddenly mindful of her scars, Kathryn drew away, moving to lie on her back.
"Hey," B'Elanna said softly, her arm tightening further. Looking into Kathryn’s eyes, she captured her wrist gently, drawing it upward. Kathryn stared back at her, not trying to disguise the truth any longer. This was the last time they would be together, the last time they would share this sweet intimacy. She saw B'Elanna’s eyes change, felt the understanding pass between them. B'Elanna drew her wrist up further to her lips, still staring into Kathryn’s eyes, with full comprehension.
B'Elanna pressed Kathryn’s hand to her face. "I will love you," she spoke the ritual words, kissing the scars at the inside of her wrist, "until death... and beyond."
Kathryn closed her eyes at the gift, then drew her body upward to brush her lips over the ridges of B'Elanna’s forehead. "Until the end of time, and times," she whispered the Human equivalent, sliding one arm beneath B'Elanna’s neck and resting her face against the dark hair. Wrapped in one another, they both drifted into an exhausted sleep.
Day 226
B'Elanna stood on the bridge, arms crossed in an effort to bring comfort to herself. She had known this would happen, had known they would be apart – but she hadn’t expected it to hurt this way. Kathryn was back to being Captain again – the ramrod-straight bearing, the commanding voice clipping out orders at her staccato best – she was still dressed in her undershirt, sweating from the high temperature on the bridge – and from fear. B'Elanna could smell it on her. It was palpable, unmistakable - and it was the first time she had ever seen Kathryn afraid.
"I’ll be piloting Voyager," Kathryn said, "coordinating the attack."
B'Elanna’s eyes widened. She had thought Kathryn would retreat to one of the other ships – spare her own life, at least... "Captain," she protested before she could stop herself, afraid now for Kathryn. "There’s barely enough of this ship left to *get* there – much less wage a war."
Kathryn turned to her then, staring her down with icy poise. "Oh, there’s fight in Voyager yet," she tried to smile. "It’s still got temporal shields, six photon torpedoes – it’ll hold together." She stared into B'Elanna’s eyes. "And besides – you know the adage," she said in a tone that would brook no argument. "Captain goes down with the ship, right?" Her demeanor radiated command. "You have your orders." She abruptly turned her back as B'Elanna felt the bile rise to her throat. "Dismissed."
‘Not just good-bye,’ B'Elanna thought. ‘She’s committing suicide.’ B'Elanna gave one last lingering look to her lover, begging her silently not to do this, pleading silently for Kathryn to come with them... but Kathryn remained impassive, her jaw set in determination. B'Elanna left the bridge.
Kathryn watched her leave. ‘Forgive me...’ She waited until everyone had left, then turned to her oldest friend, waiting to hear his arguments, forestalling them with a single statement – "Tuvok, I can hear your objections already. I am not leaving."
Tuvok, as always, argued logically. So she did what she had always done in the face of his logic – she gave him an illogical response. Something he could never understand. She couldn’t tell him – not in front of Seven – she couldn’t say what was really happening.
But Tuvok knew. He knew Kathryn Janeway well – well enough to know that, while she may not show it, her spirit was defeated. He could hear it in her voice. Feel it, even. If nothing else, he could deduce it from her actions. He pondered it as she gave him her speech about her emotional bond to Voyager. Self-determination had always been an unshakable tenet of Vulcan logic and philosophy. If Kathryn Janeway wished to end her life, he could not and would not interfere. And so he gave her one final wish – a hope that she would change her mind. "Live long," he emphasized the words, "and prosper, Captain."
Blinded though he was, he could feel her turn to him. Her hands came up to stroke his face, initiating the bond she knew from experience would happen through physical contact. "Same to you," she whispered, "old friend." Her hands pressed to his face, her fingers approximating the position of a mind-meld... As her final gift, Kathryn allowed him to see into her soul.
The meld lasted only 3.6 seconds – and yet in that time, she opened her mind to him fully, holding nothing back. In those few moments, Tuvok could see it all – her resignation to the inevitable... the joy and pain of her life, her career... the love of family, the faces of those dear to her – her mother, sister, father, Justin, Mark, B'Elanna... her current fear... the crushing despair of losing her ship and crew... her love for B'Elanna Torres... her love for him... her recognition of the bond they had shared throughout their acquaintance... And she made a single request of him – take care of B'Elanna. And then the bond was severed, Kathryn taking him in her arms, a Human expression of endearment and affection. Slowly, for the first time in his life, Tuvok brought his arms up haltingly to embrace her as well.
‘Consider it done,’ he thought, feeling her spirit breathe a sigh of acceptance. As they stood holding one another, Tuvok allowed her his final gift – the love he had returned to her silently for so many years, the respect he had always felt for her, and for her work... His fear for her life, and his concern for her mind. He felt her understanding, then felt her mind shift, felt her begin to think of the battle ahead, of what she knew was its inevitable outcome - suddenly overcome with fear and loss, she pulled away abruptly. Then Seven of Nine took his hand – and he left the bridge, walking away from the one person outside of his family to whom he would have ascribed the term "loved one."
When they were gone, Kathryn walked to the command center. It was ironic – since her first command, she had made a habit of keeping the old tradition of "walking the ship" – letting her crew see her, paying a visit to every station on the eve of battle. Now, there was no one to see her, no habitable section save one – the room in which she now stood. All other decks had been shut down – she would eat, sleep, and live on the bridge until the battle was ended. She lifted the watch at her hip, a gift from Chakotay – with a sigh, she stared at his chair. ‘Be with me, Chakotay,’ she thought. ‘I need your Maquis ingenuity now more than ever if I’m going to save them...’ With a final glance around the bridge, she slowly lowered herself to her chair, her last command, crossing her legs in conscious motion as if that familiar act could bring comfort to her only remaining crew member – Voyager...
Day 257
With one last glance at Chakotay’s legacy, Kathryn seated herself at the Conn. Her last mission. Her last command. As grief threatened to overwhelm her, she pushed emotion to the back of her mind. No time. No room for doubt. She punched the comm link. "This is Captain Janeway to the fleet – plot an intercept course to the weapon ship."
On the Nahydrin lead vessel, B'Elanna watched as Kathryn led the attack. Immediately the other two Nahydrin vessels were destroyed. Kathryn’s voice came over the comm, ordering evasive maneuvers. ‘Please, Kathryn,’ B'Elanna thought. ‘Don’t do this... don’t attack... keep evading them...’ Kathryn sent coordinates for the temporal core of the Krenim ship - B'Elanna could see Voyager take several direct hits – and then she froze in unspeakable fear as a Mawasi vessel plunged into Voyager, hitting directly on the bridge.
Thrown from her chair, Kathryn lay on the deck in indescribable agony. Quickly, she took inventory – both legs were probably broken, as well as one elbow and both hands – her head was spinning... Another explosion flattened her to the carpet. ‘I will not go like this,’ she thought, pulling herself up with agonizing slowness. ‘I will *not* die writhing on the floor...’ Slowly, excruciatingly, she dragged herself to her chair. ‘B’Elanna,’ she thought as she inched her way across the bridge. ‘I love you... until the end of time and times...’ She dragged herself up the one step, the words becoming a mantra in her mind. ‘Until the end of time and times... until the end of time and times...’ Reaching up, she felt a stabbing pain in her shoulder. Her hand gripped the seat and she hauled herself into it, slamming backward as yet another explosion rocked her. She panted for a moment, feeling the swelling begin already in her hands, knowing this was the end... ‘Until the end of time and times...’
The mantra stopped.
‘Time and times,’ she thought, the pieces falling together. ‘Until the end of time... and *times*...’ her eyes snapped open as realization hit – and she felt her internal organs turn to ice-water as every space-farer’s worst nightmare stared her in the face.
There was no Main Viewer. No bulkhead. No plating, no hull – only a force-field – and a none-too-stable one, at that – stood between her and being spaced. She stared for a moment, paralyzed with fear – and then reason took over again as she stared at the Krenim time weapon. ‘Of course – the temporal causality paradox,’ she thought, swallowing the bile that had risen in her throat. ‘If that time machine is destroyed – then everything will revert back to another timeline... because it never existed...’ In a split second, her mind weighed the possibilities. If she destroyed the time ship, then time as she knew it would not exist. They would be thrown into a completely different timeline – one where they might never have existed at all. But if she didn’t destroy it, everyone left of Voyager’s crew... Tuvok... B’Elanna... Harry... They would all be dead in a matter of seconds.
The choice was clear.
She pushed back into her chair, forcing her broken fingers to lay in an intercept course, to strike at the ship’s most vulnerable point.
"All our ships have been disabled, Captain," Tuvok’s dispassionate voice informed her. "Do you have weapons?"
"Negative," she replied, holding on as Voyager shuddered around her, struggling to obey her final orders. "Torpedo launchers are down." Another explosion wracked her body painfully. "I’m setting a collision course." She made the final correction, then opened a general frequency. "Janeway to the fleet – take your temporal shields off-line," she ordered.
"Captain," Tuvok protested, "we won’t be protected..."
"Exactly," she answered, watching as the Krenim ship grew larger in front of her. "If that ship is destroyed, all of history might be restored. And this is one year I’d like to forget," she added with heartfelt honesty. She turned her attention to the ship ahead of her, now almost within destruction range. This ship – the ship she was about to destroy - *they* had done this. Taken her hope, her ship, the lives of her crew... taken away the one chance for happiness she had been given with B'Elanna... Anger boiling up inside her, Kathryn narrowed her eyes.
"Time’s up," she said through clenched teeth. She closed her eyes, leaning her head back to accept the inevitable.
From the Nahydrin ship, B'Elanna watched in horror as Voyager neared the Krenim vessel. The two remaining vessels kept an open frequency, waiting for the order to beam Janeway out... But all they heard at the moment of impact was a blood-curdling sound, the final tortured scream of a dying woman...
"B'ELAA-"
Voyager destructed. Eyes closed, B'Elanna dropped her head. It was over. Kathryn had given her life, the last of the crew of Voyager to do so, in order to save the rest of them. Her jaw tightened as she thought of all the stories of her childhood – Kathryn was now in Stovol K’hor – the place of the honored dead, the resting place of great warriors... B'Elanna felt a growl rising in her belly, a low moan born of instinct. Vaguely, she heard the Nahydrin commander order evasive action, realized that the temporal wave front was headed for the ship... The moan gathered, deepened, became a growl - falling to her knees, she raised her head and let loose a deafening roar, warning the afterlife that Kathryn Janeway – the greatest of warriors - was about to join them...
Day 1
B'Elanna accepted her glass from the ever-annoying Neelix. It was an Earth vintage, something the Captain had replicated for the occasion of the unveiling of the Astrometrics lab. B'Elanna sipped politely – she had always found white wine relatively tasteless. She watched Janeway as she walked among the gathered officers, exchanging pleasantries. The woman was arresting. She sighed, staring into her glass. She was, no doubt, not the only person in the room who found Kathryn Janeway attractive. But she knew in her heart that it would never be more than what it was – an attraction, and a one-sided one at that. Kathryn Janeway had not the slightest interest in her beyond what she displayed toward the rest of the crew.
"Something wrong, B'Elanna?"
She spun around to find Janeway smiling one of her entirely charming smiles. Her stomach sank pleasantly to her knees. "No," she answered quickly. "I just..." she cast about for conversation – anything other than what she had been thinking. "The wine – what is it?"
"St. Emilion, 2370. It was a very good year," Janeway smiled, sipping.
"A good year?"
"Mm," Janeway nodded, and swallowed. "The year Voyager was commissioned. And, if I’m not mistaken, the year you joined the Maquis."
"Thanks for reminding me," B'Elanna grumbled, dropping her gaze.
"Hey." Janeway placed a hand on her shoulder. "If those two things hadn’t happened, then we would never have met." B'Elanna stood stunned. Did she mean... "And I," Janeway continued, patting her shoulder, "wouldn’t have the best Engineer in four quadrants."
B'Elanna forced a smile. "Right." She sipped her wine as Janeway walked off to chat with the Doctor. Beautiful. She was so beautiful... Taking her wine to a far corner, away from the crowd, B'Elanna watched her, thinking of possibilities, and opportunities... and how one event could change the lives of so many... Looking at her captain, she allowed herself a moment of hope. Perhaps, indeed, nothing was impossible.
Copyright Liz Griffin, 1998. All rights reserved.
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