Discoveries
by Liz Griffin
"Mmmmm... Oh, B'Elanna Torres – you are so good to me," Kathryn Janeway moaned softly in the candlelight, stroking her lover’s arms.
"No better than you deserve," B'Elanna answered, kissing her shoulder, enjoying the feeling of Kathryn’s nude body pressed against hers, back-to-front. Kathryn shifted in her arms and she raised her eyebrows. "More?"
"Mmm-hmm," came the throaty response.
"Last one," B'Elanna warned, and fed her the remaining spoonful of coffee ice cream.
"Hmmmm..." Kathryn sighed, savoring the last bite as B'Elanna set the bowl on the edge of the tub. "Ohhhh... that’s so good." She lay her head back on B'Elanna’s shoulder, sighing contentedly.
B'Elanna kissed her shoulder again, scooping up handfuls of water and spilling them over Kathryn’s breasts. She poured the warmth over Kathryn, admiring the line of her throat, the softness of her hair, the firmness of her rose-tinted nipples. Candlelight flickered softly over them, reflecting on the water, adding golden highlights to Kathryn’s light skin, copper highlights to her hair. "I’m jealous," she smiled, whispering hotly into Kathryn’s ear. "It takes me hours to make you sound like that."
Kathryn chuckled, turning her head and craning her neck to plant a slightly sticky kiss on the corner of B'Elanna’s jaw. "Don’t be jealous," she whispered, smiling. "You’re the only one who can make me sound like that. Ice cream or no." She leaned her head back again, stroking B'Elanna’s knee slowly with her fingertips. "I’m still amazed by the way I respond to you."
B'Elanna turned her head to kiss Kathryn’s temple. "I love the way you respond to me," she whispered, flicking the water from one hand and bringing it up to stroke Kathryn’s hair. "You are so beautiful..." she leaned her head against Kathryn’s, lifting her free arm to hold her.
They sat there in silence, B'Elanna stroking Kathryn’s hair and Kathryn holding onto the arm across her shoulders. This was the moment they both hated. Both dreaded. The moment when one of them would notice the time, and one would leave for her quarters, separating them for the sake of propriety. The moment when they became officers again, Captain and Lieutenant, commander and engineer, instead of simply being B'Elanna and Kathryn, lover and beloved. For the sake of Voyager. For the sake of the crew.
The crew already had a good idea of what was going on. The change in Janeway had been noticed, the look about her that screamed of a new relationship – happy, energetic, a little tired around the eyes... Both Torres and Janeway had shown up late for duty twice in the last four months – a habit neither of them could be accused of in the past. And more than once, one or the other of them was seen discreetly entering or leaving the other’s quarters, often at odd hours of the night. They were seen more often in one another's company - but most notably were seen less often during their off-duty hours. What speculation there was about the Captain’s sex life had died down – it seemed that, after three years, the question had been answered.
No one really cared.
Except two women, one Human and one half-Klingon, who sat in a bathtub contemplating how to tolerate the constraints of their relationship. Their duty. The dichotomy they had by necessity imposed upon themselves.
Or to be perfectly truthful, had been imposed on them by Kathryn.
B'Elanna held Kathryn in the candlelight, knowing she must pull away, and pulling her closer all the same. It was torture – absolute torture, leaving Kathryn to go sleep alone. She hated it, even as she understood the reasoning behind it. It was Kathryn’s choice. Kathryn’s decision. And B'Elanna would respect that, until Kathryn decided to make their relationship public. She kissed Kathryn’s shoulder again, her mind toying with the idea of seducing her lover into letting her spend the night. She abandoned the idea quickly, sighing inwardly. Kathryn was far too disciplined – and even if she were successful, Kathryn would regret it in the morning, perhaps even withdraw from her... B'Elanna nuzzled the side of Kathryn’s neck, tightening her arm even further. Gods, it was agony to leave...
Her eyes closed in the near-darkness, Kathryn held onto B'Elanna for dear life. She didn’t want her to leave. She didn’t want to spend the night alone in a cold bed, with only the memory of B'Elanna’s arms for company. She didn’t want this pretense, this outward show for the benefit of others. Reflecting back, she really didn’t know what was worse – making love with B'Elanna and then watching her leave, or being without a lover entirely. She had at one time thought the latter was necessary – and now here was B'Elanna, in her life and in her bed, proving that theory inaccurate. But what of the former? Was it necessary to be secretive?
Yes. Absolutely, her mind answered. If the crew knew about this, they’d never respect either of us. There would be speculations, looking for outward signs, being constantly under surveillance... Unacceptable. And when B'Elanna leaves... She could not bear to think about what would happen when B'Elanna walked out of her life. Of course, it was a foregone conclusion. She was 44 to B'Elanna’s 29 – fifteen years. It made Kathryn old enough to be her mother, theoretically. If nothing else, the age difference will eventually keep us apart, she thought as she felt B'Elanna’s arm tighten about her.
B'Elanna had never said she loved her, Kathryn reflected, not since their first night, when she had answered her term of endearment. And neither of them had ever qualified the words, defined them as romantic love. The thought was only slightly painful. Kathryn had no expectation that B'Elanna would fall in love, no illusions about the nature of their relationship. It can never be more than what it is, Kathryn thought, a temporary liaison between two people who care for one another deeply... But it was bliss – absolute bliss. B'Elanna had stayed with her for over four months now, longer than she had expected. And if she had B'Elanna with her only for another day, a week, a month... she didn’t care.
B'Elanna sighed heavily and shifted behind her.
"You have to go soon," Kathryn whispered before B'Elanna could.
"I know." B'Elanna eased out from behind her and got out of the bath, turning to help Kathryn. They dried off efficiently, with none of the usual caressing delays, both intent on getting this over with as quickly as possible.
Kathryn followed her to the bedroom, tying the sash of her pink satin robe. "I wish this weren’t necessary," she ventured.
"I know," B'Elanna repeated, refusing to meet her eyes. Kathryn ran a hand across her shoulders. And if you don’t stop touching me, it’ll be a moot point, B'Elanna thought. She clenched her jaw, stiffening against temptation, and Kathryn withdrew. B'Elanna finished dressing in record time.
Kathryn walked her to the door, holding her hand and pulling her close. They kissed gently, B'Elanna crushing Kathryn to her with a force she dared not convey with her mouth. Kathryn pressed into her willingly and their kiss deepened. B'Elanna moaned as Kathryn devoured her hungrily, hands in her hair, murmuring into her mouth in pleasure. Finally forcing herself to withdraw, B'Elanna traced her finger over Kathryn’s cheekbone. "I don’t want to go," she admitted softly.
Stay the night, Kathryn’s heart whispered. "But you have to," Kathryn murmured with regret.
B'Elanna nodded and turned to the door.
I love you, Kathryn’s heart offered. "See you in the morning?" Kathryn murmured, holding her hand as long as possible.
B'Elanna nodded again. "In the morning," she smiled. And she walked through the doors, leaving Kathryn alone.
In her quarters, B'Elanna prepared for bed, knowing it was useless. She would spend the night as she had spent every night for the last few weeks – tossing and turning, thinking of Kathryn, falling into an exhausted sleep a few hours before her shift.
Or, more to the point, thinking of herself in relation to Kathryn.
She sighed, giving up and propping herself on the pillows instead of lying down. When had she realized it? When had she known for certain that she was in love? The first night? The second? Or was it the first night they had spent apart - when Kathryn had decided that sleeping together was an unacceptable risk? She remembered that night – but she remembered the following morning even more clearly. Both she and Kathryn had spent the night in sleeplessness, showing up for duty tired-eyed and subdued. Being apart had told B'Elanna about her own feelings more than being together ever had.
And now, they spent nearly every night apart, sleeping together only when Kathryn deemed it safe, or when they happened to have the same following morning off duty. In three months they had awakened in one another’s arms perhaps five times. Of course, that made the time they had together that much sweeter. More passionate. More intense. And for B'Elanna, more loving.
She knew without a doubt that Kathryn did not feel the same way about her. Oh, surely Kathryn loved her – but in love? No. She would have told me by now, B'Elanna thought dismally. She has to know how I feel. And Kathryn isn’t the type to let something that important go unsaid. She leaned her head back in resignation. She had never been in love like this – enough to accept whatever her lover chose to give. Even if Kathryn didn’t love her that way, B'Elanna knew she would stay. For as long as Kathryn wanted her.
In her quarters, Kathryn Janeway sat sideways on her couch, chin on her knees, staring at the passing stars. When had she begun to love B'Elanna so? And it was love, she knew that now without a doubt. But when? Was it immediate, love at first sight that had gone unnoticed in her scramble to integrate the crew, find a way home, become "the Captain"... Or was it later, as B'Elanna became more a part of her life, as they began to work together more closely and grow in their respect of one another? Or was it when they had first slept together...
Kathryn sighed. There was no way to know, and it really didn’t matter. What mattered was, she was in love. For the first time in years, Kathryn Janeway was head-over-heels, heart-and-soul, completely, totally and irrevocably in love. In love enough to forget protocol. In love enough to forget her own internal standards of behavior. In love enough to wonder why it was necessary to be secretive with their relationship.
She had given herself many reasons over the months – and after tonight, she couldn’t bring even one of them to mind. It was ironic – for the first night in recent memory, they hadn’t made love, she reflected. But B'Elanna had been so sweet, so loving – so thoughtful of her...
Well, it isn’t as if she’s fully Klingon, Kathryn chided herself. She does have the ability to be less-than-violent. Though one would hardly know sometimes...
She ran her fingertips over a barely-healed mark on her shoulder. B'Elanna excited her like no other. And it wasn’t the violence that did it – it was the passion. The raw hunger with which they made love, even when they were slow with one another. Thinking back to her previous lovers, Kathryn could recall no one who made her feel anywhere near what B'Elanna did. No one who could make her so passionate, so focused on the moment. No one who could make her reach her climax more than once, until she became the heart of pleasure itself. No one who could make her writhe and buck and cry out in absolute ecstasy. No one who could make her feel so desirable, so beautiful, so...
Loved. The word hit Kathryn like a plasma charge. Did B'Elanna love her? Was it even possible?
Well - possible, yes, Kathryn thought, rising from the couch to go to bed. But not probable.
She hung her robe on the hook in her closet and rummaged in her dresser for a clean nightgown. If I’d let her stay, I wouldn’t need this, she thought dismally as she pulled it over her head. She pulled the bedclothes down. If I’d let her stay, the comforter would be on the floor by now, and I wouldn’t need it, either. She swung her legs up onto the bed, ordering the lights off and adjusting her pillow. She sighed. If I’d let her stay, I’d be in B'Elanna’s arms – and quite possibly in a state of spasm – and undoubtedly floating in undiminished bliss... She buried her face in the pillow, thinking that it felt like the softness of B'Elanna’s breasts, and tried to sleep.
B'Elanna was up and pacing, fighting against her Klingon nature. It was a losing battle. She couldn’t stand this Human romance crap – not knowing how Kathryn felt, and not asking for fear of losing her. It was stupid. It was duplicitous. And besides – it was maddening. Even her Human half could agree with that. She walked her quarters, eight paces up, eight paces back. Eight paces up, eight paces back. Why can’t I ask her? she thought, turning on her heel again. What would be so wrong about asking her? Do I really want to go on in this if she doesn’t love me? Eight paces up, eight paces back. B'Elanna’s thoughts raced. Thoughts so fast she couldn’t keep up with them all. And in the end, there was only one thing she could do.
Kathryn awoke with her arms around a pillow, one leg drawn up over it and her face buried. Still half-asleep, she looked about for B'Elanna, sure she had been holding her... The doorchime sounded again. Fully awake, Kathryn realized what had brought her out of sleep.
"Computer – who’s at the door?"
"Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres."
Brow furrowed, she sat up, running a hand through her hair. "Come in."
B'Elanna walked in, straight to the bed, and stood there, arms crossed.
"B'Elanna – what are you – why are you here at this hour..."
"We need to talk," B'Elanna interrupted, her face closed.
Kathryn eyed her for a moment, then stood. "All right." She walked to toward her closet, thinking to put on her robe. B'Elanna caught up with her halfway there, and her arm was caught in an iron grip.
"Now," B'Elanna growled.
Kathryn turned, anger rising. "Let go, B'Elanna"
"How do you feel about me," B'Elanna said abruptly, tightening her grip.
Kathryn’s eyes narrowed. "You mean in general, or at this very moment?"
B'Elanna shook her slightly. "Don’t fuck with me, Kathryn."
Angered even further by B'Elanna’s invective, Kathryn stared into her eyes. Immediately, she saw the anger there. This was no Human reaction - B'Elanna was in full-bore Klingon mode, and by those standards she was being gentle. Kathryn sighed. "All right," she murmured, feeling B'Elanna’s grip loosen, just a bit. "I..."
"The truth, if you please," B'Elanna snarled, piquing Kathryn’s ire once again.
"The truth is, I’m in love with you, though I can’t imagine why at the moment," Kathryn spat. She immediately regretted her words.
Oh, yes, Kathryn. Just the way to declare your love. Or to admit it to someone you really don’t want to know about it...
She watched as B'Elanna’s face moved from anger to stunned shock. The hand on her arm fell slowly to her side as B'Elanna stared at her.
"You... you are?" B'Elanna spoke in a childlike voice.
"Yes. I am," Kathryn stated. She looked at B'Elanna for a long moment. There. I’ve said it. I tried to keep it from you, I know you don’t feel the same... "Now that I’ve made a complete fool of myself, would you mind leaving?" she asked coldly.
B'Elanna continued to stare at her – or rather, through her – utterly silent. Then, suddenly, she began to growl. Very softly, but the sound was familiar enough to Kathryn.
"B'Elanna..." Kathryn began.
B'Elanna grabbed her by the back of the head, pulling her down so that their faces were almost touching. Slowly, she exhaled the growl across Kathryn’s lips. "I love you, Kathryn," she said softly, and kissed her. Just like that. No frozen moments, no skirting the issue, just kissed her. Kathryn inhaled deeply. It was impossible - B'Elanna loving her... She drew away slowly.
"Why didn’t you tell me before?" she asked gently, her hand coming up to stroke B'Elanna’s hair.
B'Elanna grinned. "I could ask you the same thing." Her hands slid up and down Kathryn’s body.
"I..." Kathryn gasped as B'Elanna’s fingers brushed over her breasts, amazed at how quickly B'Elanna could take her from anger to desire. "I thought you didn’t love me," she whispered, sliding her hands up B'Elanna’s arms.
"Same here," B'Elanna murmured, teasing Kathryn’s nipples to hardness. Kathryn’s hands came to her uniform, removing it for the second time that night. "Kathryn..." she whispered, as slim, strong hands slid under her shirt and over her breasts. The gray turtleneck was drawn over her head – she lifted Kathryn’s gown and tossed it aside.
Kathryn stood nude before her, smiling as she removed B'Elanna’s bra. B'Elanna held her at arm’s length, wanting simply to see her, this woman who loved her and whom she loved with all her heart. It was as if they were seeing one another for the first time - B'Elanna was overwhelmed. Kathryn had never looked so beautiful as she did now – her hair in disarray, her eyes smoldering with unconcealed passion, her light skin luminous in the starlight. B'Elanna clenched her jaw against the demands her Klingon nature was making, knowing that holding off would only make it harder to control, and wanting to hold off all the same. She would be slow with this, she would give Kathryn what she loved...
In that moment, Kathryn pressed against her, kissing her in passionate intensity, her nails raking B'Elanna’s shoulders.
Instinct took over. B'Elanna clutched Kathryn to her, ravening her mouth and forcing the air from her lungs. She heard a small sound from Kathryn’s throat, then felt Kathryn open to her, accepting her, wanting her. They kissed deeply and hungrily, B'Elanna feeding on Kathryn’s passion. Finally, unable to wait, and not caring, B'Elanna shoved Kathryn against the wall beside them, her hand reaching downward.
"Bey," Kathryn moaned, "Yes... B'Elanna, I love you..."
B'Elanna stopped any further words with her kiss as she thrust her hand between Kathryn’s thighs. Wet – Kathryn was so wet, and ready... B'Elanna entered her quickly, two fingers pressing into heated velvet softness. Kathryn’s moan vibrated in her mouth as she thrust into her, again and again, adding a third finger as Kathryn brought one leg up to wrap around her hip and thigh. Kathryn’s hands were in her hair, Kathryn clung to her as she stroked her and took her, claiming her forcefully again and again.
"I love you," B'Elanna said roughly as Kathryn began to rock back and forth, meeting her thrusts.
"Yes," Kathryn answered, almost a whimper. "I love you, Bey... Oh..."
"Say it," B'Elanna growled out of her passion. "Tell me who you belong to."
"You... Oh, God... I belong to you," Kathryn whispered.
"Louder. I want to hear you."
"Yours, B'Elanna... only yours..."
B'Elanna smiled, withdrawing her hand to stroke over Kathryn’s clitoris with steady, practiced motion. It wasn’t long before she felt Kathryn begin to tremble more forcefully. "Only mine," she purred as Kathryn shuddered. "Isn’t that right, Deshoy?"
"Yes... B'Elanna..." Kathryn began to tense.
"Only I do this to you," B'Elanna continued.
"Yes... yes, love..."
"Only I make you feel like this."
"Yes... yes..."
"Say my name," B'Elanna prompted as Kathryn clutched at her shoulders, her body gathering. "I want you to hear it when you come."
"B'Elanna," Kathryn moaned, bucking and trembling. "B'Elanna... B’ELANNA!" Her head hit the wall with a solid *thunk* as she spasmed, B'Elanna slipping her free arm around her waist to hold her upright as she slid toward the floor. "B'Elanna!" she shouted again, her head flinging forward to land on B'Elanna’s shoulder. "Oh... Oh.... Bey... la...naaaahh" she dissolved into a long, drawn-out moan of utter gratification, B'Elanna holding her close and feeling the throbbing spasms beneath her fingers. Finally sagging against her, Kathryn slowly lowered her foot to the floor, still moaning.
Withdrawing her hand, B'Elanna lowered them both to the floor, lying on her back and pulling Kathryn on top of her. For quite some time, Kathryn trembled in her arms – then, slowly, she raised her head to stare into B'Elanna’s eyes. B'Elanna brushed the hair back from her forehead and pulled her down for another deep kiss, knowing she couldn’t possibly hold off for another minute. Very soon, she began to undulate under Kathryn, pulling her close as Kathryn’s thigh settled between her own.
"B'Elanna," Kathryn murmured, kissing down to her neck. "I love you... I want you..."
Unable to speak, B'Elanna turned them so that she lay atop Kathryn, grinding her heat into the other woman’s thigh. Wordless, eager, Kathryn slid warm hands into her waistband, clasping her hips roughly. Kathryn’s mouth came to hers again, hungry and passionate - B'Elanna groaned, pressing herself into Kathryn more firmly. Kathryn’s mouth possessed hers, Kathryn’s hands slid over her bottom, nails raking across them with tantalizing smoothness, Kathryn’s exquisite body writhed under her own as she thrust faster and faster... B'Elanna growled into that sweet mouth, her hands clutching the strong-yet-delicate shoulders, her body uncontrollable.
Kathryn pulled one hand from her trousers, immediately sliding it down the front of her waistband, lodging it between them. B'Elanna pulled her mouth away in a snarl of pleasure – and then Kathryn bit her neck, teeth closing slowly, harder... harder... the pain of her bite mingling with the pleasure her hand created. B'Elanna growled again, louder, and thrust herself up over Kathryn’s fingers. Kathryn moaned against her neck. Her fingers swirled on B'Elanna, slipped over and over her swollen hardness, stroking her just the way she liked it – hard and fast and insistent. B'Elanna arched back as Kathryn’s hand on her bottom insinuated itself between her cheeks, fingernails stroking lightly along the cleft, over hyper-sensitive skin... and then Kathryn bit down hard on her, fingers becoming brutal on her clit, bruising her - B'Elanna roared. And roared again as climax overtook her suddenly, without the slightest warning, flooding her with unimaginable sensation. Kathryn kept stroking her, kept pushing her, nails digging into one buttock as B'Elanna bucked wildly. The contractions grew... grew... grew... until she was dizzy, until there were lights behind her eyes... And then she exploded in a wordless scream, collapsing in a heap on top of her lover.
They lay panting for a while, Kathryn kissing her shoulder and face, holding her close as she murmured gently. Finally, when she regained her breath, B'Elanna propped herself on her elbows to stare down at her lover. They simply gazed into one another’s eyes for several long moments, no words spoken and none needed. It was enough that they were here, now, with one another... B'Elanna kissed her tenderly. Gods – she didn’t deserve this woman, so sweet, so passionate, so beautiful... she buried her face in Kathryn’s shoulder.
Kathryn stroked her hair gently. "What," she murmured.
B'Elanna lifted her head. "I just... love you," she kissed Kathryn’s shoulder, "Deshoy."
Kathryn smiled, brow knit. "Deshoy?" She thought for a moment. "Little arm?"
B'Elanna chuckled. "Literal translation, yes." She snuggled into Kathryn’s bosom. "That’s your bang pong."
"My love name," Kathryn smiled.
B'Elanna nodded. "And in this case, a play on words." She shifted into a more comfortable position, on her side with her head on Kathryn’s shoulder. "In the area where my mother grew up, ‘DeS’, or ‘arm’ is an expression for ‘leader’." She stroked Kathryn’s forearm lightly. "Not necessarily a commander, or a political leader, but someone... someone Humans would call a ‘born leader’. A commanding presence." She kissed Kathryn’s shoulder again. "That’s definitely you."
Kathryn kissed the top of her head. "But I haven’t chosen a bang pong for you," she whispered, pulling B'Elanna close.
"There are rules."
Kathryn smiled. "Aren’t there always?"
"It has to be a food, weapon, or body part."
Kathryn looked down at her. "You’re joking."
"No. I’m serious. Food, weapons or body parts, followed by –oy."
Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Well – that certainly narrows it down." She considered for a moment. "I think..." she smiled. "HIqoy."
B'Elanna looked up at her. "Wine?"
"Mmm-hmm." Kathryn turned them so they were facing, sliding her body down B'Elanna’s and planting tiny kisses down the length of her. She quickly removed B'Elanna’s trousers.
"Why... wine?" B'Elanna managed as Kathryn stroked her thighs open, turning her to her back.
"Why do you think?" came the throaty response – and then B'Elanna couldn’t think at all as Kathryn slid her shoulders fluidly beneath her thighs and devoured her sex with slow, tender passion.
After that, the night passed rather quickly - B'Elanna arched and bucked, moaning and pleading with Kathryn to finish... or to continue... Kathryn broke a fingernail clutching at the carpet. They both surprised themselves with the sheer number of times they could make love in a single night. But finally, nearly time for B'Elanna to go on duty, they lay spent, Kathryn’s head on her shoulder.
"You do have to go soon, don’t you?" Kathryn whispered after deactivating the chronometer alarm.
"Mmmmm..." B'Elanna nodded, basking in the new sensation of complete satiation. "Of course," she smiled, shifting to look down at Kathryn, "I could have my lover speak with the Captain..."
Kathryn chuckled. "Your lover," she purred, kissing her lightly, "would love nothing more than for you to take the day off." She rolled on top of B'Elanna, propping up on her elbows. "The Captain, however, thinks you should shower, get into a clean uniform, and get down to Engineering." She kissed her again, and rolled away, smiling.
B'Elanna rolled her head to look at her. "I love you."
"And I love you," Kathryn smiled, leaning over to kiss her again, seemingly unable to pull away. "We both... have tomorrow off," she murmured between kisses, "and I... mmm... will see you... tonight." She kissed her deeply and slowly, drawing away reluctantly. "Go to work, Lieutenant."
B'Elanna grinned. "Aye, Sir." She gained her feet, but not before Kathryn landed a well-aimed swat at her butt. "Ow!" B'Elanna laughed. "What was that for?"
"Sir," Kathryn grinned. She pointed her chin toward the door, glancing up and down B'Elanna’s body appreciatively. "Now get out of here before your lover waylays the Captain."
Two days later, B'Elanna Torres reported for duty wearing what she knew was the silliest smile she had ever displayed in her life. It was amazing. It was incredible. It was exhausting, she thought, sitting down at her desk and pulling up the report left by the night watch. The past three nights had been spent with Kathryn – three nights of undiluted ecstasy. She sighed in weary satiation as she stared unseeing at the screen. After they had confessed their love, had acknowledged what they both felt and accepted each other’s declarations, B'Elanna could think of nothing but Kathryn. Making love to Kathryn. Satisfying Kathryn. Claiming Kathryn – much more deeply than she had the first night they were together. And then their second night – actually, it was impossible to separate the second night from yesterday from last night. Kathryn had been waiting in her quarters – if either of them had any idea of doing anything other than making love, it had been quickly abandoned. They never did make it to the bed, Kathryn taking B'Elanna up against the wall as B'Elanna had claimed her the night before. And then they had gone to Kathryn’s quarters, had taken a bath together – and then the loving started all over again.
It seemed that, once freed from the idea of B'Elanna leaving, Kathryn had been intent on expressing her love fully. She had made love with B'Elanna repeatedly, barely stopping, exploring every style, every technique, every conceivable position. B'Elanna closed her eyes, remembering. Unbridled – that was the only word for the last 36 hours. Once they had gotten to bed - after another searingly erotic episode against the wall of Kathryn’s cabin – neither one of them had left it except for the bathroom or to replicate something to eat. Kathryn had been astounding. It was as if she had cast aside every idea of Human propriety, every bit of restraint she had seemed to have about sex – and she had come, more and harder than ever before, screaming unabashedly, bucking wildly, begging her not to stop, not ever...
Non-stop. It had been non-stop gratification, non-stop pleasure. They had talked, caressed, laughed, fed one another... And most of the time, if she wasn’t making love to Kathryn, then Kathryn was making love to her. Slow and sweet. Fast and hard. With her hands, with her mouth, with her entire being... And B'Elanna had loved it. She had given her pleasure to Kathryn more times than she could keep track of, roaring and screaming, whispering and pleading... It was Heaven.
B'Elanna shook herself back to reality. There was work to be done, and it wouldn’t do to have to face the Captain over why it didn’t get done. It didn’t matter who her lover was – she was still an officer, and Kathryn was still the Captain. It was the one lengthy discussion they had had during the last 36 hours. They could belong to one another in private - but when the cabin doors opened, they both belonged to Voyager. B'Elanna smiled. It was perfect. They could balance it, they could love one another, and everything – for once – was going to be all right.
"Thank you, Commander." Kathryn Janeway sat behind her desk, sipping her morning cup as Chakotay lay the Night Watch reports in front of her. She looked at him as he remained. "Anything else?"
Cahkotay shifted nervously. "Well..."
Janeway tilted her head. "What," she demanded gently. God, the man looked tired. Was she working him too much? He remained silent, seemingly searching for what to say to her. "Chakotay," she began, motioning for him to sit. He eased his large frame into a chair and she came around the desk to sit on its edge. "What’s wrong? You look exhausted – is everything all right?"
He managed a smile, looking very uncomfortable. "I don’t mean to pry..."
"I’ve never known you to," she smiled.
He sighed. "Well – Captain – uh..." He cleared his throat.
She fixed him with her no-nonsense stare. "Out with it, Commander."
He met her eyes. "You know I live next-door to you," he said uncertainly.
Janeway nodded, raising her eyebrows. "Yes. And?"
"And..." he looked to his hands, then to her eyes again. "I haven’t been getting much sleep lately."
Her eyebrows crept up further. "Do you need to see the Doctor..."
"No," he interrupted. Was that a blush on his cheeks? Kathryn felt her internal organs turn to ice-water as realization dawned.
Oh, good God...
"It’s not my place to tell you what to do, Captain," he began.
"But you’d appreciate a little quiet, is that what you’re saying, Commander?" How she managed to keep her poker face, even she couldn’t fathom.
Chakotay nodded. "I, uhhmm..." He cleared his throat again, trailing off helplessly.
Janeway sighed and dropped her head. So he knows. I wonder how many others do. And he’s so uncomfortable – he doesn’t want to hurt me. She considered for a moment. If anyone knows how the crew will react, it’s Chakotay. He’s a friend – next to Tuvok, the closest friend I have on this ship. She looked at him through her lashes, her lips curving into a wry smile, one eyebrow creeping upward. "Your opinion, Chakotay?"
He looked at her. "Rank aside?"
"Rank aside," she nodded.
"I think it’s great," he grinned.
Kathryn exhaled, realizing only then that she had been holding her breath. When did Chakotay’s opinion come to mean so much to her?
"I have to admit, it did catch me a little off-guard," he continued. "You and B'Elanna, that is. I never would have... I mean, I’ve known you for years, and B'Elanna longer – I never would have guessed that the two of you would..." he trailed into uneasy silence.
"Get together?" she applied the age-old euphemism.
He smiled more broadly. "Get together."
"Well, you never know about these things..."
Wait a minute. How did he know...
She looked him in the eye. "How did you know it was B'Elanna?" she demanded.
Again, the blush. "You, uhhh, tend to..." he struggled to keep her eyes. "Announce it."
Janeway buried her face in her hands. "Good Lord."
"Loudly."
"Chakotay, no..." she shook her head, face still covered, fighting off an unexplainable laugh.
"And repeatedly," he said, breaking into the masculine equivalent of a giggle before he finished.
With a quiet scream, Kathryn burst into gales of embarrassed laughter, still covering her face as Chakotay joined her. Finally, when she was able, she raised her head and wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes, meeting Chakotay’s gaze. "Oh, God," she breathed, still heaving from the laughter, "I’m so sorry..."
"It’s okay," he grinned, in the same state himself. "I just..." he breathed deeply, then sighed. "I haven’t gotten three hours sleep in as many nights," he half-whispered, still grinning.
Kathryn felt fresh giggles rising in her. "Neither have I," she snorted, breaking down again.
After another few seconds of laughter, she managed to get herself to the couch, where Chakotay joined her. They carried on like hyenas, whooping and gasping, until Chakotay finally managed, "If I’m this tired, you must be exhausted!"
"You haven’t a clue," she answered, laughing harder as she turned her head to him. "I’m glad it’s you... can you imagine... if Harry..." she trailed off, unable to continue.
"Or Tuvok," Chakotay wheezed.
Kathryn performed a remarkably Vulcanesque eyebrow-raise. "Fascinating," she said, then dissolved again at the mental image. "And T-T-Tom..."
"Oh, Kathryn, Tom..." Chakotay buried his face in his arm, leaning on the back of the couch as they released the tension of the situation. Finally, they managed to come to some semblance of order, sighing in unison.
"Ohhhh..." Kathryn sighed, resting her head on the back of the couch, arms crossed loosely over her stomach. "I’m getting too old for this."
"Not from what I hear," Chakotay grinned.
Kathryn rolled her head to face him, eyes narrowed. "Smart aleck." She sighed again, her eyes softening. "Chakotay - in all seriousness – how many of the crew know about this, do you think?"
He regarded her carefully. "I don’t know," he said finally. "Not the whole ship..."
Janeway eyed him shrewdly. "But a significant percentage, I gather."
Chakotay sighed. "It’s a small ship, Captain."
"Mmm, yes – and good news does travel fast." She turned her gaze over the back of the couch, staring – quite literally – into space. So they all knew. At least, all of them who wanted to know. She had expected this, true – but now that the moment had come, it felt like an invasion. She was by nature a private person – the crew knowing intimate details of her life sat none too well. And then there was the question of morale... After a long moment, she turned her head to look at Chakotay. "And the opinion of the crew?"
Chakotay shrugged. "To be blunt, Captain, I think most of them are wondering what took you so long." Janeway raised her eyebrows. "You’re human, Captain. They know that..."
"So my secret is out," she said wryly.
"And the crew are happy that you’re happy," he continued. "I haven’t heard one negative thing about this." He wasn’t about to tell her he had heard some vivid speculations as to the nature of what she and B'Elanna did in bed, or who would be on top...
Janeway sighed in resignation. "All right then," she said briskly, slapping her knees then rising and walking to her desk. "It’s out, and the crew..." she turned to him. "How long have they known, anyway?"
"About three, maybe four months."
She rolled her eyes. Trying to keep a secret on Voyager was like trying to keep Neelix from serving leola root. "Well, the crew haven’t shown any sign of a break-down in discipline," she observed. She nodded. "Maybe it’s time to take this a little more public."
Chakotay grinned. "As long as I’m being honest, it does seem silly to try to keep it secret."
She nodded to him, sitting down behind her desk and gathering up her reports. "Agreed." She glanced up at him as he turned to leave. "And Chakotay?"
He turned.
"Thank you," she smiled.
Chakotay grinned and walked out.
When he was gone, Kathryn rested her face in her hands.
Good God - when B'Elanna finds out about this, she’ll go absolutely Kazon.
"B'Elanna?" Susan Nicoletti stuck her head in the Engineer’s office at the end of the duty shift. "Can I have a moment?"
Torres shrugged. "Come on in," she said, motioning to the chair opposite her desk.
Nicoletti entered and hit the door switch, abruptly ending Voyager’s open-door policy for department heads. She sat uncomfortably. "B'Elanna," she began, then stopped and looked at her pointedly. "If your fly were down, you’d want me to tell you, right?"
"What?!" B'Elanna looked at her as if she were insane, resisting the urge to check her lap.
"I mean, if something were up that was potentially embarrassing to you, you would want to know about it, wouldn’t you?"
"I guess," she answered cautiously. "Susan, what’s going on?"
"I..." she tilted her head and rolled it slightly, her habit when she didn’t quite know what to say. "I, uh, know. About you and the Captain."
B'Elanna stared at her for a long moment, torn between laughing, crying, and ripping Nicoletti’s heart out through her nostrils. Finally, she caved, burying her face in her hands. "Oh, Fek’lhr..."
"I wouldn’t be saying anything if I didn’t live next door to you," Susan continued quickly.
B'Elanna groaned. She had heard them... her roars... Kathryn’s cries... And if Nicoletti knew, who else knew? Who lived on her left... Her head snapped up. "Vorik..."
"He knows."
B'Elanna groaned again, resting her forehead on her hands.
"And as far as I know, he and I are the only two that have heard anything," Nicoletti said to her hair.
"I’m sorry, Susan," B'Elanna said, raising her face. "But I have to kill you. Both of you. Would you mind asking Vorik to come in here..."
"B'Elanna..." Susan said, smiling. "I know..." she thought for a second. "Okay, I have no idea what you must be feeling. I’m not you. But you aren’t the first person to be in this situation."
"Thanks. Makes me feel much better," B'Elanna grumbled. A thought dawned. "How did you know it was Kath- the Captain?"
Nicoletti rolled her eyes. "There are two Catherines on Voyager," she stated. "One of them is on Security night watch, and the other has a very distinctive voice."
"Yes, but how did you know her name..."
Nicoletti gave her a deadpan stare.
"Oh, no – you mean - you heard that much?"
"Only when you scream. Or hit the wall," she added.
B'Elanna’s forehead met her desk with a dull *thud*.
"And besides – the whole ship knows something’s going on."
"Tell me I didn’t just hear what I think I just heard," B'Elanna’s voice was muffled against the desk.
"Oh, come on, B'Elanna," Nicoletti laughed. "You think no one’s going to notice the Captain leaving your quarters after midnight? For three nights in a row?"
"I am not believing this," B'Elanna mumbled.
"And you think no one’s going to wonder why there are so many ‘Personal and Confidential’ secured messages coming to your terminal from the Captain’s ready-room?" she continued, obviously enjoying herself. "And what about the night you two left Sandrine’s within two minutes of each other – the Captain leaving in the middle of a winning streak at pool, no less – and both were located by various sources in the Captain’s quarters immediately following your exit..."
"So people are talking," B'Elanna said flatly, raising her head.
Nicoletti grinned. "Oh, yeah – people are talking." She shook her head. "B'Elanna – to be honest, no one gives a damn. You and the Captain are adults, consenting... Everyone thinks it’s about time. For both of you." She grinned mischievously. "And I bet she’s hell on wheels in bed."
"SU-san!" B'Elanna howled in outraged embarrassment.
"Do I lie?" she raised her eyebrows in wide-eyed innocence.
B'Elanna stood. "Out," she growled, pointing toward the door.
Nicoletti grinned, rising from her chair. "I’ll take that as a no." She walked out casually, leaving B'Elanna with her thoughts as the doors hissed shut.
B'Elanna buried her face in her hands again and wished fervently for a quick and painless death.
Kahless and all the gods... How am I ever going to explain this to Kathryn...
Dinner that night was passed in relative silence, both of them forcing sporadic small-talk, preoccupied with how to break the news to the other. Kathryn, especially, was more silent than usual, lapsing into monosyllabic responses to B'Elanna’s statements and questions. As she ate, her mind raced, turning over every possible alternative. She could just not tell B'Elanna and make it seem that it was her decision to make their relationship public – but then B'Elanna was sure to hear ship’s gossip sooner or later. She could break it to her in bed – but did she want to be naked in bed with an enraged B'Elanna? Not a pleasant thought. She speared a sliver of chicken dismally, realizing that there was no way out of it.
"So efficiency should be increased by at least a percentage point," B'Elanna finished, looking across the table to find Kathryn engrossed in her meal.
"Mm-hm," came the automatic response.
"But I think if we sart using leola root instead of deuterium, that might work,too."
"Mm-hm."
"Kay?"
"Mm-hm."
"Your bra’s on fire."
"Mm-hm." Kathryn blinked rapidly. "Wha... What did you say?" Kathryn looked at her in confusion.
B'Elanna smiled at her thinly. "You’re a little preoccupied tonight."
Kathryn sighed, tossing her napkin to the table. "More than a little." She rose, walking to the replicator for a cup of coffee, then to the couch. B'Elanna joined her, watching as Kathryn curled one leg under her gracefully, sipping. They were silent for a long moment.
"I received some interesting news today," Kathryn said into her cup as she set it on its saucer.
Not half as interesting as mine, I’ll bet, B'Elanna thought, looking at Kathryn uncertainly. Kathryn didn’t meet her eyes. Should she tell her? If not now, when? Kathryn was sure to hear about it sooner or later... "I, uhhhh... I have something I need to talk to you about," she said, staring at her hands uncomfortably.
"So do I," Kathryn answered, clearing her throat. "I don’t quite know..."
"Please, Kay, let me say this," B'Elanna interrupted, meeting her gaze.
Kathryn raised her eyebrows. "I really do need to tell you this..."
"I’ll listen to whatever you have to say – but please. Let me do this before I lose my nerve."
Kathryn set her cup aside, eyebrows raised further, then turned to give B'Elanna her undivided attention. B'Elanna was silent.
"Well?" Kathryn prompted.
B'Elanna drew a deep breath. "I heard something – no, I was told something today that I know will upset you," she began, focusing her gaze somewhere above Kathryn’s head. "I don’t want you to be angry, we both knew this would happen, it’s taken longer for this to get around than I thought..." she trailed off.
Kathryn watched her, forcing her lips to remain still, her face impassive. So Chakotay wasn’t the only one making announcements today, she chuckled inwardly. Knowing him, this has been planned for at least a week...’
"Sue Nicoletti caught me after my shift," B'Elanna continued, forging ahead uncomfortably. "She told me that..." she cleared her throat, "that the crew know." She looked at Kathryn. "About us."
"Is that so?" Kathryn said conversationally, picking up her cup and sipping casually to hide her smile.
B'Elanna stared at her, dumbfounded. "That’s it?" She was completely nonplussed. "Aren’t you angry?" she demanded.
"Should I be?" Kathryn’s eyebrows rose above the rim of her cup.
"Well... Yeah," B'Elanna expostulated. "You were the one who was so concerned about the crew finding out."
"And how does the crew feel about all this?" Kathryn was enjoying herself, watching B'Elanna’s confusion.
"Uhhh, they’re fine, I guess," B'Elanna blinked. "Susan says everyone thinks it’s about time..." She trailed off again - then realization hit her like a ton of bricks. She looked at Kathryn sourly. "You already knew."
Kathryn smiled broadly. "Chakotay told me. Caught me before I even finished my coffee," she added, chuckling.
"And you’re okay with it?" B'Elanna couldn’t believe it. She had prepared herself for many things – stony silence, wide-eyed outrage, even Kathryn raising her voice – but it had never occurred to her that Kathryn would be calm about it.
Kathryn shrugged minutely. "It would appear we don’t have much of a choice," she sighed. "The crew know. Period." She set her cup aside, looked at B'Elanna tenderly, taking her hands in her own and moving her thumbs over them in soothing motion. "And how about you, HIqoy?" she said gently. "How are you holding up?"
"I’d be better if no one had actually heard us..." She grasped after the words mentally as they left her lips.
Kathryn stared at her silently for a long moment. "Who, exactly, heard what?" she asked quietly.
Here it comes... "Nicoletti and Vorik," she answered. "Heard... us. Making love. Your name." She cringed inwardly, waiting for the explosion.
Kathryn was silent. Then she sighed. "That makes three," she said wearily. At B'Elanna’s confused look, she added, "Chakotay."
"Him, too?"
"That wall," Kathryn indicated with her chin, "isn’t as well-insulated as it could be."
B'Elanna grinned lasciviously. "But at least it’s sturdy."
Kathryn held her eyes in cold silence for a moment. Then she smiled. And laughed, B'Elanna joining her, both of them leaning into one another and resting on each other’s shoulders.
"Ohhhh, Bey..." Kathryn finally sighed, turning to nestle into B'Elanna, nuzzling up against her neck. Her arms circled B'Elanna’s waist. "At least no one lives on my right."
"Unless targeting systems can talk," B'Elanna chuckled, kissing her hair.
"God forbid any inanimate object within ten meters of these quarters should learn to speak," Kathryn laughed. She looked up at B'Elanna tenderly for a long moment. "I love you," she smiled.
"I love you, too," she answered, sliding the zipper down the front of Kathryn’s jacket. Kathryn remained passive, eyes closed, smiling, leaning on her. B'Elanna quickly but gently removed every stitch of Kathryn’s clothing, finally holding her lover naked in her lap. "Do you know how beautiful you are?" she asked, gazing into Kathryn’s eyes.
"I’m beginning to," Kathryn answered, a hand at her cheek. She leaned forward slowly, kissing B'Elanna tenderly. "Let’s go to bed," she whispered, unfolding herself to stand, drawing B'Elanna off the couch. Holding her hand, Kathryn walked in front of her, B'Elanna staring at the smooth muscularity of her back.
Kathryn turned and kissed her again, hands sliding over her back and shoulders in loving appreciation. With small sounds of pleasure, she kissed B'Elanna endlessly, slowly, her hands occupied first with caressing, then with removing B'Elanna’s uniform. Finally, B'Elanna stood as naked as Kathryn, both of them stroking one another and drawing away periodically for admiring glances up and down one another’s bodies.
"You know," Kathryn murmured, B'Elanna’s hands in hers as she walked backwards to the bed, "We need to think about how we want to go about all this."
"I know," B'Elanna answered, holding Kathryn’s waist and lowering her to the sheets. It was wonderful – she had discovered that, when fully satisfied, she could be as slow as Kathryn wanted or needed... She kissed Kathryn’s throat warmly, lovingly, Kathryn’s hands coming to her hair as they always did. "And we need to figure out... how to be together... in public..." she murmured between kisses.
"Yes," Kathryn whispered, hands moving downward to caress her shoulders as B'Elanna kissed the spot beneath her ear that drove Kathryn wild.
Kathryn arched. "Bey... B'Elanna, I love you..."
B'Elanna smiled at the words. "And I love you," she whispered, hands stroking Kathryn’s soft breasts luxuriously. "I love you so much..." she arched as Kathryn’s hand slid smoothly down her body, coming to the damp heat between her thighs. Kathryn stroked her in sure, unfailing rhythm, not too fast – just enough to make her want more. Much more.
"I want you, Bey," Kathryn whispered into her mouth as B'Elanna moved to kiss her again. Their lips met in searing heat, slow but urgent hunger that had them both writhing in a matter of seconds. B'Elanna groaned into her mouth, her own hand moving to the soft, thick hair at Kathryn’s mound, fingers finding her swollen hardness and stroking just the way Kathryn loved it...
Kathryn’s mouth was torn from hers as she gasped for breath. B'Elanna turned them, moved so that they were facing one another. Their hands never stopped. As if by telepathic command, Kathryn slid her leg upward, resting her thigh in the curve of B'Elanna’s waist. They kissed again, deeply. B'Elanna could feel Kathryn begin to move, could feel the tension mounting in her own pelvis... Gods, but it was good. So good – Kathryn was so good to her, so perfect, so responsive, so utterly sensuous... She savored the quiet moans Kathryn released into her mouth. It was wonderful – better than ever, this slow loving, both giving exactly what they both needed, unhurried and still passionate...
Slowly, gradually, Kathryn’s movements grew, her breathing quickened - B'Elanna knew her climax was close, so close... She pulled away from that beloved mouth, wanting to watch, to see her pleasure. Never before had she been so willing to give, not take pleasure – never before had she put a lover’s climax before her own the way she did with Kathryn. She stared at her lover, at her lips, parted in unconscious habit; at her neck, rapidly flushing the most lovely shade of pink... B'Elanna groaned as Kathryn’s fingers found her most sensitive spot, bringing her focus back to the pleasure coursing through her own body.
B'Elanna closed her eyes, unable to hold off as Kathryn’s fingers swirled and stroked, lavishing every caress imaginable on her. She felt her own hand go slack against Kathryn as the pleasure took over, as Kathryn stroked her, stroked her, stroked her... She came. Gently, fully, unexpectedly, crying out in utter bliss as Kathryn kissed her face and throat so very tenderly...
She opened her eyes. Kathryn was smiling at her, and leaned in to kiss her again, tongue caressing her lips as she panted. B'Elanna nearly wept from the sweetness of it.
Turning them again, B'Elanna lay pressed to Kathryn’s side, her hand continuing the caresses that had been interrupted only a few short seconds before. Lips curved upward in a blissful smile, Kathryn arched to her, an arm around her back stroking her. If anything, B'Elanna’s climax had only added to Kathryn’s – she sighed and murmured her pleasure as B'Elanna stroked in that one very specific rhythm that was always sure to bring her to fulfillment. In rising pleasure, B'Elanna watched Kathryn, watched her tense, then arch, then draw in her breath deeply... And then she released, the breath leaving her in a quiet, contained cry, her body surging repeatedly against B'Elanna’s hand.
She lay silent, breathing deeply, as B'Elanna rested her hand on her hair, the warmth of Kathryn’s mound fitting comfortably into her palm. Finally, Kathryn opened her eyes, heavy-lidded with exhaustion.
B'Elanna smiled down at her, withdrawing her hand. "Tired?"
Kathryn nodded wordlessly, still smiling.
B'Elanna kissed her tenderly. "I’ll stay ‘til you sleep, okay?"
Kathryn’s hand caught her wrist gently, drawing it across her body. "Stay the night," she whispered, eyes closing.
B'Elanna’s heart leapt. She kissed Kathryn’s forehead, then settled into a comfortable position, holding her and stroking her hair.
"I love you," Kathryn murmured sleepily, turning to nestle against her. She pitched into sleep.
B'Elanna looked at her for a long moment, gazing down at the sweetness of Kathryn’s sleeping face. Slowly, carefully, she stroked her fingertips over Kathryn’s brow, brushing the hair away gently. Kathryn looked so very young in sleep, so vulnerable. B'Elanna leaned down and kissed her forehead once more, smiling as Kathryn murmured and snuggled in between her breasts, arms wrapping tightly about her waist.
"I love you, too," B'Elanna whispered, resting her cheek against Kathryn’s hair and holding her close. She stroked Kathryn’s back lightly, thinking of passion, and fulfillment, and Kathryn risking everything she held dear to be with her... She drifted into sleep, warm and comfortable, held close by strong, gentle arms, Kathryn’s breath warm on her skin.
Copyright Liz Griffin, 1998. All rights reserved.
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