(Scene opens with The Vandal arriving at Thormore ARE Publishing In Southern States to discuss an autobiography with the president Peter Michael Thormore)
Peter Michael Thormore: Howdy partner! What can I do you for?
PA: I’m not a prostitute you gimp!
PMT: No it’s an expression! Anyway Peter Michael Thormore, nice to meet you. Call me PMT.
PA: OK PMT. I’m here to discuss the offer you made to my agent a Mr Brian Potter about an autobiography charting my early years through to the present day.
PMT: Yeah well I’m quite happy to sanction the book. I think that it would be a worthwhile venture, as it would promote you and Thormore Publishing.
PA: Great! What’s my advance then?
PMT: Advance?
PA: Yeah you know money to help write the thing?
PMT: Oh that kind of advance! I thought you were making a pass at me! PA: Stop. Stop it right now! You’re trying to be funny and your failing dismally! Leave the jokes to the one line king The Vandal! Here’s one for you.
Man goes to the doctor’s with a steering wheel down his pants and says to the doctor it driving me nuts!
(PMT goes into an uncontrollable fit of laughter)
(5 min later)
PA: All right now you’re taking the piss! SHUT UP!
PMT: Sorry where were we? Oh yes your book. I have the perfect person for you to work with.
(The door opens)
Mr Anderton I present to you one of the best writers on our books, Dick Pounder!
PA: What is it with Potter’s contacts? They all have names that have a sexual reference in them! Roger A. Gay and now Dick Pounder!
PMT: Don’t be put off by the name. Dick is one of the best-known writers of erotica around.
PA: Erotica?! This books an autobiography not some seedy porno tale! I want a different writer! Besides since when have bloke’s worn skirts and tops that show their beer bellies?
Dick Pounder: I’m Scottish you Jessie! It’s national dress and it’s called a kilt!
PMT: Dick grew up on one of the gayest streets in rural Scotland. It had a profound effect on him.
(Dick shouts to PMT’s Assistant)
DP: OI! Willy woofter! Get your boney arse in here and clean up this mess.
PA: Why has he pissed on the floor?
PMT: Well he was never house trained as a child do he does the business anywhere.
PA: That does it! You have the time that it takes me to do this promo to find me another writer or I’ll take my idea to another publishers, right?
PMT: OK I’ll try my hardest!
(Dick Pounder and PMT leave the room and The Vandal sets up the camera and presses the record button)
Well, The Vandal here and I can’t wait for FNX. Time is ticking TICK TOCK TICK TOCK! JJ Crapford you may have beaten El Enigma, but the fact is that you are gonna lose this week to “The Rising Star”! Now I’m taking the threat that you present very seriously, because if I don’t you have the tools to defeat me. But that said The Vandal knows that if I bring my A game I can beat your sorry ass.
Now I don’t do this very often but I took the liberty of looking up you profile. Ah, here it is! Bloody hell! It’s like a Hollywood epic! 1,2,3,4,5… pages?! I bet you keep the person who asked you about these subjects hostage for a week by the looks of this.
Anyway I digress. Lets start at the top. Actually I couldn’t give a shit about where you were born and how much you weight and the fact that you’re a self-obsessed Muppet! Hell this Biography sounds like some soppy movie script! Quick get Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts on the phone and start negotiating with them!
Women: Ok Mr Anderton. What are their numbers?
PA: Not really you stupid mare! Lets read on. My goodness it gets worse and worse. Big heart and never say die attitude. Well you’ll need both of them this week JJ and more if your gonna derail The Vandal Express! Now I couldn’t care less if you were the King of High risk or The Queen of Sheba! The fact is that The Vandal is “What The World Has Been Waiting For”!!!!!!!!!
As for your marriages. Who gives a crap?! Great you were married to Stephanie McMahon and Lita! “Inform Time Magazine”! No one not even your fans give a shit about how many time you have been married!
Now onwards and upwards or in JJ’s Case downwards! I think you’ll find that you turning on Joe Cool was one of the worst decisions that you have ever made! In fact it goes up there with facing The Vandal on FNX this week! Taking of hearing things around the world, People are gonna here the ref counts one, two, three whilst your shoulders are pinned to the mat and then they’ll hear The Vandal crowned Honor Champion!
Now lets pick some moves from this move list. Lets pick 10. Here goes, Crawford Effect, Crawford Crusher, Crawford Bottom, Crawford Impact, Crawford Cutter, In fact I’ll stop there. You can see by the 5 moves I have highlighted that JJ is love with himself. The Crawford this and that. Completely Pathetic!
I’ve had enough of talking about him so now I’ll go onto update the fans on the ongoing “Iceman Out Campaign” So far Iceman hasn’t come out an admitted to his on going love affair with Big Dave. But I think he is starting to crack. Here is some transcript that I was handed by a worker on an ICW house show. It reads
“It’s too much. I can’t take it all in. I need some time to think over what you’re asking me to do”
I think you’ll all agree that this is progress. The Vandal has the support of every one backstage in outing Iceman, as I feel that we are all working in an unsafe environment. Whilst the Iceman is in the closet, people will think he is straight and won’t take the necessary precautions when he is around. This means making sure you are sitting on a chair, so that nothing untoward happens.
That was an “Out Iceman Campaign” Update brought to you by the kind people here at Thormore ARE Publishing in Southern States. Thank you for tuning in and don’t have nightmares. Good Night.
(The Vandal turns the camera off)
PA: Right PMT, have you got me any other writers?
PMT: Yes, but only one.
PA: Who?
PMT: Janet Bushwhacker.
PA: Lets see her then
(Janet walks in)
PA: Your hired!
PMT: But I haven’t sold her best features yet.
PA: Well I’ve made my mind up on her best features!
PMT: OK, Lets discuss the front cover. I was thinking…
PA: No. This is what I want. The Vandal, with the Honor Championship around his waste. Looking in to the camera with a “what you looking at” stare.
PMT: OK we’ll see what we can do about it. Now where do you want our logo “Thormore ARE PISS” on the book?
PA: I knew something like this would happen! Everything going swimmingly and then BANG! Something like this comes up. Stick it down the spine of the book.
PMT: OK, Janet will visit you at FNX and that will be the first meeting. She will do things in a chronological order so start with childhood up to present day. OK?
PA: Yeah great, See you Friday, Janet.
JB: Yeah I’ll arrive about 2 pm OK.
PA: Can’t wait.
(The Vandal leaves the room and the screen fades)