Couple(s): Anything's fair game in this one--expect some references to slash.

Rating: PG-13 for the word, 'damn' and the phrase, 'bloody heck'.

Disclaimer: 'Smallville', all related characters, and references belong to Gough/Millar Inks, the WB, and DC comics; DS9 is the baby of Rick Berman et al, and Gene Roddenberry; Freddy Krueger and ANOES belong to the underrated genius, Wes Craven; Pinhead is the brainchild of the incomparable Clive Barker. I borrowed lines from both TV shows.

Author's Note to all 'Smallville' fans: I love the characters dearly--with the exception of a certain British bimbo who is truly repulsive--but they get a little out of hand sometimes; I mean them no harm. (*hugs Pete*)

Author's Note to all DS9 fans: Similar to the one above, except I truly do love everyone on the show. I really don't want to hurt or traumatize them. Really. (*hugs Jake*) Enjoy.

General Note: This one was a little harder to write--I hope it doesn't suck.

Star Trek: The Smallville Nightmare Part Two

* * * * *

Q found him in much the same position he'd been in last time; bending over and putting toys away, while his class had a raucous paste fight behind him. Without his infamous knife-glove, Freddy Krueger looked just like every other dead, dream-invading, fedora-wearing, burnt stalker that was condemned to a life of teaching whiney brats in Hell's nursery school.

"Krueger. Delighted to see you again." Q boomed, opting, this time, for a Starfleet admiral's uniform--no relation, by the way, to the sports team.

The unwilling teacher glanced upward, wrinkled his nose in distaste. "You again. Unless you promise I can horrify those teens in their dreams this time, I'm not interested."

Q folded his arms across his rustling robes, staring down at the retired villain. "What? I thought you *liked* getting away from here." Spreading his arms out to encompass the surrounding room, he caused all the screaming children to freeze, then smirked proudly. "That was so annoying. How do you put up with it, Krueger?"

Freddy chucked a rag doll at the omnipotent alien to keep from throwing a hissy fit. "*Shut up*! Just shut up. It's bad enough that I have to *share* with these cretins--" he jabbed a scarred finger at the child-statues, "but I have to answer to Pinhead and the Cenobites. Do you know how freaky Pinhead is? Ick. If he says that he'll tear my soul apart one more time, I swear I'll be as evil as I possibly can be without my knives." He shuddered and flexed his bladeless fingers. "I'll go with you; where are we headed?"

Q rubbed his hands together in maniacal delight. "Exceeeeellent. We're taking our favorite teens and their various PUs to a little space station called Deep Space Nine."

Fred, situating his fedora back on his head, appeared confused. "'PUs'? They're not smelly, are they? Because if they are--"

Q threw his hands in their air and sighed in a very Shatner-esque manner. "That stands for 'Parental Units', you idiot. Where *have* you been for the last five years?"

"In Hell," was his companion's casual response.

The alien snapped his fingers again and the room, children and all, disappeared. Once again, the pair found themselves floating in outer space. "Are you going to be able to handle it this time? It's just air, after all."

Though Fred was about to make a big deal about floating, as he had done before, he bit what was left of his lower lip to stop himself. "Of bloody course I can handle it. What, am I two now?"

Q sneered. "That can be arranged."

"I have a feeling this trip is going to be Hell all over again..." Freddy muttered to himself as his fellow troublemaker paved the way to DS9.

* * * * *

Bo--known to his family and friends as 'Jonathan'--Kent hated Luthors; he hated them so much, in fact, that "I'll say it one more time, and then I'll print up bumper stickers: this is not a date! Er, I hate Luthors!"

After a particularly disturbing encounter with one--Lex had visited Bo when the latter was in a coma--he hated them more than ever. He didn't know why, if he'd ever known, what caused his allergic reaction to that family; all he knew was that M.B., Lex, Lillian, and anyone else we haven't been exposed to yet needed to be banished to Htrae!

He snuggled up next to his lovely wife, Martha--known to some as 'Lana' or 'Ma Kent'--and settled in for a long winter's nap. I mean, a good night's sleep.

Or so he thought.

* * * * *

"Clark, I want you to know that I love you, whether or not you can go ten minutes without showing off. Okay?" Martha said to her son, hugging him fiercely.

"Mu-*ohm*," Clark Bar whined, pushing her away as he glanced around them, making sure no one in the crowded corridor noticed the PDA. "Can't we go one day without you embarrassing me in front of my friends? Besides, I'm only going to find out where we are; not put on a suit and fly to the Daily Planet building."

Martha chuckled. "You can't fly, Clark."

"I'm glad, otherwise I'd have to add you to the Wall--which, I might add, I can't go one episode without mentioning at least once." Chloe 'I'm going to turn into Lois Lane' Sullivan bounced over, looking like she'd just drunk every drop of cappuccino on the entire planet, then gone back for lattes. "I was talking to Dr. Bashir over in sickbay. He replaced my blood with coffee--cream and sugar included--so I don't have to buy stock in the Beanery when we get home!"

Martha knelt down and took the blonde girl's hand. "Chloe-dear, can you tell Martha why we're in this big, scary place?"

Chloe shook her head rapidly. "Nuh-uh. I know it has something to do with the meteor shower though! If only I had my laptop so I could do some digging!"

"What are you going to research now, Miss Sullivan? I'm sure I can exploit my connections or sleep with some bimbo to help you. It's the least I can do to make up for signing an agreement with Miss Lang." Lex Luthor--known to most as 'Sexy Lexy', 'the bald dude who looks hot in drag', or 'Jack'--approached the group, his cellphone super-glued to his ear once again.

Lois/Chloe grinned at the newcomer. "You'd exploit yourself for me, Lex? I know I'm not supposed to like you, but you're really hot."

Clark Bar crossed his arms and gave his 'I know I'm gorgeous, and I need a hug' pout. "I thought I was your Clark Bar! Chloeeee, don't be mean!" He stomped his foot, leaving a dent in the floor of DS9's Promenade.

Out of the blue appeared Bo Kent. With him was a short, stocky alien with humongous ears. When Bo noticed who was standing with his son, he turned an attractive shade of blue and, looking very much like a Bolian, started scratching his arm rapidly. "Blasted Luthor-induced rash," he muttered.

"Hi, Bo," Chloe said cheerfully, pointing to the alien. "Puh-leaze tell me that's a meteor mutant! I need to piss off Principal Kwan again with another far-fetched theory."

Bo motioned to his companion. "This is Quark. I was at his bar, getting really drunk so I didn't have to deal with-" he coughed-"Luthors. He's from Ferenginar where the women don't wear clothes and can't hold jobs. That's the perfect place for me to live, since I'm secretly an old- fashioned farmer who thinks women should stay inside and cook for their men." He puffed out his chest as Martha made gooey eyes at him.

"I hope he marries me," she whispered.

Clark Bar nudged her in the side. "Mom, you guys are already married."

"Do you think he knows I'm the class note taker, and I don't really need to borrow his notes? I just really hope he marries me, and that was the only thing I could think of to say!" She covered her face with her hands and scurried off, nearly bumping into a young woman with spots running down her neck.

"Hi!" the dark-haired woman chirped. "My name's Curzon. I mean, Jadzia. I mean, Emony. *Ezri*! My name is Ezri Tigan. I mean, Dax! Ezri DAX!" She made a face and held out her hand to Lex, avoiding his eyes. "You look like my ten thousandth host's former psych professor. Because of that, I can't even look at you."

Jack/Sexy Lexy smirked and shook the offered hand. "That's too bad because I'm sure you could help me scrounge up some info for Chloe; that way she'll continue to drool over me in secret." It was his turn to appear full of himself, something that's not too hard for him to do in the first place.

Since no one in Smallville ever actually does anything other than stand around and chat about the dire circumstances in which they always manage to find themselves, none of them remembered that Clark had been planning to investigate where they were.

"Yeah, well," the confused Trill--that was redundant, sorry-- continued. "I'm dating Julian Bashir right now, so anything that happened between us would have to be strictly business. Do you know that my boyfriend is genetically enhanced, and thus is so much better than any other guy to ever exist? He can do long division *in his head*!"

Suddenly, Victoria 'Boobs McChesty' Hardwick slithered over--as citizens of Smallville just magically come out of nowhere--and gave Sexy Lexy a backwards hug. "*Everything* is 'just business'. Right, Lex?" she purred.

He shoved her away, into Bo's arms. "You *still* call sleeping with me business? You really *are* a whore! You've got it wrong, anyway: sleeping with me is fun; sleeping with my magnificent bastard of a father is business. What you did with him is just gross."

Clark Bar's eyes grew wide as he sucked in his breath. He tugged on the sleeve of Bo's flannel shirt. "Daddy, what's a 'whore'?"

Rolling his eyes, exasperated, Bo knelt next to his son. "Luthors are whores, Clark."

M.B., who always appears when the word 'whore' is uttered three times in a row, (not unlike Earl Jenkins...I mean Kurn...I mean Candyman) clapped a hand on Bo's shoulder. "Bo, tell your son to stop checking out mine. Lex isn't gay, damnit!" He turned to his heir, and only son. "Lex, I'm disappointed in you."

Sexy Lexy frowned. "Why? Is it because I'm bald? You can't handle that I'm so much hotter than you'll ever be."

M.B. shrugged and possessively grabbed Miss 'It's just business' from Bo. "I don't know why you disappointed me; I only know that, if I don't say that to you at least once a day, my contract will run out. I'll be condemned to a lifetime of awful 'Batman' sequels! I can't *take* it!" He also ran off sobbing, leaving the poster child for breast implants to pout.

Quark was busy making a face at Chloe, who was scrawling something in the wirebound notebook she can conjure out of thin air whenever she needs it. "You Hewmons let your women wear clothes, and you wonder why they get all annoying with their *questions* and their *theories*," the Ferengi sneered.

Bo, who until that moment had been daydreaming about the days when his contract let him drive really fast and get chicks, spoke up. "No, Quark; you're talking about reporters in general, not only women."

The resident female reporter nodded. "Duke's got it right; can I quote you on that for next week's Torch, Bo?"

He frowned. "Bo? Duke? Torch? I've *got* to get out of here before this blasted rash causes me to spontaneously combust or something!" It was his turn to scurry off. He plowed through the growing crowd and was punched by a woman with ridges on her nose and a long, dangly earring on her right ear lobe.

"Watch it!" she hissed, crossing her arms over her chest when she reached the group. "Who are you, and what are you doing on my station? QUARK! Do *you* have something to do with this?"

The Ferengi winced as she shrieked. "Why do you always blame me? You're not even a Hew-mon!"

"I know the feeling," Jack/Lex whispered.

"Shut up! Get off my station," the woman continued sharply.

Deciding to get revenge, Quark leered up at her. "*Your* station, Major?"

Her hand reached out and snatched at one of his ears, gripping it tightly. "Be quiet, you overgrown rodent. The Sisko is on *Risa* with his *wife*. *I* should be there with my gelatinous lover, but *noooo*; I have to deal with you and these *people*."

Chloe dug through her pockets and held out a pill bottle. "Midol?"

"Grrr! Why is your hair so much better than mine?" With that, she spun on her dangerously high heel and stormed off.

Chloe's eyes glittered, and she squealed. "Meteor rock influence!" It was her turn to scurry off, leaving Clark, Boobs, Lex, and Quark to stare at each other.

"Arglefluffle," Boobs muttered, then walked into the mysterious void known as The Other Half of the Promenade.

******

Pete Ross was in awe; not only was there an African-American guy on DS9, but he had lines! "Um, hi. My name's Pete."

The older boy looked up from the tiny table in Quark's Bar, and smiled. "Jake Sisko, Army Brat and Wanna-be Reporter. Have a seat, Pete."

Pete did so, gawking. "I wish I had lines, like you."

A sage look. "My man, you just wait; you'll get a subplot before you know it. I can put in a good word for you with The Powers That Be, if you want."

Grinning, Pete bounced slightly in the seat. "Man, that would be awesome! Can you get me a steady girl, too?"

Jake frowned, leaned back. "Hey, even I haven't been that lucky. Sucks, doesn't it?"

Pete agreed whole-heartedly. "I'm secretly in love with my chick best friend, but she's in love with our other best friend, Clark. Just once I want some attention!"

"Pete, you're suffering from Side-Kick Syndrome; happens to the best of us. What you need to do," Jake gesticulated before continuing, "is grab the girl and kiss her; from what I've seen, she's suffering from a similar condition: the Token Girl syndrome. Clark will never be allowed to be with her, because that would screw up the whole, 'unrequited love/friendship' business.

"In other words," Jake went on, "she's lonely, you're lonely...."

Pete cheered. "So I should kiss her!"

Sisko's lovely son grinned. "You bet. Good luck, my man." The pair stood, did that combination handshake-body slam thing so common among men, and went their separate ways--Jake to go do whatever it is cast members do when not on-screen, and Pete to find Chloe.

******

Freddy wiped a tear from his eye and sniffled. "That was great. I can't believe you made me cry!"

Smirking, Q lowered himself onto a nearby planet. "You know, I decided to cut the kid a break. Even *I* have a heart."

"Is he going to kiss her?" Freddy asked, unable to stifle his delight.

"I'll neeeever teeeelllll...."

******

Everyone somehow congregated in sickbay. Foppish Doctor--known as 'Julian Bashir' to most--eyed the crowd quizzically. "Hello," he greeted them in his heavy, fake British accent.

"Hi," Chloe, Martha, Bo, Boobs, Clark, and MB called back from their various perches; most were seated on metal biobeds, though Lex was behind Foppish Doctor's desk.

"Yo," Lex shot back after a minute. He was digging through a desk drawer frantically. "I'm looking for more info on the meteor shower; there must be some *somewhere*!"

Sensing she was needed, Chloe scrambled over. The two bent their heads together and whispered about mutants and the Wall. FD watched curiously then, since he never does anything but stand around and wait for tragedy to strike him, he shrugged and went back to playing make-believe with Kukalaka.

"Hey," Clark Bar spoke up after rebuffing Martha's attempts to hug him, "anyone seen Lana or her posable action figure boyfriend?"

"You know, Clark," Chloe shot back while staring longingly at Lex, "you can either sit in your loft and play with your telescope, or move on."

"It was just a question!"

Then Pete rushed in, out of breath; he'd run all the way from Quark's, and after warming the bench all season-- "Chloe," he said quickly, "come here."

Tearing herself away from Lex--who was smirking proudly--Chloe wandered to her friend. "If you throw that rubber spider at me one more time, I'm going for my staple gun."

He grabbed her shoulders and gave her a long kiss.

******

"Yay!" Freddy squealed.

"Happy now?" Q rolled his eyes. "Finally something interesting can happen."

******

Bo wasn't at all happy; no one was paying attention to him! He decided it was time for a platitude. "'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'," he announced, upon seeing the expressions of sadness on Clark's face; Bo's big, beautiful, possibly gay son was in obvious lust with his female best friend; who was, in turn, in lust with every other teen--or twenty-one year old billionaire--in Smallville.

"Dad, I'm not a woman," Clark snapped.

"Oh, right. I always forget."

MB had, apparently, had enough of Bo's cheese; he lunged off his biobed and pounced on the elder Kent. "Shut UP with your PLATitudes, Kent! 'Hell hath no fury...', this; 'life is about change; sometimes it's beautiful, sometimes it's painful, but most of the time it's both', that!"

"Actually, it was Lana's deceased mother who said that," Martha spoke up helpfully. She didn't really care that her husband was getting the crap beaten out of him; he had never done anything for her or their big, beautiful, possibly gay son. She no longer cared if he discovered that she, in fact, didn't need his notes.

The last statement got the attention of Pete--who had finished kissing Chloe and was grinning: "Lana's parents are dead?"

FD glanced up from his and Kukalaka's teaparty long enough to snark, "I'm from the twenty-fourth century, and even *I* know her parents were smooshed by a huge meteor!"

Chloe grinned at Pete and sighed. "Let's go somewhere else, Pete."

*YES!* he thought to himself, smirking at his male best friend. *I got the girl and you didn't! Nyah, nyah!* "Sounds good to me, Clo." They strolled out of sickbay, hand in hand.

The two men on the floor grunted dramatically and continued to pummel each other, though no one seemed to care; Martha smiled at everyone, Boobs tried to pick up FD, Clark twiddled his thumbs, and FD held a conversation with Kukalaka's invisible sister.

"Today is a good day to die, Kent!" MB shouted, twisting Bo's arm backward and straddling his middle.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold!" was the garbled response. Recalling the days when he evaded Boss Hogg, Bo flipped MB off of him. *Tom Wopat be proud!* The pair crashed into an examining table, knocking a ceramic tray of pink tea cups on the floor.

"*Hey!*" FD shrieked, "you broke our cups!"

Noticing that her mothering abilities were needed, Martha went to comfort him.

"Dad, watch it!" Lex ordered when MB bumped into his son's feet. "These shoes are *new*!" He punctuated the point with a solid kick to Bo's head. "Oh, sorry, Mister Kent; I was aiming for Dad, but I guess you deserved that." With a shrug, he left to find food.

"I'm *bored*!" Clark insisted, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting. "Somebody talk to me! It's my show, after all!"

Boobs slithered over to his side, subtly adjusted her breasts; the silicone implants were threatening to burst. She figured out that if he had his own show, that meant he was rich and powerful... "Poor boy," she purred. Then her mouth covered his in a passionate kiss.

"COOTIES!" Clark screamed, shoving her away.

Insulted, she stalked off in search of a man who would appreciate her for what she was: a bimbo with a fake British accent, plastic breasts, and such a lack of talent that she made Lana look like an Oscar-caliber performer.

Back to the homoerotic struggle on the floor: MB was pummeling Bo with his fists gleefully; Lex's kick had all-but knocked the latter out. "You're...good," Bo slurred.

"The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy. Take THAT!"

"*Glurk*" Bo slipped out of consciousness just as FD stopped crying.

******

"AHHHHH!" Bo screamed, bolting upright in bed. It was all a dream; everything was as it should have been: his loyal wife was sleeping beside him, most likely dreaming of the meals she'd make him; his big, beautiful, possibly gay son was asleep in his loft, most likely dreaming of all the people he'd save; the cows were asleep in their pasture, most likely dreaming of Bo's next fascinating conversation.

Martha's pretty laughter floated through the bedroom door. Confused, he plodded to the living room in his flowered boxer shorts. "Poor Julian," she was saying, setting a plate of fresh-baked cookies in front of.....FD!

*She never bakes for anyone but me. Me and me alone!* He stormed over, ready to set her straight, when FD smiled at him.

"Hullo. This is a lovely place you have here. Your son is really quite buff; I'm impressed." His long lashes fluttered foppishly.

"CLARK ISN'T GAY!" Bo bellowed.

"If you say so..." FD replied.

Clark and Lex walked into the room, laughing.

"NOOOOO!!!!!!"

******

Freddy blinked as best he could; since he was lacking eyelids and all. "What the hell? You made Clark gay!"

Q, awfully proud of his genius, steepled his fingers. "Nah, not necessarily; Bo just thinks that's what he saw. Besides, the world may never know for sure what the status of Clark and Lex's friendship is; friends laugh together all the time. Look at Harry Kim and Tom Paris on Voyager."

This made the monster smirk. "That was a horrible example."

A pause. The alien cackled. "That was so brilliant that I'm going to make you my new sidekick; we'll get you out of Hell permanently. Come on."

The prospect of getting out of the preschool forever was baffling. "Where are we going now?"

"All good things, my friend...." Q said cryptically. Accepting this as an answer, Freddy followed his partner in crime toward Earth.