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Stuff
Lyrics
Pictures
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Obsession
"Jay says, 'Stay tuned for Conan', and then Conan comes crashing through you TV set like a freight train bringing the funny!"
"I don't get paid enough to care."
"I would be suspicious of someone like me."
"My job is to be booed by the people of America; it's in my contract."
"You see, you're in for a lifetime of 'And you went to Harvard?' Accidentally give the wrong amount of change in a transaction and it's 'And you went to Harvard?' Ask the guy at the hardware store how these jumper cables work and hear, 'And you went to Harvard?' Forget just once that your underwear goes inside your pants and it's 'and you went to Harvard?' Get your head stuck in your niece's dollhouse because you wanted to see what it was like to be a giant and it's 'Uncle Conan, you went to Harvard!?'"
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In the Year 2000...
Michael Jackson's son, Prince Michael II will write a memoir in which he wistfully recalls that one glorious moment on the balcony when he nearly escaped.
We will finally learn what makes French vanilla ice cream different from regular vanilla ice cream- cowardice.
People will automatically smile for pictures when photographers develop a flash that emits not only a sudden burst of light, but also the sound of Barbra Streisand being mauled by a bear.
Instead of saying "thank you", the polite response to the comment "you have something stuck on your tooth" will be "I can't believe I ate all those old people."
A law will be passed allowing women to kill one ex-boyfriend with no consequences. Long-haired bass players named Steve will be wiped off the face of the earth.
Gay men will not be allowed to marry each other, but will still be welcome to marry Liza Minelli.
Auto experts in Detroit will descern that the reason SUVs roll over so often is that they want oral sex.
The Chicago Cubs and Boston Red Sox will meet in the World Series up in the bleachers where they'll have a great view of the Yankees and Braves.
Shoehorns will stop helping feet slide into shoes and start trying to bang the shoes themselves.
After Celine Dion begins a 3 year contract show in Las Vegas, the U.S. government announces that it plans on resuming nuclear testing in Nevada.
Violence in the music business will reach a new peak when rapper 50 Cent is cut into quarters.
Corn on the cob will be viciously mugged by corn on the crack pipe.
Bandits will attack Queen Elizabeth. To save her life, she will have to call on the knights sworn to defend her - Elton John, Mick Jagger, and Paul McCartney.
When it is discovered that it takes exactly 437 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, it will be announced that science is officially over.
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Quotes
"Sometimes when I'm at a McDonalds, I wait until nobody is looking, and then I stick my hand inside the straw dispenser and touch all the straws." - David Bowie
"I'm looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody." - David Bowie
"I have this feeling that if I could sort out what's on my dining room table, everything would fall into place." Alan Rickman
"A man in the house is worth two in the street." Mae West
"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." Gloria Steinem
"You can lead a horticulture, but you cant make her think." Dorothy Parker
"It's your first month at college and you haven't made any friends. Well, learn from my experience. You won't. Ever. You'll walk the earth a sad, lonely, red-headed freak. Then one day, inexplicably, you'll be given a TV show. Then people will have to talk to you. So hang in there." - Conan O'Brien
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