Top Five Drinking Alternatives
Top Five alternatives to drinking during the night of the Stewards Dance
5. Vandalism is a great way to spend a weekend night. Instead of buying beer for binge drinking, buy eggs, toilet paper, and spray paint. Late at night, destroy as much property as possible, and spray paint gang symbols so it looks like the vandals were minorities.
4. If drinking isnt your thing, there are a number of other ways to alter your mind and escape. Marijuana and crack are the least expensive, while heroin, though pricey, will change your life forever. Just go to Jane & Finch and start yelling, Which deservedly impoverished black or latino has my drugs? Im an arrogant UCC student from the top rung of the socio-economic ladder, slumming in your disgusting ghetto because no self-respecting white person sells drugs!
3. Drunk, anonymous, unprotected sex is a great way to achieve guilt-free pleasure. Just make sure youre blacked out so that you dont recognize your partner at some other party, which is both awkward and embarrassing (when you realize how ugly she is).
2. Find fun non-alcoholic beverage alternatives. Consider this: youre at a social event with a blind date who you barely caught the name of, your costume represents a phallic symbol, and you end up standing in the corner all night. You arrive at the After Party (its not school sanctioned). I bet you sure could go for an ice cold Snapple® right now!
1. Drink! Did you know that 97% of UCC students drink? Why go against the grain? CONFORM! Dont be gay.