these are all the issues i feel strongly about and my opinions on them. there are loads. this is because i am great. They are not in any particular order therefore i am not trying to quantify concepts and philosophies - this is further evidence of my
greatness
schmoozing
aka the "art" of talking to people more famous/influential than you in the hope that they think you are cool or mistake you for someone important. schmoozing is crap. i know this because i have seen people do it and it basically involves shouting down peoples earholes then them shouting down yours and spilling beer on your shoe. if you are lucky this will result in you supporting their band and/or attending their dead aunt's funeral mistakenly. i suppose it is ok to schmooze if you enjoy the art itself. however the old "its not what you know its who you know" phrase doesnt apply here. because if you know that people are crap, like the lead singer of the music crp, you need not get to know them. if they are good, like WELL good, like andrew wk good, then they will come and buy you a drink or a house or something and talk to you in a none schmoozy manner without spilling beer on your shoe or shouting in your ear. you see professional schmoozing is like heroin addiction in that you shout in ears even when its not noisy AND ruin your shoes, however it is not like heroin addiction in that you will NOT be likely to write "heroin" by lou reed. that is how it is like heroin addiction. so basically - saying "you're cool" or "have you got a light" or "can i take a photo of you i promise you'll never see me again and i have no criminal record" is not schmoozing and is fine. BUT!!! saying "yeah there's real potential there - you just need to have a hardcore act supporting you, like our band" or "have you got a cigarette" or "i've never heard them but i have heard they are really really good" or "big country are crap!" then that is schmoozing and should be punishable by death. OK?????????
anal sex
ok, john widdop asked for this one. basically from what i know its similar to pink floyd in that lots of people think its big and clever and they should like it - but actually it is rubbish. so i'll use that template:
anal sex is sh*t. anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong. i am in the best possible position out of any living human being to pass judgement on this , having never done it. the other man would catch fire. prism? dont make me laugh. no really. it dont make me laugh. a crap crap crap type of sex. awful. crap
pink floyd
pink floyd are sh*t. anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong. i am in the best possible position out of any living human being to pass judgement on them , having heard 3 songs and thought one was ok and the other two were sh*t. another brick in the gay wall part 2 is one of the worst songs i have ever heard in that it has no conceivable use at all. it's so crap. but you can't even think it's funny - it is THAT crap. also the only use for it would clearly be to terrorize people, but nobody uses it for this reason. so it's useless like the band. oh and their artwork is bad. man with lightbulbs... is this a postmodern statement about how we each light our own lives? no its just crap. man on fire shaking hands with other man on fire? hmmmmmm crap - the other man would catch fire. prism? dont make me laugh. no really. it dont make me laugh. a crap crap crap band. awful. crap.
the arab israeli conflict
i think it would be better if all arabs and israelis played chess for land rather than bombed each other. alternatively the deaths could be recorded and a points system could be created to decide who is winning the conflict and the first one to 100 could have the land.
religion
religion is a phenomenon created by all human cultures however remote to explain that which otherwise remains a mystery. it is impossible to prove any religion right or wrong except hinduism which is stupid because people clearly arent born again as snails. however hindus tend to be nicer than average people so this implies that the less realistic ones religion is the more regard they have for humanity. this is probably because they care less for gods and more for people - which is obviously the better thing to do. religion is the cause of much bloodshed and fine architecture. and you dont get that in argos
suicide
as a marketing teqnique suicide is a mixed blessing because it draws attention to and romanticises an individual thus making them appear more interesting or significant than they were. however they then die and therefore it is impossible for a mere mortal like me to tell whether they can reap the rewards of the exercise. suicide is considered immoral because of the effects it can have on close freinds or relatives however if someone has none of these then it doesnt matter. suicide brings on death which is the ultimate voyage of discovery. however, suicide does prevent natural completion of the second most ultimate voyage of discovery. the best way to kill yourself is by gun, knife or high building. living in an area where all the oil wells have run dry for ages is not the best way of killing yourself. nor is starvation or self cannibalism.
ps: the band called Suicide are ace.
korn
i have never listened to the korn album 'issues'.
ps: i have never listened to any other korn albums come to think of it.
sexuality
i do not believe that anybody has a single sexuality i think everyone has the potential to be gay, bestialist, necrophillic, paedophillic and just about anything else. this is because there is no such thing as defined gender or defined sex. however the differences in the sex and gender 'spectrum', for want of a better word, can not be directly linked to sexuality. therefore somebody who is genetically female but has large shoulders is no more likely to want to have sex with dead people than someone who is genetically female and has small shoulders. also, there's a difference between sexism and sexuality in case you didnt listen tot he song. the reason that females typically took secondary citizen status in the world's advancing societies is because the colour pink is not as good as the colour blue and so its just a bt unlucky.
ps: the song "sexuality" by billly bragg is great but it was turned into "bestiality" at a live show a few years ago by long time bragg friend phil jupitus. this basically involved substituting the lyrics for hilarious quips about having sex with animals. dangerously entertaining.
racism
everyone is racist. particularly if they are in a significant majority or minority. the cause of racism is a mixture of just about everything. racism is no different to any form of prejudice based on individual differences except that it is more famous and is interpreted on a larger scale. opression causes racism and racism causes opression. marmalade gollywog badges are not racist although they are reminiscent of a time when racism was more publicly acceptable in britain. and when marmalade contained more natural setting agents.
sexism
everyone is sexist. sexism is a result of the jealousy of something which one can never be. this is not the same as racism because racism is mainly based around ignorance whereas sexism often stems from the opposite. lists of top 10 hot babes are not sexist. they are a complement to the female sex as a celebration of the fine points of femininity and the female sex.
ps: not to be confused with sexiness. i say this just cos some lady called me sexy the other week and i thought they said "sexist" so i hit her. how tragically ironic!
global warming
global warming will be a right laugh because people will have to frantically chnage world maps and that valley that goes down the welsh border will be flooded so the welsh will finally become independent and have nothing to eat but sheep and nothing to build with but slate. holland will look a lot more interesting than it does now and belgium will stop trying to force us to change the name of our chocolate to "cocoa based animal fat product with high milk levels". people may even finally realise how mucht hey have been wasting their time bombing each other and selling cabbages to the other side of the world and collecting stamps when this happens. ot they may simply think "well i'd better hurry up and bomb someone / send that cabbage / finish my stamp collection before more of my country sinks." either way it will be interesting and there may even be huge crocodiles. i do not think the whole world should try to prevent global warming. i think some people should - because it is inevtibale that humanity must destroy the planet because it is a virus as well as a mammal and is therefore the most destructive, and lets face it, the greatest living thing on the planet. even termites couldnt do that. it is also one of the great and wonderful things about humanity that if we stopped sending those cabbages and collecting those stamps and bombing those arabs then we would actually still probably be able to prevent the destruction of the planet. maybe. we could definitely slow it down. however this will not happen because humanity is such a wonderfully crazy thing so wehn i take the train back from university NEXT year there will be even more lakes in the fields and soon wiltshire will be labelled as the second lake district.
ps: swedish boyband The International Boys Conspiracy recently released a cocept album about this subject called "a new morning changing weather" check it out its well ecological!
art
art is great because now theres so much of it that hasnt died we cant comprehend it because we know there is more than we will ever be able to see - like the world itself really. so we ask stupid quesions like "what is art" and "does art exist anymore" when the only answer you could ever find would be that it DOESNT F***ING MATTER. art is great because it is great and it is crap and anyone can see what they want in it whether it likes it or not. being an artist does not mean being special it just means being human. the labourer is as much an artist as the painter although he probably spends less time thinking "what is art" and therefore lives a more productive life; for better or worse.
ps: my art is better than yours.
living a productive life
...can f*** off. there is no point living a productive life because a productive life can not be defined anyway and could not help you live or die better even if it could. there is no point working for the greater good of humanity because the greater good of humanity is not THE greater good and in fact the best thing for humanity isnt any kind of greater good its a big mix of good bad and ugly things. if you make 12 pies in a day and eat them all you will be fat. if you make no pies you will die. if you make 6 you will be avergae. none of these matters in any way so there is no way that being productive is the best way of going about things. it is a lot more FUN not to be productive because you can think more while you are not producing and thinking leads to greater emotions, both good and bad and the only argument for life is that you experience these heights, even though they end up being as average as an emotionless life in the end because at least two things making an average is better than one thing making an average.
ps: except in the case of two huge murderers making an average of 45 kills each, whereas one of them only did 39. unless they killed crap people. ok?
milk in coffee
you shouldn't put milk in coffee because even though it still tastes quite nice it loses all of its magic and its allure and its power. it is unfair to treat it this way. if you want it cool enough to drink then just add some cold water. duh.
disclaimer: none of these opinions on pressing issues are actually opinions because opinions dont exist because free thought is impossible except in those unable to express opinions.
ps: if you want to know my opinion on a pressing issue just email me at thesvenhunter@hotmail.com but be sure to use this title: "hey, i really NEED to know your opinion on this pressing issue!" so it can be directed to the correct folder.
