Did it again, got myself in a typical pixie mess...again. It's horrible, somehow i seem to be able to have this weird influence on other people's lifes. And it's not so much by doing something wrong... it's just, i don't know, by being me. You all better watch out when this little faery is entering your life. She might seem harmless, all nice and cheerful and happy and giggling. She'll make you smile, she'll make you care, she'll talk with you for hours. Big chance she'll just twist you round her little finger (not intentionally). You all seem to like her, or to have liked her at some point. And no, in the end she won't turn into some evil creature. It's not some kind of fairy tale. I guess i really stay the same. But still, one moment things can suddenly change. Without being aware i can cause troubles, just by being the kind of pixie i just described. I make people angry, i make people cry, they get dissapointed, they are hurt. Sometimes because they expect more from me than i can give, because i don't meet their expectations, sometimes there is not really a reason. I'm not going to say i'm never to blame, at times i was the one that made the mistakes, too. I know i might be impulsive in my decisions I know i don't always think before i act. My biggest mistake is often my reaction when things get messy. I tend to pull out, hold back, try to make myself invisible, counting on it things will get solved by themselves. I'm not the kind of person that holds grudges, i just let go... I just move through live, taking things as they come... Hoping, no trusting, that all ends well. But that's no reason to expect that others will/can do that too. And finally the moment always comes that i realize it has gone much further than i expected. Sometimes too late... I lost some friends this way... i lost other things too. Often it ends well, too... it made old friendships strong again, it brought me some new friends... I also learned a lot, because most valuable stuff is to be learned from mistakes and confrontations. Until now i always came out stronger, wiser... although i might have lost some valuable things.
i don't want anyone to take this personally... this is not so much about the past two days... as it is also about meeting willow, a very impulsive act from me at that time, which in the end turns out to be just so right... it's about losing best friends, although i've still not lost hope on that one... it's about growing apart from someone with whom i've shared so much...it's about my everlasting friendship with this bunch of girls, that had is rough times, too... it's about so much more than all that...
Don't start overanalysing these words, in the end, they are just words... Don't blame me for being arrogant, self-pitying, or i don't know what else... i'm not, you know... i'm just trying to be honest, i guess... and in the end...i'm also doing a modest attempt to write something nice, well, maybe it might even be interesting... although i won't get my hopes up too high.