The Sanctuary
 

        So there's me.  If you're at this page, you're obviously extremely bored, so Im not going to make any attemps at creating an incredibly  interesting homepage.  Lets face it, this is probably the most excitement you've had all night.  Anyways, if you've come here, it might be because you want to know a little more about me.  So that is what I shall write about.

About Me :

    Well, Im 19 years old now.  Getting on in years.  Depressing really, but oh well.  Im in my first year of college at George Brown, and it's actually not as bad as high school.  I spend a lot of time on the internet.  Thats more due to the fact that Im a nerd than anything else.  As you've probably noticed from the name of this webpage, and the drab look of it, darkness is something that I seem to thrive on.  It's evident in my writting, my tattoos, and my recent outlook on life.  Maybe that'll change with time, maybe not.  No big deal.  Besides, it's my choice to live  however I want to.  Speaking of that, I'll explain some of my choices, relating to my lifestyle.  Im straight-edge and vegetarian.  Not because they're trendy and because Im trying to be cool, but because I have found them to be positive things for me.  People have the freedom to live the way they want to.  Everyone always says that life is too short.  I disagree.  Life is very  long.  Even longer if you have regrets and burdens bearing down on you.  So my look on it is to find a way of living that makes you happy, because you're going to be living that way for a  long, long time.  I wasnt always straight edge and vegetarian, so I've had the chance to experience life on the other side of the fence, and for me, the grass is definetly greener on this side.  Drinking, drugs, smoking, and promiscuity are simply things I can live without.  My mind is the only thing thats truly mine.  I just dont like the idea of clouding it any further.  I like being in charge of my actions, and remembering all my experiences.  The pages in my mind from my life before going straight edge are not very clear.  They read  like a book with missing words and sentence fragments.  I didnt like that, so I decided to fix that, and Im happier the way I am now.  That isnt to say that everyone has to live the way I do.  I dont preach, or push my lifestyle on others.  Like I  said, it's your own choice.  Anyways, moving on.  I find expression of ones self to be very important.  I do it through many ways, but my favourite is without a doubt tattoos.  They permanently seal what you're thinking under your skin.  They act as reminders, or as outlets for whatever you may be feeling.  Mine express my anger and bitterness for the most part.  Im constantly hassled about my reasons for getting tattoos, and to all of you, all I can say is, fuck you.  You worry about what you do, I'll worry about what I do.  My experiences in life have made me the way I am.  Some have had it easier, some have had it harder, but either way I will continue to deal with it the way I want to.  To the people with priveladged lives that tell me to cheer up, you can all go to hell.  If I dont feel like putting on a smile, then Im not going to.  Once everything stops going your way, you might understand how I feel.  To all of those who have had experiences worse than mine, you only have my respect.  I wont give you my sympathy, because I know you dont want it.  It's fairly obvious from reading this, that I strongly believe in personal freedom.  I have no tolerance for people that try to change the way I am, or put me down because of it.  Their ignorance is something I dont need.  I always find it funny when people who can barely control their own lives try and give me advice on mine.  Or when people who have no sense of self, but instead try and live the way their friends do, criticize me for being unique.  Im not afraid to be myself, and Im not ashamed of who I am.  Often, people deny who they really are, and attempt to fit their square peg into society's round hole.  Personally, I find that sad.  Your life is yours to live.  Live it the way you want to, not how society's definition of "normal" tells you to.  But it would be hypocritical of me to tell people how to live their lives, because in the end, it is their own choice.  This is all my opinion.  I dont claim to state anything as fact.  I will not try and argue that a priest is a better person than a drug addict.  It simply isnt so.  There are certain people who I admire more than others, but I will not for one minute claim to be the decision maker on who is better or who is worse.  Or who is right, and who is wrong.  I will never tell anyone how to live their lives.  Thats up to them to decide.
 
 
 

People I admire :

    Becky Halk - I think becky is one of the truest people I have ever met.  She's never afraid to be who she is, and she is never one to judge.  Ive found refuge in her kind words and sensitivity, and for that I can never thank her enough.  Im glad that people like her exist, because I dont know what I would do without them.

    Mike Ness - I can not for one minute imagine what it would be like to see most of my best friends end up in jail, or dead.  I can not even grasp how hard it would be to overcome addictions and pull myself out of it.  For overcoming incredible obstacles in his life and pushing forward.  For not taking the easy way out.  I will always admire him.
 

These are not the only people I admire, they are simply two people that have helped me through my life.  Becky, through her friendship, and Mike Ness through his music.  Anyone that is true to themselves and expresses courage is someone I truly admire.
 

Influences and Inspirations :

    The biggest influences in my life come from the music I listen to.  Certain bands stand out among the crowd though, and their music has helped me immensely.   Wether it be an intensely bitter song expressing rage, or a song that promotes friendship above all else, they all have ways of helping me move forward.  Below are some of the songs I draw inspiration from, and that I truly love.
 

"Good Lookin Out"  - Sick of it all

Thinking back on what we had
want to give in, want to give up
despair washes over you
where do you go, what will you do
your mind is racing
in a million directions all at once
where will you turn

you're not in this all alone
just look around, and you'll see
the answers right before your eyes
Im here for you and you for me
It's hard to open up, just try and you'll see
true friends will always be there

thinking back on what we had
all those times that we shared
all those times both good and bad
our growing friendship has formed a bond
never ending
you were there through it all
now it's my turn

there's no doubt
good lookin out
when lifes not fair
true friends will always be there
 
 
 

"Asphyxiate"  - Earth Crisis

Dependence consumes controlled and distracted, by a self inflicted sickness.
With every breath of the poison the habit intensifies and the attempt to stop weakens.
Filth smoulders in the ashtray as you draw vileness into your lungs.
Killing yourself, subjecting others to the air that your smoke defiles.
Cashing in on a cash crop, cashing in on your slow death  for their financial gain.
They create then feed a carcinogenic addiction that leads to self destruction.
Cancer ravages the throat and lungs, a diseased heart fails.
The pain was avoidable and yet this insanity is accepted as normal.
The first genuine moments of remorse may be the last few seconds of life.
Coughing up blood, gasping for breath - each one was a nail in your coffin.
Inhale.  Asphyxiate
 
 
 

"Deliver Me"  - One King Down

I look into the mirror
and I cant see whats wrong
I gaze at my face
I look into my eyes
I make the faces that Ive made before
what makes then come so close
what makes them turn away
my eyes reveal nothing
as I stare into their depths
my face lines with grief
I dont know why
my lips crack that twisted smile again
of anguish and pain
my image contorts
what can I do
where can I find the answers that I seek
deliver me
nothing is resolved
I simply stare into the face
of one who is confused, afraid and alone
deliver me
deliver me from this
 
 

My writting :

    I find writting to be a great release.  Rage recorded on paper, is less harmful than rage acted out on others.  It is for that reason that I try to write out my emotions, and many times I find that it helps.  Here are two poems that I have written, both dealing with the same subject.  An odd thing I do, is that I dont name my poems.  I find it hard to place a title on them, so I choose not to.
 
 
 

it's cold outside today
foreshadowing of things to come, as im greeted by a chilling breeze
memories hang in my my mind as if frozen by the weather
reminders of a time that has long since been forgotten
sparkling with happiness, with an underlying hint of this choking fear and bitterness
as i walk this barren road of long forgotten souls
the only obstacles in my way are the nagging thoughts inside my head
transparent images of something once pure, now corrupted by its own intent
and now i find myself at the crossroads and i dont know which way to go
a voice from above guides me along through the cold and unforgiving snow
it sounds familiar but i cant place it
coated in innocence as if to cover up it's mal intent
empty  promises and hollow words, cloud my better sense
i now recognize the voice but the trap has been sprung and its too fucking late
the sun goes down and i cant seem to find my way back
i can see your smile in the darkness
it pierces through my heart one last time
as the ground disappears from under me
im falling and theres no escape
id fly but you broke my wings.
 
 
 
 

Heed my words before you sleep
let them not fall upon deaf ears
my suffering shall not be in vain
should i be granted what i beg of here
the gallows seem so tranquil
cloaked in the shadows of lives half led
as the prisoner is carried out
no pleas for mercy does he send
his dream is now within his grasp
for this man, shall no one mourn
a hush befalls the gathered growd
like a quiet moment before the storm
another in-justice carried out
an unkown solider who meant no harm
a fleeting glimpse, a passerby
delivered into heavens arms
this fate awaits me too I fear
but death is not the thing I dread
a quick end seems un-befitting
of the sorrowed  life Ive led
I ask of you a favour
let me be delivered by your hand
for a story to be correctly told
every chapter
must be inked by the same pen
to all who paved the road Ive travelled
a hurried message do I sing
speak now or forever hold your piece,
for before the new day breaks
i shall bear witness to the salvation eternal slumber brings
somewhere in the darkness,
a candle flickers behind closed shutters
somewhere in the distance,
a single tear hits the floor
a passing thought is all I ever was to you,
and nothing more
resurrect my demons
step forth into the flame
descend into my fortress of solitude and force open the gate
finish what you've satrted,
for it's you who've driven me to this
im still weak and shackled from the sting of your last painful kiss
take the knife still in my back and push it through my heart
watch the life you robbed me of,  drain out from my pores
let your face be the last thing i see,
as the fog of death my vision takes
one last reminder,
as i close my eyes,
that it was you who sealed my fate.
 
 
 

Thank You :

    If you made it this far, then I guess I should thank you for actually reading everything.  If at anytime you feel like asking me something, you can e-mail me at SewerUrchin35@hotmail.com and I will answer anything you should want to know.  I would also like to thank the following people for being there for me, and putting
with all my shit : Jon Halk, Becky Halk, Jess Davenport, Chris Hammel, Conor Nally, Jesse Pether, Hai Vu, Alex McDonald, Kate Morgan, Sarah Beldick,
Sarah Solomon, Keeley Parsons, Lindsay Montgommery, and anyone else I forgot.  Your friendship has meant the world to me, and that will continue to be true until the day I die.
 

Links :

    One of the hardest things for a person to do is admit that they need help.  Unfortunately, as was my case at first, most people are too stubborn to admit they have a
problem.  Speaking from experience, I can safely say that a resolve to lifes problems are sometimes only attainable with the help of others.  Helping a friend or a loved one
to find the strength and courage to admit they need help is all of our duties.  It is unfortunate in the age we live in, that there are still people who will ridicule, and poke fun
at someone for their personal problems.  There is nothing that will make these people go away, and it is the fear that they instill that prevents many people from speaking out.  It took
me more than seven months to admit I had a problem, and once I did, it made me wonder why I had waited so long.  Writting this takes a lot of courage.  Im putting this up here,
in the hopes that it might inspire even one person to seek the help they need.  Whatever you may be going through, it isnt something to be ashamed of.  The means of getting help
are there for us.  It's time we used them.  Below Ive listed some websites that provide information, and means of getting the help that you may need.
 
 

Kids Help Phone Online
www.depression.com
Eating Disorder information
Suicide Provention site
Sexually Transmitted Diseases information
Information on teen pregnancy, and many more teen health issues

"Tommorow is born of the night, in darkness together, we ignite"