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IB1 Course Selection 2004
Because the IB headquarters is full of pompous idiots who envision an assimilation of the ideals of the youth of tomorrow, you must choose at least one class from our given categories. Many of our applicants have written to us and have said that by forcing students to comply with our rules of choosing courses, we are discouraging creativity as well as a responsibility within the student to pick the course which means the most to him/her. In response to our pot smoking liberal nonconformist beatnik flag wavers, we say deal with it. If you want to drive your Lexus SUVs to a public schools curriculum, be my guest.
Modern Languages *
(Rest of classes missing because we could not make fun of them without severely affecting our grades) .
Undertaking a modern languages class may cause a destruction of your enthusiasm to learn a language. The course will result in frequent mind numbingly useless exercises that do not result in an improvement of language skills, and only serve to teach the trademark art of UCC, known as regurgitation. The only useful skill you will receive is in espionage. A student can expect to learn tricks and sneaky tactics to fooling the IB markers into thinking that you are capable of speaking fluent French through the mastery of idiomatic expressions. Many of which have not been used in France since the 1970s, such as, Avoir mal au cheveux, which literally translates to, To have badly with the hair, but actually means to have a hangover. It is rumored that the second and last time this expression was used, was by Ms. Wiggett during her first period class, the morning after a staff party on Sunday.
Besides the obvious faults of the eternally intoxicated modern languages staff, the core curriculum consists of nothing more than intervals of your teacher speaking the language while you struggle to understand, followed by intervals of outbursts from the rowdy members of the class, attempting to fight against the powers that be using fractured logic and the occasional swear.
As a full time student, you must prepare yourself for many annoying lectures in the language of your choice. These only serve to make fun of the weaknesses of the less capable students, while the few capable students are the only ones competent enough to understand the majority of the insults.
At times the teacher will believe that the only way you are going to learn French is through exposure to it, so he or she may continue to speak in French throughout an entire lesson, leaving the weaker part of the class, or the majority, in the dust, still futilely attempting to differentiate between the passé compose and the imparfait.
The curriculum continues with its studies of complex novels or plays, many of which are considered existentialist, and very difficult to analyze in depth, even in English. These books will not be on the exam and make up no part of the final IB exam. They only serve to expose you to how difficult the language is to learn and comprehend and more so how much you suck at it.
Finally, as a pathetic attempt to make up for appalling attendance records, daily tests will be mandatory in every class. Most of these tests you cannot study for, and in the unfortunate case of an absence, you are forced to remake these tests on your own time. Possible scenarios are a reading comprehension test every day for two weeks straight, or in dire attendance circumstances, a vocabulary test every second day of the year.
These classes may result in an exponential growth of the use of personals, or doctor appointments. Please consult a physician before applying.
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